blurry mind in a blurry world

Nur einer dieser möchtegern Poeten.

[blurrywxrld]

my heart is empty

and yet so full

full of sad, dark feelings

i can't even put them into words anymore

so why is it that

despite of this

breathtaking amount of

overwhelming

paralysing

making-your-heart-want-to-stop-beating

feelings

i still feel nothing at all?

~ hello numbness, my old friend 🥀

[blurrywxrld]

"Ich geb nicht auf, gehst du mit mir, gehst du mit mir, mit auf uns zu?"

- sind wir dabei uns zu verlieren? ○

[blurrywxrld]

"but now take me home,

take me home where I belong

i got no other place to go

now take me home

take me home where I belong

i can't take this anymore."

- i miss you

i miss us. <'3 🌾

[blurrywxrld]

"I think last night I might have finally understood why long distance relationships are often called "the most bittersweet thing on earth".

Sweet, because if hundreds of kilometers are unable to separate two people, it really must be true love (because true love, and only true love!, endures anything); but also bitter, because missing your other half comes in waves - and some nights just feel like drowning.

- I guess last night, the waves almost killed me. "

[blurrywxrld]

there is something in my heart

that spreads all over my body

finds its way through my veins

into every little tiny cell

into my fintertips

toes

it crawls down my spine

and even further down

it heats up places that have been cold for so long

and even sets them on fire

I can't wait for you to be close again

so we can let contours get hazy

borders blurry

and unite the flames inside our hearts

and beneath our skin

they are called longing.

and as soon as they fuse

into one

tense

sparkling bubble,

they will explode into a tremendous firework

of passion,

lust,

and love.

pure, deep and true

love.

[blurrywxrld]

"Stadtrandlichter,

Du atmest auf, alles noch so vertraut."

~🌙♥️

[blurrywxrld]

"loving you is the most breathtaking high I've ever known."

- thank you for being my home, my greatest adventure and everything in between. I love you so so much, there aren't even words for that ♥️💫

[blurrywxrld]

trust is a precious thing

if you break it once

it will never be whole again

- is anyone out there who's still honest?

[blurrywxrld]

It's 6:30m and no, I'm not getting up for work or studying or whatever right now.

I can't sleep.

Again.

And this night, I don't even know why.

I mean yeah, i'm drunk; and the sadness is eating all it's way up to my heart.

And I miss you. So much it burns right inside the most precious part of my heart.

I love you.

And I know you love me too.

But are you really in love with me?

I meant it when I said that I could imagine us being together in the future. It's not that I'm up to planning something - it's rather a way to express how I am feeling about you. About us.

It's a way of telling you how much all of this means to me. And how much I want you in my life.

Am I crazy for thinking this about someone who i am in a relationship with? Is wanting him to want me -and us!- the same way too much to ask to for?

I mean I get it. No one wants the broken girl - I'm only good enough for little adventures that don't take too long.

So I am not mad at you. I can understand.

I just wish I could be the one for you too -

because honey, you are the one for me. ♥️

[blurrywxrld]

- "oh home, let me come home; home is wherever I'm with you" ♥️🌾

[blurrywxrld]

oh love, I really do hate falling asleep without you

~ how much I'd give to be in your arms right now

[blurrywxrld]

within two fucking days I lost my best friend... and the love of my life.

And this stupid pillow smells so much like you, my love, and I can't help but cry all the fucking time.

What is wrong with me? Why do I always lose the people I love the most?

I don't get this. And I wish I could fight. I wish I could do something.

And by the way, it's almost Christmas. The most beautiful time of the year.

But tell me, what can be possibly beautiful without the two people I love the most?

Why can't things just work out ONCE in my life?

I don't want to let you go. But I guess I have to.

"goodbye, my lover...

goodbye, my friend.

you have been the one(s) for me.."

[blurrywxrld]

"I always spoke of my depression as "the monster living inside my head". But today, I finally realized that "monster" is not quite a fitting metaphor.

Depression is rather a virus causing something like an autoimmune disease - it makes you fight against yourself.

And without the right therapy, without help from others you will be lost really fast. You won't be able to recognize yourself. It makes you change, you will get lost within your own self and just empty and dark inside, ready to give up.

