Hello, my name is Bo! (she/her)
This blog is just for me to connect with other writers! I love seeing writing from others, or just connecting over a shared interest in writing. I very much encourage and enjoy interaction. This can be from tag games, ask games, random asks, or just messaging!
I'm 29 years old, and I'm Bi/Ace. I'm married to my partner and have been for a year now. We do have a young son together. I don't publicly post too many details about my family here though.
I tend to prefer posting random flash fictions, though I do have bigger project ideas! I'm a pretty slow writer, as I don't often have enough time to dedicate to writing. I have been writing since I was really young though. I've always had a fondness for stories, either listening, reading, or telling/writing them.
I don't really have a favourite genre to read, I like a bit of everything! But personally, mostly I tend to write realistic fiction, zombies and, light fantasy.
Here's a few links for you to explore!
My Writing | Another Link For Fun
And here's my currently inactive sideblog if you're interested!
Gaming Sideblog
Once upon a time, there was a shapeshifter. Now, in this day and age, her kind are dead, slain by the humans for their sins, but she's a special case. A very, very special case.
You see, her name was Hash Brown, and if you're thinking of a certain deep fried good right now, you'd be all too right. I know not if she named herself after the dish or if it was named after her, though. She is old enough that it could have been either. Should she tell you the story, do come running to me, for it is one she has long resisted letting me hear. I promise I will reward you quite aptly for such an act.
Hash Brown spent her days amongst the mortals, playing tricks on humans for her entertainment. This was one such day, a fine summer in southern Luxatia, where the zcaccha-blossoms were awake and raining purple upon the straw-hatched town of Emry.
The statue of the Witch of Emry stood proud in the town square, bearing her staff and hat. Light touched the beautiful gemstone set upon her staff, reflecting a rainbow upon the townsfolk.
Or, it would have if it had been there. But, it wasn't! Poof. Kaboom. Wham! No gemstone.
What, you think the special effects are childish? I'll have your head for that, sirrah. I'm the storyteller, and if you don't want to hear my story, you don't deserve to live.
Now, as I was saying, before I got so rudely interrupted, this was not, in fact Hash's fault. I know what you were thinking, heathen. Stereotyping our dear heroine, I see. Tch.
She had arrived in town late at night, in the form of a slinking housecat, soft and sweet, carrying nothing but her own soul. And that was a very light burden indeed, given how lacking it was.
Three youths stood in that town square, one balanced upon another's shoulders, prying the jewel out of the staff. There is a joke to be had in there, but I am afraid it is too coarse to be told by my fine tongue, so just imagine I said it.
When stone cracked and the jem came rumbling down, she was there to catch it, arms outstretched as a lithe woman. “Hail,” she said to the shocked children. “Wha’ do ya lot think ye're doin' here?”
Yes, she does really speak as such. There is an art to the twisting of the tongue that her people perform, and I have taken great pains to replicate her kina’ilra slurring. Observe, I can pronounce the phrase ‘y’all’re’ without any struggle. Do applaud for me.
The youths looked up and down at each other. “We're saving the world,” one, a girl, ventured, in tones so confused he might well not have believed his own words. “The Serpent comes to kill us all.”
“Serpent? I ain't heard of no serpent. Who told ya about this serpent?” Hash watched, unamused, as the kids climbed off each other and landed on the ground.
“The King's messenger warned us about it just the day before. Lady Emry's soulstone is said to repel danger, and we thought…” Underneath her icy gaze, the boy shrank back. “I'm Palian, miss,” he offered, by way of appeasement.
“Hash,” she replied, smiling the smile of a being who saw her day's entertainment serve itself on a platter. “So ya really need this stone?”
“Yes!” The other boy nodded. “Please give it back, Hash.”
“Hmm…” She inspected the jewel, holding it up under the moonlight. “Ah think not. It's pretty, may-be it'll be mine. I know a man who likes pretty things, afte' all.”
At this, all three children burst out into terrible babbling, reaching out for her and trying to snatch it back. She took one look at them, and fled. A most suspiciously Hash-like ferret took the jewel, and it was never to be seen again.
What, you wanted a better story? I just told you about how I got my most beautiful gemstone! Was that not good enough for your high standards? Fine, fine, I will allow you to hear what happens next.
My dearest Hash brought me her gift, and I mounted it upon this throne. Look how it glitters. The Witch of Emry must surely be rolling in her grave, and what a joy for that. I never met her in person, but I have heard nothing but foul words about her. She did not make many friends during her short stint in this world.
To this day, I know not of what serpent they feared. Luxatia is a land far beyond my circle of control, and if any danger arose there, it was surely conquered before it could reach this side of the continent. I have a suspicion, of course, but it is hardly worth sharing with a morsel like you. Some things are beyond the concerns of ilra like you.
What is that? You still insist? Have you not pushed me far enough? Are you not imposing upon your host? To shame, sirrah. To shame. Guards, help me chop off this little soul’s head. Do not give me that look, Miphala. Wayward children must be punished. Perhaps it will make him more polite in the future.
Once upon a time, there was a shapeshifter. Now, in this day and age, her kind are dead, slain by the humans for their sins, but she's a special case. A very, very special case.
You see, her name was Hash Brown, and if you're thinking of a certain deep fried good right now, you'd be all too right. I know not if she named herself after the dish or if it was named after her, though. She is old enough that it could have been either. Should she tell you the story, do come running to me, for it is one she has long resisted letting me hear. I promise I will reward you quite aptly for such an act.
Hash Brown spent her days amongst the mortals, playing tricks on humans for her entertainment. This was one such day, a fine summer in southern Luxatia, where the zcaccha-blossoms were awake and raining purple upon the straw-hatched town of Emry.
The statue of the Witch of Emry stood proud in the town square, bearing her staff and hat. Light touched the beautiful gemstone set upon her staff, reflecting a rainbow upon the townsfolk.
Or, it would have if it had been there. But, it wasn't! Poof. Kaboom. Wham! No gemstone.
What, you think the special effects are childish? I'll have your head for that, sirrah. I'm the storyteller, and if you don't want to hear my story, you don't deserve to live.
Now, as I was saying, before I got so rudely interrupted, this was not, in fact Hash's fault. I know what you were thinking, heathen. Stereotyping our dear heroine, I see. Tch.
She had arrived in town late at night, in the form of a slinking housecat, soft and sweet, carrying nothing but her own soul. And that was a very light burden indeed, given how lacking it was.
Three youths stood in that town square, one balanced upon another's shoulders, prying the jewel out of the staff. There is a joke to be had in there, but I am afraid it is too coarse to be told by my fine tongue, so just imagine I said it.
