Hi, folks! I'm not as active at the moment, but I definitely pop in from time to time to say hi, answer asks, share drabbles and thoughts, and eventually come back to fic writing. Hoping you all are well, and wishing you all the best, always. Thanks for making this space so fun and cherished that I keep coming back!
So, I'm up late and revisiting my fics for some smiles. I just read a bit of The Road to You.
Yoongi’s chapter, specifically.
In that fic, the protagonist gets lots of nicknames from each of the boys. Yoongi calls the protagonist "Missy", and it’s central to the establishment of their dynamic together.
When I got to that scene in my re-visit, I remembered a moment from one of my early dates with my SO.
We had just started dating, and I was over at his place. We were joking around, and I was getting a bit sassy. In response, my SO called me "Missy". I went all wide-eyed and slack-jawed, and at first, he thought I was reacting to his audacity. But I was reacting to how vividly The Road to You Yoongi and that specific quirk came to mind, because my SO had said it the way I envisioned Yoongi saying it, which is made even more remarkable knowing that I met my SO years after writing that fic.
I know I've talked about this before, but I can't help the urge to jot this down for some reason. There have since been so many moments like that, where he has done something that I wrote in a fic. They're not necessarily big or super unique things on their own — like, I am sure any one of us have been called "Missy" or something with a similar tone at some point. Even so, I wrote that little quirk with intention. It felt like it fit the characterization and scene, and I became really fond of it.
So, now, I am finding myself seeing my fics unfold in new ways, through my SO. Ways that allow me to understand myself a little more. Ways that show me why I might have thought to write these little moments in the first place. As if I was collecting these little imaginations to better understand what I hoped to experience in my own romantic connections.
It makes me think of Sylvia Plath’s poem, Mad Girl’s Love Song, but if it had the opposite meaning. I write for a lot of reasons. But when I was writing romantic relationships, I too thought I was simply making things up inside my head. And then I met my SO. Instead of feeling Plath’s despair at a love that is imagined, I'm feeling joy at a love that is realized.
I hope you're doing well. I really love your writings especially matchmaker and the cul-de-sac cons. I'd love to know what you think about the avoidant attachment style, and who of the characters you wrote about has it.
It's my attachment style and I've been talking with my therapist about emotions and how I find it difficult to understand them or understand people overall. Tbh, I feel alone because of that, maybe some of your characters will give me comfort if they're the same as me.
Thank you ❤️
Hi wonderful anon!! I have to apologize deeply for this late reply. I saw it come up in the moment, but I sat on for a while because I wanted to make sure I had the time and space to flesh out my ideas. Given the holidays and the end of the year, I have some time to catch up on some of y'all's awesome asks, and I'm so excited to expand on this one!
Some background context: I got an MA in Clinical Counseling but never practiced. I went the experimental psychology PhD route instead. Therefore, whatever I share should NOT be used as any kind of diagnostic tool or feedback. However, as a writer with that background knowledge, I do find case conceptualizations to be a super helpful tool for character development for creative purposes only. Click here to read more about how I utilize case conceptualizations and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy principles in my writing!
If you're interested in my thoughts on avoidant attachment, keep reading after the jump!
Thanks again for reading Matchmaker and The Cul-de-Sac Cons, and hope my response does your question justice!
Alrighty, let's dig in!
Avoidant Attachment
Attachment theory is a branch of psychology that observes how humans process emotions and form bonds with others.
Based on this theory, we all learn how to form attachments to others early in our development. When we are children, we pick up cues from those around us, and certain behaviors are rewarded and punished. We often give those cues unconsciously, and we learn unconsciously as well. This is why it can be hard for us to describe our behaviors or feelings later in life. Becoming self-aware, whether through reflection or guided therapy, can help us learn different ways to understand ourselves and find meaning to those unconsciously developed patterns.
Verywell has a great article and visualization of the stages of attachment according to typical early childhood development:
When folks develop balanced attachments with others -- ones that reinforce healthy emotionality, psychological safety, and appropriate boundaries -- we form secure attachments.
However, there can also be instances in which folks develop insecure attachments.
