Bone Apple Teeth

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“I just want to be with someone who doesn’t disappear when love gets tough.”

—

[borderline-and-boujee]

I was happy

I can’t believe I’m here where I’m at. A month ago, I was doing really well. I was super happy, I was killing it at my internship and at school, I felt I was keeping track of my mental health and I was in a relationship with a beautiful girl who said she loved me and would spoil me with extravagant gestures and tried to win over all my friends and then two weeks ago, she broke up with me at our holiday party because she said she wasn’t over her ex from a year ago and of course, because my ex/best friend made all of these comments about how we used to be in our previous relationship. She told my girlfriend how she thought “they were the same person” and that’s why I was dating her. She said that she was one of my two “types” and other shit that kept referring to our previous relationship together and it bothered my girlfriend.

So not only do I have two exes in my life, I don’t know how to deal with either one of them not loving me enough to not abandon me for guys. And it makes me feel bad about myself and that I need to fight for scraps of their attention. Even if I feel like shit afterwards. Does anyone really love me at all?

[borderline-and-boujee]

So I’m anxious and therefore did a journal prompt:

Write down the lyrics to a song that makes you happy. What is it about this song that makes you feel this way?

I’ll die way before Methusalah 

So i’ll fight sleep with ammonia 

And every morning with eyes all red 

I’ll miss them for the tears I shed 

I like, in this section, how it’s pretty fucked up. Like I love lyrics that are always super gloomy at its core but also like rhymes just so it seems peppier? And how it mentions one’s acknowledgement of their own mortality and the indifference of not being around for the end of the world. It’s pretty cool. It’s gory, the ammonia. And ruining your eyes lol 

But I’m actually good, can’t help it if we’re tilted

I am actually good, can’t help it if we-

I am actually good, can’t help it if we’re tilted 

Repeat 

It pretty much explains itself. Alot of times i’m made happy by this because in it’s own way its theraputic by me being able to sing about being good especially because my brain has a tendency to split and tell me i’m being bad and I can’t ever get out of the spiral of being bad regardless of the trigger. So this helps some to combat that, I think. Also, accepting that there’s nothing quite straight about me but I don’t need the whole angsty like “i’m not like other girls” shit. It means nothing to me but I am very aware of how i’m hardwired in a very specific way and with that, I find this relatable to me and helps me accept that very fact. 

I miss prosthesis and mended souls

Trample over beauty while singing their thoughts

I match them with my euphoria

When they said, "je suis plus folle que toi"

So I had to look up what was meant by this part so I guess this doesn’t necessarily help me feel that good but apparently she’s talking about drag queens and how they’re crazy fearless and how her experience with them was euphoric. I do like having experiences with people who you connect with that you find common ground with and the moment of “yes, this person loves and respects me and likes who I am and supports me” it is like a high. Probably because it doesn’t happen that often especially for me nowadays. It’s so easy to feel disconnected and uninspired when you’re a broke artist in LA but yeah. The audacity to declare that you’re crazier than someone, it can be healing for some folks. Make them feel seen. I know I do. 

Chorus 

Nous et la man on est de sortie

Pire qu'une simple moitié

On compte à demi-demi

Pile sur un des bas côtés

Comme des origamis

Le bras tendu paraît cassé

Tout n'est qu'épis et éclis

Ces enfants bizarres

Crachés dehors comme par hasard

Cachant l'effort dans le griffoir

Et une creepy song en étendard

Qui fait:

So in english, this is…. Us and the man are out there

Worse than just a half

We add UP to a half

Pile up on the edge

Like origami

The outstretched arm looks broken

Everything is just tilted and splinted

These weird kids

Spat out as if by chance

Hiding their effort in the scratching post

And a standard creepy song 

Goes like this:

 Again, this is something I had to look up because while i’m learning french, I only understood about 35% of this part but it’s so much fun to sing. Again, the echoing of like none of us are normal. It’s not as easy as one side or the other side of humanity. The weird kids try to hide alot of what makes them who they are and I like the acknowlegement of that here

 I’m doing my face with magic marker

I’m in my right place, don’t be a downer

Repeat 

 I LOVE THIS PART! Idk, I’m a sucker for the gory. It’s so crazy to think about applying magic marker to your face with no fucks given about what it looks like. Sometimes I write on my arm when i’m feeling very disconnected from my body and sometimes it helps to replace self-harm thoughts and behaviors but even so I try to get rid of it or hide it when i’m in public because of the implication but here it just feels nice to hear this part. I am where i belong, fuck you for trying to make me feel like shit for it. I’m not okay sometimes and whatever. Like what’s it to you!

[vikhau-deactivated20160119]

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

[borderline-and-boujee]

Biggest fear!

[swanmask]

Since I haven’t seen any mention of it yet, except on twitter, i’d also like to remind everyone that not only is June LGBT pride month, but it’s also Indigenous History month!