This virus might be a monster when it enters your body, but then, it slowly but steadily makes you turn into the monster itself. And this, probably, is even way worse."

- depression is a goddamn bitch. 🥀

[blurrywxrld]

this city's gonna break my heart <'3

[blurrywxrld]

"So there is this man... that I love more than anything else in this world.

I didn't even know that it was possible to feel so much for one single human being, but here I am, falling deeper and deeper in love with him with every day that passes.

Only a little while ago I got the luckiest girl ever - because I got to know that he does actually love me back. It was - and still is! - the greatest thing I ever experienced. I felt like hugging the world - and ended up hugging him because yes, somehow, he turned into my own little world. We've created our own little but yet so amazing bubble of love and happiness and there is just nothing else I could ever wish for.

But then I messed up.

I'm not even sure anymore if it was actually me or the monster living inside my head - and maybe it doesn't even matter. Because without him, nothing matters at all.

I am so so sorry. This time, I don't even know how to fix this mess I've just created. And I am just so freaking sorry.

You know, there is this quote that goes something like

"You can't love someone unless you love yourself".

Actually, I think this is complete bullshit. Actually I KNOW it is. I can't think of a time in my life when I was actually only "okay" with myself - but loving him? Oh god damn it, that is so much more than just possible. Loving him sometimes even made me forget how hating myself feels like.

But the truth is - my self-hate, my darkness, my depression really makes it hard to love or even just like me these days. Don't get me wrong, I would never describe myself as a rose - but I definitely got its thorns that might hurt you if you come too close.

And that's exactly the point. I'm having a really hard time right now; maybe even the darkest since we met. And I just need him more than ever; to just hold my hand and not let me slip away. To stay with me, to not give up on me.

But I am so scared that I might unintentionally hurt him - what, I guess, just has happened the last few days. When I'm in this self-destructive mood, I tend to tear everything close to me down too. And yeah, well, I guess I was successful at that. So that's why I'm currently jumping back and forth between holding on to him and pushing him away.

What is, in fact, incredibly horrible. Because he is this one special person I want to see happy and maybe even sometimes be the reason for it. He's the one I'd like to spend my forever with.

I failed. I know that now.

I fucked up because I just.. gave up. I let this stupid little bitch of a monster get control because I was too weak to keep it quiet. I was too weak to fight it on my own.

I'm so sick of letting depression ruin everything I love.

And it's him that I love the most. I never want to be without him again. It took us so long to reach this point of finally being together and I'm begging that this life will give me, give us another chance to make things right again. I hope he will give me another chance to do so.

I know that I also failed at showing it lately but I really do love him. With all my heart, with every cell of my body.

But tonight, I am also filled with great sorrow, guilt and despair. I am so sorry for putting him through all of this. Please believe me that I wouldn't if I could choose. But unfortunately, I can't.

But what I can choose is to tell how much this means to me and how much I want to be with him. I know that things are hard right now but this will change. It is just temporary - but we aren't, my love. We are so much more than just temporary.

And I hope that he will forgive me, somehow. And that we can see eachother as soon as possible.

I miss him. And I wish I could undo so many things things that happened the last few days. But because I simply can't, I'm left with saying that I'm sorry from deep inside my heart - exactly the place where my love for him found its roots.

This one is special, peeps - he might actually be the one. And I'm ready to give everything I have to make this work. I ready to fight for him, for us, no matter what happens.

I believe that true love endures everything.

And so will we. "

♥️🌾

- at least I hope so. Will we, my love?

[blurrywxrld]

depression has me in its claws right now. And it keeps tightening its grip with every step I take.

I hate this. I'm trying so hard to get rid of the darkness, but I guess I'm just way too weak to do this on my own.

I wish you'd still see me through all this, I wish you'd come through and help me tearing these stupid dark but yet strong hands away from my neck, so I could eventually breathe again.

In fact, I just wish you wouldn't just disappear when depression takes control over my mind.

I just wish you'd stay with me, hold me tight and tell me that everything's going to be alright again.

But you don't.

So here I am, alone, and this time it's not only physical but on an emotional level too.

- I miss you. So much. Please don't let me go.. please don't let me slip away, right into the arms of the darkness... <'3

[blurrywxrld]

es geht nichts ohne dich. <'3