i’ve gone all the way up and touched the top. here, i look over at the whole world from the highest peak. a smeared reflection of what i’ve become gazes back as i stare and seek for my missing parts. i still cannot see everything.
[ … ] ❀ you’re not from around here , are you? i figured because you totally just missed { NOLAN BALLARD } walking by. don’t tell me you don’t know who { HE/THEY } is/are ? they kind of look like { JEREMY ALLEN WHITE } and i could be wrong but i think that they might be { 30 } years old right now. they’ve been living in palmview for the last { MONTH }. and i don’t know if anyone has ever told them this before but they kind of remind me of { SHANE } from { THE WHITE LOTUS }. if you stick around the town long enough you might catch them in action working at { X } as an { ACTOR / ACTIVIST }. you see this town isn’t really that big of a place, some folks like to call them the { THE MANNEQUIN } of palmview! they took a liking to the name too after a while, go figure. oh crap, they must have heard me yapping. they’re coming this way. i got to warn you though, rumor has it they can pretty { VAIN } at times. i wouldn’t take it too seriously though, from the times i’ve spoken to them they seemed pretty { GENEROUS } to me. we see each other all the time since they live in that { FOUR BEDROOM } apartment beside me over in { CORAL COVE }. i better leave you to it. it was nice meeting you!
QUICK STATS
name: nolan james ballard
nickname(s): n/a
gender: nonbinary man
pronouns: he/him, they/them
age: thirty
dob: may 1, 1994
pob: palmview, florida, usa
orientation: bisexual
residence: apt #1b, harborview residencies, coral cove
APPEARANCE
height: 5’8
build: short and stocky; muscular
ethnicity: italian american
eye colour: blue
hair colour: blonde
notable features: ancient face; bright blue eyes
style: quiet luxury
tattoos: yes
piercings: ears pierced, diamond studs
PERSONALITY
positive traits: candid, confident, informed, resolute, active, stylish
negative traits: haughty, hostile, condescending, vain compulsive
likes: recycling, meal prepping, dry wine, pampering themself, smoking
dislikes: leg day, people magazine, fast fashion, dirty counters, mixing lights and darks
CAREER & EDUCATION
current occupation: actor; environmental activist
past occupation(s): brand endorsements
HEAD CANNONS
nolan would rather awkwardly carry all his groceries in his arms than ever touch a plastic bag ever again
vegetarian (sometimes vegan) because meat industry is bad for the environment
not the most well-known actor since he ditched hollywood just as his career was taking off to stick to indies and the stage, but film buffs will likely recognize him from a couple of big titles from the 2010s + some cameos here and there, so as long as he's lowkey, people don't often recognize him much less come up to him
big decisions are always ran by his mother, annie. she doesn’t like most of his ideas so she’s contradicts him a lot, putting him in a weird head space whenever he does follow his intuition and go against her input
very much hates public speaking, but fights through his discomfort if it means educating people/communities on why it’s important to care about the planet
if he's not out socializing or working, he'll spend the evening/night at the gym
on top of the apartment he has here, he has a place in los angeles and new york city
Oli's eyes looked down at the wet pile of sand as he flicked the lighter and lit up his cigarette, he inhaled for a moment as he took in the smoke before finally releasing. "Your kingdom looks shit I won't lie.. I have definitely seen better. If some sand soldiers came and attacked you then I think you're in for some trouble." Taking another drag of his cigarette before exhaling once more. "Unless you have a sand dragon hidden somewhere of course."
a cluster of tangled up sentiments comes up when nolan sees it’s oliver. ever difficult for him to be positive, nolan sits little to soften the edge in his tone. "really? looks nicer than anything i expect you to be used to." a nasty smile twists across his face as he puts a palm down behind him in the sand and leans back slightly, letting the sun warm his face as he takes another drag. he feels proud of himself. it's not like they had been blind to the whatever had been happening back there in the cabana.
unwilling to admit that they might be transparent, nolan didn't try too hard to hide their new distaste for knox. they knew it wasn't his fault adrian was such a douche and really, the jealousy nolan felt from learning about his and serra's relationship (ongoing or not) was no one's problem but theirs. still, with the two being best friends, they saw him as guilty by association. and it showed in the flat "congratulations," he said to knox when he shared the good news. "i'm sure you worked hard for it." // @thalassophilez
there were many things for him to regret in life, but nolan always supposed that came with living. it was impossible for things to be perfect all the time, so mistakes were bound to happen. he could not deny that. could he admit to doing wrong in this instance, though? no, not when he watched her displeasure deepen day by day or when he listened to her complaints of the life she felt locked into. so why the anguish over something he stood by?
