I am 20 years old and I have never been kissed. It’s my dirty little secret. When people find out, they think that I’m religious, that I’m a prude, that there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Who the hell knows?
   When I see my relatives they inevitably ask me if I have a boyfriend. When I come home from school my old teachers, my neighbors, people in the general store who haven’t seen me in five years ask me. I can’t avoid the question, no matter how hard I try. And when I say no, when I try to laugh it off like I don’t care, the reaction I get is surprise. Surprise that I haven’t found somebody yet. Surprise that I'm not upset by this fact. They're confused that I haven't found someone to make me happy. Somebody to complete me. And why is that? Why do I need a man (or woman) to define me as a human being? Why can’t I just be happy? Single and happy?
   Is it that incomprehensible that I could be a happy confident and single woman? My life plan absolutely does not include settling for something that I do not want just to satisfy the constructs of society. And if it doesn’t matter to me, why does it matter so much to them…?Â
   The thing that bothers me even more is that this is not a recent development. In second grade the girls in my class would gather on the playground to match our first names with the surnames of the boys in our class. At fourth and fifth grade sleepovers everyone would ask which boy you liked. I was teased so mercilessly when I said “none of them” that I started telling people that I had had a crush on my friend who died when we were in fourth grade just so they would stop asking me. When I went to every high school dance with a group of friends rather than a date, people would give me questioning glances. When I showed my grandparents prom pictures with my “date” (a female friend) there was actual confusion. No boys had asked me to prom? Not even one?Â
   I hate the topic so much that I no longer bother to initiate contact with people my own age. I almost solely speak to people in my field of work or academia. I don’t want to discuss my social life, I don’t want to discuss other people’s social lives. I want to talk about interesting concepts, and things that could have some actual baring on my life.
   I can’t stand the idea of being defined by another person. I don’t care whether they’re male or female, in no way should any piece of who I am be dictated by anybody else.
   I’m not trying to say that relationships are bad, I’m really not. If you’re in a happy, productive, and consensual relationship, then I’m thrilled for you!  I just don’t think that they’re necessary for my own personal happiness.
As I grow older I find that I care less and less about what people think, but the stigma grows with each passing year. People joke about crazy cat ladies, or watch comedies like The Forty Year Old Virgin. They joke, because it’s something that they fear. I see articles telling me that if I wait too long I might forfeit my chance at a family. But it’s hard to worry about marriage when you’re still waiting for that first kiss.Â
   There have been opportunities for that kiss, yes. My camp counselor when I was thirteen, a drunk man on a London street corner when I was nineteen, but they were the wrong times and the wrong places, and I was not that girl. I'm the kind of girl who is willing to wait. Willing to wait until things feel right.Â
   Maybe there is something wrong with me.Â
   Maybe there is something wrong with society.