When stone cracked and the jem came rumbling down, she was there to catch it, arms outstretched as a lithe woman. “Hail,” she said to the shocked children. “Wha’ do ya lot think ye're doin' here?”
Yes, she does really speak as such. There is an art to the twisting of the tongue that her people perform, and I have taken great pains to replicate her kina’ilra slurring. Observe, I can pronounce the phrase ‘y’all’re’ without any struggle. Do applaud for me.
The youths looked up and down at each other. “We're saving the world,” one, a girl, ventured, in tones so confused he might well not have believed his own words. “The Serpent comes to kill us all.”
“Serpent? I ain't heard of no serpent. Who told ya about this serpent?” Hash watched, unamused, as the kids climbed off each other and landed on the ground.
“The King's messenger warned us about it just the day before. Lady Emry's soulstone is said to repel danger, and we thought…” Underneath her icy gaze, the boy shrank back. “I'm Palian, miss,” he offered, by way of appeasement.
“Hash,” she replied, smiling the smile of a being who saw her day's entertainment serve itself on a platter. “So ya really need this stone?”
“Yes!” The other boy nodded. “Please give it back, Hash.”
“Hmm…” She inspected the jewel, holding it up under the moonlight. “Ah think not. It's pretty, may-be it'll be mine. I know a man who likes pretty things, afte' all.”
At this, all three children burst out into terrible babbling, reaching out for her and trying to snatch it back. She took one look at them, and fled. A most suspiciously Hash-like ferret took the jewel, and it was never to be seen again.
What, you wanted a better story? I just told you about how I got my most beautiful gemstone! Was that not good enough for your high standards? Fine, fine, I will allow you to hear what happens next.
My dearest Hash brought me her gift, and I mounted it upon this throne. Look how it glitters. The Witch of Emry must surely be rolling in her grave, and what a joy for that. I never met her in person, but I have heard nothing but foul words about her. She did not make many friends during her short stint in this world.
To this day, I know not of what serpent they feared. Luxatia is a land far beyond my circle of control, and if any danger arose there, it was surely conquered before it could reach this side of the continent. I have a suspicion, of course, but it is hardly worth sharing with a morsel like you. Some things are beyond the concerns of ilra like you.
What is that? You still insist? Have you not pushed me far enough? Are you not imposing upon your host? To shame, sirrah. To shame. Guards, help me chop off this little soul’s head. Do not give me that look, Miphala. Wayward children must be punished. Perhaps it will make him more polite in the future.
Thousands of starfish had washed up on the beach, and a little girl was diligently throwing them back into the water, one at a time.
A man came up to the girl and said, "You'll never save all of them. What you're doing is pointless. It doesn't matter."
The girl threw another starfish into the water. "It mattered to that one."
The man snorted and walked away.
The girl kept throwing starfish, one after another.
To throw one starfish back into the ocean takes a trivial amount of effort, but to throw ten, or fifty, is much less so. The girl had not learned much of biomechanics, but she began to feel the strain in her back. Her skin had softened from the seawater, and the starfish themselves were abrasive. Her fingers had pruned. Her shoulder hurt. She was cut, twice, on her fingers, as the same storm that had stranded the starfish had also brought up broken shells and crab carapaces. The skin of a starfish was like sandpaper.
She tried switching hands, and could throw the starfish less well, and it wasn't long before she had mirrored all her injuries. She was bleeding, though the blood wept rather than flowing, briefly staining the starfish pink before they were tossed into the ocean.
It seemed as though there were just as many dying starfish as when she'd started.
After three hours, the girl was sunburnt. A passing man had told her that she should stop what she was doing, and had offered her some water, which she took, but he hadn't helped to throw the starfish back.
The girl's hands were cracked, scraped, and raw. Saltwater found the wounds, but she'd gone numb, and her motions became more mechanical.
"It mattered to that one," she thought to herself, "It mattered to that one," over and over, like a mantra. Her muscles ached, but the ache became familiar. When she'd started, her throws had been beautiful things, guided by purpose, but now they were sloppy and threatened to pull her off balance.
She did fall, more than once, landing on sand that was filled with jagged debris, and sometimes she was slow to get up. But she did get up, because there were more starfish to save, tens of thousands of them.
Night fell, and it was harder to see the starfish, but they were still in need of help. She was tired, and the cuts on her fingers had multiplied. The skin had been wet for too long, and in one place, on her palm, where she had gripped a thousand starfish to throw them, a piece of white skin had come off.
Still, she kept throwing starfish.
Her mother didn't find her until after midnight.
"Hi mom," said the girl. Her voice croaked. She had been saying, "It mattered to that one" under her breath for long enough that her vocal cords had strained. She threw another starfish into the ocean.
"You need to come home," her mother said.
"These starfish will die without me," said the girl.
"I know," said her mother. "But you need to come home, because if you keep doing this, you'll collapse on the beach, and like a starfish, you'll need to be rescued too."
The girl stooped down, back aching, and picked up another starfish. Many of them had died by this point, but there were still uncountably many that lived. The rough skin of the starfish grated at her tender skin, but she rose and threw it, arm protesting, and watched it fall down into the water.
Her mother grabbed her gently by the shoulders. "I'm bringing you home," she said. "It would be better if I didn't have to carry you, but I will if I have to."
"I don't want to be the sort of person who leaves starfish to die," said the girl, shrugging off her mother. But a part of her did want to be carried, because she'd walked for miles along this beach, one stooping step at a time.
"I know," said her mother. "But to survive, you have to be. Save as many as you can, but take breaks, get good sleep, eat well. Then go back and save more."
The girl swayed where she was. She was close to passing out, though maybe it was because her rhythm had been interrupted.
Her mother held out a hand, so they could walk together, like they'd done when she was smaller.
And it was then that she noticed the scars on her mother's hands, the calluses and rough spots, the places where cuts had healed. She had seen her mother's hands many times before, but had never asked why they were that way.
The girl slipped her hand into her mother's and began to cry as they walked back home.
I’m sitting on the floor, my eyes filled with tears. I don’t have the strength to deal with this anymore. Once again, you left and didn’t come back. You left me alone and filled me with loneliness without an answer. For months now, it’s been the same loop. you leave and return, every time for a different reason. I don’t have the emotional strength anymore to feel forgotten by you, to feel alone, to feel unloved. Sometimes I even feel like I hate you because of it. How can you just keep living your life knowing I’m there, sitting alone in the dark, simply alone? Sometimes I even hate the fact that I fell in love with you. I never wanted to open my heart again, and when you came into my life, I decided to try. To let myself be vulnerable. This is the last time.
