screaming into the void

Living ironically in north carolina. She/they pronouns pls.

[bradley271]

How old were you when you realized you were only valued for being an obedient and compliant dormat?

[captain-price-returns]

[bradley271]

Having another crappy mental health day. Mind flashed back to the time as some sort of school activity I wrote a letter to my future self and opened it several years later. I’m sure it was supposed to be encouraging, but for me and probably most other people who did it felt like this:

[countess-of-edessa]

i think we should stop calling them baby names so people remember they’re not just naming a baby but also a future twenty seven year old with a resume

[starry-night-on-the-impala]

that's why bella called her kid resume right away

[midwinterhunt]

hot artists don't gatekeep

I've been resource gathering for YEARS so now I am going to share my dragons hoard

Floorplanner. Design and furnish a house for you to use for having a consistent background in your comic or anything! Free, you need an account, easy to use, and you can save multiple houses.

Comparing Heights. Input the heights of characters to see what the different is between them. Great for keeping consistency. Free.

Magma. Draw online with friends in real time. Great for practice or hanging out. Free, paid plan available, account preferred.

Smithsonian Open Access. Loads of free images. Free.

SketchDaily. Lots of pose references, massive library, is set on a timer so you can practice quick figure drawing. Free.

SculptGL. A sculpting tool which I am yet to master, but you should be able to make whatever 3d object you like with it. free.

Pexels. Free stock images. And the search engine is actually pretty good at pulling up what you want.

Figurosity. Great pose references, diverse body types, lots of "how to draw" videos directly on the site, the models are 3d and you can rotate the angle, but you can't make custom poses or edit body proportions. Free, account option, paid plans available.

Line of Action. More drawing references, this one also has a focus on expressions, hands/feet, animals, landscapes. Free.

Animal Photo. You pose a 3d skull model and select an animal species, and they give you a bunch of photo references for that animal at that angle. Super handy. Free.

Height Weight Chart. You ever see an OC listed as having a certain weight but then they look Wildly different than the number suggests? Well here's a site to avoid that! It shows real people at different weights and heights to give you a better idea of what these abstract numbers all look like. Free to use.

[floppyhatwitch]

[captain-price-returns]

Everytime you post, I read them in Captain Price's voice without fail.

Thanks for being around. 🫶

<3

[bradley271]

Had a flashback to sometime maybe eight years ago when my mom made me sit down to talk about what I wanted to accomplish in my life, and one of the ambitions I listed was “travel around the world”. And now I’m trying not to burst out laughing cuz that feels like a perfect monkey’s paw wish right now.

“Yes you get to travel. ‘The world’? Well yeah, any place you travel to is part of the world. You specifically will be traveling to towns with a population below 20k in R+25 districts. You have zero control or foresight over when/where your trips take place, you just get punted across the US whenever, sometimes with less than half a week before it’s confirmed. Something as fucking simple as scheduling therapy will be very difficult because you never really know when you’ll be in town or not over a timeframe of over a couple weeks. Oh yeah, you’re finally going to realize you’re transgender just a couple months before you leave college, and if you ever came out you’d be regarded as a demonic entity in half of these places. Have fun!”

[bradley271]

(CW- discussion of suicide/self-harm)

So an offhand, completely well-intentioned joke from my manager brought me to my personal worst point so far. Great. I've kept saying that "I haven't ever actually thought of killing myself, just generally feeling hopeless and depressed about not having a future" well guess that's no longer at play, I'm in "actually briefly thought about it." Yup, another new low.

[bradley271]

"Look, I'll go if I have to, it's just that I'm trying to schedule things for the time period"

"Hey, first lesson of being a manager: never schedule anything. You can't ever schedule anything more than 48 hours ahead."

Like yeah, it's true, I know that this job has lots of stuff like this. And I get it came from a place of genuine sympathy, he outright said he had to reschedule his own wedding due to this stuff. Hell, if I could tell him how serious this shit is, he'd likely be willing to at least do, I dunno, something.

But as it is... well, I just kinda got confirmation that I'm never going to even be able to seek therapy at all, didn't I? Like I know on some level that isn't what he meant, but else am I supposed to take it as? Yeah, sure, it's not like I've been traveling every few weeks, there were probably a few gaps where I could attended and maybe had some progress if I got over myself. But how was I supposed to do that when I've never had any reason to believe that going down the road wont end exactly how I think it will?

