Jay

journal entries, sketches, and thoughts that wouldn’t stay quiet

[bones-beats]

what i learned from school

1. im a fucking piece of shit

2. everybody else is also a fucking piece of shit

3. mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

[bones-beats]

i still don’t know why you insist they’re brown.

you’ll look at me like it’s obvious.

“they’re brown.”

and every time i laugh.

because no they aren’t.

brown doesn’t catch the light like that.

brown doesn’t turn green when the sun decides to stay a little longer.

brown doesn’t make me look twice.

and then a third time,

just to make sure i didn’t imagine it.

they’re hazel.

they’re green.

they’re something in between.

they’re impossible to explain,

which is probably why i keep trying.

it’s become our thing.

“they’re brown.”

“they’re literally not.”

back and forth.

the same conversation.

the same smiles.

like neither of us actually wants to win.

maybe you really see brown.

or maybe you’ve never looked at your own eyes

the way i’ve looked at them.

i wonder what else you’ve gotten used to.

what else you’ve stopped noticing

because it’s always belonged to you.

i wish you could borrow my eyes for a minute.

just long enough to see

how the green sneaks in around the edges.

how the hazel catches every bit of light.

how they’re never the same colour twice.

you’d stop arguing.

or maybe you wouldn’t.

maybe you’d smile,

shrug your shoulders,

and tell me they’re brown anyway.

and i’d roll my eyes,

tell you you’re wrong,

and secretly hope

we never stop having this conversation.

[bones-beats]

people used to say

"we learn from mistake" i couldnt agree more but when it comes to me i learn from getting laughed at. i learn from getting blamed at. if you arent perfect

if you made a simple mistake u will get shamed.

i thought we are all humans humans make mistakes but my life is just different

the life of not being able to make a mistake in order to not get judged by others, for your dumbness.

thats what i hate the most.

[bones-beats]

There is a limit for things going downhill inside your head. When that line crosses, some people give up and end up with the stars, some people fight the battle, find help and win, and some people cry and complain about it. But when it keeps going out of hand you stop complaining, you're not crying but there are tears in your eyes and a smile on your face because you learn how to except it, you wanna scream but you can't and you learn to bear it and keep it inside because life is unfair. You are constantly getting tortured by your thoughts and you can't escape it. And when that phase is over then there is this pain where you realize you've lost yourself completely sinking as you stare awake at the ceiling at 2 am not being able the fall asleep, your don't cry and your lungs are so used to keeping silence you can't even scream if you want to. You don't even care, and now just there is this un-bearable pain inside. The voices inside your head tells you all these things and you can't do anything but blame yourself; i know it's not your fault.

[bones-beats]

if i were to disappear

if i were to disappear, nobody would notice. maybe like 2 people would but nobody else. but that's the thing. everybody would act as if they did. people are weird like that, they don't care about you until something happens. they will say "oh i loved her" but never spoke to me. people will grieve what they didn't know, and what they never gave time to learn. but would they even grieve my loss? would i just be forgotten in history along with many others before me? if i were to disappear, would people attended my funeral, would they care enough to see me in my last moments before i become one with the earth. or will they "forget the date"? i'll never find out the answer to my wonders. unless i fake it. the thought of faking my own death and running away to start a new life is a thought i will forever have. an idea that will sit in the back of my mind as a last resort. if it ever comes down to that, just know i'll never forget the life i had lived with you.

[bones-beats]

Smile

They told me to smile

Doesn't matter if it's fake

Told me to hide my pain

Put on a happy face

Well 1 did what they said

And I hid it well

Until the day came When my smile fell

[bones-beats]

I wonder what it was like, to be chosen.

I was never chosen.

I was a maybe, a probably sometimes even a definitely but never the one.

Never the chosen one.

"Am i really not enough ?" is a question i ask myself everyday.

“But you are”.

So why am i never chosen?

I'm looked at, but never seen Spoked to, but never heard

In what ways do i tell you that I'm the easiest person to be given up.

Maybe I'll always be half empty. What if I'll always be half empty? Will i always be half empty?

When does one become half full?

So many versions of me yet not one is free.

I feel so heavy inside and yet so empty.

[bones-beats]

I have been through a lot. I have been through things that even my best friends don't know about. I have been through things that I haven't told anyone about. Because of the things l've been through I have an extremely hard time trusting people yeah people think that they've been through a lot too but for me it's to the point where i question every little thing that someone says, and overthink everything to the max. I know this is bad. I'm working on it. I'm trying my best. I die little by little everyday inside overthinking and I can't find ways to stop it. I spoil my Own mood thinking and hurting myself. Sometimes I suppose I'm happy. When I'm with friends laughing and having fun but but at night that happiness turns into something that I can't explain I just cry my eyes out and I lay in bed thinking all the things I wish I could say and do but can't. I hate myself so much I just wish I was perfect and could please anybody. I am afraid of being left and I'm afraid of not being good enough. I always expect the worst cauz I always get the worst and that's how things work right? I just wanna feel special for once. I want to feel like I'm wanted for once. I'm stubborn and constantly broken about the littlest things.

[puppiegracie]

do you ever stop feeling fucked in the head or is it just like. a forever thing

[bones-beats]

too much going on in this head of mine

[bones-beats]

billie eilish inspired 🖤

[bones-beats]

things i’ve been lying about, even to myself

[bones-beats]

I just need a rlly long hug thh.

[bones-beats]

when the therapist doesn't laugh at my jokes and starts taking notes

(he's stealing the joke)

[bones-beats]

I'll make the sky pretty for you...

[bones-beats]

no beef but you were the reason i didn't wanna go to school

[bones-beats]

Jokes over I don't want to be here anymore.