I stood up from the floor, leaving the vodka bottle I had been drinking from for days lying there, maybe hoping the bottle would understand how I feel, because you don’t care. I walked to the kitchen, opened one of the drawers, and stared at one of the knives. I looked at it for a full minute, my thoughts racing like a train in Japan.
“What are you doing?”
Suddenly I heard your voice. I turned around in panic and shut the drawer.
“Nothing. Not that you care,” I said coldly, hoping you wouldn’t notice how swollen my eyes were after days of crying.
You slowly walked closer to me.
“My love, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. I love you. I’m so sorry I left you like this.”
You tried to touch my face, and I pushed you away. You looked startled by my reaction, and your eyes suddenly looked sadder.
“Just leave me alone already. I’m tired of this. Every time you leave and come back. You don’t love me.”
Your eyes looked vulnerable.
“Even when you’re angry at me, you’re still the most beautiful thing in the world. I’m so sorry for the heartbreak I keep causing you.”
Again, you tried to move closer to me gently, and I looked at you angrily but didn’t move away. You didn’t touch me, you only looked into my eyes.
“You’re beautiful when you cry. You’re always beautiful. But when you cry, your eyelashes stand out more, and your nose gets a little red. You’re an angel. And I’ve never loved anyone or anything the way I love you.”
You said it in your usually quiet voice, but this time even softer.
You noticed I wasn’t saying anything anymore. I wasn’t pushing you away either. So you gently touched my cheek, whispering that you were sorry over and over again, and just like always, I fell for your charm.
The only question is how much longer I can survive this.
You’re like a drug I would never want to recover from.
“I miss the way you used to be with me. Lately you’re always busy, and I hate it. You don’t even answer your phone anymore,” I whispered while looking into your eyes.
“I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t. It’s hard for me to deal with the guilt. I never forgot about you. I’m sorry. I love you.”
You kept stroking my cheek and wiping away my tears.
Suddenly I moved your hand away from me.
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this,” I said sharply.
“I’ll accept any decision you make. I’ll always love you,” you said softly.
“I love you. You’re my wife.”
My expression suddenly turned angrier, and my tone became sharper.
“You don’t make your wife feel like this. I honestly don’t understand what you think you’re doing. Every time you come back here and apologize over and over again, you end up doing the exact same thing. Every single time there’s something new. Every single time there’s someone else to save. But me? Nothing. I’m just nothing.”
I poured myself more vodka. there was barely anything left in the bottle. and drank quickly.
“One time it’s family, one time it’s the internet, one time it’s your friends, and one time it’s yourself. But me? Never. I never need saving, right? Because I’m just nothing. I don’t believe a single word that comes out of your mouth anymore. I’m tired of loving you.”
I said it louder this time, and your eyes looked sadder than ever.
“I’m begging you, let me hold you. Or at least rest your head against my chest and listen to my heartbeat. I miss you so much too, but I truly can’t. I really, really love you. And I’ll come back. I’m so sorry.”
A tear rolled down your cheek.
My expression softened again. Your emotions always melt me.
I hugged you gently, and you hugged me back. You held me tightly and whispered that you love me and that you are sorry over and over again while crying. I cried a little too.
I listened to your heartbeat and realized that everything you were saying was true.
Centuries ago, a faerie, soft-haired and luminous, became so enamored with perfume that she traded her immortality for a single rose to bloom in perfection, night after night, for the span of her mortal life.
Tonight, she knelt again among the ancient, crumbling walls and the spiderwebs. Ivy thick around her, moss yielding beneath her knees. The flowers had withered, as they always did...
She leaned close and gave them the last spark of her magic.
The petals flared blood-red beneath the moon, caught in threads of starlight—then fell to dust.
The scent remained. Perfect. Sweet. Unchanged.
She closed her eyes, smiling, as her wings unraveled into mist and drifted into the dark.
TW: human slavery, cannibalism, err racism/bigotry, I guess? Idk Racer is a really strange story
Synopsis: In a world where some humans are pathologically incapable of hurting others, a young woman refuses to give up and let herself succumb to the victimisation that society tells her is her biological perogative. There's also man-eating angels, generational trauma, and grave desecration <3 Inspired by a dream I had!
Word Count: 2.4k (for this part)/6.8k
Read part 1 here and part 2 here!
I had an angel friend when I was a little girl. Dahlia, her name was. My private school was full of angels. It made sense, considering that most of their kind on this continent were rich expatriates. This was back when we were both too little to understand what it meant to be what we were, back when our biggest worry was dodging nap time and making mud cakes.
Everything went to hell when we turned ten. It was Dahlia's birthday, and she had a big party. Her mother was a kindly woman, and had carefully explained to all the children that they could not play rough with me. I also knew she had, in those same gentle tones, told her husband that Dahlia would soon outgrow me, and not to worry that my lesser ways would rub off on her.
Everything went well, at first. And then I won a game. You know, kids would be kids, and pacifists would be victims. I won a game, and one of the other children grew frustrated and threw a tantrum. That girl, four years younger than me, had enough strength and speed to fracture my arm. Angels were, after all, stronger than us humans. I won a game, and the adults were irritated enough by it that they let my beating happen.
While my parents were shouting, and a doctor was called over, Dahlia watched me with these wide, baffled eyes. She said to me, ‘Why didn't you fight back?’
Even then, I was not the sort of person to start screaming from pain. I remember that agony well and clearly. I remember that humiliation even more. I met her dark eyes with my watery pale ones, and said, ‘I couldn't.’
Dahlia's mother was right, in the end. We drifted after that. I wish I could believe it was just the passage of time. I wish I could say that there was not an edge to all our conversations after that, a knowledge that if I ever won something, if I did better than her, she could make me pay for it. I wish I could forget her hand on my wrist, gripping it hard, when I dared to show up wearing the limited edition sneakers she wanted. The only thing that stopped her from taking those sneakers was the faint thread of our friendship, sawed ever thinner by power and the lack-thereof.
There is a knocking on the car. It is Sakurai. Her eyes hold that wary edge I always saw in the mirror. I would feel bad, but I know that that edge is the only ledge I have to hold on to, and I must cling to it even if it cuts me. I give her a little wave, a cool smile, and a lowering of the window. “Hello, Sakurai. I hope you don't mind that I made myself comfortable here.”
She folds her arms. “When the hell did you get changed? I mean, I'm glad you did, I had no idea where I could find you some decent clothes. I was too busy playing dumb and hoping for the best. You've caused a massive fuss, you know. They caught you diving for the gate on live camera. We're lucky they didn't see us helping you out of the building. Now come on, move over and let me drive.”
I get up, and take my briefcase with me. A few curious eyes turn to look at my strange outfit, and my throat freezes up. For a moment, I am in the arena and any one of the people in the carpark could be my hunters. But then I am in the back of the car, and I say, “Your little friend isn't joining us? She isn't going to spill the beans, is she?”
