Update time I guess. First the stuff that concerns the future of this blog. I've gotten myself even deeper into autistic burnout (got the official ASD diagnosis in April too), and I have not really written anything since February I think? I do want to get back into it, but even if/when I do, it's gonna be a slow process and I have no clue when I would actually get anything posted. I'll try to get some more art reblogged and stuff like that. I'm not gonna delete this blog or anything, but I'm gonna clear my inbox and put something about a hiatus in the pinned post or blog desc. Idk what the future will bring, so I don't wanna promise anything, but I would love to get back to writing eventually, when that will be, I don't know.
LIFE UPDATE STUFF BELOW (can get a bit ranty)
Warnings: Mentions of violence(?)
(I got four siblings, all younger than me, the only ones that matter for this post are the two youngest: sister T 11y, and brother U 9y)
I love writing, it's one of my special interests, but at some point it became more about fulfilling requests just because I felt like I had to, instead of writing stuff that's important to me. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the requests I get are really funny and I love writing them, but there are some that I've written that felt like I wanted to smack my head against a wall. I still wrote some of them, because there wasn't anything that was against my rules. I do sometimes reject stuff too, but a lot of them end up sitting in my inbox for months. All that time I try and and try, and torture myself with just trying to get them done, but eventually I have to give up.
Instead of dealing with all that frustration, I've been playing a lot of Minecraft, (which is my other big special interest). I've really been enjoying my time on the server I play on, even if there's sometimes drama with some idiots in the chat and stuff like that. It's nice to just grindĀ while not having to think about anything really. I like mining, so that's what I've been doing for the last couple of days after I got back home from my mom's place.
I was at my mom's for 12 days and during that time, I cleaned for about 52 hours in total. Also made food, baked, watched the kids and did a ton of laundry and stuff like that. I didn't mop the floors or clean windows or anything like that, barely even wiped any dust. I focused on the biggest problems. I didn't have time for that. I only really had time to gather all the trash, vacuum and organize stuff. I got like 80% of the house done like that. There is so much stuff in there it's ridiculous. My youngest brother U has ADHD (probably autism too), and he has an extremely hard time letting go of anything he gets attached to. I was so proud of him for letting me throw away a lot of his old, broken toys and for giving some of the ones in good condition away to donate too. I gathered about 6 garbage bags worth of trash from around the house. They weren't the small ones either, they were the 150 liter bags. Also gathered all the cardboard, plastics and magazines in the house, (my mom likes to recycle) and sorted those. None of those are included in the 6 garbage bags.
I'm not judging my mom for the mess. She's exhausted and basically a single parent most of the time. I donāt particularly like how my stepdad/her husband is basically useless when heās at home. He works most of the time, and when heās home, Iād say āweaponized incompetenceā describes the situation perfectly. Anyway, the chaos in their house has just been piling up for a long time. Itās gotten so overwhelming for my mom sheās only really been vacuuming every now and then. Of course everyone else in the house should be helping too, but my mom is so tired of arguing with them about everything that itās just not been done at all. The only things theyāre keeping up with well, are the dishes, laundry and taking out the trash, (at least what ends up in the actual trash can). Everything else is a mess.Ā
I just really wish the kids would at least try to do their part. When they eat, the dirtyĀ
dishes are left on the table, instead of going straight into the washing machine. I keep telling them to put them in the machine all the time when Iām over there. They do it, but they complain the whole time if they have to do anything āextraā. If there is trash left from their meal, like a bread bag or something, it will be left on the table. Itās infuriating. The mess would be so much more manageable if they just put their dirty laundry in the laundry basket and put their trash away. Instead, itās left all over the house. Also sometimes they just leave cheese or butter or something on the table, and it will be there until someone else notices it, which can be hours. Even if I notice it, I wonāt put it away, I will tell my younger sister or brother U to do it, depending on what was left there. My youngest brother is very particular about what he eats, so itās pretty easy to know which of them left the stuff on the table.
Also my youngest brother U is very stubborn, doesnāt take responsibility for anything he does and thinks heās never at fault for anything, itās always someone elseās fault. I also got to meet with their support workers, and we talked about what observations Iāve made about the family situation, and especially the stuff between my youngest brother and sister.
I was alone for a couple of days at their place before they came back from the road trip, and when they came back, my youngest brother U showed me a huge bruise on his leg, and told me T bit him for no reason. When I asked T about it later, she told me that U had been repeatedly throwing a carton of juice at her head. Itās not that U is ashamed of what he did, he just genuinely doesnāt realize he did something to cause Tās reaction. Itās odd to say the least. He has gotten recommended for occupational therapy, and I really hope he gets it soon, because once he grows and gets stronger, itās going to get even worse. Heās already whacked mom with a baseball bat (like a wooden one, not a foam one) and chased T with a knife or other sharp objects multiple times. I finally got my stepdad to put a lock on the door to Tās room. The only lockable room in the house before that was the bathroom, and U learned to open that with a screw driver, so thatās not safe either. There is a small bolt lock on it now, but it looks kinda flimsy and I was really hoping theyād put a proper one on it. T even said it looked like it was made of jewelry parts because it was so small. If U gets angry a couple more times, he will be able to rip the door open eventually.
The situation is very worrying and I really hope it gets better as soon as possible (that will be months, probably even years). Also T really only talks to me, she doesnāt want to talk to anyone else. Sheās clearly scared of U and sheās walking on eggshells all the damn time. I love all my siblings, but I do think itās much more important to make sure T is at least physically safe and able to get away, even if it makes U a bit upset when heās not able to get into her room when heās not enraged. T talked to me about how sheās so tired of having to put up with Uās behaviour, sheās recently started to physically fight back and not just take it when U hits her or something. Itās not right for them to hurt each other of course, but I do think T will be safer because of that. And to my understanding, T doesnāt start it, she either reacts to what U does or defends herself.
But yeah, Iām exhausted from the cleaning project, probably going into another bad depressive episode and Iām trying to not put so much pressure on myself. The summer heat sucks ass, but Iāll survive somehow. Remember to drink a ton of water and have something to eat too. Iāll be back eventually :D
