Into The Portal

a diary to myself

[brainhearrt]

Things will always unravel itself sooner or later.

[brainhearrt]

You’re a dangerous being. You set things on fire with your words.

[brainhearrt]

I fear of being too much. I said to you I come with a lot of baggage in the beginning. You said it’s ok. Now, you tell that I am. You proved my fear to be true. You validated it. You love me less because of it. This is why I don’t want to put my walls down ever again.

[brainhearrt]

I wonder what else I can self sabotage..

[brainhearrt]

Your contradictions pushes me away.

[brainhearrt]

Run for your life. The most you can rely on is yourself.

[brainhearrt]

I hate crying. It’s mentally exhausting and draining. I just want all of this sadness to stop.

[brainhearrt]

A piece of me dies every day. They say everything will be okay but things are the same. I think I’m not meant to be on the better side of things. I’ll have to accept my fate.

[brainhearrt]

Fuck my vulnerabilities. Fuck you for using it against me. Man, I don’t trust easily and you go do that shit. One day someone will betray you. Just you watch.

[brainhearrt]

Have you ever tried hypnosis for sleeping or anxiety?

I have not. Does it work?

[brainhearrt]

I hate showing my vulnerabilities because I’m afraid it’ll be used against me as a weapon.

[brainhearrt]

I’d like to try a new place. Somewhere quiet. There’s no agony. I don’t need to endure living in a pain body. It’s just peaceful and still. A world where my soul can feel soft.

[brainhearrt]

You make me want to rip my eyes out.

[brainhearrt]

I want to feel like I belong in this world but at the same time why should it matter if I do or not? There are other things to worry about.

[brainhearrt]

I hate it when I cry. It makes me feel defeated, exhausted, overwhelmed, and I don’t feel like continuing on. I’m so tired.

[brainhearrt]

Today is my friend Jaclyn’s birthday. She passed away back in 2011. We would’ve done something adventurous. I miss her every single day. I still listen to our song and cry to it. Oddly, this year I haven’t cried. Maybe later tonight. Maybe not but I know it’ll catch up to me like it always does. Grief doesn’t ever go away. It stays with you and haunts you till the very end.

[brainhearrt]

Small talks are either for awkward people or nosy people.