DBT SKILLS: INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS Part 2/7: Intro to Assertiveness
What are the benefits and skills of learning how to be assertive?
Knowing what you want: learning how to identify what you want, your desires and your objectives
Being able to ask for what you want: learning how to put your needs into words that are clear, non-demanding, and how to ask for specific change
Negotiation: learning how to be open to compromise, ensuring that each person involved gets some of what they want and no one feels as though the other is being unreasonable or demanding
Acquiring information: learning how to find out what the other person needs, their fears and hopes for a situation or request, etc.
Saying no effectively: learning how to say no in a way that feels respectful and reasonable, and in a way that still validates the other persons desires while setting firm boundaries around what you will and wont do
Acting according to your values and boundaries: learning to set positive intentions and goals and acting accordingly to what you wish to achieve
How to figure out what you actually want
Step one: identify the relationship of concern: who are you currently having an issue with or needing something from?
Example: Sebastian realised that something felt off in his relationship with his mom
Step 2: identify what emotion(s) you are feeling towards the person and/or situation
Emotions are not inherently good or bad, rather there are emotions that are comfortable and pleasant to experience and emotions that are uncomfortable and painful to experience. When we are having an issue with someone, when we need or want something we aren't getting, etc, we are usually feeling an uncomfortable emotion. The list below may be able to help you identify what emotion(s) you are feeling
Anger / frustration / annoyed
Resentment / jealousy / envy
Anger or disgust with oneself
Example: Sebastian, after looking at the above list of emotions, realised that the emotion that seemed closest to what he was feeling was hurt, with a close seconds being resentment
Step 3: identify your objective/what you want or need
What does this emotion make you want to change about the current dynamic of the relationship? More specifically, what behaviour(s) of the other person would you like to see changed?
Do you want them to do more or less of something?
Do you want them to stop doing something all together?
Do you want them to start showing a new behaviour that could make a difference in how you feel?
Example: Sebastian could tell that his emotions were in some way related to his moms upcoming visit. His mom planned to come to town for ten days with her new spouse, and in that week and a half time period, she had only asked to schedule a single dinner with Sebastian. He realised that he felt hurt and resentful because he felt as though his mom didn't care about him or wanted to see him as often as he wanted to see her. He wished that his mom would reach out more often to plan times to see each other when she came to town
Step 4: Clarify what you want further
When, where, and how often do you want to see this change?
What exactly would this changed behaviour look like? In what way would this behaviour be expressed?
Example: Sebastian came to the conclusion that he would like to see this change the next time his mom comes to town. For every week that his mom is in town, Sebastian would like to be included in activities at least twice, whether that means having lunch or dinner together and visiting or going out to do something in town. This behaviour could come in the form of his mom calling him or sending a text or email to invite him to something, or a phone call discussing possible plans and ideas of things they could do together
Step 5: Put your thoughts, feelings, desires, and expectations into a few simple, clear sentences
Example: Sebastian simplified his desires into the following: “when my mom comes to town, I would like to see her more often and for her to reach out and include me in activities more often, at least twice for every week she is visiting. I would prefer that she call me, but I am also open to receiving invites or scheduling questions by text or email
How to ask for what you want – the skill of making a request is necessary to taking care of yourself
Step 1: offer a brief justification [OPTIONAL]
Offering a short and simple justification for your request can help the other person understand the impact of the request and what the impact of their help with said request might look like
Some examples of justification: “it’s really hot in here”, “these bags are really heavy for me”, “it’s a long way to walk”
Many situations do NOT need justification, and you shouldn't feel obligated to justify every single request you make; when you do offer a reason/justification, keep in short and simple
Step 2: softening statements
A softening statement can help establish you as a reasonable person who is polite and non-demanding. Generally, you are less likely to encounter resistance when using these methods than with a hard-edged demand
Some examples of softening statements: “can you please help me with…”, “would mind if…”, “I’d appreciate it if you would…”, “could I please have…”, “It would be helpful if you could…”
Step 3: have a simple, specific, and direct request or question
Say what you want clearly and exactly – do not tiptoe around the request out of fear of inconveniencing others, and do not make demands. Try your best to use a polite but matter of fact tone
Keep your question or request short, one sentence if possible – generally, the more you elaborate and explain, the more resistance you'll tend to run into
Step 4: If the other person does fulfil your request, make sure to thank them and [optionally] add an appreciation statement
We all know what it feels like to feel as though our efforts are not appreciated, so its always a good idea to express your appreciation when someone does what you've asked of them.
Appreciation statements help reinforce the other persons behaviour and it makes them feel valued and lets them know you appreciate what they are doing for you
Some examples of appreciation statements: “I really appreciate your help”, “Thank you for your effort”, “This will really help me out”, “This is going to make my life/time a lot easier”, “This will make a real difference”
Know your legitimate rights
A common issue some people face when it comes to being clear and specific about your desires and requests is that it brings up a lot of anxiety and fear. Unfortunately, lots of people grew up in families that invalidated their needs and made them feel less than for having desires. All their lives, they feel scared to ask for anything, as if it makes them bad people for needing or wanting things, as if they are undeserving or selfish, or as if their feelings and pain have no importance.
You have a right to need things from others, and to express those needs to others
You have a right to put yourself first when you need to
You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain
You have a right to be the final judge of your beliefs, your feelings, your needs, and your abilities
You have a right to your opinions and beliefs
You have a right your experiences – even if those experiences are different from others
You have a right to feel differently about an experience than other people who have had the same or similar experiences
You have a right to protest treatment or criticism from others that feels bad to you
You have a right to negotiate for change
You have a right to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need (even though you may not always get it)
You have a right to say no – saying no doesn't make you bad or selfish
You have a right to not justify yourself to others
You have a right to not take responsibility for someone else's problems
You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation
You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others
And the reason you deserve all of these things is that you are a human being who feels, who yearns for things, who hurts, who struggles, who has needs, who is alive. All of this entitles you to being heard and being respected
Disclaimer: I am not a professional, nor am I qualified to give you an official DBT Skills Training Unit. I’m just some guy with BPD who found DBT very helpful and so I want to impart those same skills onto as many of my fellow BPDers as I can. Should go without saying but this blog DOES NOT count as an official Skills Training Unit.
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