Sakurai glances back as she starts the car. “Don't worry. She's meeting me at my place. I didn't want us to raise any suspicion by leaving together.” She pulls us out of the parking lot and speeds up. “So, how did the great Thea Goldman end up naked in a killing hunt?”
Hearing my former name gives me the shivers. The memory of a mocking voice, a face so cruel my brain had wiped it from memory, and agonising pain all swirl into a nasty chunk of ichorous hatred. “Do not call me that. They stripped me of the right to my name when my mother sold me to the slavers. No—my mother stripped herself of the right to call me her daughter when she sold me off. I have no wish to wear either of the names she gave me. Call me Racer. I earned that name, and it fits me far better.”
In the rear view mirror, Sakurai’s eyes narrow. “If you insist, Racer. Your mother sold you off, eh? Isn't she like, a politician or something? She wouldn't need the money, so why would she sell her own daughter off—” The wheels in Sakurai’s head finish turning, and she shuts her mouth. “Election day is in two months, right?”
A politician or something? It makes me want to laugh. My mother, the brilliant and heartless Carmella Goldman, is the shining star of her party, the one who represents a decent chance at winning them a majority in Parliament for the first time in three decades. But I do not tell her that.
“Yes,” I say placidly, “You know as well as I how shameful it is to have a pacifist for a daughter. Especially one she allowed to become a driver. She wants to wipe her slate clean. No daughter, no husband. She'll be free to move on to brighter pastures, while I rot in an unmarked grave and my father's tombstone grows moss.” I rub my hands up and down my thighs, feeling the hard bulges where packs of money lay. “I'm not going to let her.”
“You know what you're doing is illegal, right? You're supposed to lay down and die.” She paused. “You're not going to do that, though. You must have a plan. I mean, you made it this far.”
I crack my neck. I was never good at making friends and influencing people, but I have learned a thing or two from my mother. “How much is your yearly salary, Sakurai?”
“What?” The car jerks a little in shock, and my head twinges in fear of having distracted her and caused an accident. “Erm- thirty thousand or so? Why?”
Thirty thousand. I could afford to part with fifty, I thought. My mother had sold me for seventy, and I needed twice that to be sure the man she sold me to would let me go. “Is your friend being paid the same amount?”
She slows the car, thinking about the implications of my question. Money, my mother always said, made the world go round. “Less, I'd imagine. She's junior staff, after all. And a human.”
“Fifty thousand.”
“What?” She turns around sharply. “What do you mean, fifty thousand?”
“That is how much I will pay you two to help me out. Split it between the two of you, I don't care how you do it. But I hope it is enough to reward you for your aid.” I lick my lips, aware that the expression on Sakurai’s face has a distinct similarity to that of my hunters. It is the face of someone hungry and ready to pounce.
“Where the hell would you get that much? I mean, hell yeah, I'm all for getting paid for charity work, but I hope you know I'd do it for free,” Sakurai said. “Feels wrong to let someone I know die. I mean, I…” She shakes her head. “We need to eat, but it's such nonsense to waste a talent like yours. The law's about getting rid of useless people, not those like you. Killing hunts are supposed to rid us of the dregs of society.”
The dregs of society? Did she mean herds of scared little kids? Because that was who was dying out in the dust of the arena. I laugh, a shrill, hollow thing. “Do not worry about where I will get the money. Focus on getting me to your place. I shall tell you the details there.” And please, do not continue talking about killing hunts, I pray.
“Wow, you're confident. Even more so than I imagined you'd be.” Sakurai snorts. “I still have your autograph, you know. I only started working at that place because I wanted to see the races. It's not right that they're using the motor circuit as killing grounds. I don't think they should be doing killing hunts at all.”
Oh god, I am going to have to listen to politics the whole drive. I sigh. “Really? I would have imagined most angels thought well of killing hunts. They are organised for your gain, after all.”
“It's bullshit!" She slams her hand on the dashboard. "They say it's to punish criminals, but the people in that pen weren't criminals, were they? I thought I saw a kid in there.”
“You saw right,” I reply simply.
“Yeah.” Sakurai’s face scrunches up. “We have to eat human meat. It's an unfortunate side part of reality. People like me, we make do with as little as we can. Just enough to provide us with the right nutrients and whatnot. But the rich—that’s who the killing hunts are for. And they don't care how much they eat and how much they waste. They don't care until their stomachs are full. It’s not right. It's not fair.”
I try to smile. “Yeah. It's not.” But nothing in life is fair. Does she think I am a child? Is she trying to pander to me? No. I look in her eyes through the mirror. She means it. That is somehow worse. “You really would save me for free, wouldn't you?”
“Yeah. I would.” She stops at a red light. “You know, a lot of people suspected. Even more when you suddenly retired. So many people said it was good that you stopped racing when you did, because it would have ended in tragedy. But I don't think so. You're a brilliant driver. I've never seen anyone like you. I…”
I know what I should say. Here is a fan of mine, supporting me in a bad time. I should play the role of the brave hero who is going to set things to rights. Sakurai is not the first to ask that of me. I think of the dead little boy, ripped to scraps for some rich kid’s pleasure. I could not comfort him then, either. I think of Dahlia, who kept wondering why I didn't fight back like a normal person. Was she in the audience? Did she enjoy playing in killing hunts? Would she spare me if I were the one she came face to face with in the arena?
I cannot respond. I look Sakurai in the eye with my cold, sad, dead-woman’s eyes, and eventually she pulls her gaze back onto the road. “Are you going to try going back to riding? After you fix what's going on, I mean.”
“Yes.” It slips out of my mouth. “I will get my Marigold back, somehow. I have to. And when I do, I'll go back to riding.”
Marigold. Even saying her name hurts. It hurts more than the beatings they gave me. It hurts more than that man pinning me down, groping me, intent on raping me until his supervisor called him away. It even hurts more than my own mother collaring me and handing me over to the killing hunt organised. My Marigold, my love of my life. My motorbike.
“Even if it is the last thing I do, I will get her back. She is the only thing in my life I cannot live without. My parents forced me to sell her away when the ban came into place, but I will find a way to return her to me. She is my everything,” I say. It is such a stupid, useless thing to say, full of idealism and hope and all the things a person like me cannot afford. But I do not care. I mean every word of it.
Sakurai eats it right up. “I remember you saying as much in your last interview. I can't believe they made you sell her away. It's ridiculous. Everything about what's happening to you is ridiculous.” She shakes her head at the injustice of it all. “We're almost at my place, by the way. I'll cook you dinner. You are hungry, right?”
