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Texts From Superheroes

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gothamknight06

Batman: This is Robin.

Robin: Hello.

(The Justice League stares.)

Flash: ...He's tiny.

Robin: I am average height for my age.

Green Lantern: Sorry, it's just—we expected... I don't know, taller?

Robin: Your expectations are irrelevant.

Flash: Oh.

Green Lantern: Oh, he's got Batman's personality.

Batman: Unfortunately.

Robin: Excuse me?

Superman: It's nice to meet you, Robin.

Robin: I am aware.

Superman: ...

Wonder Woman: You remind me of someone.

Green Lantern: How old are you?

Robin: Old enough to defeat you.

Green Lantern: That's... not what I asked.

Robin: It is, however, the correct answer.

Flash: I like him.

Batman: Don't encourage him.

Flash: Too late.

Flash: So what's your favorite part about being Robin?

Robin: Correcting Father.

Batman: Damian.

Robin: For example, yesterday Father said, "We'll only be gone an hour."

Flash: And?

Robin: We returned six hours later.

Batman: It was an estimate.

Robin: It was a lie.

Green Lantern: Oh my God.

Superman: He's keeping score?

Robin: There is a spreadsheet.

Batman: There is not.

Robin: There are three.

Robin: One is color-coded.

Flash: TIM MADE THOSE, DIDN'T HE?

Robin: Obviously.

Batman: We're moving on.

Aquaman: Wait, there are multiple Robins?

Robin: There have been.

Green Lantern: How many?

Batman: ...

Flash: Bats?

Batman: Enough.

Robin: Four, technically five.

Green Lantern: FIVE?

Robin: Grayson, Todd, Drake, Brown, and now myself.

Flash: Wait, there have been five Robins?

Robin: Correct.

Green Lantern: Spooky, you've just been collecting children.

Batman: That's not—

Superman: Bruce.

Batman: ...

Batman: It's more complicated than that.

Robin: It is not.

Batman: Damian-

Robin: Father encountered emotionally compromised children and reacted by giving them capes.

Wonder Woman: ...

Flash: That's... honestly the best description I've ever heard.

Green Lantern: I thought Robins were chosen through some impossible test.

Robin: They are.

Green Lantern: Really?

Robin: Father must look at you and think, "I can fix that."

Batman: That's enough.

Robin: Thus far, he has been incorrect.

Batman: ...

Batman: Next agenda item.

Flash: HE'S NOT DENYING IT.

Green Lantern: Batman's superpower is aggressive adoption.

Batman: Green Lantern.

Green Lantern: I'm just saying, most people see a traumatized kid and call a therapist.

Flash: Bruce sees one and goes, "Have you considered vigilantism?"

Batman: That is not how it happened.

Robin: It happened multiple times.

Robin: Six, if you count Signal.

Flash: SIX?!

Batman: We are ending this discussion.

Superman, smiling: Welcome to the League, Robin.

Robin: Thank you.

Superman: It's good to have you here.

Robin: Tt

(A brief silence.)

Flash: Aw.

Green Lantern: Did... did Batman just raise a polite child?

Batman: No.

Robin: Green Lantern, your ring constructs lack creativity, your combat stance is inefficient, and your haircut is deeply unfortunate.

(Another silence.)

Green Lantern: There he is.

Batman: There he is.

papayafromtv

one of those AU's where Tim doesn't want to be adopted into the Wayne family so he decides to be a little shit and convinces the Red Hood of Crime Alley to sign as his legal guardian to piss off Bruce, not knowing that by doing so he is technically being adopted into the Wayne family anyway because he doesn't initially know that the Red Hood is Jason Todd,

anyway one of those AU's except after convincing Hood to sign the papers the highs of teenage rebellion calm down and he's left watching Hood clean up the body of a guy he just dispatched and he's like.... 'shit Bruce might actually fire me as Robin for this.' and then panics about keeping it a secret from the bats to save his job.

To be clear, Hood is a good father figure, and he sure as hell isn't a deadbeat; he shows up. it's obvious that Tim now is under the care of a man who cares and puts in effort; Tim now has to skip training so he can make it back in time for 'family dinners', his teachers are praising that he doesn't seem so tired anymore (Hood does not play about getting a good nights rest) and clearly is getting help in the subjects he sometimes struggles with (english lit), not to mention Tim very quickly learns that it does not matter what dark crime shit Hood is knee deep in when Tim realises he needs something, Hood will pick up his call. it's honestly weird how good at being a dad this guy is. but again, Tim is genuinely in fear for his wellbeing when Bruce finds out he -out of nothing but spite- got himself adopted by the one man in the city that Batman is genuinely struggling to take down. Bruce will Not Be Chill about Tim's new guardian being a murderer, he knows that. so he just keeps skipping around Bruce's suggestion that they meet and refuses to tell him the guy's name (he doesn't fucking know it himself to be fair, which is weird considering he has the spare key to the guys apartment), under the premise of 'he doesn't want his new dad to have to deal with bat levels of paranoia and investigation, B, seriously, mind your own business, he's fine.'

