“wait. so you’re telling me that you’re the most feared pirate in the world, but you can’t swim and you want me to teach you how to swim??”
i thought pirates were meant to be intimidating and mean with no manners. you are literally the poshest, nicest and most polite pirate that i’ve ever met.
you told me you were a pirate and i didn’t believe you, you got angry and stormed off somewhere. yeah, i know i offended you but iS THAT ANY REASON TO KIDNAP ME AND PUT ME ON YOUR SHIP JUST TO PROVE YOUR POINT???
i’m your significant other and i only see you once every few weeks because you go off pirating somewhere and you let me come aboard the ship for the first time and what do you mean your crew didn’t know who i was??
that’s such a realistic pirate costume! you look exactly like (insert name of potential evil overlord of the seven seas or an intimidating pirate here)! wait, that’s so cool! that gun looks so realistic haha! man you do a great impression of a pirate, it’s almost like you’re really threatening me!!
(additionally) hOW STUPID CAN YOU BE I’M AN ACTUAL PIRATE, NO STOP TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME WHAT IS THIS
you’ve taken me hostage on your pirate ship, i thought it would be awful but you’re all treating me so nicely and i have my own room and everything. oh my god this food is delicious??? thank you so much?? (can i stay here forever please i love it here)
i’ve heard rumours about mermaids/mermen who seduce pirates into coming overboard with them, and never being seen from again. hah! no way am i gonna fall for tha—! shit, you’re so hot.
we’re two rival pirates & we both hate each other’s guts, but another pirate came aboard and stole all my loot and killed a majority of my crew. i managed to escape, and you had heard what happened so you offered for me to take refuge on your ship. yeah right, you’re probably just lulling me into a full sense of security so you can ruin my life even mor- wait. you want me to join your crew??? co-captain???? what happened to you??
listen, i know it’s the middle of the night and i know i look completely untrustworthy (what with my ripped clothes and bleeding arm) but i’m being hunted by a pack of pirates, please, please, PLEASE LET ME HIDE IN YOUR HOUSE
(additionally) so i now am hiding a fugitive from a pack of angry pirates, honestly this is the craziest thing i’ve ever done but actually listening to your stories from your pirate life is the most fascinating thing i’ve ever heard
can you stop quoting jack sparrow for one second, pLEASE
you’re desperate to join my crew. whenever me and my crew arrive on the dock of your small town you’re always the first there, and always bugging me to try and prove you’re pirate worthy. honestly, you act like a little kid this is adorable.
(additionally) “if you had told us BEFORE you joined my crew that you got sea-sick, that would have helped a lo- I JUST STEPPED IN IT WHAT THE FU-”
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