At the sound of dinner, I am overcome with a hunger so deep it drives out all other thoughts. “Oh my god. Yes. Yes, I am hungry. Please,” I say, briefly forgetting my dignity. “I am so hungry.”
They starved me during that week. A few of my penmates passed me scraps, but it was hardly enough. They were trying to thin me down, weaken me so I would be easier prey. As it stood, I was in the peak of health and still possessed of my willpower. And so now I am underfed and still possessed of my willpower.
Sakurai nods as she stops the car. “Well, it's an honour to cook for you, Th- Racer. Come on. Why are you wearing your suit, by the way?”
I shrug, stomach grumbling very loudly. “Oh, it was the only thing I had access to. I will buy new clothes when I get the chance. I hope you do not mind my staying at your house for a few days to recover. I have a plan, but…”
The truth is I do not want to fight some more so soon. I am exhausted. I want to sleep. I want to be safe. My body is bruised and bashed and so, so hungry. I just want to rest. But I do not tell Sakurai this, and I do not let it show on my face.
“Oh, it's alright. Stay as long as you need, if you're cool with sleeping on the couch. My apartment’s not that big, I'm afraid.” The lift lobby of her apartment is shabby. It reminds me of when my mother had brought me with her on a campaign to speak to the needy in her jurisdiction. I wonder if she had already planned to get rid of me then, when she let all those druggies and unemployed people coo over me. I hope not. I hope at least some of our memories together were real.
Zoey took a second to breathe as she massaged her legs. She sat down on an oddly-shaped rock near the upward-sloping side of the path up Mt…she would have to double-check the name when she left. Her legs burnt with lactic acid, real lactic acid, and it made her smile, but then groan as they hurt to even massage.
“It’s good exercise, just take each step as it comes. Wes told you what was at the top. Just got to go up there and get it, right?”
Zoey looked forward, toward the other side of the path and past the railing. The slope cut down sharply, but past that ridge was a sea of trees blowing and shifting in the wind. Near the edge of the woods was a line of residential buildings, followed by medium-rises, and then skyscrapers barely bigger than the nail on her little finger. She checked.
Zoey searched through her backpack, pushing aside a first aid kit, a flare gun, and a copy of a book she didn’t remember bringing. At the bottom was a cell phone.
“There you are. Let me just…” She took a picture of the landscape that unfolded before her. Beneath the photo she captioned it, “Absolutely gorgeous landscape, can’t believe the work that goes into making this place beautiful. Already looking forward to coming here again and just staring at the forest. 5 stars!”
She put her phone away and stood up, a little more relaxed and energetic than before. She was halfway up the mountain and she was determined to get that prize.
As she hiked up the mountain she saw other hikers and admired the dedication they represented. She never quite talked to any of them, but they wished her a good morning. Later up the trail, a ranger checked to see how she was doing. Just like she had with the hikers, she waved the ranger along. Eventually she found herself at a river crossing the path before her. The other hikers were taking a bridge to get across. The wooden hand rails were carved and painted red to give the place a sort of meditative feel to it all. Zoey moved towards the bridge but as she got close, a kid broke free from his family and instead skipped over the river using a series of smooth flat stones sticking up from the creek.
She decided to take his lead and began to follow across the stones. One, two, and then a big stretch to three, a small jump to fou…
She slipped.
She caught herself, her nose an inch away from a larger, more jagged stone.
Zoey looked up and saw the ranger from before looking toward her with concern, wading into the water. She waved him off with a laugh, straightened up and turned towards the bridge. Just beneath the bridge she could see the river give way to a waterfall. She took out her phone again and gave the picture another five stars and a small warning to “be careful if you decide to skip across the river.”
The ranger stopped her on the far bank and asked, “Do you need me to look at that?” pointing toward a small gash on Zoey’s hand.
“Oh, uh, no, no thank you. I’m actually kind of happy with it as is. Haven’t felt a scrape like this in years. Exciting in a way.” She walked past the ranger who furrowed his brow.
As she continued she noticed another stone on the side of the path, once again towards the upward sloping side of the mountain, and angled just perfectly for her to sit and stare out across the path toward the scene for her. The wear and tear of the thing made it clear that it was natural, yet the thing looked exactly like the rock she saw only a few kilometers back. She pulled out her phone and took another picture and left a less flattering caption. “I saw this stone before. It’s a bit repetitive, is it not? I get that it’s there to let me look across for the view and rest, but just put in a bench instead. The view is pretty though. Two stars.”
After another hour of hiking, she finally got to the pavilion at the peak. A stone marker indicated that she was 599 meters above sea level and had walked 6.8 kilometers. Across the courtyard was a cable car that would lead her down the mountain. She took another picture, commenting on the details of the cables, and the colors of the car, and how it all looked like it was well maintained, but in need of another paint job. She hoped Wes would appreciate her comments.
Just past the cable car was a small restaurant with a bowl of noodles on the sign. Finally, her reward. Zoey walked inside and ordered the curry udon, just like Wes suggested. The bowl was out before she really had a good time to look around, so she took her chopsticks and dug in. The first slurp was absolutely delicious, just the perfect blend of buckwheat noodles and curry spices.
Around the restaurant were several of the hikers she saw before. She considered inviting one of them to eat with her, but didn’t want to keep Wes waiting for her review, especially of the noodles.
The next bite felt a little spicy… She checked the menu over the counter and it didn’t have the chili pepper for spicy, but Zoey pushed it out of her mind. It was curry udon after all. She continued to eat a little more, though she began to struggle as her hand started to shake and her palms sweat.
Zoey’s lips began to burn. She dropped her chopsticks into the bowl of noodles. The noodles sat in her stomach like a brick, but worse, the spice was growing hotter and hotter in her mouth. She stood up, fanning her mouth, and looked around for a water fountain or something, anything. Everyone around her continued to eat without reacting to her. The pain grew hotter and hotter until it was a searing fire burning through her throat.
---
Zoey unplugged from her VR set and quickly fell out of her chair toward the mini fridge in her wall. She pulled out a bottle of water and downed it before another could even be fully constructed in its place.
The sensation difference between the scorching heat and now the ice cold water cooked her brain for a second as she took the time to just let it slowly wash over her.
She stood up and switched the chair from VR to just her simple computer and started to type up a report to Wes. She included all of her previous screenshots and comments, but focused on how the udon needs to be fixed. “You can’t have players pulled out of the experience because of some damn noodles.”
Zoey took a second to look out the window of her dragonfly and stare at the distant stars. She pulled up the status display on the window to double-check the relay was still allowing messages to flow properly. All green and hovering at 7.8 exabytes a minute. Then she plugged back in.