Please take the time to support, uplift and remember your Native, First Nations, Aboriginal and otherwise Indigenous friends and family. We are here, we exist! We have a long and winding history that deserves to be heard and respected! The word ‘Indigenous’ is so wonderful, and so expansive, and includes so many different cultures under its arms. Go out, learn about our histories and our cultures. Talk to the Indigenous people around you! We’re everywhere!

And not only that, but also be sure to give extra support to LGBT indigenous voices in this community. We are a minority that is scarcely acknowledged, and in desperate need of it. Too many times have I gotten strange looks for being so openly Native and so openly a lesbian. It’s as if that combination is impossible for people to understand. Support our content, buy from our stores! Or at least just include us!

I’d like to wish a happy LGBT pride month, and a happy Indigenous History month to everyone, but especially us LGBT Native folks. This really is our month to be open about ourselves, and I sure intend to. 💗🏳️‍🌈

[kellynsstuff]

New Horizons giving me the strength to make it through the next 9 months

[borderline-and-boujee]

I will never forgive him

One of the worst conflicts I’ve ever had to deal with currently is my best friend’s boyfriend. Ever since they started dating, our relationship has completely flipped and now I feel like I don’t know if our friendship is real anymore.

Now, I know I’m not a complete innocent party. I knew that she and I had a relationship that’s pretty common for queer people meaning getting close and hooking up. Unfortunately, where I was at the time, there was no way that I thought I could feasibly enter a relationship with her. I was in and out of one with my now super ex girlfriend and dealing with the abuse from it which I didn’t recognize at the time. I did alot of things to push her away and hurt her because I couldn’t fathom having such strong feelings for someone when I was supposed to be someone who I thought was my soulmate. She helped me regardless of getting out of that situation and although there opened up an opportunity to be together, I couldn’t get over being heartbroken and I didn’t want that to bleed into that kind of a move of a relationship. I gotta say that I still somewhat am unsure if this is a big regret for me. But we decided to move out to California and live together along with our friends and I invited him. Not knowing how much of a shot in the foot that would be.

I didn’t end up joining the lot right away, I was in New Jersey for 3 more months saving money and in that time, this guy, I’ll name him dipshit, and my best friend started dating. I’m not going to lie, I was immediately filled with dread and jealousy. They spent all their time together and suddenly anytime we spent time together, I felt like it was always timed until he got back. He often would only talk to her and they would isolate themselves in their room all the time. I have bad abandonment issues obviously so this was my worst nightmare come true.

There were many times I tried to reconcile my feelings on the matter and work on it to move forward but I could not shake the bad feelings. Probably because she changed. She stopped being interested in stuff we liked to do together, she suddenly hated talking loud, she couldn’t do milkshake talks, there were less things we could talk about because all she wanted to talk about was him. I tried to keep quiet about it but it was so obvious in how I acted around them. It came to a head several times over the past 3 years that they’ve been together and now there’s way more resentment than love between us.

But the worst things this dipshit has done has been:

-Insulting my father and making it a me problem a day after I got into a car accident

-obtaining a rabbit off the street and trying to sneak and keep it in our house after we agreed as a house that it shouldn’t stay there and then had my best friend lie for him saying it was gone when it wasn’t

-accusing me of having a hidden agenda of finding a way to be sleeping with his girlfriend which I have never done? We’ve already been together physically and even though I hate him, I would NEVER do that.

-Literally talking shit on my best friend’s sister, who is also one of my best friends, and saying how if he could take her away to live with him alone on a desert island, he would but he knows she would be miserable.

On and on. But he’s now moved out and to another state...for now. My anxiety has lifted so much and I feel like I could be more at peace in my own house without bullshit. But she misses him. And she can, it’s her boyfriend but I get the feeling that they’re planning to get engaged and take their relationship to the next level and if that happens, I literally wouldn’t have words. I would not be able to handle it. I would probably shut down. I try to prepare for it by distancing myself but there’s no amount of prep for potential pain. I wish that this could’ve gone differently, I feel like if they had started dating before hand or while we weren’t all living together, this wouldn’t have gotten as fucked up as it did but it happened. And I have no one to blame but me for being the catalyst to this bullshit situation.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I could handle this. It may kill me.

[simplysaphique]

closeted does not mean ashamed

[simplysaphique]

bringing this back because it’s pride month. please don’t feel bad about not being ‘out’ or not openly celebrating your sexuality or not attending the festivities. stay safe and comfortable! love you all. 🌈💘

[wellbutrinboy]

recognizing ur being manipulated into feeling guilt for something u shouldn’t feel guilty about but feeling guilty regardless

[slaybey]

Beyoncé and Solange at the 2nd weekend of Coachella.

[anxietyproblem]

I felt that

[riffatmatinpoetry]

“If my nightmare does come true, Fuck it. I’ll deal with it. I’ll make it through it. I’m capable of handling it. I’ve made it through situations that were supposed to destroy me before.”

— Affirmation of the day.

[dulcetsuggestions]

I want to get better. I want to smile and laugh and enjoy things I used to. I want to get better.

[amycupcakes]