Only a few hours ago I had to put my cat Clover to sleep. I took her into the vet after she wasn't able to stand thinking it was just her hyperthyroidism and she would be back to normal after some meds. Turns out her organs were failing. She was ready to go, fiesty even in her last moments. She was 16 years old so I thought I still had some time left since most cats I've known lived to 19
Clover has been with me over half my life. She was such a special cat, more than just a pet to me. When I was little I was terrified of the dark and would stay up all night reading with the lights on. I would then sleep during the day or whenever I ended up passing out. I struggled a lot with mental illness even as a kid. But then Clover came. I could finally sleep with the light off, knowing she was standing guard against anything that might want to hurt me. Yea she was a 1 lb kitten, but my dad told me that cats keep bad spirits away and her being there was enough for me. I guess it was also calming because if she was calm, that meant that there wasn't actually any danger.
In highschool, after I self harmed, she would sit by me as I cried and lick my scars. She kept me from killing myself. She was my whole world, everyone who knows me knows how obsessed I was with her (and her new brother Boo). Whenever I was away from her I was missing her and the first thing I did when getting home was look for her.
She had so much personality, of course since she was a tabby. She would act all aloof around other people but once we were alone in my room she would start loudly purring and licking my face. She would bat at my pencils while I did homework and always scrunched up her nose while she played. When we first introduced her to the family dogs they all lined up one by one to sniff her and when one would come up she would bop them on the nose, one after another. Just imagine this tiny tabby kitten bopping dogs 20x her size on the nose. She was the queen the moment she arrived.
We grew apart when I went to college since I wasn't home as much, and it's something I still feel guilty about. Ive since graduated and worked super hard to get my first apartment that allows pets. For the past few months shes been staying with me, my boyfriend, and her brother. She had been getting super stressed at home since the current dogs kept chasing her. At our apartment she was relaxed and strongly bonded with my boyfriend (I think she liked him more than me). These past few months have been amazing, her coat got softer and she was more energetic. She was so affectionate and spent her days watching us from her cat tree, looking out the window at the people walking by, sleeping on my recliner, and taking her job as bathroom supervisor very seriously.
I thought we would've had more time, at least a year. But this past week she started yowling and then rapidly declined until she could no longer stand. I keep kicking myself for not taking her in sooner, but we had already been under financial strain from taking her brother in for his own medical issues. She had hyperthyroidism and I was told the yowling was normal, and she stopped meowing so I thought that meant she was feeling better. But after visiting my parents we came home to her unable to even lift her head. I guess I was still in denial until the vet mentioned euthanasia, and after she started getting agitated and breathing hard we made the decision. I've never been there when a pet was put down before. I've seen dead animals of course, but never...the process. She was such a little fighter, she was telling us it was her time. She made the decision for me.
I can't sleep, I miss her so much. I keep looking at photos and wanting to be in them with her. I don't know what Im going to do. She was my everything. I wish I could've gone with her. But I have people who need me here. I hope she isn't scared or alone, wherever she is. It was all so sudden. Last week she was still her silly self. I keep thinking about all the things she won't be there for. I look at the cat tree and expect her to be there, watching me, but she's not. I don't want to go through the rest of my journey without her.
I might turn @booclover into a memorial page for her, keep her memory alive. I also want to get a tattoo of a four leaf clover on my shoulder, since she loved sitting on it (or being slung over it when she got bigger)
Ill never forget you, thank you for sharing your life with me