and then of course Tim eventually figures out his new dad is the presumed dead Jason Todd and the whole 'we can't let Bruce know' thing becomes even more important because Tim very much does not want to be in the middle of that and also doesn't that make Bruce his grandfather because holy fuck please no-

the only person who knows is Damian, who visits Jason during family dinner, takes one look at the situation, turns to Tim, and says 'so does this make you my nephew then?'. Tim wants to kill him.

thing is that Bruce is starting to get more and more jealous about how much Tim seems to like his new 'dad', and how well he's doing under the guy's guardianship. this of course leads him to get suspicious and he starts trying to show up more in Tim's public civilian life just so he can get a glimpse of this new secretive 'guardian'.

the issue is that the entirety of Gotham loves Bruce Wayne and are aware that he's always been a 'family friend' of the Drakes for years. so of course they let the man do whatever he wants when he shows up saying he's there for Tim, especially when Tim claims that his new guardian 'doesn't like the idea of being in the limelight and therefor doesn't show up to public events'

the other issue is that Jason has gotten hardcore attached to Tim and is getting more and more bitter about the very obvious attempts from Bruce at stealing his new son, to the point where maybe people knowing Tim is being looked after by the Red Hood of Crime Alley doesn't sound like such a bad idea anymore...

anyway all of this is a very long-winded excuse for how we get to the point where Bruce gets himself admitted as one of the chaperones for Tim's school field trip, only to watch in horror as five minutes before they all leave the Red Hood shows up and proudly declares that as Tim's legal guardian he will also be attending, with the paperwork to prove it. he's been donating a shitton of money to the school for a while specifically for this reason, so the staff literally let him do whatever he wants. essentially Bruce ends up stuck on a school trip with the Red Hood, except he's in civilian form and can't do fuck all about it. worst part is Red Hood very clearly knows Bruce's identity, and is very clearly positively gleeful about the situation he has concocted.

the field trip is camping. Tim sits on the floor and buries his face in his hands for 2 hours straight while Hood and Brucie Wayne trade passive aggressive comments back and forth above him. because they're both chaperones, Bruce and Hood are asked to share a tent. in the evening they make smores and Bruce makes a snippy comment about how Hood won't be able to eat his through the helmet. Hood calmly smushes melted marshmallow into Bruce's hair. as a civilian, there is literally nothing he can do but stare across the fire at Tim in complete betrayal.

that evening Damian receives a text.

Tim: yeah you win you can be robin. cause theres no fucking way i'll be keeping my job after this. Tim: ur dad might have to shave his head btw. Damian: genuinely what the fuck is going on over there Tim: my dad could beat ur dad up any day. Damian: ??? not arguing but i thought you were camping. Tim: he brought an axe. Damian: fucks sake jason

crossstitchworld

One of my absolute favorite pieces! ❤️ by fernandaffp on reddit

papayafromtv

big BIG fan of hardened hero/vigilante types having regular but non-negotiable fears. especially when those hardened hero/vigilante types are the batfamily. because as much as those guys are seen as cryptids and unbeatable legends that somehow manage to beat every meta around them without breaking a sweat, they are just. a group of guys. and i think that’s very fucking funny and people should be reminded of that more often.

*the JLA holding a super important strategy meeting in the batcave*

Batman: -the main priority is to ensure the safety of the surrounding area even in the case of a fight, so we’ll have people stationed around the perimeter just in case. Hood, can you grab me the signal flares from the store room? you’re closest.

Red Hood, walking over: *grunts*

Batman: *continues to explain his plan as in the background Jason walks into the store room, pauses, and then promptly walks right back out*

Red Hood: *sweetly, from the doorway* Robin?

Robin: mm?

Red Hood: would you like to go into the store room for me? my darling, favourite brother-mine?

Robin:

Robin, eyes half-lidded: is there a spider in there?

Red Hood: maybe.

Robin, sighing in exasperation as he starts walking over: you really need to start trying to deal with these yourself, Hood. you can’t call me every time-

The Flash, watching Damian emerge with a small spider in the palm of his hand while Jason refuses to come out of the corner of the cave: doesn’t that guy chop peoples heads off sometimes…?

*Aquaman, on a mission with Nightwing and Batman, on a platform in the middle of the ocean*

Aquaman: if you have your rebreathers then you can follow me down, it’s not too deep a dive to the site.

Nightwing: *staring into the water* mhm.