Different factors can influence the development of insecure attachment. Children may naturally not form attachments or preferences. Loved ones may not reinforce those attachments. Loved ones may also over-reinforce attachments. Depending on those factors, we can form different types of attachment, and attachment theory lists out 3: ambivalent (or anxious/anxious-ambivalent/preoccupied) attachment, disorganized (or fearful-avoidant) attachment, or avoidant attachment.
Avoidant attachment, also known as anxious-avoidant attachment or dismissed attachment, is a style of attachment in which emotionality was invalidated. Caregivers may have distanced themselves when children became emotionally heightened, regardless of if that emotion was positive or negative. Children in these experiences may have attempted to reach out to caregivers for support, or to share in celebration, but caregivers may have responded to that by backing away from showing any emotion at all. Caregivers may be abusive or neglectful, but they may also still be present -- just not emotionally available. As a result, a child in this environment may grow into an adult who acts like a "lone wolf" -- one who is completely self-reliant, and one who may still be able to navigate social situations deftly, but who does not express or welcome any kind of deep emotional response.
When it comes to romantic relationships, folks with avoidant attachment may not trust others or find solace or comfort in others. They maintain independence out of self-preservation. In essence, that person has learned that no one will provide them with security in times when they feel vulnerable, so they'd rather not form deep emotional connections with others to ensure their own psychological safety.
Check out The Attachment Project and Verywell for some great introductory info!
And check out Dr. Steph Anya for a great explanation and breakdown! I learned about Dr. Steph Anya after I somehow ended up binging Love is Blind and discovering Therapist Reacts-type videos. I also love Cinema Therapy, which essentially does case conceptualizations on a ton of different fictional characters!
A Note On Therapizing
Not to say you are doing this Anon, but I do want to note that when we use these labels, it's often when there is a long-showing pattern of behavior that is consistent across all kinds of environments.
I want to be extra careful when it comes to pseudo- or over-diagnosis. Again, anything I say or write or share should NOT be used as diagnostic criteria. And I share that because I really want to be ethical here. There is a difference in showing proclivities toward certain behaviors or patterns vs. having significantly severe symptoms that meet the actual diagnostic criteria for disorders as stated in clinical manuals like the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, currently in version 5-TR or "text revision", or the International Classification of Diseases, Tenth Revision, Clinical Modification (ICD-10-CM). Clinical professionals need more information, like how long your symptoms or behaviors have lasted, how repeated those patterns have been, and how big of a negative impact those behaviors have had on your life, i.e., have you lost a job or caused physical or psychological harm to yourself or others.
There is a growing trend of self-awareness when it comes to mental health and clinical counseling/clinical psychology. But there also seems to be a trend of folks using therapy language to diagnose all of their behaviors.
Etymology Nerd has a great discussion on this!
With that being said, I think that we can show certain tendencies, and I think that's a more appropriate way to use this clinical jargon in an ethical way. I'll focus on my fics here to answer Anon's awesome question, and feel free to reach out if you have more questions! I'm not as active at the moment, but I do try to answer questions from time to time!
Avoidant Attachment Tendencies in Matchmaker
When it comes to Matchmaker, I definitely think Yoongi displays elements of avoidant attachment.
First, he doesn't really show any strong emotions to anything. He and Y/N-slash-You create their bond based out of curiosity, experimentation, and physical/psychological need, but in all of their escapades, he never expresses how he feels about their bond, or about Y/N. He merely comments on what he physically enjoyed during their sex.
He doesn't express sadness whenever he seems to feel abandoned by Y/N. Instead, he just detaches and moves on to something else to occupy his mind and time. He finds another person to have sex with, or he voices frustration at Jungkook's presence, or he ends dinner abruptly and disappears into his room, but he never actually tells Y/N that he's hurt.
He doesn't express joy when he, Y/N, and Jin make breakthroughs in their work together. He makes sarcastic comments and jokes, and he seems to like the work that they do together, but he doesn't really take time to stop and reflect, or even say thanks to the team.
He can't even bring himself to share excitement about the spaces where emotionality is not only required but expected. Take his Cabernet Canvas class! Painting is meant to be an emotional exercise, one where artists are expressing their innermost thoughts and feelings. But, like with everything else, Yoongi keeps this hidden -- so much so that Y/N and Jin don't even believe that he's taking the class until he finally allows them to join him.
