Book of Sarcasm

I've been told sarcasm is unbecoming, but I was never becoming to begin with. Why start now?

[bookofsarcasm]

Creative Correspondence - Part III

Letters From Home- Summer Camp Edition

Part III

I was quite proud of this one. At this point I didn’t have any colored pencils, just a small set of fine line markers. I used watercolor pencils to color the white on this Polaroid camera. Hope it didn’t get wet in transit.

[bookofsarcasm]

I Need An Info Session

Remember in middle school when the girls attended an assembly presented by the school nurse and P.E. teacher to tell us about menstruation? I’m sure everyone had a different experience, but mine included watching a video, which I think was made by Kotex, and having a Q & A where no one raised their hand. Then we were sent away with small bags with Kotex samples, deodorant, a bracelet with the Kotex logo, and some pamphlets about our changing bodies.

Most of us already had an inkling about puberty, and the girls who had already started their periods acted bored and uninterested, while those of us still terrified at the idea of bleeding from our vagina each month, sat in rapt attention taking notes. While this may not have been the most educational, it was at least something. It’s definitely more than what I got to ferry me into the world of menopause (or potential menopause).

I think I might be in menopause, or in the pre or “peri” stage, as they call it. I cannot be sure. I haven’t had a uterus since 2014, so it’s not like I could use not menstruating as a gauge. Why isn’t there a class or a workshop about this stuff? Why don’t women have someone who goes door-to-door or sets up a meeting in a weird church basement and shows a video and lets us ask questions and then sends us on our way with a swag bag? Of course, this one would probably be sponsored by Johnson & Johnson, KY, Dyson Fans, and some company that makes hormone gummies. Also, Tito’s and Barefoot Winery.

Seriously though, not a lot of people talk about this. Even my doctor hasn’t broached the subject of my impending pause with me. Shouldn’t they tell us that when we hit our 40s?

I called to make a doctor’s appointment the other day and the receptionist asked me what I was being seen for.

I blurted out, “I have questions.”

She sighed and asked, “On what subject?”

I wasn’t sure how to phrase it, and replied, “About whether or not I’m just hot because it’s 93 degrees outside, or if my body is telling me it’s time.”

“Time for what?”, I could tell she was very irritated with me.

“Menopause?”, I think I may have whispered this. I am not sure why.

“Got it,” the nurse, now completely in the loop, scheduled me for the nearest appointment—four months away.

So I guess it’s not an emergency? It feels like an emergency. Is it an emergency? I wouldn’t know, I have never been invited to an assembly or Sunday brunch on the subject. Will someone get on that please, and send me an invite? Thanks!

[bookofsarcasm]

The Benefits of Living With Others

This morning, after I got out of a shower, I wanted to put some muscle rub on my back. The stuff I have is in a container similar to a twist-up deodorant- so you don’t have to get it on your hands. My husband had already left for work and there I was in the bathroom trying to figure out how to get this stuff on my back by myself.

There is a portion of my back I can reach with no problem. These are not the parts that hurt. The section of my back in need of relief sits in a spot just out of reach for me. No matter how I bent my arm and twisted my fingers, it was impossible for me to hold the muscle rub in a way that it would reach this spot. Normally, I would have my husband help me out, but without him here, how am I to manage? How do others, who live alone, manage tasks such as this?

In my head, I was concocting an elaborate setup that involved attaching the muscle rub stick to the wall, so I could stand against it and just move up and down and side to side in order to get the coverage I needed. I thought about wedging it in the back of the couch cushions, or going out to the studio and putting it a vice attached to the work table. Instead, I decided on suffering. I will just be sore until 5:30 when my husband gets home to help.

There are times when I see others who live alone and think how nice that would be—to not have anyone around and a home to yourself. Today, I am very happy that I live with someone who is willing to put muscle rub on my back and reach things on shelves so I don’t have to use a stepstool. There should be a service where you can go online to find someone to come by your house to help you with these things. Okay, probably not. That sounds pretty creepy now that I think it through. Perhaps there is such a thing—there are so many things out there that don’t fall into my everyday knowledge of the Internet and human behavior.

