hiatus

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

Let’s face it. Ben is adorable. And if Kanata wasn’t so turned on right now he would probably hug him, and cuddle him, and kiss him endlessly. But he can’t, he knows that if he had to be too close to his boyfriend right now what he would do wouldn’t stop at cuddles and kisses.

He tilts his head a little, still almost hidden against Ben’s neck and shoulder, and looks for the hot skin of his neck, when he leaves a wet and sloppy kiss. “Oh, please…” he breathes, voice still broken, “I’ll be quiet, I’ll try to be quiet.” But he doesn’t promise that. And maybe he doesn’t even care. The thought of having his boyfriend’s hands on him almost drives him crazy - in the most positive way - there is nothing more he can do than beg, in a shaken, aroused, deep voice. 

[blzine-blog]

Ben’s fingers twitch slightly at the press of lips against his neck, too wet, too dirty to do much more than make his skin burn, yet the way his mouth hangs open, stunned and speechless, is definitely because of the other’s words, his wrecked please, and the shorter male is more than happy to give him what he wants. His hand slides up from Kanata’s knee, the pads of his fingers pressing into his thigh, but he playfully skirts around the obvious erection trapped beneath his boyfriend’s pants. “Cheri,” he says, being careful to keep his touches light and teasing. “I think I need to... uh... use the restroom. If I’m not back in ten minutes, you should come find me, yeah?” It’s undoubtedly suggestive, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth, eyes dark with desire as he presses his palm firmly against the outline of his partner’s cock. He withdraws reluctantly, standing with little grace while his sleep and lust filled head starts to swim, and he finds himself thankful that his jacket hides his arousal as he casually steps out into the isle. “Ten minutes,” he repeats before heading toward the direction of the bathrooms.

[blzine-blog]

[text] I was just thinking about you [text] And that's all, I guess [text] I was thinking about you... [text] And about how hot you are... [text] But that came later, at first I was just thinking about you, like, in general [text] I'm a cheesy person, I'm sorry...

( sms ` mon chéri ) you were?  

( sms ` mon chéri ) you think i’m hot? 

( sms ` mon chéri ) it’s okay, cheese looks good on you.

( sms ` mon chéri ) i think about you all the time.

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

Kanata’s first reaction is to look at his boyfriend in disbelief. Then, he laughs. It’s a deep sound, soft and shaken, but honest. He turns his hand in his boyfriend’s hand and squeezes it, before he leans in.

He knows other people on the plane won’t probably hear him anyway, but he is not sure if he can speak without moaning, and when he does so he wants to be sure that he is just inches away from Ben’s ear. “Don’t be silly…”, he whispers. “I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me… you just…” he clears his throat, and holds onto his boyfriend’s hand a little bit tighter. “It feels like you..  had… been… jerking me off for hours. Without allowing me to come. It’s just… great…” He moans, and lowers his head on Ben’s shoulder, letting out another shaky breath. “God, you are great. This whole thing is great.”

[blzine-blog]

He can’t fathom why Kanata would suddenly laugh like that, in a way that makes him question his boyfriend’s sanity and turns him on in some horrifying way (because let’s face it — he still thinks the other’s in pain), and he’s ready to dissolve into a string of apologies as his free hand blindly searches for the remote, but it’s Kanata’s breath against his ear that has him sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. Whatever was on the tip of his tongue turns to ash, and his skin flushes a light shade of pink, from the curves of his cheeks all the way down his neck, disappearing beneath the collar of his shirt. 

He’s mortified by his lack of experience, but fuck, Kanata is moaning and Ben’s starting to feel a little warm inside his jacket. It’s hard to swallow without making it obvious how much he wants his boyfriend, his praises really starting to get to him, and it’s even worse when he finally speaks. “I— Do you want me to— to touch you, Chéri? Do you think— can you be quiet? Or would you like— would you like everyone to hear you?”

[blzine-blog]

You should break up with him. You are so selfish. Don't you see you are hurting him?

“You know, if he wants to be out of this relationship, which he hasn’t shown any signs that he does, he will have to leave because I won’t do it. I’ve lost too much to be anything but selfish.”

[blzine-blog]

I want to steal you from your boyfriend. I'm sure you'd make an amazing fuck toy. He wouldn't know how to use you anyway.

“That’s— I— I’ll have you know that no one else will ever use me again. I’m not going to be anyone’s fuck toy. And I wouldn’t allow myself to be taken— I’m not that weak.”

[blzine-blog]

Do you think about your boyfriend when you masturbate? Or do you think about your boss?

