No, I Don’t Want to be Your Unicorn
If you’re a bisexual or pansexual woman on a dating site, and you’re open about your sexuality, you’re almost inevitably going to be flooded with messages from heterosexual couples asking if you’ll be their third partner for a threesome or an ongoing, non-committal sexual arrangement. Couples that do this are called “unicorn hunters” - because what they are looking for is about as rare as a unicorn - and they are the bane of bisexual and pansexual women everywhere. This is especially, especially true for women who mention that they are open to non-monogamy.
But when bisexual women complain about being unicorn-hunted, or attempt to discourage people from doing this, we are often met with bewilderment. Most of us have even encountered people who are downright offended that we don’t enjoy this practice. After all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with polyamory, sexual experimentation or casual sex between consenting adults. So why do bisexual women have a problem with unicorn hunting? Because:
It ruins dating apps for us. Unicorn hunters generally conduct their search by creating a dating profile for the woman in the couple, and putting her settings to “woman looking for woman”. Every bisexual or pansexual woman knows how frustrating it is to match with a cute girl on a dating app and get excited about the possibility of dating her, only to get the dreaded “Hi, we’re actually a couple looking for a third…” message. It happens over and over again. The dating pool for bisexual women who are seriously interested in dating other women is already shallow - having to weed through a sea of straight couples just makes it more frustrating than it needs to be.
It’s incredibly objectifying. Unicorn hunters usually talk about looking for a “third” the way they would talk about shopping for a pet - they’re looking for a “female” who is cute and will play with both of them. There’s generally little regard for who the bisexual woman is as a person, what she’s looking for, or whether she will get any kind of benefit out of this arrangement. The straight couple only care that she meets their extremely basic specifications, which often have the bisexual woman fulfilling the role of a living sex toy. Assuming that a bisexual woman might want to have sex with you and your partner because she likes women and men and you happen to be a woman and man is like insisting that the only two gay men you know should date each other - you are reducing a human being to their sexuality alone.
It plays into stereotypes. Bisexual women - especially polyamorous bisexual women - already have to contend with the stereotype that they are promiscuous, “easy”, sexually available and have high libidos. Being constantly chased after by people wanting casual threesomes does a lot to reinforce these damaging stereotypes. Bi/pan/poly women are just as likely as anyone else to be looking for a long-term love connection with someone they feel genuinely compatible with, and many of these women may want romantic relationships that are minimally or entirely non-sexual, or relationships that only become sexual after a very long period of getting to know one another. Getting constantly hit up for casual threesomes with straight couples can make bi women feel like no one will ever see them as a serious romantic option.
If we wanted this kind of arrangement, we would look for it. Every bisexual woman knows that this kind of arrangement is available. Every single one of us. If we were interested in pursuing this kind of arrangement, we would make it very clear. There are websites entirely dedicated to people who specifically want “unicorn” arrangements. Unicorn hunters, however, tend to disregard whatever bisexual women write on their profiles, and constantly approach bisexual women even if they’ve made it perfectly clear that they are looking for a long-term and serious romantic connection.
We’re not here to fix your relationship. Unicorn hunting is usually a straight couple’s very first attempt to experiment with non-monogamy, and they all tend to pursue it for similar reasons. There is usually some kind of issue in the relationship - boredom, restlessness, one partner’s libido not matching the other’s, unexplored bicuriosity, a desire to feel more ‘adventurous’ - and they think that having threesomes or “dating” a third partner as a couple will fix this. When a couple chooses unicorn hunting instead of swinging or opening the relationship, it’s generally a signal that there is some insecurity in the relationship; the couple might be too jealous to allow hookups if the other isn’t present, or the man might be too insecure to agree to any arrangement that involves his partner being with another man. Being the bisexual “unicorn” in these situations involves getting thrown headfirst into months or years of simmering issues that you won’t be aware of until everyone’s pants are already off, and then having a high-stakes sexual encounter with two people who care about the health of their own relationship much more than they care about you. Not great.
Long-term “unicorn” arrangements usually suck for us. “We’re looking to have a long-term girlfriend as a couple” is still unicorn hunting, and it still has all the same problems associated with casual threesome hunting, plus some extra ones. Being the “girlfriend” of a straight couple means being on the bottom rung of a relationship hierarchy - the “primary” couple’s relationship with each other will always take precedent over the bisexual woman’s relationship with either one of them. The couple may set very strict rules for themselves about when they are allowed to have sex with the "unicorn” and under what circumstances, but they will typically be free to have sex with each other whenever and however they want. Moreover, the first time that one of the couple have an issue with the "unicorn” - the first time someone feels jealous, or left out, or threatened, or they don’t think that the arrangement is appropriate after marriage/kids - the relationship with the "unicorn” will be terminated in order to save the original couple’s relationship. The unicorn’s feelings and desires will always come second. Polyamorous women are typically looking for situations where they are free to pursue as many love connections as they want, in a non-hierarchical arrangement; being locked into a relationship with just two people who consider their own bond to be the “primary” one is not an appealing option for the majority of bi/pan poly women.
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