I was having some deep shower thoughts and some things started to really bother me. I realized I have been a shitty friend over the past year and a bit. I really miss you and I let my insecurities stop me from staying in touch, or making the effort to maintain a friendship. I considered you one of my best friends all throughout university, it never would have been the same without you. But I’ve never had normal girl friends; I am used to not being invited places, having people cancel plans with me, forgetting that I exist, not hearing what I say and ignoring me. It hurts. I assume that nobody would hang out with me or speak to me unless it was really convenient, like if we were in class together or worked together. Those situations are ok, because you have to show up to those things. As soon as it’s by choice and not convenient, these friendships end. When we went to different cities during the internship, you started making friends so easily. I felt bad, thinking you could have made all those friends in school if you didn’t have a partner for everything who was afraid of people. I also thought you would have no room in your life for me anymore with all of your new friends. I assumed they were more fun, smarter, and just better people than I am. I assumed you saw me as a classmate and not a close friend. I assumed you always had something better to do, and I’m just hanging out, waiting for you to be bored enough to hang out with me. I assumed you would talk about how annoying I was when I wasn’t around.
Most of these things aren’t really assumptions, they are more reasoned from experience and observation. I hope these are not real things, in our case at least. I just hoped that by writing them down I could call myself out on some of my stupid insecurities.
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
kianamaiart
romaincrisis