seeing her now, getting lost in her eyes all over again, nolan knew what it was he truly regretted. he wished he had made clear what he felt for her back then. shown her that what he had done wasn't just for her, but for both of them. he had been confident it would bring them closer together, not make them strangers to the point where he couldn’t even guess what she would say next.
of course they expected whatever she said to hurt. there was no way to avoid it, but when she spoke, a stinging sensation stabbed him in his chest and almost made him keel over.
a familiar panic began to wrap itself around his neck. he swallowed hard, pushing it down to the pit of his stomach. the acid will eat it away, he thought to himself as a bitterness began to fill his mouth. he refused to believe she didn’t want to ever see him again. if she’d been anyone else, he would’ve let the venom brewing in him to escape and return the pain. with serra, so sweet and so delicate in their eyes however, they couldn’t do it. so they swallowed it down again, the lump in their throat growing.
“i don’t think it’s funny,” he was finally able to get out. i think it’s really fucking sick actually, he almost spits out, but he doesn’t want her to run off and disappear again. he wants his explanation, needs it at this point. so he puts on a mask and pretends he’s fine; he knows how to act after all.
it’s when she stops and faces them that the facade begins to slip. they doubt they’re strong enough to keep it on much longer, so they let her have her way (an easy and natural thing for nolan). “okay. fine. not now,” he surrenders before going onto insist it’s not the end of things. “but we have to talk about this. i’ve missed you.. a lot. i know we can be close again if you only understood, so just… take time to talk to me.”
"you know i didn't mean it like that," serra says softly, confusion laden in her voice. of course the comment wasn't actually funny, but serra's lost within her emotions; unsure of what to say, how to act, or even what she truly wants. it's a miracle she manages to stay upright, caught in a uneasy haze of discomfort.
when nolan speaks once more, she listens intently, though she's uncertain whether he is really hearing her. she wonders what more there is left to discuss-- had she not made herself clear? or is he simply hoping her feelings will change?
this isn't something she anticipated, but maybe nolan's right. they often seemed to understand her in ways she couldn’t, though that didn’t mean they knew what was best for her, like they seemed to think. here in palmview, she's crafted a new life-- one where she makes decisions for herself, free from financial dependence on anyone, be it her ex-husband or nolan.
but who did she owe this newfound freedom to?
“sure, another time,” she agrees hesitantly, offering a weak smile before turning to retrace her steps. up until this moment, she convinced herself that what he did was unforgivable, that this new existence was enough to replace the closeness they once shared... but now, she's not so sure.
one drink, two drinks, three drinks more... charlotte had lost count of the minutes or maybe hours that nolan had stepped away along with the amount of drinks she had consumed. she was feeling light, airy, and free as she lounged on one of the chairs. she got bored of the conversations she was a part of but found herself with a bright grin watching what looked like the downfall of many many residents of palm view.
"oh look, he finally returned.." she teased as she saw the other finally approaching her. "quick, dont make it obvious, but it looks like yet another break up happening at three o'clock.. or is it six o'clock ??" lottie let out a soft giggle. "anywhoooo.. where did you run off to ? and explain the sour face ??"
if there was one thing nolan could count on, it was lottie being a good sport. he appreciated their deal, though he hadn't been totally transparent with his intentions. yes, it was true he did want to people to see them together. to talk about them, questioning the nature of the pair's relationship. maybe the buzz would become widespread enough to distract any media that might already be looking at him into rumors of nolan ballard having a new beau; replace any other unwanted headlines. if anyone here could, it would be charlotte with her professional ties, after all.
truly though, he wouldn't mind if the gossip stayed local, so long as it reached a specific someone's ears. unsure if he was ready to admit to all of that, nolan decided to ease into it. that way he could always always backtrack and course correct. "just, err, catching up with an old friend. it's been weird being back home and seeing the faces of people i thought i'd never see again," he tells her, looking at her radiant smile, hearing her giggle, it made him relax some. "you seem to be having a great time, though. and here i thought my absence would make your heart grow fonder and miss me." though it's said in a playful tone, there's a hint of truth to it. nolan would have everyone wrapped around his finger if he could.