Contrast that with Y/N.
Y/N expresses tons of emotions! She definitely holds herself back, but that's to follow Yoongi's lead. That shows that she can read him and temper her own responses to meet him where he is at. She does the same with Jungkook; when he is acting way out of pocket, she calls him out on it, and she talks about how it's impacting her. In the beginning, she is cautious, but that's because she doesn't really know him, so it would make sense that she doesn't trust him outright. She actually lets him in quite early, allowing him to buy her dinner and listen to her vent about her frustration.
And, further, compare and contrast that with Jungkook.
When it comes to romantic relationships, Jungkook is definitely a bit of a player. But that's also because he's kind of following the boys' lead. He actually forms quite close relationships with the rest of the guys, despite having a caregiver who is closed-off.
Pay attention to who that caregiver is: his mother!
So I'd say that Jungkook seems to be detached from women in his life, but because he is able to express jealousy and frustration -- even when he doesn't necessarily know the words for them, or if that's what he's even feeling -- he doesn't really show avoidance.
Both Y/N and Jungkook want to be let in, while Yoongi preemptively cuts things off before they get too heavy. Yoongi comes closest with Y/N, and he's still got a lot of reflection and practice to do to build up that emotional capability.
Avoidant Attachment Tendencies in The Cul-de-Sac Cons
When it comes to The Cul-de-Sac Cons, I think that Y/N-slash-You-slash-Senna-slash-Sel (lol) shows avoidant attachment elements, but I'd say they're even weaker than the tendencies that Matchmaker!Yoongi evoked.
I did try to write her to be a little more "textbook". She has caregivers who are emotionally unavailable. The one person in her family whom she is closest to -- her cousin -- gets cut out of her life when she is young. As a result, she prefers to live life on her own terms, disappearing from her town and living in the shadows out of self-preservation. She isn't emotionally equipped to lose people like that again.
Once she meets Jungkook, she is immediately annoyed, lol. She dismisses him outright. It's only in a damn hostage scenario that she allows him to exist around her! And because they also go through quite a traumatic experience with each other, you could also say that that closeness is really more of some sort of trauma-bond. It was created in a crucible out of necessity. When that immediate threat to her life was finally gone, she considered cutting and running immediately.
However, she eventually did let Jungkook in, and they did have a substantial connection. She was able to form a close relationship to someone who arguably reminded her of her cousin -- someone who was willing to stick by her, who showed her positive reinforcement (especially when she was doing her job or playing her role well), and who saw past that tough exterior. So this is why she has that tendency. She was able to form the connection. The attachment issue isn't pervasive in all areas of her life.
And she's even able to fake it til she made it with Hobi. She felt fondness for him, even if he did start out as a mark. He actually shows her that she can be emotionally vulnerable, and that he is a safe space for her to express that vulnerability. It's a big reason why she embarks on that journey with him.
And this is why she's so torn throughout the rest of her journey. She has feelings. If she didn't, she wouldn't have mourned losses or left the red spatula. She never detaches completely. She loves, and expresses that love in so many ways, even if through lies and cover stories. She shows that she has the capacity. Perhaps she actually feels safer expressing those feelings after giving herself guardrails: "it's fake", "it's temporary", "it's for a job", "I have to do this to make it out of here alive".
Summary
So, what do I think?
Well, Attachment Theory is an incredibly useful framework to understand how we humans connect to one another. And it gives us a useful vocabulary to describe these patterns of behavior, and the emotional and life-altering outcomes that result from those patterns.
But I also think that humans are infinitely malleable. We are ever-learning creatures. We are not locked into these attachments. We might have to do some learning and growing, but with self-awareness, practice, and time, we can let people into our lives.
I know because I wrote these stories out of my deepest insecurities, and I now find myself in the healthiest attachments I've ever been in with family, friends, and a significant other.
It was helpful for me to use Attachment Theory to understand what I might have been experiencing, but I don't think my personal insecurities of fears of opening up to others stemmed from malformed attachments in my youth. I think my parents and caregivers are a little more emotionally reserved than I am, but they certainly weren't stoic, abusive, or neglectful. And I think my insecurities are just that -- basic, average, run-of-the-mill insecurities that we all have.
