Brain Help

Concussions, brain hemisphere imbalance and brain health. A personal journal on the road back from brain injury.

[brainhelp]

Migraines

Yep. They’re gonna happen. Where there are neuro problems, there will likely be migraines (past, present or future).

I’ve learned is to fully understand them on the whole. Why are you getting them?

But I’m sorry to say, that fully understanding a migraine comes with a bit of pain. And, as I’ve been dealing with my own and talking to other about it, I’ve found that most people don’t want to go through that pain.

Our culture of modern medicine tells us that a pill will take the pain away. Many people simply opt for the short option. I don’t blame them. The time required to deal with pain is too much for them. They have things to do and they don’t want a migraine getting in the way of their plans. I did the same thing, but eventually found that drugs stopped working or only gave temporary relief. I was getting more and more of them.

The pain got to be too much when I was about 26 years old and I started seeking other options.

I’ve long since been a believer of non-medicated migraines solutions. The total number of debilitating migraines I get has gone from around 4-5 times a month (the throw up kind that take 12-24 hours to break), to maybe 1 every other month (where I can usually still recover by the end of the day with treatment).

Even IF medication works, I had to come to terms with the fact that medication CANNOT prevent them or cure them. It’s purely taking the pain away for a time.

In addition, drugs are extremely hard on stomach lining and digestion, which for people with head trauma (who likely also have stomach issues, as there is a known relationship between the brain and the gut), this can be a huge problem and even create MORE migraines.

Yesterday was one such example of migraine success.

First of all, I hadn’t had a migraine in about 2 months. I had been pre-migraine a few times, but for me, the fact that this is was the first for a while was already a big win.

I’m not gonna lie, it was bad. I threw up twice and the pain was searing. I couldn’t stand up without a problem.

But I had new tools this time. I’ve been doing the work in understanding specifically what the the migraines feel like other than ‘everything hurts and I’m dying.’

I’ve been doing neurokinectic therapy for the past 6 months, and paying really close attention to what’s happening in my body when I have different pains. I’ve invested. Time, money and energy. I have learned how to release and activate a lot of muscles on my own from my therapist, but more importantly, I’ve learned to feel specifically what is off. I knew enough to at least get me to be able to stand up and go to work.

And then, an emergency call into my neurokinetic therapist and we got the rest of what I couldn’t figure out on my own (which was a significant, it was actually stemming problem in my lower leg).

I made a full recovery within a few hours. I taught all my music lessons, played soccer, went out with a friend and had my life back. The migraine didn’t come back today. I pushed myself too, I didn’t take it easy.

Wow right? The body is amazing if we know what it is telling us. AND if we’re willing to listen, do the work and if we actually WANT to heal (vs. just complain about having migraines and not make actual changes).

The things that I take away from this experience:

1. I’m responsible for my body and what’s happening in it. I can take care of more than I think I can I’m my body by truly paying attention, researching, being open minded and STUDYING what I need to do in these situations. No one is here to fix me. I’m not broken. But I am responsible for my own healing. A lot of people want to shirk that responsibility. It’s on you to heal your issues, not your therapist or doctor. They are here to help you learn yourself, like a teacher.

2. Where my knowledge falls short, I am responsible to ask for help. Even when it costs me something. As every decision we make costs us something. I’ve learned to think of it as ‘I actually can’t afford not to.’ After all, that type of migraine may had impacted my entire week. With help, I found out this wasn’t ‘regular’ fare migraine for me. I couldn’t have solved this one on my own. I needed help.

3. Don’t be lazy with treatment. When you have actual solutions, even when they seem like they couldn’t possibly be helpful (which most of neurokinetic therapy feels like that to me, like ‘how could this one little muscle be causing all that.’), you have to do the ACTUAL work to get better. And you have to be on it the moment you’re feeling off. You can’t wait until tomorrow because you’re tired. You’re probably tired because something is off.

4. I CAN RECOVER! That was an incredible experience. Being so so sick and then having an amazing rebound. I had no idea my body could do that and I want others to find their own version of that.

5. Never ever ever give up. There’s always a solution and there’s a lot to live for. Fight for it.

If you’re reading and you’re curious about this therapy there is a therapy finder here https://neurokinetictherapy.com/certified-practitioners-2-2. I love this therapy. But I will warn you, it requires something of you. You have to do the work.

Good luck in the pursuit of your migraine and brain health.

Certified Practitioners – Neurokinetic Therapy®

[brainhelp]

Slow Days

I have slow days and slow weeks, where my brain simply isn’t functioning properly.

