it’s strange, i think being being so hyped for writing down all my feels on here really opened an outlet for me to want to work on my story/stories little by little every night.Â
i don’t know what i’m feeling today! i am low key anxious about possibly having to present myself, since i’ve applied for part time transcription jobs in the new country i be moving. i don’t understand why i get so jittery when it comes to meeting people. or, actually attention from anybody! seeing as i’m just as anxious about how i will announce to people i’m leaving the job.
my self esteem definitely is a brittle and thin thing. alcohol always helps me be the best version of myself, i’ve noticed, because when tipsy i love to socialise and i just become a thousand times more productive. that can’t be my secret to success, surely not? there’s no harm in trying though!
i have heard though that substances like that are not the right way to go, that we should give ourselves those chemically-induced feelings and not rely on substances. whoooo knows
i am more than excited however to finally change up my life after too long of wanting to do so. for every moment i feel my stomach start to bubble, i must remember that i have wanted this for so long, and enjoy the present. enjoy the knowledge that my life is in my hands entirely and i know all too well where NOT to go.
living in the present is something i think i always couldn’t do. occasoinally, in intimate times i think i’ve totally let go, and it has felt great. yet most of the time i am either depressed and angry about the past or worrying about the future - one i can’t change and one i can, JUST ENJOY THE MOMENT YOU’RE IN NOW, it’s actually much harder but way more freeing to just be at peace, not bitter over an argument or how i had been treated one day back when, and then not quivering with made up fear over a scenario that MIGHT happen but ultimately is not.Â
i think our brains have to come a long way in order to overcome this seemingly default position of complacency, anger and anxiety...it’s so bad, but once you realise it for what it is and move to get past it, you’re on your way to something great.
today i’m working on a case dealing with big bucks. this lady is so empty inside that she has gambled away 2.5 million and doesn’t even care. just last night i had read a short article about a girl’s struggle to get into college because of being an immigrant in america. she said she had studied her ass off and was a straight A student, but the fact that she was not born in that country means that others, those who don’t much care for school, are still able to go to university simply for the fact that they are citizens of that country. on top of citizen status struggle, she also cannot even afford or receive finanical aid for her education.Â
now the fairness meter goes crazy for me, because i just don’t understand all these rules and judgements. we are people, first and foremost, we all have the earth and life in common, yet who the hell came in and divided us with politics and laws and religion and weapons and fear. we are such stronger people when we work together but by the way things are now, it’s like people are afraid to do that very thing...to unite, because we have been so hurt and scared in the time of being apart. it’s such a ridiculous world right now, so i long for the ones who genuinely want to connect. even if it is too late to save the planet or change things, at least we have changed ourselves and are ready to proceed to the next life and leave this one happy and content.
a co worker told me today there is no standard meaning in life, and it is our purpose to make meaning. and i am on the cusp of truly placing this into my firm belief. i have to make life how i want it, not be on the recieving end crawling through the days.Â
i have less than two weeks of work left to go through, tbh this week has been pretty rough in terms of how i thought i would respect the notice period and actually work like a good worker...but when you are so close to freedom, you lose all energy for things that are just not worth your time haha
hokay well that was fun. this was a good clear of the mind.
I was scared to ask for less notice, but I did and I got it.
I was scared to ask for leave I have still left to use, but I did and I got it.
I was scared to keep making contact with my boss who is on leave today, but I did and I got what I needed done.  Because don’t wait on others if you can’t help it!
If you’re scared of doing something, just first of all, believe that you will make it through should you choose to do that something!! Â
Even if you have no idea how to even get through that something, much like me today, you have all the time in the world to make it through, and there are those who are more than willing to help. Â
You never know until you try, or ask. Â Get trying and get asking and get doing!
Be selfish, you know?  You get what you deserve, especially if you were a timid, selfless, forever-giving person, up until the time you realise that your energy is for you and who you choose, not for those who feed off of other’s.
I feel so much better about what I’m doing for myself as of recent.  I had been wanting to leave my work place since I’m pretty sure it was 2015 and now finally, I am. Â
I had had doubts about my relationship and now we mutually understand that we are not ready to carry each other’s weight.
I’m cliff diving into a whole unknown world where it will be up to me to build myself up again.  Maybe I’ve just not processed the depth of it yet because I feel ready when I would usually doubt myself constantly and end up doing nothing.
Do something, do anything, do whatever it takes to be happier!Â
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