not knowing what else to do, nolan sat in the sand. they scooped some into the bucket, methodically making sure it was wet enough that it would stand tall once he flipped it over. the cigarette he had lit rested between his lips as he worked. the movements were so easy, something he'd done a thousand times as a child, that he needn't think at all about it and yet, it still kept his mind from all that had been troubling him. once he turned it over and pulled the bucket off, however, the sand slipped down, so what was left was just a simple mound of wet sand rather than a castle. "fuck." he took a deep drag from the cigarette and blew it out as he allowed himself to fall back to lay flat on the beach. when he opened his eyes, he noticed a figure in his peripheral. he turned his head to look at them. "welcome to my kingdom," he said flatly as he sat up. // OPEN
knowing that serra was in town, it had become basically impossible for nolan not to seek her out anywhere he went. with what seemed all of palmview here at the beach party, he was willing to bet everything on running into her. that's what made lottie on his arm all the better. maybe it was petty and immature, but he truly believed that if she saw him with someone else, then maybe she would understand how he had felt all those years ago.
all feelings of entitlement washed away with the waves when he caught sight of her. distressed. out of habit, they felt pulled towards her, so they followed her as she slipped away from the crowd as if a string connected the two and they could only be so far apart. he could explain to lottie later. right now, his old friend needed him.
when he finally caught up to serra, nolan spoke with great tenderness. "hey. what's wrong?" he moved closer to her. like the water on the shore, whatever was washed away was also brought back; he felt compelled to bring her in his arms. he knew how to comfort her. how to ease her away from hurt to the point of laughter. but the reality of them being out of each other's lives for so long and having grown into different people had hit him hard these past few days, so he stopped himself from reaching out to her, though he was still close to her. "you can't leave yet. i was just about to bust a move. you really don't wanna' miss that." // @serraszn
adrian throws back the shot with ease, digits soon tapping impatiently against his thigh, itching for another drink. another cigarette. anything. he chuckles at nolan's question, "oh that? nah, that's-- i'm just seeing what's out there tonight. nothing serious."
as if on cue, his phone vibrates in his pocket. he almost drops it in his haste to pull it out, lips moving silently as he reads the notification on his lock screen: emrata, nbaonespn and serra recently added to their stories. "actually, i uh--" he looks up at nolan again, realizes he's never mentioned serra to him before, and well, they're close enough that he could tell him now, "--i've been seeing this girl for a while. or, used to, i guess, i don't fucking know--" he chuckles again, even though there's nothing funny about it and their last conversation left him feeling like complete shit.
a few, quick swipes and he's holding his phone out to nolan; on the screen, a half-naked selfie of serra, clearly meant for adrian's eyes only. "i mean, she's hot, right?" he asks with a shit-eating grin.
maybe it was because nolan was a serial monogamous, maybe it was just the fact that adrian could be so disrespectful; whatever the reason, nolan was not surprised to hear it was nothing serious. so expected in fact, he barely felt sorry for whatever poor girl had adrian confused. or the fact that'd he'd been swiping while there was still a possibility in his mind that the two were still together.
that was until he sees serra on the screen.
instinctively, nolan knocks the phone out of adrian's hand so it clatters on the table. "wha-- how-- what?!" though indirectly, it is the beginning of yet another series of questions serra has brought to him.
then he realizes, it is too late to play it cool. despite keeping adrian at somewhat of a distance, they've known each other long enough for nolan to get away with lying that he didn't know her. not with that reaction. instead of revealing just how well and for how long they've known serra, they decide to make it seem like less than it is. "sorry, man. just.. isn't that that influencer girl? you coulda' showed me another picture," he starts, then decides to quickly question him for more details to distract from his unease, but also to gather more information. "but what the fuck do you mean you don't know if y'all are together or not?" it was difficult to tone down his aggression.
for: everyone.
where: the sunset villa's beach party event.
" this should be fun. " alyssa mumbled to herself and held the glass of her drink in her hands. taking a few quick sips from her drink. her eyes now began to scan around at the party. the music that was playing was so loud that it was blasting through her ears. the blonde was just standing here and waiting for a few more minutes before going around and mingling.
despite being somewhat of public figure, nolan did not do well in crowds. less so since the riot. after spilling most of his first drink, he had made his way back to charlotte and played the gentleman by offering to get them drinks. he held both of them in his hand, though he was not yet ready to get back into the thick of it. spotting another wallflower, nolan scooted closer to her just in time to catch her remark. it made him chuckle. "giving yourself a pep talk?" he questioned, a gentle smile still lingering on their lips. "mind if i have one too?"