In the meantime, live aloners, know that I see you.

[bookofsarcasm]

People watching in a parking lot. There is a cacophony of sound- carts wheeling by, one with a very squeaky wheel, a dog barking, a car alarm going off, pop music playing from the store, people having conversations about their stupid roommates. It’s not how I prefer to people watch, but I’ll take it- and so will Ralph. #peoplewatching #tuesdayvibes #ralphiethemouth #safeinthecar https://www.instagram.com/p/COwVvWAn_6w/?igshid=ptxogmr4hd2j

[bookofsarcasm]

Hug a tree, push your hands into some soil, smell the leaves and the flowers and the wind. Take a moment to be grateful and then do your part to protect it. #earthday #loveyourmother #doyourpart https://www.instagram.com/p/CN-nUvDnBNN/?igshid=g2t3pqe5ge8q

[bookofsarcasm]

Sending some secret messages out into the world. I always use a seal, but the ribbon adds a nice touch. #snailmail #senditoldschool #supportusps #makeitamystery https://www.instagram.com/p/CNwVO0DnFn5/?igshid=1vauiftnea8dc

[bookofsarcasm]

Moved some miniatures to my bookshelf. They look good here. I think I might need more shelves soon. https://www.instagram.com/p/CNwU_DIHqDF/?igshid=14w01cdk7evyb

[bookofsarcasm]

Finished by bookshelf miniature of Venice. It was a bit touch and go and things are kind of wonky, but it’s done!!!! #minatures #diorama #bookshelfminiature #venice #tinyelectrician https://www.instagram.com/p/CNvMhuunU4G/?igshid=j7i7uzagkblb

[bookofsarcasm]

Breakfast pizza https://www.instagram.com/p/CNaCb0RHg7O/?igshid=n98qmaodurn3

[bookofsarcasm]

He really loves this moose. #ralphiethemouth #dogsofinstagram #favoritetoys https://www.instagram.com/p/CNOn_XzHx-A/?igshid=1izf1jwdv8dql

[bookofsarcasm]

Be what you’re like. Thanks for the reminder @tmbgofficial #tmbg #lyrics #belikeyourself #whistlinginthedark https://www.instagram.com/p/CNJnNi9HfzZ/?igshid=phqjqjx4m2cj

[bookofsarcasm]

New mug! #marastoneware #idonotneedmoremugs #ineedmoremugs #mugs #trees #treatyoself https://www.instagram.com/p/CMutdhHHQrr/?igshid=12mgamwhllsmq

[bookofsarcasm]

New additions to my plant family- a Ming Aralia and a Codiaeum (Petra Croton). Their names sound like planets. #houseplants #greenthumb #plantsmakemehappy #welcometothefamily #tropicalplants https://www.instagram.com/p/CMupzbcnFdf/?igshid=1wphpm4g4hsx8

[bookofsarcasm]

[bookofsarcasm]

I got to hang out with these beauties today at our Air BnB. #chickens #hens #chillinginthesun #giveagirlachicken https://www.instagram.com/p/CMk-jKHnJ6D/?igshid=1frskxhhsi16u

[bookofsarcasm]

Register now to join the free artist talk with Kori Newmarket. Today- 4:30 pm PST via Zoom. To register - finearts.wsu.edu. #artisttalk #finearts #washingtonstateuniversity #korinewkirk #getcultured https://www.instagram.com/p/CMkvqyYHGkR/?igshid=1h1m5ulr3rul6

[bookofsarcasm]

Ralph turned 10 today!!!! Tonight we celebrate with party balloons, a piñata full of rubber ducks, more than 10 new stuffed animals, and a soft dog food cake. It’s going to be fantabulous. #dogsifinstagram #dogparty #dogbirthdayparty #ralphthemouth https://www.instagram.com/p/CMhrQW_HigT/?igshid=10rsqtajvu12q