think my moral compass is on a vacation

ben, not bennett thirty | football coach couch surfing in DC

[schmidtsburg]

[br-brody]

@evangeline-morris

[br-brody]

acosta-alycia​:

“Seriously?” Aly’s voice increased in volume as her face twisted into a scowl.  “Fuck you, Bennett! You don’t get to pretend to care about my comfort and what I’d prefer anymore.” The hold she had on her temper slipped away. She wasn’t thinking about where they were, or even what she was doing. There was only anger and betrayal on her mind. “Fuck you and your fucking bullshit. And fuck you–” Her palms collided with his chest in a shove that did absolutely nothing to the six foot five wall of a man in front of her, so she pushed him again. “–for all the bullshit you brought into my life. I’d prefer we never met. I think I’d be a lot more fucking comfortable if I never had to know yo-.”

“HEY!” The bartender’s booming voice interrupted Aly’s explosive outburst. “You can’t fight in here. You and your boyfriend need to take it outside!” She snapped back almost instantly with, “He’s not my fucking boyfriend!” before they were both told to get out again. Aly stormed off but not before shoulder checking Ben in the arm because that’s all she could reach.

She was fuming mad even as she stepped out into the freezing D.C. air. Her rage kept her warm while snow flakes melted against her exposed skin. She was too pissed to think about zipping up her coat. Her hands nearly shook as she hastily searched for an Uber without success. The hotel she was staying at wasn’t far, but she didn’t exactly want to walk there in a snow storm. 

.

Ben stood tall, but only because that was his body habitus.  He remembered her having a flash temper, towering far taller than she did physically, and he recognized it was one of many ways they were opposites.  One thing he would never admit, though, was that he could still get to her like this, years after the fact.  The emotional crimes he’d committed against her were among some of the worst things he’d ever done, sure, but she was definitely not indifferent to him.  That might have been more upsetting.  (Except for the bartender throwing them out.)  He followed her outside because he didn’t really have a choice.  That was basically the only reason.  He probably didn’t have to watch her fumble with her phone, but he did anyway.  When she didn’t have any success, he almost hesitantly spoke out.  “Do you need help? I know it’s not the hasty retreat you were hoping for, but I’m assuming you don’t want to stand here and turn into a human icicle.”       

[br-brody]

tanananabatman​:

.

Tana could tell what he was doing, but she wasn’t bothered by it. People dealt with things in their own ways, and she kind of considered girls one of his coping mechanisms these days. It wasn’t the nicest way to think of it–those girls were people, not tools to make her brother feel better–but she didn’t have a lot of illusions about Ben at this point and it didn’t matter. She’d take his side anyway because that was what they did, and if someone caught his eye, she’d make herself scarce. He’d played human shield for her enough times against unwanted advances that it felt like returning the favor, in a roundabout way.

“Wow, you’re really selling me on that,” she teased. Real golf looked boring. No plastic dinosaurs or fake mountains or whatever other things mini-golf courses included to make them more interesting. She wasn’t very sporty anyway. As far as she was concerned, Ben got all of that and then some. Her attention sharpened slightly when he mentioned a court date. That was sure to be hard on all of them, which meant she’d be there even if it meant skipping a class or rescheduling a show. “That’s probably a good idea. Text me the date, okay? I’ll let them know I’m coming.”

.

Tana’s teasing and sarcasm earned her a chuckle and his full attention.  Purely as a compliment to her, and not a detriment to anyone else around, she was the only one in the room worth the attention at the moment.   Maybe he wasn’t in the mood to get laid.  That probably brought up a whole other set of questions, but he was content to ignore those for a moment.  

“Well, I definitely wasn’t trying.  I could’ve pointed out that driving a golf cart can be fun or that watching other people is usually the best part.”  Because golf was boring.  He barely even considered it a true sport.  The only reason he could justify is there were coaches, professional leagues, and large payouts for people who developed their skills.  For the average person, though, it probably came down to cart driving and people watching. 