knowing the crowd would be too much for him to jump straight into, nolan grabbed a whiteclaw from the open bar and wandered along the coast. they stood looking out at the horizon, a few hundred yards away from the bustle of beach-goers. he contemplated chugging the drink in hopes of the alcohol to take a quick enough effect to make him ready to be social. he knew lottie would be wondering where he'd run off to, so he tried but the carbonated drink hurt his throat and his coughed up more than half of what he'd wanted to swallow. shaking off what'd splattered on him, nolan was horrified to see that someone had been witness to the whole thing. "looks like i retired the party animal too early." they tried to joke away the embarrassment. // @richardsonlouis
it’s a performance worthy of an academy award. serra walks away composed and confident, as if the entire situation wasn’t freaking her the fuck out, even as unseen tears stream down her face. it’s surreal?
sure, a part of her always knew that nolan would return to palmview, and perhaps on some level, she had been waiting and hoping for this moment. but, it feels too soon, far too soon. she’s not prepared for it, rendered breathless.
when serra first saw the news, all she wanted to do was hug him, make sure he was okay. but now, it feels more natural to keep her distance. her confidant, her rock, now a stranger. from a distance, she watches him on the beach, the tide tickling his toes. there’s a calming familiarity that overcomes her, as if she’s watching an old video of their shared time back in los angeles, a faint, wistful smile filling her features.
she takes her time to meet him, her mind racing with a million thoughts of what to say, but none of them feeling quite right. now, only a few feet away, their eyes connect– and she had never envied the ghost crab more, wishing she too, could disappear into the sand.
i’m really happy to see you, he says. is she happy to see him too? she’s unsure. pondering her words carefully, serra continues walking on the path he started. “i didn’t…” she starts, then falters, her eyes meeting his before looking away. “i didn’t…” again, she hesitates. “i didn’t think i even wanted to see you again.” she finally manages, her words coming out clumsily, in typical serra fashion.
“funny how i've ended up here.” she shrugs and chuckles nervously, the reality of living in his hometown just sinking in. “i can’t quite explain it,” she admits, unclear as to whether she’s talking about her arrival in palmview or her exit from los angeles. “—but, do we really have to do this?” she stops them short, her hand briefly finding their shoulder before she turns to face them fully. “you know exactly why i left, nolan. it's just... hard for me to look at you the same way."
there were many things for him to regret in life, but nolan always supposed that came with living. it was impossible for things to be perfect all the time, so mistakes were bound to happen. he could not deny that. could he admit to doing wrong in this instance, though? no, not when he watched her displeasure deepen day by day or when he listened to her complaints of the life she felt locked into. so why the anguish over something he stood by?
seeing her now, getting lost in her eyes all over again, nolan knew what it was he truly regretted. he wished he had made clear what he felt for her back then. shown her that what he had done wasn't just for her, but for both of them. he had been confident it would bring them closer together, not make them strangers to the point where he couldn’t even guess what she would say next.
of course they expected whatever she said to hurt. there was no way to avoid it, but when she spoke, a stinging sensation stabbed him in his chest and almost made him keel over.
a familiar panic began to wrap itself around his neck. he swallowed hard, pushing it down to the pit of his stomach. the acid will eat it away, he thought to himself as a bitterness began to fill his mouth. he refused to believe she didn’t want to ever see him again. if she’d been anyone else, he would’ve let the venom brewing in him to escape and return the pain. with serra, so sweet and so delicate in their eyes however, they couldn’t do it. so they swallowed it down again, the lump in their throat growing.
“i don’t think it’s funny,” he was finally able to get out. i think it’s really fucking sick actually, he almost spits out, but he doesn’t want her to run off and disappear again. he wants his explanation, needs it at this point. so he puts on a mask and pretends he’s fine; he knows how to act after all.
it’s when she stops and faces them that the facade begins to slip. they doubt they’re strong enough to keep it on much longer, so they let her have her way (an easy and natural thing for nolan). “okay. fine. not now,” he surrenders before going onto insist it’s not the end of things. “but we have to talk about this. i’ve missed you.. a lot. i know we can be close again if you only understood, so just… take time to talk to me.”