“Why would I think about my boss? That’s disgusting.”

[blzine-blog]

Are you going to fuck your boyfriend any time soon?

“See, the key word here is fuck. We’re not going to fuck. Ever. We might have sex, yes, but even then, it’s none of your business.”

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

Kanata had no idea five hours could last that long, but Kanata had never been trapped on a plane, with a cock ring around his dick. He tried, he can’t say he didn’t. He tries sleeping - it only lasted a few minutes - he tried playing stupid games with himself, he tried reading, he tried writing, he even tried walking a little, but nothing helped.

What made him feel a little better was the sigh of his boyfriend’s peaceful face. To Kanata it looked like he wasn’t having any nightmare, and if on one hand this made him feel relieved, on the other only convinced him that he couldn’t wake him up. For no reason.

When Ben wakes up, for a moment Kanata thinks he is hallucinating. His dick almost hurts - and feel so good at the same time he is not sure how he didn’t go crazy at this point - and Ben’s sleepy and low voice is almost like a caress.

“Good… morning”, Kanata’s voice is shaking. His whole body is shaking. “Just… a few hours. I think. I didn’t notice. Did you sleep well?”

[blzine-blog]

Ben’s slow at perceiving the tremble in his boyfriend’s voice, senses still clinging to whatever bit of sleep that’s there, and it’s not until his eyes fall to Kanata’s shaking fingers that the smile on his face turns into confusion. “Kanata, are you okay?” he asks, a hint of worry laced into his tone, and he can’t help the fatherly tone he adopts as he speaks again. “You’re shaking. Why are you shaking?” 

He sits up lethargically, trying his best not to make himself dizzy with too much movement, and takes the other’s hand in his, drawing circles into his skin with the pad of his thumb. Then he hears the faint but constant vibration coming from his partner and suddenly remembers turning on the cock ring before he fell asleep. His eyes widen a little behind his glasses, hair messy and all over the place, making him look years younger than he already is. “Does it hurt? Did I hurt you, oh my God. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be out for long—”

[blzine-blog]

sunday.

[inarinokanata]

He walks Ben to their bedroom, slowly, and when he answers to Kanata’s question he frowns, and feels angry. It’s so rare for him to feel that way that for a moment he doesn’t even recognize that feeling. He has to take a deep breath, before he can speak again. “I understand…” he mutters, and then he falls silent.

He guides Ben until their legs touch their bed, and then he helps him sit down, He is slow, and careful, but he is looking everywhere but Ben’s face. “I don’t know what to do…” he admits, then, and his voice sounds defeated. “Are we… am I supposed to just pretend it doesn’t happen? What do you want me to do? Do I have to pretend that your boss doesn’t exist, and he doesn’t fuck you, and he doesn’t hit you?”

[blzine-blog]

He’s relieved that his legs don’t give and they’re able to make it to their room without another incident, but he can’t stop himself from wincing at his boyfriend’s words, the crude language sounding foreign in the tense air. “I don’t know, Kanata. He doesn’t do it all the time, I— I’m not just a fuck toy, okay?” His voice breaks, and god, he feels humiliated and angry, and his fingers are still shaking as he presses them into his thighs. “This has been happening for years, it’s—  it’s not something new. You were already aware that it was going on just— just do what you normally do.” He sighs, at least somewhat comforted by the fact that this is their bed— the only place in the entire apartment that isn’t a constant reminder of his boss. “I never wanted you to see that, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t get mad at you because you— because you’re here for me. No one else ever was.”

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

Kanata looks at Ben’s face and he feels even worse, because the way he is looking at him is so damn sexy, and he is sure his boyfriend isn’t even aware of that. “Don’t think about it now. Just… sleep.”

The way Ben’s breath brushes against his skin makes him shiver and the touch of his hand on his thigh is like a sharp tug on his cock. And yet, Kanata likes this, even if it’s uncomfortable, probably because it’s uncomfortable. He knows that Ben doesn’t consider it a display of power or anything, but Kanata feels exactly like that. Like he is in Ben’s hands, and his boyfriend could do everything to hm. And God, he loves that.

He takes another deep breath, tries his best to relax, but in the end he gives up. He knows his can’t. He tilts his head, and just looks at Ben, at what he can see of his peaceful face while his sleep, and at his strong but tiny body. And Kanata feels blessed.

[blzine-blog]

The dreams never come. The void instead stretches endlessly in all directions, a peaceful, calming blackness that envelopes his mind. The alcohol diluted his senses, but his exhaustion keeps the monsters at bay. 