He nodded, palming his phone out of pocket to do it immediately.  Chances were good he would forget otherwise, distracted and disorganized as he tended to be with things like promises these days.  “If the timing lines up, we can even drive down.  Make a road trip of it.  Kind of a long drive, though, so I get it if not.”

[br-brody]

evangeline-morris​:

.

There was a possible someday that Evie would carry her own bag - and that would likely only happen if Ben didn’t come along with her - but that day wasn’t now. The sports bra shuffle wasn’t ideal when the temperature would soon be unbearable. 

“I wouldn’t brag about compensating if I were you,” she returned with a snarky smile aimed in his direction. If Evie was ever honest, Ben was likely the only person she would ever feel comfortable teasing to this degree. “I mean, an outsider could get the wrong impression.”

.

Once her items were settled on his person and their conversation was underway, he turned to start toward the actual trailhead from the parking lot.  He didn’t know the way by heart or anything, but it was pretty clearly marked.

He shrugged.  “So let them have the wrong impression.  I’m secure enough in my sexuality, I don’t care.  Besides, if the bar is set low, that means there’s room for good surprises.  Better to be surprised than disappointed.” 

[br-brody]

tanananabatman​:

.

Ben did charming much better than she did, so they both had their own kind of appeal. All her charm came from sincerity or cuteness, and it lacked a certain level of sophistication. She grinned and raised her soda glass in return. It was mostly ice at this point, but she was buzzing enough from the sugar not to particularly need a refill. She also didn’t really want to encourage Ben to drink more, even indirectly. He didn’t need her help with that.

“Okay,” she said simply, nodding. The reasoning made sense to her, and while she’d always like to have Ben with her, she’d made a number of solo trips since the divorce business started. She liked Hailey, always had, and it was true that she wasn’t exactly her best self around Ben these days (understandably). “I might crash one of your trips too, if that’s okay. We promised him a rematch on mini-golf.” Tana was no better at that than she was at pool, and she thought Andrew took a little too much pleasure in kicking her ass. He wasn’t completely unlike his dad that way.

.

It was about the time he needed to decide if he was going to drink more and/or try to find someone to go home with.  Tana’s drink was empty and he instinctively knew she didn’t want more.  Well... if she’d wanted a refill, she probably would’ve already gone to get one.  If someone could call that knowledge the same thing as an instinct, then he knew instinctively.  Otherwise, he just knew his little sister.   That runaround logic made him think maybe he should cool it for the night.  The only reason he would consider otherwise is the conversation.  Even if they’d barely talked about Drew, the entire situation was enough to bury Ben a case of alcohol deep in his own issues.  He let his eyes scan the room to see what kind of options he had in terms of women.  It was probably wrong to do that right in front of his sister, but she wasn’t a kid.  And it absolutely wasn’t the first time.  His attention returned to her without resolving anything.  He’d been listening to her the whole time more than he’d been committed to scanning the room anyway. 

“Yeah, that’d be okay,” he said, giving her a small smile to be reassuring.  His words weren’t worth much these days.  “Maybe I should introduce you both to real golf.  It sucks.”  He chuckled and tipped his beer back to his mouth, finishing it off.  “We have a trial date set to finalize everything in a couple weeks.  It might be especially good to have you come hang with Drew during that, if it works for you.” 

[br-brody]

Let's go back, back Back to where we last kissed Wishing that we lasted And I know we don't feel the same, feel the same Go slow, babe Don't rush to the hard part Pour one on that bar top 'Cause I don't wanna feel a thing anyways, hey Yeah Tell that to the girl that I used to know She got whiskey on her breath and she killed me Red lips on her glass and some heels to match How you running round town straight curving me? Doing shit for someone else that you learned from me

[sethkate]

CASEY DEIDRICK photographed by Hernan Rodriguez

[br-brody]

tanananabatman​:

.