Most girls loved shopping. Thea was not most girls and she did not much care for polo shirts either. "If you hate them so much, why does it matter if it's the color or the presence of buttons? Put the damn things down so we can get out of here before we end up old and gray." Privately, Thea did think the colors were perfectly hideous as well. Even if it wasn't a fabric issue, Thea would never let someone walk around in something that color. Not even her worst enemy would deserve such a fate.
while thea made a good point, nolan would not allow the message to sink in. he would much rather sacrifice his comfort and suffer through an evening of wearing something he didn't like for the sake of looking the part than than sport something out of season.
noting her impatience, however, nolan shrugged and said, "fine, but the next time they tell me i'm underdressed at the yacht club, it's gonna be your problem." not that he expected the subject to ever be brought up to him since (as mentioned) he enjoyed dressing up. if ever though, he would actually find a way to pin the blame on someone else. typical nolan. speaking in half-truths.
as the two walked out of the boutique, nolan stuck his hands in his pockets. "so you haven't mentioned working on anything. i was sorta hoping there'd be something for us to jump into," he admitted. since he was trying to keep a low profile, nolan was keeping away from new york and california, but he missed the stage.
he's perched on nolan's couch, swiping through tinder like he swipes through insta stories -- barely paying attention. every time 'it's a match!' appears on his screen, he copy pastes and sends the exact same message: you're too fucking cute. going out tonight?
nolan's voice eventually pulls him out of his trance; a slow grin spreads over his features, visibly buzzed from pregaming at the yacht club since 2 pm. "aww, just tell me you missed me." adrian sure did; he enjoys their occasional hangouts, might even give him the drunk, sappy 'i love you, man' speech in the bathrooms of whatever establishment they end up at.
"to boy's night." he smirks, holding up the mini bottle of grey goose (or what's left of it anyway, because nolan sure took his sweet time).
--
they go to adrian's favorite club; he's chummy with the bouncer who lets them straight in, the dirty looks from the rest of the line only fueling his power trip. inside, he orders three shots, downs one by himself before bringing the other two back to nolan, "you've got some catching up to do."
without any hesitation, nolan reaches for the shot. they thank adrian, giving him a mischievous look before they down it, this time not even bothering to clink the small glass with other's. the spirit lifts him up, makes him stand up straighter as a small shiver goes down his spine. already he feels it working with the previous one to loosen him up. despite the muscles packed on him, nolan is a bit of a lightweight since he doesn't drink often. though lately, he's been indulging more and more. for a moment, he considers if maybe adrian has used substances as a way to blur out reality in the same way nolan has been since coming home. it almost makes him laugh. what does adrian need to run away from? his life is perfect.
taking a quick look around, nolan doesn't see anyone who catches his eye so he turns his attention back to his company. without rhodes around, nolan isn't really sure how to engage with adrian, so he has to resort to small talk. "so.. how are things? saw you swiping earlier. have you met anyone out here yet that you think will be able to tame the beast?" even as he speaks, nolan can hear how cringey the last of his words are but the vodka has already soothed his nerves enough for him not to care too much.
“Okay so here’s the deal,” Alivia prompted, turning from the display case to the person next to her. “If you can help me pick something to get, I’ll buy whatever you want. My treat.” She offered. At this point in her day, she needed a boost that usually came in the form of something sugary and something caffeinated. And sometimes, she liked getting suggestions for what she should get. Hence the attempt at recruiting the other into her plan. “I’ll try anything, so the possibilities are endless at this point.” She laughed.
just as nolan was about to ask about any potential allergies, liv made it clear that she didn't have any. endless possibilities. they lightly tapped their index finger against their lip. he wasn't much of a sweets guy and he didn't exactly know her well enough to know her taste; the combination made it difficult to be confident in his decision. still, he liked the promise of being treated to something, so he wasn't going to back pass the opportunity. "go with..." he dragged out the last syllable as his eyes scanned the selection of pastries, "the lemon poppy muffin, it'll go good with the london fog." though he said it with assurance, noaln wasn't exactly sure if it really would make a good pair. comfortable with making orders, he added, "which also happens to be what i want. iced."
“i’m glad y’all are around,” nolan tells adrian in regards to him and his brother also staying in palmview. if you asked them, nolan wouldn’t be able to say if it was sincere. maybe it was and it wasn’t. i can be complex, he thinks to himself.
on one hand, it was nice to have an old friend nearby. someone to be himself with. someone who was good at looking away from the ugly side of things. nolan didn’t want to think about los angeles, but it was getting hard to suppress the violent flashbacks of his last day there…
on the other hand, they aren’t the biggest fan of adrian. in fact, on a good day and if he wasn’t in sight, nolan would not call adrian a friend. but their mothers are friends, plus adrian’s known to make generous donations to the fundraisers nolan takes part in organizing, so keeping up appearances with the shephards has its importance.
getting the last of his things, nolan is finally ready. “okay, let’s get into some trouble,” he says with a smile, tossing a nip of adrian’s choice of spirit to him, then he twists the cap to his open. nolan holds up the mini alcohol bottle, taking a moment to think of what to toast to. “to boy’s night,” he says once he realizes he won’t be able to come up with anything better. // @adrivns