And I can't get therapy once the two weeks are done. Well, maybe I can, but not for long. Cuz I've been told I'm gonna have to move again in August, and I have no idea when that will be going on. It'll be like four therapy sessions and then I'll have to start over completely with a new therapist. Except I don't even know I'll be able to find a new therapist. I could end up somewhere where there's nobody who will even respect me if I bring up my dysphoria, and... I can't keep thinking about this crap.

I'm fucking sick of this shit. I'm sick of being a fucking ragdoll. I'm sick of pretending this job is good. It's not. My commute is horrid, the location is awful, the schedule is torture, and if I ever chose to actually live my own life the way I want I could legitimately just get thrown out of the company like a used tissue. None of that is fucking good.

I'm gonna take a bunch of hits from my vape and play Barotrauma for a long time to forget about this shit for a while.

[witchofanguish]

[mysteryteacup]

On a more serious note: If you have a partner or a parent or a boss (urgh) or religious leader who threatens to hurt or kill themselves if you don't do what they want, the correct answer is to call their bluff and leave the relationship as soon as possible. 99% of the time they are going to backtrack the moment they realise you will not capitulate, because they don't actually want to hurt themselves - they want to hurt and control you - and if they don't back down, guess what? That's not your fault. Awful person suffers the consequences of their own awfulness is never your fault, no matter how desperately they want you to believe otherwise.

[aspiringwarriorlibrarian]

Even if they were being serious, you are not equipped to deal with someone who is self harming or suicidal. Get help and then let the help take it from there.

[bradley271]

(CW- discussion of suicide/self-harm)

So an offhand, completely well-intentioned joke from my manager brought me to my personal worst point so far. Great. I've kept saying that "I haven't ever actually thought of killing myself, just generally feeling hopeless and depressed about not having a future" well guess that's no longer at play, I'm in "actually briefly thought about it." Yup, another new low.

[bradley271]

Get back from a long trip to some company location away from home

I think about signing up for therapy again

Get worried- it’s gonna definitely be a pain to do, it’s probably gonna be stressful, and it’s another step towards the inevitable nightmare of coming out at the company

Procrastinate, put it off for a while

I finally work up the resolve to get started

I learn that I’ll be going on another long trip to another location in the middle of nowhere in a week or so, making the entire exercise of ever considering therapy pointless.

[bradley271]

Going to check with manager, see if the nightmare is confirmed yet

[bradley271]

And the answer is… no idea. Still don’t know. Which is worse than being confirmed I’m going because it could turn out I’m holding off on signing up for literally nothing.

God I’m never moving forward in life at all, am I?

It’s so fucking insane. My parents tell me “you need to socialize and meet more people, we’re worried you don’t have enough life experience”. And you know what, fine, that’s fair. But how am I supposed to get any? I’ve been trying to get over catastrophizing and go to the pride group events more, and it has actually been nice, but those aren’t often. And those are literally the only events I can go to where I don’t have to worry about being seen as a freak if I talk about my own identity. Anywhere else? Tossup between I know I’m gonna get a bad reaction and I don’t know at all.

[bradley271]

“But you can still talk about normal stuff right”

No. Because I still know that I’m going to come out someday- or at least I’ve got to keep thinking I will, cuz not is worse- and I’ve got to think about how everyone will react when that happens. The person I just met seems really nice, are they still gonna be nice when the truth comes out? The co-worker who’s really happy to have me around, will he still be happy when I’m honest with him?

I don’t think I can really express just how anxiety-inducing it is having this shit in the back of your mind constantly. And it’s especially bad if someone tries to talk casually about stuff related to it, cuz you basically have to lie through your teeth and pray that they won’t get mad at you when

[bradley271]

So yeah, it feels impossible for me to make friends or form any kind of relationship because of the permanent sword of Damocles hanging over my head. Even small talk with coworkers feels stressful.

And what can I do about it? Nothing. I could try to schedule therapy, but what’s the point? As soon as I get an actual appointment scheduled I’ll here “hey this is your boss, the feed mill in Satan’s Sock Drawer, Missouri is having a critical worker shortage and we need you to stay over there for two weeks if not more”. And I’ll have to cancel the appointments for that timeframe. Even though I’ll probably still get billed for them. And then once I get back I’ll probably learn that I have two weeks before I have to move to Satan’s Sock Drawer for the next couple of years. It’s gonna be like the last time I tried therapy, I’ll only get a few visits in and I’ll get to talk a little bit but I’ll basically be nowhere closer to figuring things out than before.

[scoutology]

#crysobbing

[bradley271]

Never found something I needed more

[stitchposts]

Hey if you're coming to Washington DC for the Fourth of July: don't

We're having our turn in the heat wave and reports from the National Mall are brutal already this week. That screenshot is today's forecast (courtesy of the Capital Weather Gang) and tomorrow and Saturday are confidently going to be worse than this is.