Ben was the person Tana felt most at ease with as well, the closest she ever was to her truest self. Part of it was just long familiarity, but the biggest part was that Ben, despite being kind of obligated to love her, had chosen to do so anyway no matter how badly she fucked up. They could do that for each other, since their parents had largely failed at it.

She picked up the ball and studied the side of the table behind his cue, trying to eyeball a couple of the easier-looking shots. She’d never been great at geometry. She felt a little like Ben a few moments ago when he couldn’t decide which shot to take, except her indecision was genuine. She finally settled on a short, straight shot, letting out a little squeal of happiness when a solid-colored ball went into a pocket. “I did it!”

It was less exciting when she realized that meant it was still her turn, and she wrinkled her nose as she picked out the next one and promptly missed again. Oh well. She wasn’t expecting miracles here. “He did! I can’t believe how tall he is now.” She leaned on her cue, never sure how much to say when it came to Andrew and Hailey. “I was thinking about planning a visit, since it’s summer. Would you want to come?”

.

She was a little more straightforward about picking and taking her shots, less of a jackass than he managed to be on even a good day.  Her celebration when she landed a shot was proof she had gotten any of the genetics that made someone adorable, while that particular trait had skipped him entirely.  He held his glass up, the adult-in-a-bar version of a high five.  As he gestured, his chuckle was genuine. Her second shot was less successful, a phenomena with which he wasn’t entirely unfamiliar, and he approached the table to get into position, but her question made him hesitate.  Instead, he leaned on his cue in much the same way she was leaning on hers.  “Maybe.  I have a few visits with Drew planned around baseball tournaments, but once OTAs start, my work schedule is a lot less flexible.”  He sighed and gave her a regretful expression that couldn’t quite be called a smile.  “Plus, I don’t want to gatecrash your visit.  I know they both love it when you go down and it’s more... um... complicated when it’s me going.” 

[br-brody]

kat-beckett​:

“Fair is fair.” Kat mocked a bow, bending at the waist with a flourish. Leaning back the small woman rolled her eyes and shook her head. A languid sigh and she threw her head back to think on it. “There is so much to offer.” Piquing a brow she gave a small hum, “Nothing with money. It’s predictable and if I’m being honest with you I’m pretty broke- dear ole ma and pa don’t fancy giving me the rest of my big fat inheritance.” It was all true, but she spoke it like a joke- they’d paid for the start up costs of her dance studio, but that was it- nothing more not while Kat continues the “stubborn fit” of refusing to see them. The thought made her chest a little tight, regardless she flashed an easy smile. 

“Hmm- I think if I win this shot, “ Kat started, gesturing towards herself, “that you have to agree to walking Baby for two weeks.” She held up two fingers. “Come to my place- of course whenever your sceduele permits, because I am nothing if not fair.” she pointed, “then you’ll take Baby on his daily jaunt around. It’s honestly a win win.” She shrugged taking a long drink from the jack and coke she’d been nursing. “Baby is a fantasitic dog and I get to rest for a few night.” Kat concluded gesturing towards Ben, “And of course if you win this shot you can name your winnings.” Kat extended her hand towards him standing up on the tips of her toes. “Fair?”

.

Ben honked out a short laugh when she talked about being broke and inheritance woes.  “Oh, don’t worry, I can relate.  Non-money wagers are just fine.”  He did have a trust fund option, theoretically speaking, but he was reasonably sure his parents had just rolled it right over into Drew’s name as soon as the kid was born.  It was also possible they’d been draining it in his name for years without telling him he had the keys to the kingdom.  He was unsure what he was getting into at first until she said Baby was a fantastic dog.  He almost wished Drew was in town to help him with the task when he most likely lost.  “Fair.  If I win this shot... we switch to darts because I actually really hate this game.” 