And sometimes, we get hurt when we are learning. We connect with folks who don't match our energy. How do we learn how to measure that? How do we learn how to show up for them? How do we learn how to disconnect if that's what we really need?
It's also good to remember that we are forming these attachments to each other in dynamic systems. The people I form attachments to are on their own journeys as well. Maybe they're learning how to regulate, or where to put their guardrails.
So, back to you, dear Anon.
Keep exploring! Keep learning! And keep heart!
I love and commend you for doing some self-exploration. Take stock of where your safe spaces are and practice being vulnerable. Practice being there for others when they feel vulnerable. You don't have to say or do anything you don't want to, and you don't have to say or do anything specific. Just be.
For others, like Anon has, if/when you feel ready, you can even reach out out to a therapist or clinician. They're like gym trainers, but for your heart and brain. Try different ones out until you find one who makes you feel comfortable, and just practice making those connections. The therapeutic space is a great place to enhance those muscles! And I just know you'll see how bringing what you learn into your personal world can make a world of difference.
We as humans have infinite capacity for love and change. If we stay true to ourselves, try our best to connect with others, lick our wounds when we get hurt, dust ourselves off, and try to connect with others still, we will find amazing friendships and partnerships. It might not be on your expected timeline. It might take ages. And our connections might be fleeting. But there's magic in all of them!
I mean, look! With you reaching out with this comment, you made one here! And I for one am very grateful for the magic you brought me, so thank you! ❤️
Wishing you all the best in your journey. Your future friends and loved ones are so lucky!
Omg hii it's so nice to see you on my dash!! Just wanted to say how absolutely wonderful you and your writing are and also SO sounds perfect I'm so happy for you!!!!! Hope you're having a wonderful day/night♡♡
Aw, thank you @closer-to-jungkook ! That's incredibly, incredibly kind! Hope you're having a wonderful day/night as well, and wishing you all the best!
i started reading wallflowers and had to come ask if uve been reading palahniuk anyways gonna go back to reading hehe
Ooooh love your observation!! Thanks for reading Wallflowers! Did something in particular stand out to you? I remember how much of a cult hero he became to much of my generation, so in that way, this is a huge, huge compliment, so thank you!!
Currently losing it over The Road to You!! I've read the first 2 chapters and I'm so hooked on this storyline. Jimin's storyline felt like closure, but Taehyung's storyline felt like a beginning.
Can't wait to see where the road takes us... 😎😎😎
Hi @happilystrongthroughthedark! Thank you for reading The Road to You! Hoping that you enjoyed the journey!
Aaahhh I was so late to this reply that the video isn't available anymore 😭 I'm so sorry! But I'm so happy that it made you think of Blackout! I miss Blackout Jungkook all the time. I thought of him during the solar eclipse this year!
Hey cheryl!! Sending lots of love . I was going through my day and suddenly remebered your story a map of mrs kim and felt all warm and fuzzy inside.. i hope u also get one of these reminders to stay fuzzy..💓💓
Awww, thanks anon! Eeeee! It thrills me to hear that AMOMK came up for you! The Kim family bubbles up for me out of nowhere from time to time. I'm hoping that you're feeling warm and fuzzy and staying cozy with your loved ones, what with the end of the year and the precipice of the new one!
Namjoon: Nice.
Jin: More like pretentious!
Namjoon: What?? We can't show appreciation for polysyllabic words anymore? Conversations have to be TikToks?! "Precipice" is a great word!
Taehyung: Actually, "precipice" has a pretty negative connotation.
Namjoon: (blinks)
Taehyung: It technically means nearly falling off a cliff, so it implies danger.
Namjoon: (whips out his phone to Google)
Jin: A-HA!!!
Taehyung: Writers really shouldn't use words without looking them up first, but I guess this goes to show you how you can turn a quick sense check into a funny plot twist.
Namjoon: (looking at the definition and seeing that Taehyung is right) Damn.
Taehyung: Also, some of the most viral TikToks can last hours. Remember Who TF Did I Marry? That was like 8 hours long.
Jin: BAHAHAHAHA HE'S RIGHT!!!!
Mrs. Kim: (suddenly popping in) DID SOMEBODY SAY "MARRY"??