TW: human slavery, cannibalism, err racism/bigotry, I guess? Idk Racer is a really strange story
Synopsis: In a world where some humans are pathologically incapable of hurting others, a young woman refuses to give up and let herself succumb to the victimisation that society tells her is her biological perogative. There's also man-eating angels, generational trauma, and grave desecration <3 Inspired by a dream I had!
Word Count: 1.8k (for this part)
Read part 1 here!
My destination is a small graveyard a half-hour’s drive from the circuit. As I pull the car into an extremely illegal breaking position, I thank my lucky stars that today is not a prayer day. There is not a soul in the graveyard as I set a loping pace towards my grandfather's grave.
Before my father died, he and I made preparations. It was unspoken between us: ‘Things will only get worse from here’. It was after my final race, when the law banning me from riding was passed. I had cried myself to sleep for weeks after we sold away my motorbike, but that money would go a long way towards protecting me now. One last gift from the love of my life. If only I could have done her the same justice she always did me.
I suppose I am, or was, one of the lucky ones. Born to rich, non-pacifist parents, one of whom loved me no matter what. Parents who insisted on letting me pursue my passion, even though pacifists were never meant to become riders. But even the lucky ones like me get hurt in the end. I get on my hands and knees. Time to desecrate my grandfather's grave.
Before I begin my frenzied digging, I carve out chunks of the grass with my blade. My father taught me the art of making sure nobody would notice me disturbing the ground. Where he learnt that, I could only guess. I wish he had the chance to tell me before he died. I wish for many things I will never get.
When I finish my careful work, I set the knife aside and start ripping at the ground. I can only imagine how any potential bystanders would react, seeing a buck-naked, filthy, starved and bruised creature clawing at dirt with overgrown fingernails.
Eventually my fingers hit a wooden crate. I unearth it, and breathe the smell of grave dirt and repurposed wine casket in deep. My knife is my lever to open it, and I wipe my dirty hands on my bare thighs as I look down at my treasure.
Two hundred thousand dollars. In cold, hard cash, kept in a leather briefcase. It brings a triumph so violent I could forget my pacifism for a moment, but even that pales in comparison to the sight of my racing suit. The last thing I have to remind me of my beloved. I would do anything, endure any amount of pain to get her back. But she is gone, and my father went through great pains to make sure I did not discover who took her from me.
I grimace and put the suit on. It feels strange to have the suit touch bare skin, and that discomfort is magnified by my lack of underwear. If only we had the foresight to pack a set in that crate. My boots go on next, once again unfamiliar without the socks. And then the shades, with their reflective coat.
I eye myself in the reflection of a polished silver brooch. A sad woman with bloody lips, sunken features and beautifully pale eyes stares back. My hair is a bird's nest of matts and tangles, though, and there is nothing I can do about the bruises, unless I want to wear my helmet all the time.
My grandmother's ivory comb tames most of the tangles, and my knife handles the rest. I care for my long hair, and I refuse to allow anything to force me to chop it short. Not even being sold as chattel, not even it being uncombed for a week, not even certain death. I have my pride and I will die with it. Grandmother taught me that.
Grandmother did not ever forgive me for being born the way I am. She died telling my mother that surely, my eyes would darken as I grew older. I remember her cold, blaming eyes on mine, never saying it outright but always implying it. Surely, I would grow out of this. I was not truly her granddaughter otherwise. I have tainted her legacy in every way, and I suppose killing-hunt dirt on her heirloom would be the final nail in her coffin, so to speak.
Oh well. The comb went in the briefcase and the knife in my pocket. I do not bother with the jewelry, or my prom dress. I never got a chance to wear that dress, having bought it a week before I got kicked out of the school. ‘We cannot assure your daughter’s safety,’ they told my mother. She cursed them out, threatened to sue, but the principal held his ground. And so I had to take my finals at an external assessment center.
It is most fortunate that my diploma is laminated, considering the amount of filth on my hands. I put it in with the money too. My driver's license would fool nobody, being both expired and clearly depicting a person not allowed to drive. I tuck it in my pocket anyway.
For a moment, I consider leaving my racing helmet in the crate. It is unwieldy, unnecessary and unabandonable. It goes under my arm, fitting against me like a missing puzzle piece.
My gloves go in my pockets, for I would never filthy them with my dirt-ridden unwashed hands. I bury the rest again, and offer a brief apology to my grandfather's disturbed corpse. If he is anything like his son, he will forgive me. If not? Well, even the vindictive ghost of my grandfather cannot make my life worse.
With my shades, and lack of nakedness, I have nothing to fear. I rummage through Sakurai’s car in broad daylight. Though I have no use for the massive tweezers designed for wing preening, nor the spare, unpowered stun baton, I do take her first aid box from the trunk. Her glovebox is a treasure trove of wonders, too, with baby wipes that I immediately use on every part of me that I can reach. When I am done scrubbing there is a little mountain of scrunched up wipes covered in dried blood, dirt, and worse things. The semi-scabbed whip marks from the slavedrivers burn, and I do my best to apply antiseptic cream on them, trying to ignore the awkwardness of being topless in someone else's car.
I have no more open wounds, except for a few splinters from where the old arena gate dug into my shoulder. I pluck them out using the not-so-massive tweezers designed for things that are not wing plumage, and put little bandaids with superhero characters where blood oozes.
Angels, being somewhat higher beings than humans, do not sweat. Unfortunately for me, this means there is a dearth of deodorant in Sakurai’s car. Her perfume—a nameless drugstore canister—is a poor substitute, and I pray that nobody takes too deep a whiff of eau de Racer.
Finally, I zip my suit back up. Not before stuffing wads of cash against my thighs and chest, of course. I am no fool, to think that anyone who discovered my pool of money would hesitate to take it from me. About half of my money goes into my racing suit, little enough that the case is not conspicuously empty, large enough that my chest and stomach area appear visibly larger than someone of my measurements should be. I try not to think about how easy it would be for someone to rip the suit off me.
The crazed beast in the rear view mirror has turned into a somewhat dishevelled woman in a racing suit. Even so, no amount of Sakurai’s too-pale compact can hide the fact that I have been repeatedly punched in the face. I turn up the AC, down her spare bottle of water, and recline myself on the driver's seat.
It is pure bliss. I am safe. I am free. I am, for a brief moment, unburdened by worry. I close my eyes and breathe in the crisp, cold air, laced lavender freshener and rose perfume. There is a distinct edge to the realisation that you escaped certain death, an edge that slices through your defences and turns you into a scared child.
I do not weep. Do not picture me weeping. My eyes are not red, tears do not stream down my cheeks. I am not shaking from the aftereffects of adrenaline, from the realisation that a lifetime of safety and luxury did not protect me from being turned into an animal and hunted for sport, from the knowledge that my father is dead and my mother has abandoned me. I do not think about all the dead children, and I do not let out a muffled sob when I remember the little boy.
