[bobdoblin6699]

Nightmares woke me up again tonight. I needed a walk. It's her birthday again. It's been years and there is still this aching empty hole in me. I catch myself wishing I could share my life and the things I find and remember all over she's gone. I lost my heart. I don't know what to do with all the feelings and thoughts.

The dissonance of it hurts. All I want to do is reach out even though I feel like that's all I did as she walked away and picked him. I had every right to be furious but I hate that I might have said things that made her cry. And sitting here looking out over the river while the cities sleep in the same place we sat when she said she didn't want to marry me is where I ended up again. I've felt every single day in detail since she got on that airplane. I think I'm just the box buried somewhere deep in her closet and it hurts and I miss her.

So happy birthday pretty bird. I wish I could say I was well. I'm a nurse now like I said I would be. I help save lives like I always wanted to. I don't sing like I used to and I miss it. Mom is well and dad is getting weaker. Kiki has taken to catching rabbits. I miss your voice and your hugs even though I don't know what I'd do if I actually saw you. I miss your family. I'm going to walk home and try to sleep again. Like every day I miss you.

[bobdoblin6699]

All these broken souls, they never make me whole. They don't know my heart. All these broken souls they're far more beautiful. They don't know my heart. I'll send out my soul, somewhere more beautiful. They won't know my heart. It's the darkest part.

Starset

[the-moon-whisperer]

[bobdoblin6699]

I'm so tired every day.

[bobdoblin6699]

Its been a long week again. It's ok during the day when I can focus on my patients and use my work as a focus. But there have been more nights than not where I hardly slept because of the nightmares. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I can't sleep again. I'm the same loser I've always been. I can't shake the thoughts and the nightmares. It'll be her birthday again soon. All these dates and times swim through my mind as they come and go.

[bobdoblin6699]

Laying here in my bed listening to the wind and the thunderstorm and I can't shake her from my mind. I miss her voice and her scent. I miss feeling like I had a home and a partner. I said such hateful things. I'm tired and lonely. I lost my compass.

[ink-and-oceans]

“I miss your smell, your kisses, your tight hugs, your touch, your love.”

— i miss every damn thing

[blueeyes-and-love]

[moondust-and-dreams]

“I still hear my phone buzz and pick it up at 2am with that small bit of hope left in me thinking that it’s you, telling me that you miss me, that you’re sorry, and that everything is going to be okay again,”

16:10 - It’s never you, and it never will be

[desolatepoetry]

“I watched you fall out of love with me and I think I would’ve rather gone blind than watch the spark in your heart burn out.”

— I watched you live without me and I think I would’ve rather died ( @desolatepoetry)

[bobdoblin6699]

I wish the nightmares would leave me alone for a few days. I'm exhausted and I just want to sleep. I'm tired of being the same loser.

[the-suicide-effect]

[damnedinlove]

“It’s so fucking hard to be an optimist after a broken heart.”

— h.c.

[doistillmissyou]

This time at night makes me sad. Makes me remember all the conversations we had at this time. Makes me remember how happy you made me.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Nothing hurts more than being hurt by the person you never thought would hurt you.”

— Unknown

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“I was quiet; but I was not blind.”

— Jane Austen

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Loyalty isn’t grey. It’s black and white. You’re either loyal completely, or not loyal at all. And people have to understand this. You can’t be loyal only when it serves you.”

— Sharnay

[bobdoblin6699]

There are days you can't really prepare for. Thursday was one. Five months old was too young to come through the doors of the hospital like that.

We did everything we could but none of it mattered. I've seen death before. I work to prevent it but in the end it will win. I know how to process it and experience it.

Coming home at the end of that day. I always thought I would have my partner to be there for me when that moment came. I always thought she would be. Being alone with it all brought everything rushing back.

Maybe I'm selfish wishing I had someone who would be there for me when I spent my life caring for others. A child is gone and I'm still here. Some days there is no sense to it.