It’s the most sleep he’s gotten in a while, the clock counting down his fifth hour of unconsciousness, and the tension in his muscles has slowly been seeping out as he relaxes even further into a peaceful slumber. He somehow manages to squeeze in around forty more minutes of it before his eyes flutter open, the mid-day sun streaming through his window and basking his face in its warm glow. He squints, having a little trouble adjusting to the harsh light, and sluggishly adverts his gaze to the male on his left. “Hi, Chéri. I didn’t sleep too long did I?” He asks, sleep still clinging to his low voice as a hint of a bashful grin tugs at the corners of his lips.

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

“Not as lucky as I am, Lucky Charm…” Kanata smiles back, and lets his fingers move on Ben’s thigh in a soft and he hopes reassuring caress. What he is not expecting are his boyfriend’s next words, and the sudden hint to his cock ring… Kanata kind of thought Ben had almost forgotten about it, since they were having a serious conversation and, well, Ben looked tired and everything.

So he is more than just a little taken aback by the sudden vibration, and by the way Ben smiles at him, and kisses his knuckles. Kanata holds onto his own knee, fingers digging on the flesh on his leg as he lets go a low and sudden moan against his will, before he bites on his lip to prevent himself from making other sounds. “God, Lucky Charm…!”, he whispers, and shifts in his seat, as if that could help somehow.

“Yeah… yeah sure…” he swallows, as his cock throbs inside his pants and he does his best to keep a straight face. “I mean… you really need to sleep so, don’t worry too much. I’ll be perfectly fine. Just…” He leans in, and leave a soft kiss against Ben’s cheek. “Sleep.”

[blzine-blog]

Ben’s face lights up in amusement, eyes wide despite his fatigue as he watches his boyfriend with a bout of childish curiosity, cheeks still a lovely shade of peach, and he can’t help the sheepish grin that tugs at the corners of his pouty lips. “I’ll take care of you when I wake up, okay?” He says in a light tone, catching Kanata before he can move away entirely. His mouth is just close enough for his breath to brush against the other’s skin before he’s pulling away, sinking back into his chair with a small, satisfied sigh. He allows himself to find comfort in his boyfriend’s presence, hand slipping back into it’s spot on Kanata’s thigh, eyes falling shut and lulling him into a surprisingly peaceful sleep. His head is more toward the window by the time the plane is in the air, and even though his hair is tickling the bridge of his nose, he hardly even moves.

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

“What are you thinking about?” Kanata asks, with genuine curiosity, as he notices the expression on Ben’s face, the way he is smiling. It’s nice to see him like that, in spite of his tiredness, and somehow his next words do something unexpected to Kanata’s dick. He has to muffles a soft moan, he has to bite on his lower lip, and lower his hands on his lap because Ben shouldn’t be allowed to say that kind of things, not in that breathless tone. “I want to see all of you as well…” Kanata replies, and this is the only answers he manages to mutters as he takes a deep breath, and tries to calm himself down.

This is not the right moment to feel turned on - even if they are alone on the plane, and even if he has a cock ring around his dick. Ben is too tired for that, and they have many hours ahead of them anyway.

He takes a deep breath again.

“…they would hurt me..?” He asks, brought back to reality once his boyfriend starts talking about his nightmare. He clearly has no idea of what could bother Ben so much, and his expression is suddenly concerned and confused. But then he smiles, and reaches for Ben’s thigh, to stroke it lightly. “Just sleep, Lucky Charm. You look incredibly tired. I’ll be here anyway when you’ll wake up… and I’ll watch over you. Don’t worry.”

[blzine-blog]

He smiles then, softly, hanging his head as he lets out a relieved sigh. “I’m just... I’m so lucky to have you,” he says, in the same tone as before, and he can’t stop the laugh that bubbles up from inside of his chest, a mixture of unperturbed happiness and a bit of fear, making him sound a little excited as he continues: “I’m going to make sure you have the best time of your life, okay?”

His hair is in his eyes when he moves to sit back up, but he doesn’t push it away, not when he feels the soothing touch of his partner’s hand on his thigh, and it’s only then when he remembers that there’s an actual ring around Kanata’s dick. A tinge of red colors his cheeks before he gives the other male a slight nod, teeth worrying his bottom lip as he slips the bottle back into it’s holder, and his fingers anxiously toy around with the remote beside his tablet. “Is it okay if I...?” he asks, gesturing to the small device in his hand, and that’s as much of a warning his boyfriend gets before he’s turning the vibrate setting on and up to medium. His gaze stays locked on Kanata’s as he reaches for his hand, bringing it up to his lips to press small, lingering kisses against his knuckles, a hint of a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Alright, I’ll try to sleep... But you can, uh, wake me if you need anything, Chéri.”