Batman: *watching Nightwing in amusement*

Aquaman: …Nightwing, are you ok?

Nightwing, still staring: oh- hm? yep. yep, i’m good. i’m- yeah. lets go. lets do this.

Aquaman:

Batman: he has thalassophobia. he doesn’t like deep, empty waters.

Aquaman:

Nightwing: *staring down*

Batman: *faux shoves Dick forward, as if to push him in*

Nightwing, shrieking and jumping back: bRUCE- I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT-

Superman: the victim’s in that room, if you need to examine the body.

Red Robin: got it, thanks.

Red Hood: so what actually happened to the guy?

Superman, as Tim leaves: well, it seems like the virus infects the mind and causes intense delusions. we think he was driven crazy and ended his own life. it’s… not pretty in there. he stabbed himself in the eye with a pencil.

Red Hood: *whistles* *pauses* wait. in the eye?

Superman: yeah. why?

Red Hood:

Red Robin: *slams out of the other room, falls to his knees vomiting*

Superman:

Red Hood, watching Tim calmly: yeah he’s got this thing about things in peoples eyes?

Superman:

Superman: really?

Green Arrow: shit, that’s a nasty scratch you got there, Bats. right across the eye, too.

Batman: *grunt*

Green Arrow: who’d you fight to get it?

Batman: Robin.

Green Arrow:

Green Arrow: Damian did that?

Batman: hn.

Green Arrow: …why?

Batman: he had a cavity and i had to take him to the dentist.

Green Arrow:

Batman: he’s scared of the dentist.

Green Arrow: wasn’t he raised by the league of assassins?

Batman: he’s scared of the dentist.

Green Arrow:

papayafromtv

ten year old Tim Drake having a minor phase of liking archeology bcs of his parents so he starts digging shit up in his garden, but because he’s Tim Fucking Drake he does it too well and accidentally unearths one of the tunnels that connects to the fucking batcave.

ten year old Tim Drake who already knew who Batman and Robin were, finding out he now has a secret tunnel in his garden connecting his house to their lair, and he’s just like ‘fuck yeah that’s cool.’ and starts exploring.

thirteen year old Jason Todd bored and fucking around alone in the batcave system when he comes across a fucking ten year old who knows his identity, clearly idolises the hell out of him, and is just kinda wandering around the cave system alone and completely chill about it. they see a super dangerous spider and Tim just starts info-dumping on the species. when asked if he has a curfew to go back home by he goes ‘uh, July i guess? that’s when mom and dad get back.’ it is early February.

thirteen year old Jason Todd who takes a minute and then goes ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

Jason Todd and Tim Drake being secret cave buddies. Jason Todd and Tim Drake hanging out in the tunnels and making fun of Batman and Nightwing from the shadows. Tim Drake who has to buy a whole new set of night-vision camera lenses for his new photo album that’s just photos and selfies of him and his new best friend Robin fucking around in the underground pitch-dark.

Jason Todd who dies, gets revived, is told by Talia that Tim Drake has ‘replaced him’ unknowing they’re already friends, and Jason who all he can think of is that time they played hide and seek in the cave system and Tim clung to the fucking ceiling via a stalactite for 45 minutes straight. Jason Todd who just looks at Talia and goes ‘yeah sounds about right for him.’

Jason Todd being told he has to deliver Damian to Bruce and he decides ‘absolutely the fuck not’ to the idea of even touching the front door. they have a Ring camera he is not getting caught on that bullshit.

Jason Todd who just goes to Drake Manor and uses Tim’s old entrance to get into the tunnels, his home away from home, dragging Damian along, until he gets to a spot where he can secretly signal into the batcave for Tim to sneak the fuck away.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who gets called into the tunnels to find the Red Hood, unmasked as Jason, presenting to him a random child which he declares to be the son of Batman.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who comes full circle and says ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

the cave boys are reunited. a third is added to the club. a new photo album is filled. when Tim brings Damian up through the tunnels into the cave he looks Bruce dead in the eyes and says fully straight-faced ‘this is your cave son. i found him wandering, he was born from the shadows of the bat.’

eleven year old Damian Al Ghul-Wayne who’s spent the past three and a half years under Jason Todd’s influence and sombrely declares ‘the cave birthed me for you, father. i am darkness. i am your child.’

Bruce Wayne who genuinely is starting to lose it.

papayafromtv

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 68 (masterpost here)

Tim: i'll bet you anything i can shoot this elastic band into the roof of that convertible from here.

Dick: that's not even a challenge, you gotta do it from where Damian is across the street.

*connecting ping*

Jason: yo i see three people online, are we having a 4/4 main Gotham squad night?

Damian: yes, Father is off with the Justice League.