The last week is a blur. I insist it stays so, for my heart cannot take acknowledgement of what has been done to me. I do not curl up in a foetal ball, and I most certainly do not cry after my father. He is dead, and those such as I do not mourn dead people. I would never be able to stop mourning if that were so.
When I am done not-crying, I wipe my face and start the car. For the record, I do, technically, know how to drive a car. Do not picture me maneuvering around having never touched a wheel before. I took a few classes, as a teen, which is how I know, in theory, how to change gear.
When I scrape the paint coat against a fence, I wince and pray that money, the great equaliser, will be enough to appease Sakurai.
I make it back into the carpark with my dignity bruised and an hour to spare. The number of cars has dwindled, and the number of people risen. They stand in clumps, muttering amongst themselves. My hands shake violently and I have to grit my teeth as I honk at them to get out of the way. I drive as carefully as I can, sparing no expense in returning the car to precisely its original position in the staff zone.
Most of the crowd is angels. Killing hunts are an angelic activity, after all. They must have held multiple rounds here, or else there would not be such a massive crowd. I wonder if those people laughing and chatting get off on it, on the feeling of watching children beg for mercy and find none, on the knowledge that they are punching down and hurting those who cannot hurt back, on being playground bullies of a grand scale.
Within the comforting confines of the car, nobody looks at me. I make sure the autolock is enabled all the same. Are the windows shatterproof? I doubt it, but even so it makes me feel better to have a killing machine wrapped around me. I could almost imagine I were the killing machine, that way—a pathetic, childish, comforting thing to imagine.
TW: human slavery, cannibalism, err racism/bigotry, I guess? Idk Racer is a really strange story
Synopsis: In a world where some humans are pathologically incapable of hurting others, a young woman refuses to give up and let herself succumb to the victimisation that society tells her is her biological perogative. There's also man-eating angels, generational trauma, and grave desecration <3 Inspired by a dream I had!
Word Count: 2.6k (the full story will probably be about 10k, though)
Some people in this world are blessed. Some people in this world were born with power, have power, will always have power. Some people are destined to greatness, to be heroes and kings, to live in a world where good things happen to them.
The rest of us are doomed to their playthings.
I know it from biology class, back in the days when our kind were still allowed in class. I cannot remember my teacher’s face, but I remember the condescension in his dark eyes when he told me that it was the way things were, that some people were born to be prey. What use is there, in this world of competition, for those who cannot fight?
He is wrong. I know that too. I know it from the race track, the wind in my hair, the revving of my engine. There I could fight, there I could win. The world does not like that story, though. People like me are not meant to win. People like me are meant to roll over and surrender. What use is there for skill, in this world of competition, where everyone believes the winners and losers are predetermined?
I own a knife. It is a pointless thing for a person like me to own. I am a jawless hound with a single loose tooth, a fly with vestigial wings. I cannot use it, though I have tried. People like me are not meant to fight. I know this from the walls of the holding pen, the smell of fear as us lambs are brought to slaughter. What use is there for a weapon, in this world of competition, when one cannot wield it?
The angels rattle the bars of our cage. I am the oldest one in here, practically full grown. The little ones cling to my skirts. I cannot save them. I cannot save myself.
We are all naked. Clothes would only get in the way when the angels snap our backs, rip out our throats, and feast on our innards. They let me keep my blade, though. I suppose they must have found it funny to see a girl like me naked and wielding a knife. Perhaps they expect the lucky angel who catches and mauls me to have a little joke out of it, use my own useless weapon to carve out a chunk of flesh. I feel the slightest pressure on my waist and butt, from a little boy clinging to me and weeping. His eyes are the palest grey, like the stormclouds on the day they found my father’s mangled corpse wrapped around me, shielding me from the death I deserved.
I stroke his hair. It is the only comfort I can offer. There are words stuck in my throat, words with shapes like ‘it will be alright’ and ‘i will protect you’. I cannot protect him, or myself, or anyone at all for that matter. I do not have the neurons for it. It is not in my biology. No matter how hard I, or anyone in this killing pen, try, we will never be able to use violence. And so it means violence will be used against us.
Pacifism is a physiological trait found in approximately one third of the human populace. It is a curse that appears at random. Happy families could be struck by misfortune, and forced to birth children with pale eyes and soft hands. In the darkest of cases, a regular, hearty child might suddenly grow sallow and tranquil, to the horror of his parents. We are the runts of the litter, designed to be killed first while our betters flee. They let us breed only because we are necessary fodder, servants to the worthy. Or so they say, at least.
I sway back and forth. They showed us a video of a killing hunt in biology class. I remembered the fear in those people’s eyes, their pathological helplessness that led to their demise. I remembered the real people, the angels and heroes and worthy ones, watching me with mocking smiles. They knew better than I that my place was as a rotting half-eaten corpse in a gutter, rather than as a hardworking student in a classroom.
I kiss my knife. Even now I do not know what to do with it. My mother gave it to me in despair, hoping against hope that when it entered my hand I would stop being prey. Life does not work that way. The only thing I ever used it to do was sharpen my pencils. All the same, it lends me an air of dignity. Or maybe it makes me look like a fool. I was never quite clear on the difference.
I hear a creak of metal. The roof of our cage lifts. All of our hearts, as one, speed up. We know our purpose. To run until we are caught, and then to die without a fight. There are victims and there are victors. There are the strong and there are the weak. There is us, and there is them.
The door to our cage swings open. The angels stand a respectful distance away, watching us. After all, it would be no fun if we were all immediately caught, right?
I do not want to die like prey, and so I stand firm as the crowd of human filth around me flows into the arena. There are whoops and cheers and laughter from the stands. For a moment I am wearing my racing jacket, crowing in victory before the crowds, standing on the podium and waving. I did not take off my helmet, then, even though it was proper to. I did not want the noise to die down when they saw my violet eyes, so soft and unviolent.
There is only one person left in the pen. Me. A naked, shivering, terrified piece of meat. The angels are too busy filling the air with blood and sounds of bones cracking to notice me. I turn around, and my back prickles with the knowledge that something could attack from behind at any moment. I know from experience that the south gate to the arena has a broken lock. The attendants apologised for it, back when I was a person worth apologising to, back when I was in a battle that did not ask for things as intrinsic as a penchant for harm. To think that they would use a biking circuit as a hunting ground.
One hand and one foot on the bars, knife clenched between my teeth, prepared to climb the pen and dash for freedom. I smell the gasoline of my bike from a lifetime ago. Ready, set, go.