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

“Yeah… I know…” Kanata’s voice is a soft whisper, and he doesn’t miss the way Ben adverts his gaze, looking outside the window. He falls quiet, saying nothing while his boyfriend is drinking. He takes a sip of his tea, and then another one until he is emptying his cup.

“You want to see me drunk?” Kanata asks, then, when Ben speaks again, and he kind of laughs at the thought. “We could do that. I’m okay with it… but I have to warn you again, your boyfriend is an incredible light weight.” He smiles back at Ben, small and soft, and kind of shy, even if he is not sure about the reason. Then, when Ben tells him about his dreams, Kanata can’t help but show a hint of concern. “That’s why you have trouble sleeping? I can help you with those… that wouldn’t be a problem. It’s not like dream can hurt me or anything. I could turn your nightmares into something else, or just help you walk out of those bad dreams…”

[blzine-blog]

He lets himself imagine his boyfriend in all his drunken glory, a thoughtful smile tugging at his lips as he infers how nice it’ll be to taste the booze on his tongue, to feel his body pressed against his own through the subdued haze the alcohol will bring. It’s only then when he realizes with a hint of fear that he wants people to see them together, to look at them with envy as they stand too close, and quite frankly, it fucking terrifies him. He doesn’t remember when he started to feel like this, the subtle yearning to show off his partner, like he was something to worship (and god, would Ben worship him any chance he was given). 

“Good. I want to see all of you,” he says, almost breathless, but the transition from hopeful to exhausted is almost seamless as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “They would— they would hurt you, Chéri, I’m sorry. I’ve been having them for months now, and they just keep getting worse— more violent. I... I don’t think you could help. They’ll come back, and I just— I’m sorry,” he whispers, in a rush, eyes a little wide as he avoids the other’s gaze, and as much as he would love for them to go away, the thought that Kanata might actually see what’s been plaguing his mind has his stomach twisting in knots and the opening of the bottle pressing back against his lips. 

[infernalkai-xx-blog]

            xi.             vermillion halo spreads across the gashed path,             mother sleeping with her eyes open. father closes             your fingers around metal, his forked tongue smelling             like gunpowder. spring comes and shrapnel becomes             your pollen. this is the season of reaping.

            xviii.             roses bloom around your lonely hands, ribcage             combusting and dancing in flames. father closes his             eyes under your fingertips, his breath coloring the air             with absence. winter comes and splinters become your             bones. this is the season of decay.

            xix.             destruction litters your floor with paintings, carnage             another dream that you learn to forget. father is a ghost             under your skin, your nails leaving streaks of angry red.             summer comes and lies become your constellations.             this is the season of atonement.

            xxi.             shards leave gashes on your palms, memories whisper             along the hallways of your thoughts. they are never             forgotten, unmarked graves planted in your soul. autumn             comes and survival becomes a shade of your synthesis.             this is the season of salvation.

                                                    FOLLOW THE SCRIPTURE →

[blzine-blog]

sunday.

[inarinokanata]

“You can… it’s just blood. It’s not dirty. And I… we… will clean everything up once you’ll feel okay again. Please…” He watches in silence now as Ben pulls his briefs back up, and when Ben apologizes Kanata leans in, cup his boyfriend’s face in his hands, strokes his skin, his hair, lightly, slowly, before he kisses him. It’s a gentle, reassuring kiss, and even if Kanata’s lips are shaking, his voice sounds quiet and steady when he speaks again. “Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong… Now let me help you, I’ll walk you to our bedroom.” He moves, to help Ben gets on his feet, and prevent him from stumble or anything like that. “I just don’t understand…” he murmurs, in the tiniest voice, “Why you didn’t let me kill that man.”

[blzine-blog]

Ben almost flinches at the touch, but he knows Kanata, and he wouldn’t hurt him, no matter what his dreams may show him, what his boss may say. He moves sluggishly, eyes following his boyfriends hands in their journey as they ghost over his face, sweep through his hair, and when he presses his trembling lips against Ben’s, he kisses him back just as soft, fingers quivering against the cold skin of his legs. He lets Kanata help him, holds onto his arm to steady himself, and he leans his head drowsily onto the taller male’s shoulder as he struggles to keep his legs from bucking underneath him. “I... he’s more than just a man, Kanata,” he breathes, voice rough and hardly there. “If you had killed him, we’d... always... have someone after us. They knew he was here, what time he came in, when he left. They’re a machine, nothing gets past them.”

