Cat !!

MAJOR ED TRIGGER WARNING !! please recover if you can. this is jus a personal blog for me

[boney-cat]

hi hello !!!

im cat and i use she/her !! this is my little corner of shame !!! i was born in 06 (so over 18) and i think im about 5’5 but im gonna be frfr im not rlly sure i haven’t measured myself in a rlly long while

stats: *on hold*

sw: 63kg

cw: 56,4kg

gw: 55kg

ugw: 0kg (/hj)

!! DNI IF YOU ARE FATPHOBIC OR A CREEP !!

!! WORDS COULDNT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I HATE U IF U ARE FATPHOBIC OR A CREEP !!

!! ALSO as a heads up, don't ask me for tips, I'm not going to help with fucking up your health !!

[spookystrawberrystarlet]

this guilt for purging/relapsing is making me feel sick to my stomach and neither pills nor alcohol are making it go away

[boney-cat]

I FUCKINF HATE THIS DISORDER I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I FUCKINF HATE THIS

I literally have no one to talk to, like I have friends but I can't talk to them about this stuff but I am falling into such a heavy relapse and I want to kms I feel like I am in active crisis but I have literally no idea what to do

I have absolutely 0 aspirations to fix it either like I keep thinking about downing a bunch of pills but for some reason I am scared but also I literally have nothing going for me

I was doing so well too

I am so exhausted I must be exhaustinf to be around I genuinely don't know how to exist. I'm literally nothing but a waste

[boney-cat]

Lord why must there be 200cals in 100g of salmon

Lord do you not wish for my happiness

[boney-cat]

Having your own room is actually such a blessing omfg

No cos I remember when my family lived in a glorified shoebox and whenever I would go a day without eating it would be so obvious but now (and for the past few years) when I have my own room

I literally just take the food and hide it under my bed until I get a chance to throw it away and it's amazing

[boney-cat]

It's a new day and I'm supposed to eat but I'm genuinely so anxious and uncomfortable abt it

Like I made myself a sandwich, brought it to my room (cos I can't eat in the kitchen) and just ,, stared at it until I threw it away

I feel so guilty cos I hate wasting food but I know I would've felt worse if I ate it so I'm having a sort of moral dilemma

Any ED-tag-lurkers, listen to me I'm looking at you and you specifically and I know you exist cos I was one of you when I was 9-15

If you can, turn back rn. I know my words are falling on deaf ears but as a 17 year old girl rn having dealt w this shit since I was 9,,,

This is actual genuine hell and you will regret this when you're older and/or wiser

[boney-cat]

Did anyone else as a kid hear about, how you shouldn't put your phone in your butt pocket or have it near your chest cos "it'll make your butt smaller" or "oh it'll make your breasts smaller cos radiation" or some shit like that

And then you made a natural conclusion and slept with your phone on your stomach every night, hoping it's doing SOMETHING

[boney-cat]

Didn't eat anything today

I was going to, I was planning on just a 24hr fast and then maybe eating some banana and grapes buuuut

Then I fell asleep .. and now it's way past 24hrs and my parents have been just sitting in the kitchen so I can't do anything in there and I'm just

I don't even know if I'm mad or not cos like on one hand now I feel like I def need to up the cals tomorrow to avoid all the bad stuff and I really don't want to do that but then on the other hand .......

Hehehehehhe I haven't eaten

[boney-cat]

Ouuugh only ate 253 cals today life is good I'm feeling good (not really but that's besides the point)

And before I ate I did a successful 24hr fast (would've gone longer but I'm trying not to set myself up for a binge episode)

[boney-cat]

Life is playing an absolutely revolting joke on me and I am genuinely finding it hilarious

Tell me why today of all days, when I am once again relapsing, I go onto Duolingo to practice Russian (for school) and all the sentences are about not eating

Guys it made me type out "I do not eat soup" in Russian now if that ain't a sign I don't know what is

[inkcals]

fuck this ed *binges*

ugh im so fat *starves*

fuck this ed *binges*

ugh im so fat *starves*

fuck this ed *binges*

ugh im so fat *starves*

fuck this ed *binges*

ugh im so fat *starves*

fuck this ed *binges*

ugh im so fat *starves*

fuck this ed *binges*

ugh im so fat *starves*

[boney-cat]

AMEN !!!!!

[boney-cat]

I'm tired I'm so tired I feel sick and tired and I don't even know what to do

No matter what I feel uncomfortable and restless and I'm just tired

I don't want to relapse I want to heal but things are starting to feel so eugh again

And on top of everything eating food is making me feel disgusting again I hate the aftertastes and feeling full and even just the general knowledge that I ate something. Maybe it doesn't in the moment or even immediately after but for example I had some pasta in the afternoon and now at 3am I wish I could throw it up. I know I can't for so many reasons but just the knowing I ate that is making me feel so uncomfortable and when I think about it I can taste the aftertaste all over again and just

I'm tired

[boney-cat]

Whenever I'm struggling and my friend tells me that I am not worthless and I'm important and such and such and just

I am important and I recognize that I'm not worthless. I value myself a lot but it's also just

It's not that I'm struggling with finding worth, I'm struggling with caring about that worth

[boney-cat]

A very rare diary entry incoming oh no

No but I genuinely feel so shitty cos like. I feel like I've been doing better in general but then I catch these moments of just .. wondering abt the calories and thinking about how I shouldn't be eating this or that because "what if this pushes me over my cal limit" when I'm not even limiting my cals. And then when I'm with this one friend and we go shopping for food or snacks he tells me to get something or offers to get me something and just augh

Specifically today after I came from the cinema w two of my friends. He was offering to get me a snack and I kept telling him I don't want anything and my other friend semi whispered to me like "hey if you don't want it you can give it to me" but they weren't very quiet when saying that so he was just like "you're not giving it to them to eat it for you" and just

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I feel genuinely so bad abt it. Like just let me .... Let me starve .......... Let me be ........

[boney-cat]

Thinking more abt this and just .... Realized and started to wonder why they offered to eat it for me. Like if I was my friend and her best friend offered her food and I KNEW she had an eating disorder. Idk man I wouldn't touch the food w even a 10 ft pole like girlie that is all yours. I ain't even taking a crumb, I don't care if she is refusing

But they know I struggle with an eating disorder. And I was offered food and I refused and they offered to eat it for me

Hmmmmm

(my ED brain is perceiving this as something completely else) (like I know they meant no harm) (but because I can't think of why else, I'm uhhhhh) (I'm being silly)

[boney-cat]

A very rare diary entry incoming oh no

No but I genuinely feel so shitty cos like. I feel like I've been doing better in general but then I catch these moments of just .. wondering abt the calories and thinking about how I shouldn't be eating this or that because "what if this pushes me over my cal limit" when I'm not even limiting my cals. And then when I'm with this one friend and we go shopping for food or snacks he tells me to get something or offers to get me something and just augh

Specifically today after I came from the cinema w two of my friends. He was offering to get me a snack and I kept telling him I don't want anything and my other friend semi whispered to me like "hey if you don't want it you can give it to me" but they weren't very quiet when saying that so he was just like "you're not giving it to them to eat it for you" and just

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I feel genuinely so bad abt it. Like just let me .... Let me starve ....... Let me be ........

[boney-cat]

Is cat back on her bullshit or is this just a fleeting moment of disordered eating

Only time shall tell

[boney-cat]

guys guys i am here to pass my wisdom

if anyone ever asks you if you’ve eaten and you havent

simply plead the 5th

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