[br-brody]

briarxbeckett​:

🖤

“Well that’s a pity” she said, wondering if he was going to refuse her challenge. But then he agreed to drinks. She resisted the urge to smirk at him. Instead she said “Either you’re the nicest guy in this place, or you’re setting me up to buy you the most expensive drink on the menu.” She was good at reading people and suspected it was the former, but Briar was the sort of person who never trust anyone fully, no matter how honest they seemed.

.

The compliment, or potential compliment, slid right off him because he was ready to refute it before she was entirely finished talking.  He managed to wait his turn, though.  “I think there’s a hidden third option where I’m not that nice, but I also am not feeling the expensive alcohol tonight.” 

[br-brody]

evangeline-morris​:

.

“I mean, you could put my ID in your backpack and my phone in your pocket?” It kept Evie from doing the sports bra shuffle every fifteen minutes in order for something to actually not fall out. She had settled for sunscreen, but she refused to wear the baseball cap, in replacement for sunglasses. Evangeline Georgina Morris could lay claim to a ton of things, but being someone who had a tan line on her forehead wasn’t one of them.

Even if Ben was one of her best friends, there was something there. It hung between them in an almost visible tension. If they kept moving, there wasn’t time to think about it. Water or a granola bar was an oral fixation that prevented her from verbalizing anything that she could kick herself over later. 

She did, however, pull her ID and phone out of her bright aqua sports bra to hand him. “It’d be a humorous sight, but I don’t think my weight would be evenly distributed enough unless I’m the dude with the monocle from Ace Ventura.”

.

The quirks of her were charming, trying to go hiking lite without carrying anything -- then carrying her phone and her identification.  He kept trying not to be utterly charmed by them, but he kept failing.  It was a pattern years in the making and, at this point, he didn’t have any hope it would change.  Acknowledging and embracing weren’t quite the same thing, but he was making progress that way, he thought.  He took the phone and ID from her without comment and put them in their designated locations.  

“Are you saying you don’t think I could compensate?”  He fixed a small smirk on her.  “Because I’ll have you know, I’ve been compensating for years and I think it’s going pretty well.” 

[lvcifcrs-deactivated20210710]

[beautifulviolent-deactivated202]

“the truth is, i do love you, more than i should. and with you, the lines between platonic and romantic are blurred and i’m sort of fucked up like that, i’m kind of a tangled mess of affection for you that can’t sort itself out. i don’t know platonic from romantic when i’m near you, and i do love you. i just don’t know how.”

— the truth always hurts, but i never meant to tell you (via hcneybaby)

[br-brody]

3, 5, 6

[ dig into my past ]

3: do you think your parents would be proud of you right now?

"I know they aren't. Well, at least my dad isn't. My mom has always stayed stunningly neutral while he cut me down to size because I've somehow never managed to actually do or be what he wants."

5: how much have you changed since you were little?

"I was happier and more carefree as a kid. I read a lot. I played football instead of watching videos and taking notes. I think I wanted to be one of those deep sea divers who explore shipwrecks or something. Things have changed a lot, obviously. But isn't that why they call it growing up?"

6: when would you say was the moment you started to “grow up”?

"Having a kid when you're still in high school will do it real fucking fast. I think I had in bits and pieces before then, you know, when you have someone else counting on you and you're present for them. But the real yardstick is absolutely when that person is a newborn."

[br-brody]

19: what was your biggest fear(s)? do you still fear those things now?

[ dig into my past ]

"Turning into my dad. I don't think I'm anything like him as a father, but it's something I have to stay aware of in order to prevent it. So I guess, in a way, you could say I still fear it."

[br-brody]

36: what is a memory you wish had never happened at all?

[ dig into my past ]

"Telling someone I'm pretty sure I loved the truth about how I really am was ... I mean, it's not like I think about it all the time or anything now. It doesn't haunt me, exactly. But I definitely wish I had just been honest with her before the rest of it. It wouldn't have hurt as much or for as long. But the look on her face is a memory and I wish it hadn't happened."

ft @acosta-alycia

[br-brody]

27: if you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?

[ dig into my past ]

"Be more consistent with the condoms."