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

Kanata has to think about it. “I don’t know…” he answers, in the end, in a soft whisper. “Being immortal doesn’t prevent you from getting hurt. If possible it makes getting hurt much more painful and much more common. It will prevent you from having a normal life, from having a family, and kids… and in the end… it means that you’ll have to see every single person you love die. I won’t wish that for you. It would be selfish of me, even if I would like to have you by my side forever.”

Somehow he manages to smiles, at the end of his lengthy speech, and shakes his head. “I don’t drink, Lucky Charm. I get drunk easily. Unless you want to see me drunk… but I could be laud and inappropriate, and”, he chuckles, “You don’t want to see that. Especially if you need to sleep, you don’t need a very drunk Japanese guy sitting right in front of you.” He takes the bag of tea out of his cup, and take a short sip, humming, and closing his eyes for a moment with an expression of pure bliss on his face. “I know you don’t sleep well…” he whispers, and lowers his hand to cover the one Ben is keeping on his thigh. “If you’ll get to fall asleep, I could visit you in your dreams, you know?”

[blzine-blog]

“That sounds terrible...” he says aloud, though the words were only meant for himself, and he has to advert his gaze outside the window, lifting the bottle up to his lips for a drink. It’s hard to swallow this time, hard to get around the lump of questions forming in the back of his throat, but it’s a pleasant burn from the usual liquor he has at home, and as he turns to glance back at his boyfriend, he can only offer him a small, timid smile.

“Maybe we should go to a bar while we’re there... Might be fun?” He suggests, already feeling the calming effects of the alcohol thrumming through his system, and he’s not a light weight by any means, but if he continues at this rate, he’ll be gone before the plane can even take off. He should have spent the night in bed, or at least on the couch— even his trainer thought him mad as Ben kicked his ass in the ring, yet here he is, looking at Kanata in his increasingly tired state, hair messy and falling into his eyes, glasses settled halfway down his nose. 

And his brows draw in though, at the mention of his dreams, and he presses his thumb harder into his boyfriend’s thigh, unaware, unintentionally, before he’s withdrawing his hand altogether and leaning away from the warmth of the other’s side. “I don’t—” he starts, lips pursed in thought as he tries to gather his thoughts. “I’m having nightmares, Chéri, I don’t want you to have to deal with that...” 

[blzine-blog]

all things in between.

[inarinokanata]

The touch of Ben’s hand on his thigh keeps Kanata focused in the most delicious way. He wouldn’t say it out loud - and he is sure that Ben doesn’t want to be a tease right now - but that’s enough to make Kanata’s cock stir more, and he bites on his lip for a second before now he can feel even better than before the pressure of the ring around its base. “Well… if you are immortal that’s good, I guess. I won’t have to worry about you, and I’ll be sure that you’ll stick by my side for all eternity…” Kanata smiles. “Of course I like to hear you talk. Even when it’s nonsense or when you want to vent about something… I’d still want to hear it.”

Kanata shifts slightly in his seat when the lady shows up. He knows he has a blanket on his lap, and he almost knows that even if she noticed something she wouldn’t say it, but he can’t help himself. Even because the thought of her noticing it turns him on even more, and he does feel like a freak and like a pervert because of it. “I’m glad you are…” he whispers, to Ben, before he bows his head to thank the lady, and he too starts thanking her - in Korean, and Japanese, and a very very broken English. The tea looks amazing, and Kanata takes a little bag of green tea - his favorite - to prepare a cup of tea for himself. “Are you going to drink the whole bottle?” He asks then, smiling at Ben all over again.

[blzine-blog]

“Would you really want me to be immortal?” he asks, out of genuine curiosity, but when he looks at his boyfriend again, his eyes hold the uncertainty he felt as they boarded the plane. He swallows hard, downs the rest of the drink with a satisfied hum, and rolls his head back against the seat as he begrudgingly nods at the inquiry. “If I have to,” he says, already feeling light and relaxed, all tension gone from his shoulders and neck. He hasn’t felt this free in months. 

“Unless, of course, you want some.” He sees that as the perfect opportunity to swap the now empty glass for the bottle of wine, pulling out the cork with relative ease, and giving the other a small, somewhat reluctant, grin. “I really need to sleep... I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but, uh, I haven’t been sleeping well,” he admits, and again, his hand finds it’s way back to Kanata’s thigh, just as it’s done since they left their apartment.“I’m hoping it’ll help...”