ʙᴘ.ᴇxᴀʙʟᴇ

Bipolar/Recovery

[bp-ex]

I have a lot of trouble with anxiety. There are few places I’ve designated as ‘comfortable’ and maybe that's added to the issue.

In between these comfortable places is where it starts to sink in. I feel perpetually uncomfortable and out of place. I feel like I walk weird and I’m moving weird and there is such a powerful aura of awkwardness around me that people can't help but notice. It makes my insides squirm and sets me on edge.

It makes trying to be normal or what I’d deem to be normal very difficult.

[bp-ex]

If there was something wrong I don’t think asking ‘why are you so miserable’ is the correct way of going about it.

[bp-ex]

The mental state that created my psychosis is no longer an imminent presence. It’s a thought process like that which can lead to a relapse even if it is truthful for this moment.

[bp-ex]

Loving someone is a difficult concept for me. I’ve made it factual in my life that you always, without fail, hurt the one’s you love the most and it's always irreconcilable.

I’ve acted so dangerously impulsively that I feel like I’ve shown myself that no matter how much I think I love someone I will destroy us both with no logic, rationality or thought process involved.

It was super hard being alone at first but I’m at the stage now where I can see it for what it is. Helpful and much needed. I can't find out who I am if I’m emotionally injecting myself into others lives with such catastrophic results that it keeps me in this perpetual loop of seek and destroy because I’ve basically been incapable of dealing with my emotions and processing them in a healthy and safe manner.

I’d love to share some time with another person but it's not something I can allow while I still feel so vulnerable to myself.

I don't know what's at the end, or who, but I know I'd like to get there and know who I am and that I’m not high risk because I’m capable.

[bp-ex]

Would you accept the friendship and apologies of a person who knew you had intentions of actively ending your life that night but whom stood aside to let it happen? A person you thought of as a brother, you’d have done anything for them and already did. You were in the struggle together, knee deep in the shit, a bond of being broken and a lifetime of shared experiences?

I think the answers no. After something like that you can see the toxic behaviours for what they were. You see the tricks and the manipulation because they’ve now been turned on you.

I can forgive because I understand what the darkness does to people but I can’t forget. I hate to say it but you left me to die if you wanna say it like it is.

I refuse to go back to that lifestyle.

[bp-ex]

I like being where I am today because nobody around here knows me.

The anonymity is comforting.

Nobody knows my story. They don’t know the decisions I’ve made or haven’t made or the steps I’m taking towards being myself and I like that. For the longest time I’ve been so sure that people can see how I felt written all over my face. Like they’d know what I thought I was at the core of me.

I’m not too sure how I feel about that now, I think I’m less concerned about the outside world the more I look into the behaviours and patterns that I’ve exhibited in the past and the minute changes that make today a different day.

CBT has given me a value system to work towards and it’s been the difference between hopeless, aimless and goalless to focused on the things that I want to have more value and think should matter in life.

[bp-ex]

A very pivotal moment for me.

It wasn’t my first decision, it wasn’t even my second.

Eventually it became my only decision.

It’s hard for me to be proud of the things I’m doing because I compare it to things I’ve done but this; I’m proud of this choice.

[bp-ex]

CBT Session Number 9 -

Creating a positive profile has been something I've found to be quite challenging. I'm trying to cross the line between convincing myself and knowing myself.

If I look at things on a smaller scale it's easier to process and to objectively look at myself and the things I do daily.

I am starting to accept the factuality of these positive synonyms and what behaviours can increase them.

[bp-ex]

I think about moderation.

I think about it a lot.

I think about what I haven't moderated and what I moderate now, which is everything. I don't listen to anything that could make me feel sad because it's too hard to fight and I don't watch anything that would put me in any situation where that feeling could be a possibility. It is the same with anything that gets my pulse racing, I have to remind myself to calm down because it's too easy to get carried up and away. I feel like I could take off and do anything I want and nobody could stop me.

I have the need to moderate upbeat just as vigilantly and I try and stay in a maintainable middle ground.

BP.Ex

[bp-ex]

I have been sober for exactly 9 months, 23 days, 18 hours and 26 minutes.

I haven’t been sober for more than two weeks in fifteen years.

I don’t want to disappoint the people closest to me and that’s enough to stave off a relapse for the foreseeable future. It’s what has kept me on this path since August the 8th 2020.

I think about cigarettes. I think about weed and I’m half convinced I could eventually smoke it again one day (because drug-fuelled psychosis just disappears with time, right?) Alcohol and cocaine are two peas in a pod as far as my feelings towards them both go, I don't think about them per se but I do think about the situations that have occurred with and around them.

When I get to a year's worth of sobriety I’d like to do something positive and fulfilling to mark the occasion like a hike or a swim in the sea.

BP.Ex