My palms are so sweaty that I almost slip. I hear a sharp scream, quickly cut off. It belongs to a little boy. Perhaps the very same one that clung to me for comfort. Someone in the audience shouts and points, but I am over the pen and landing on the other side of the arena. There is a flapping of wings as an angel lands behind me. I kick up as much dust as I can. My fingers grasp the gates of freedom, and I slide inside. I slam the door shut as the angel lunges, and the wooden door thumps hard. My shoulder will be bruised tomorrow, if there is even a tomorrow for me.
I dig my feet in, pressing my full body weight against the gate. I am weaker than the angel, as all lesser beings are weaker than their superiors, but adrenaline fuels me. If I fail, I will die. And if I do not try, I will fail.
The angel snarls and bats at the door. “Guards!” He cries, infuriated by his prey fighting back. “Get this damn thing out of there!”
There is shuffling. They intend to intercept me from behind. My plan has failed, will fail, was always doomed to fail. People like me were born to lose. But still I press against the door. I refuse to die without dignity. I cannot fight, but I will struggle until the very end.
“Jordan, you’ll miss the good stuff if you don’t get back,” another angel cries. Jordan–how strange it is to know your would-be eater’s name–heaves a sigh and gives up on his quarry, not willing to miss the forest for a single stubborn tree.
I count to five before I let go. The sounds of pounding footsteps reach me, and I walk towards them. I almost laugh when I see who has come to drag me to my death. Of all the people to meet on this fine day, I think. Of all the places for them to release me onto. Did any children make it to the far side of the circuit? Were the same attendants that showered praise upon me ready to shove them to their deaths?
The securitywoman, an angel in gold and blue, stops in her tracks, baffled by my fearlessness. She holds an arm out to stop her coworker. How unusual to see an angel partnered with a human. They must be low on manpower. “The pacifist’s trapped,” she tells the other guard. “We don’t need to rush this, not like it’s gonna fight its way out.” There is no familiarity in her eyes, only mild curiosity. It is the look a bored, unhungry cat gives a mouse.
I fold my arms, more to cover my nipples than to affect any bravery. Hope was not made for people like me, but I feel it anyways, as malformed as a round peg in a square hole. Perhaps people like me were not doomed to lose after all. The thing that spreads across my lips might charitably be called a smile, but only by someone with very bad vision and no understanding of what a grimace was. “Hello, Sakurai. Long time no see. You got promoted, it seems. Or did you switch career tracks?”
It discomfits both the guards to hear me speak. I suspect it would suit them both to think me as deficient in intellect as I am in cruelty. “You know me?” The angelic guard asks, a touch of fright in her voice.
No one has ever been afraid of me before. It is intoxicating, even if she is more afraid of my peculiarity than my person. “You do not remember? It was a full moon. The night of the Open Maiden run. I won. You asked me why I refused to remove my helmet. I lowered my visor for you, Sakurai Blackwood. I do hope you have not forgotten that.” I tilt my head politely at the other guard, keenly aware of their stun batons, keenly aware of how easy it would be for them to beat me to a bloody pulp, keenly aware of how little I would be missed. My shoulders do not hunch. I make sure of that.
There is a silence for a moment. Or, there is as much silence as there can be when forty-nine children are being hunted for sport in the background. The screaming has died down, now that most are caught. The devouring has begun. Finally, Sakurai breathes in sharply. “Fuck. It's you. Y- you’re… Why are you here? Aren’t you, you know, someone…” She trails off, searching for a word that does not exist in our tongue, or any other tongue for that matter.
“Someone worthy of living? Someone who deserved to be spared? An exception to the rule?” I shake my head. “Get me out of here, and I will tell you the full story. You do wish to hear it, do you not?” What paltry offerings I have to bargain with. I am heartwrenchingly grateful for them.
The human guard taps Sakurai’s shoulder. “What’s going on?” she demands, in the tones of one who sees nothing more than angel food where I stand. “You know that thing? Why the hell does it have a knife?”
Sakurai bites her lip. “You remember a while back, all that fuss about the masked lady? Well. Not lady, I guess, she’s too young for that. But you know what I’m talking about. The one who showed up out of nowhere and started winning races. Look, let’s just get her out of here. She doesn’t belong here.” Her eyes flit to mine. “I’m sure nobody will miss one pacifist, right?”
And that is how I find myself using an oversized jacket as a toga, hiding behind an angel’s wings as we hurry through the passage beneath the stands. It leads to a parking lot. I realise I never thought I would see a carpark again. My knees buckle, and Sakurai barely catches me. “See the blue sedan? Hide in there,” she tells me, undoing my makeshift shift and returning it to her partner. “Here’s my car keys. Go and wait until I’m done with work. If anyone tries to grab you, use your knife-” She stops and considers her words. “Erm. Nevermind. Just try not to get spotted, I guess. My shift ends in three hours, once these guys are done mopping up. We can talk then.”
I take the keys, fondling them. I wonder if my nakedness bothers either of them. It bothers me greatly, though I dare not show it. I think of a queen sentenced to execution, a queen who practised laying her neck upon the gallows so it would be lopped off gracefully. I channel her dignity, and her pride in the face of death. “I appreciate the help,” I reply coolly, glancing around. It takes a great deal of effort to stride, rather than scamper, to the sedan.
The first thing I do when I enter it is lock all the doors. The second thing I do is watch the guards leave. The third thing I do is rev up the engine. Three hours is more than enough for me to drive to my cache and back again.
I did not prepare for this outcome per se. Nobody expects their own mother to sell them into slavery, even if their mother never wanted a pacifist for a child, even if their mother made it clear her husband was the only thing stopping her from abandoning said child and starting life anew, even if their mother had a killing hunt organiser’s number on speed dial. But I knew what the world thought of people like me, and I knew I needed something for when I inevitably became prey.
Cars are not motorbikes. This may seem obvious, but there is long line of people who have assumed that skill in the latter would lead to skill in the former. I join that line out of necessity as I haphazardly pull out of the carpark.
There is a a great deal of science that lies behind banning pacifists from driving vehicles of any kind. It begins with the innate fact that pacifists cannot cause harm. Our brains simply shut down if the possibility occurs. We were not built to hurt. And cars, along with airplanes, motorbikes, and trucks, are simply nothing more than mechanised killing machines people use to get around.
It was discovered that if put in a position where a vehicular collision was possible, a pacifist would simply shut down and lose control of themselves. The second their body realised it was going to hurt someone, it shut down. This tactic worked well when it came to a punch or swing of the sword. It did not go quite as splendidly when the damage was going to be caused by one and a half thousand kilograms of metal accelerating towards someone.
So I do my best not to think about anything at all as I drive.