Jason: neat. i think i found a meta by the way, we might have to register him in the Batcave.

distant, angry male voice: I'M NOT A FUCKING META I'M A DAMN STAGE MAGICIAN.

Jason: hold on- shut up, i told you there was no way for you to know that was my card, so until you tell me how it happened in a logical manner, you are a meta and i will be keeping you tied up. -ok i'm back.

Distant male voice: i took an oath Red Hood, you cant keep fucking doing this! if it pisses you off that much then STOP COMING TO MY SHOWS.

Damian: aw man, again, Akhi? let him go.

Dick, amused and baffled: this has happened before?

Jason: 'm not letting him go, he's a meta.

Damian: he's not, though.

Tim: i seriously thought you were joking when you told me he had beef with a stage magician now.

Dick: you knew about this?

Tim: i- *sputter* i'd heard stories, i didn't think it was real.

Damian: hold on, i'm on my way over to you, Hood.

Jason: sick.

Damian: and I'm untying Clarance.

Jason: YOU CAN'T- HE'S A META.

Damian: I HAVE DNA TESTED HIM A THOUSAND TIMES NO HE IS NOT.

Distant male voice: how about- how about i do the trick again, Hood. so you can see it plainly.

*brief pause*

Jason: i'm not untying you, but sure.

*shuffling*

Distant male voice: -pick a card,

*cards flicking* *shuffling*

Distant male voice: put it back- this chain is way too tight, man. ok put it back, and you can shuffle the deck yourself.

*shuffling*

Jason: *annoyed grunt*

*silence*

Distant male voice: ...is this your card?

Jason: fuck you.

Dick, starting to laugh: H-Hood,

Jason: no- he's a fucking DANGER TO GOTHAM, SOMEBODY GET FUCKING MARTIAN MANHUNTER OR I SWEAR TO GOD,

Distant male voice: *forlorn* Hood this is the fourth time this month.

Jason: SILENCE FROM YOU.

Dick: *wheezes*

thesuperheroesnetwork

Texts From Superheroes

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izloveshorses

pre-netflix purchase gbbo seasons can be a sort of dead wife

nightwingsgypsyrep

Jason Todd: gets beaten and blown up after taking extreme measures to identify his birth parent out of three possible suspects he identified by going through his other parent’s stuff

Jason Todd: this isn’t like Mamma Mia…

incorrectbatfam

[texting]

Bruce: I'm inside a porta potty in Crime Alley. There's no toilet paper.

Clark: On my way.

Perry: Hello? This is Perry White, the editor-in-chief of The Daily Planet? Not sure how I got added to this but this seems quite intimate so I'm going to leave.

three-semicolons

This might be a super hot take, but DC needs to have Dick adopt some of his Talon traits at this point. Here’s why:

Dick’s two best male friends, Roy and Wally, both have older kids and are visibly aging. Other heroes who were about his age now appear visibly older than he is. Damian has visibly aged from a child to a teenager. Hell, in basically all comic issues where the two are together, Jason looks *as old*, if not *older*, than Dick. I think the reason the publisher is doing this is pretty obvious. It’s a combination of Dick being more popular and therefore not allowed to age (something we saw until only very recently with Bruce, and even then, the “I’m getting older” side plot is dropped and picked up again depending on the whimsy of the writer) and, sadly, the thing he’s most known for being that he’s the hottest character in DC. I know you don’t care, I certainly don’t care, but DC loves selling this specific point, and thus probably feels the need to keep him appearing the most conventionally attractive.

The point is that Dick is lagging behind. Not in terms of character development — in fact, his character has had some of the most consistent growth of anyone’s for years now. I mean physically. He still physically looks like how he was depicted in 1996. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, especially if it doesn’t stunt other aspects of his character, but it’s obvious and bizarre without explanation.

My pitch is: the electrum tooth he had for almost two decades before Bruce punched it out of him, which had been seeding electrum, had more of an effect than they realized, and has left him with some lingering traits. These could include delayed aging, beginning from right around the time the tooth was removed, partially accelerated healing (explains the number of lethal wounds he’s been able to bounce back from, the radiation from Chemo, the head shots, etc.), and what have you. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing. He doesn’t have to become super enhanced.

It’s just… reading comics that have him with people he’s had a history with, or people he can be directly compared to growth-wise, he *seems* younger. And there are editorial reasons that I described and that I understand and that I don’t mind. But like an in universe explanation is right there in the form of the tooth that had been in his mouth for decades, and please just take the W there.

(ahem ahem also the story potential of having the guy who has been very unsubtly trying to martyr himself for others suddenly realizing he will, in all likelihood, outlive them all instead. he is not allowed to die for them. he is sentenced to watch his loved ones die instead. ahem ahem.)