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21 Grounding Affirmations for Moments When You Doubt Yourself

People who have experienced interpersonal violence are incredibly strong. But being strong and feeling strong are two different things — and we can’t feel strong all the time.

One way that abusers gain power is by sowing seeds of doubt. They make you question your beliefs, your decisions, your own thoughts. It’s really hard to move past that, even after leaving. Survivors often experience side effects of abuse — like hypervigilance, anxiety, self-doubt, and more — long after they’ve left an abusive relationship.

When those symptoms flare up, it can be helpful to have some grounding techniques on hand to help soothe your mind. One technique that can be helpful for survivors of partner abuse (and other types of trauma, too) is reciting affirmations. I recommend trying to write some of your own, but here are 21 to get you started.

21 Affirmations for Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence

1. I’m worthy of love just as I am.

2. My flaws don’t make me unloveable or deserving of violence.

3. It wasn’t in my head; they just made it seem that way.

4. I made the right decision.

5. My home should be a haven of peace, warmth, and safety.

6. I am a whole person. I complete myself.

7. I am able to make decisions on my own.

8. This is my body, and I’m going to take care of it the best I can.

9. When I’m struggling with feelings of distrust, I will give myself space to process them.

10. Making life changes is difficult. It won’t always feel easy, but I can do this.

11. My intuition is a helpful guide.

12. I am healing slowly but surely.

13. I know that recovery is neither linear nor time-bound. I go at my own pace.

14. I accept myself as I am.

15. I won’t always be perfect, because perfection isn’t real. But I will be doing the best that I can.

16. When I can’t do my best, I will give myself grace.

17. I deserve to set and maintain boundaries.

18. I don’t have to forgive or forget. That doesn’t make me a bad person.

19. When times are difficult, I know I have people I can turn to for support.

20. I didn’t do anything to cause this. The blame for abuse lies with my abuser, not with me.

21. I am not defined by what has happened to me. I’m in control of my own story.

#SAAM #for survivors #survivor #survivor support #survivor solidarity #affirmations #mindfulness #mental health #spoonie

In My DMs: “I just went down on my girlfriend for the first time, and now I feel self-conscious. Help!”

I’m a woman 20, in a relationship with a woman, 23, and I’ve just performed oral for the first time. I’m feeling insecure about how I did/doing it again, and whether or not I’ll be able to pleasure her. I know that may not be reasonable but it is stressing me a bit. I also know she’s more experienced so that’s why she was “better” at it. I think I’m mostly looking for advice? I really want to be able to do for her what she does for me and I’m sort of embarrassed at my lack of experience/confidence/abilities. (Which those feelings are not caused by her!) Thank you so much!

Hey there!

You just did a new thing for the first time! That can be super scary, intimidating, and exciting, all at once! Go you!

For real — doing something for the first time is almost always nerve-wracking. When that thing is a sex thing, our internal judgment gets higher and higher and higher. When it comes to sex, we don’t give ourselves space to learn, experiment, or play.

Side note to readers: I’ll mostly be using “she” pronouns throughout this article, because that’s how this reader referred to their partner. But, people of any gender can be eaten out! Some people may use other terminology, like “getting head” or even just “cunnilingus.” In writing this article, I mostly stuck with “going down on” or just plain “oral sex.” Regardless, I wrote this article with vulovaginal anatomy in mind, so these tips can apply to all people with vaginas. Some of them even apply to oral sex more broadly. Okay, back to the show.

That’s because in the US, we’re highly focused on performance — academic performance, professional performance, social performance, and yes, sexual performance. When it comes to sex, we assume that we have to get everything right the first time because that’s what media and society have told us. That pressure only increases as we get older because of a false assumption that we become more sexually skilled as we age.

Take it easy on yourself. This was your first time doing this — of course it wasn’t quite how you thought it would be. How could it? Good sex doesn’t just spontaneously happen.

Do you know how I define being “good” at sex?

Active communication with your partners

Willingness to hear and accept a “no”

Engaging in sex as play/bonding time

Reducing our first impression judgments

Seeking pleasure, not orgasms

Accepting that awkward things happen

On that note, you mentioned that you feel insecure about how you did. Did you and your partner talk through it during or after? Do you trust her to be honest with you about what felt good and what didn’t? Do you feel ready to hear that some things may not have felt great?

When you’re doing something for the first time ever, trying something with a new partner, or just switching up your normal routine, I encourage active communication. That might mean that before you get started, you tell your partner, “Hey, I want you to tell me exactly what feels good for you. I want you to guide my head if you want me to focus on a different place.”

You aren’t psychic. Neither you nor your partner should expect you to know the types of things that she is going to like without her telling you. It takes both of you working together to make amazing sex happen!

It also sounds like you might be dealing with a bit of sexual perfectionism. If you struggle with perfectionism in other parts of your life, it makes sense that you would struggle with it here, too. There are two remedies for sexual perfectionism — communication (re-read those earlier paragraphs!) and a mindset shift. The mindset shift is about moving from “sex is a performance” to “sex is interactive” or “sex is a conversation.”

Conversational sex means that you’re considering what you are asking for, what the other person is trying to communicate, and how you are interacting together. Great sex feels the way like a really great, engaging conversation — like you’ve truly been heard by another person and that you learned something new about them.

The tl;dr of this whole section is this: Talk about it. Tell her about the anxiety you’re feeling. Ask her to communicate openly with you. Let her know that she isn’t necessarily doing anything to cause those feelings.

Read on for some basic tips that you can keep on the tip of your tongue for next time.

#lgbtq #queer #queer love #in my DMs #sex education #sex ed

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Get the lowdown on virginity>>

boneslikeporcelain

Yay for already being much less swollen!

Done by Scott Olive at Oddity Tattoo in Sarasota, FL

boneslikeporcelain

I added more Sailor Moon tattoos to my body! I’m much more visibly a nerd now!

I came back to tumblr after literally two years and my feed is still very good and aesthetically, I have changed very little

#hello world

faxmachineart

Today (March 31) is International Transgender Day of Visibility, and I’m sending love to all trans folks today, and always.

#tdov #tdov2018 #trans day of visibility #human rights

fuckyeahsexeducation

I gave a man an abortion. At a recent session at the health clinic where I provide abortions once a month, I was reminded by the staff to use the pronoun...

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Beautiful fine line black and grey from our guest artist this week, Rex Holloway! Thanks for visiting!

wonderlandtattoospdx

Blackwork peony and wing, by Sean Wright

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Daaaaaang, Sean!

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Jupiter’s moon, Callisto.

something-in-the-way-she-knows

is no one going to explain what all the lights are

wardens-oath

they’re impact craters! callisto is one of the most heavily cratered object in the solar system, and as far as my very basic research has just gone, the light parts are essentially iced over impact craters

so, essentially, we’re looking at something with a very frosty/icy surface. they’re bright because they reflect the sun!

upworthy

Ultimately, your finish line may look a little different from those around you, and that’s totally fine. It’s your life to live. Make it a good one.

you know you sext too much when your partner sends you a text and “chilling” gets autocorrected to “cumming” and

WHY

#sex//

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fuckyeahsexeducation

I gave a man an abortion. At a recent session at the health clinic where I provide abortions once a month, I was reminded by the staff to use the pronoun...