The national Mall has no shade on the grass and you will be exposed to the sun constantly while also experiencing extremely high humidity. You will not be allowed a bag over a certain size to enter the mall and it has to be clear. You cannot have an insulated water bottle, it has to be clear. Reports are that there are two entrances to the area so you'll have to wait in line to even get in. I cannot find a number on how many cooling stations there are, except that it's "few" to "none" depending on what accounts I read online. Vendors are allegedly charging more than the posted prices and seem to be unprepared for actual crowds - these are the official vendors not the scam food trucks that park all around the edges of the mall. And that's the extent of the planning done because it was not a priority to make sure attendees don't pass out.

My local friends and I have reached a consensus that tourists are going to get extremely sick and none of us know what the EMT response or planning is on the mall this year. People are going to die.

Please stay out of this. It's not worth your health. Get your relatives and family to stop. I can give you recs for so many DC museums and things to do if you want to make the most of your trip. Any other local can too.

[cattorneyatlaw]

Ok but if Tump gives a speech, in the heat, in his condition, you're saying theres a chance... ?

[bradley271]

If Trump refuses any sort of aid whatsoever? Maybe. He’s an egomaniacal idiot so it’s possible.

But don’t count on it. He’s probably going to be wearing a cooling vest under his clothes in addition to water on call. And even if he were to collapse, he’s less than five minutes away from emergency care and they’ve got heatstroke treatments on standby.

[captain-price-returns]

A-5 Vigilante, carrier-based nuclear bomber. It succeeded the Douglas A-3 Skywarrior as the Navy's primary nuclear strike aircraft, but its service in this capacity was relatively brief due to the deemphasizing of manned bombers in American nuclear strategy. A far larger quantity of the RA-5C tactical strike reconnaissance variant were also procured by the service, which saw extensive service during the Vietnam War

[captain-price-returns]

Trump Talks to the Press in Front of his Qatari Bribe Jet 7/1 Highlights

Trump says his new Qatari Air Force One is "the greatest commercial plane ever built ... I have the privilege of flying it"

"The country is very proud of it. And you can do two things -- you can low key it, or you can show it. And I think the country should be very proud of it."

Q: How much did it cost American taxpayers to upgrade the plane?

TRUMP: It cost very little relative to what it would cost if we did it a different way. This was a gift from a country that's treated us very well.

Q: Your financial disclosure shows you had a very lucrative year last year. What message does this send to average Americans?

TRUMP: Well, you know, I don't get involved. We have funds that run my money

Q: But you are benefiting. We're talking billions of dollars

TRUMP: Well I made a lot of money before I became president. You saw the cash.

"I'm profiting because the stock market is going up. Everybody is profiting. Thank you President Trump."

Trump's failsons are also here

[stitchposts]

Hey if you're coming to Washington DC for the Fourth of July: don't

We're having our turn in the heat wave and reports from the National Mall are brutal already this week. That screenshot is today's forecast (courtesy of the Capital Weather Gang) and tomorrow and Saturday are confidently going to be worse than this is.

The national Mall has no shade on the grass and you will be exposed to the sun constantly while also experiencing extremely high humidity. You will not be allowed a bag over a certain size to enter the mall and it has to be clear. You cannot have an insulated water bottle, it has to be clear. Reports are that there are two entrances to the area so you'll have to wait in line to even get in. I cannot find a number on how many cooling stations there are, except that it's "few" to "none" depending on what accounts I read online. Vendors are allegedly charging more than the posted prices and seem to be unprepared for actual crowds - these are the official vendors not the scam food trucks that park all around the edges of the mall. And that's the extent of the planning done because it was not a priority to make sure attendees don't pass out.

My local friends and I have reached a consensus that tourists are going to get extremely sick and none of us know what the EMT response or planning is on the mall this year. People are going to die.

Please stay out of this. It's not worth your health. Get your relatives and family to stop. I can give you recs for so many DC museums and things to do if you want to make the most of your trip. Any other local can too.

[sztupy]

A good day for Trump supporters to get a heat stroke

[stitchposts]

I cannot convey to you how much I do not want literal goddamn children to die. Also frankly, how I do not our local emts to have to watch any tourists die on their watch.

There is historically an assumption that attendees will have access to planned amenities. It's not in place this year of all years. There is a very real risk here and I'm trying to warn people, because people simply don't know how awful this is about to be.

Get fucked. This is very clearly a post trying to help people instead of rubbing my hands in glee.