I know tons of people without real issues say the same kinds of things. But they’re usually saying it after they’ve had a lot of late nights, a lot of stress, too many rich foods, drinking a lot and not exercising. Lifestyle stuff that feels out of control, but really can be in control with different decisions making (not saying it’s easy).

But for me, and others like me, who have had significant head trauma and/or have significant brain hemisphere imbalances, it’s not the same as making a few lifestyle choices. Largely, because we’ve always done all those things any they didn’t work.

Many of us are on strict diets, see doctors and have done significant work to function normal in the day to day of life. At least for me, I try really hard. So when it’s a slow day, it feels really frustrating.

“I didn’t do anything. How come I feel this way. Just so weak. Maybe I just need to suck it up? What wrong with me?”

It just took me a long time to accept and understand that these slow days come with the terrority as a person is being treated for head trauma. And it’s not because I’m lazy or depressed.

On these days, my body feels so fatigued and my head so heavy that it takes every vain of my strength to get through the normal functions of life: standing up, sitting for any period of time, reloading my laundry. It’s hard to describe. But it’s like having a really bad hang over only you didn’t drink (for the record, drinking can magnify this feeling exponentially).

I’ve put on a good show for others, so I can be there for people, move forward in my life and in my career. But what they haven’t seen (because I likely hid it from them) is that then there is no more energy left. I come home, I crash into bed and I can sleep for twelve hours and still need to nap in my car the next day between lessons.

And I’ve learned that if the brain can’t do it, the muscles can’t do it and they create work arounds to get through. Sometimes, layers and layers of them like an onion.

The short is my muscles aren’t functioning properly. I can’t hold up my neck without using a myriad of muscles I shouldn’t be using. My diaphragm locks and my obliques follow suit. I can’t digest food. My symptoms of thoracic outlet syndrome flare. I hurt. It’s hard to think and focus so I get anxious or irritable. My weight fluctuates as I swell, often with cortisol or lymphatic fluid that won’t drain properly. I struggle to communicate my thoughts with others. I need to sleep endlessly (like 13 hour, and a midday nap, just crashing into bed).

I mean, tell that to someone you’re dating 😳 (though I did have a positive experience Of that lately where the person was a college athlete who understood concussions). Or to your friends and family who think you’re just avoiding the responsibilities of adulting. Or teammates or colleagues when you’re not pulling the weight you normally pull. Shame can build. So can fear. 

I still remember years ago, I heard some of my college roommates once say “does she always sleep like that?” I still remember feeling like I had to explain myself, but at the time I couldn’t. I was just super tired all the time, long before I knew what this beast was. It was a few months after my last concussion, the wakeboarding accident (22 stiches in the back of my skull). We all joked about that one being another “Oh Erin” moment, not realizing I was having problems from it.  

I am certain that had we all known, it would have been handled differently of course. They were good friends. But honestly, after I heard them talking about me like there was something wrong with me over and over again, I started pulling away and hiding in various ways. This had already been happening on some level with the symptoms from my other two concussions and other athletic injuries: I just didn’t realize it. 

I realize now that I just trying to save face and be respected as a hard worker, a strong and capable woman. I didn’t want them to see my weakness. I didn’t want them to think less of me. And, I was young and determined to not let anything get me down.

It’s like I could never just find a full answer to share before. And new problems would creep up after one would end. And I felt dumb continuing to try, feeling like everyone was looking at me like I was making things up or just self diagnosing (particularly when I started trying alternative medicine techniques when I exhausted what western medicine had to offer).

The gluten intolerance. The respiratory allergies that used to turn into a sinus infection or bronchitis over night. Skin issues. Blood noses. The back pain. The never ending stream of random injuries. All showing their roots now in the brain as I’m recovering.

But I have a good friend now who has allowed me to open up and find the best ways of getting this all out. And now that I’ve had actual marked progress across the board, I feel the confidence that I know what I’m talking about.

Most of what I’ve been facings are known patterns in the neuro universe. Every practitioner I’ve seen in the field takes a look at me and says, “Woah. I don’t know how you’ve been even standing up, let alone playing sports still.” As in, you’re super messed up, we’ve got work to do. It was honestly refreshing and validating to hear that. Yes, something very significant has been wrong the whole time. And Yes, there are plenty of answers to help you. We can get you to almost normal function in time.

I’m not gonna lie that this part has been hard for me emotionally. I have friends that are doctors and surgeons, well educated. And yet, I have this crazy subset of knowledge now related to concussions and muscular function that comes from having PERSONALLY experienced rehabilitation of this darn thing. We’re talking about 2 hours of daily care on this thing for over a decade. Specific supplementation, allergy work (food and respiratory), body work, target neuromuscular work, emotional work, limiting screen time, noise and light. 

It’s hard for me to be in a room with people now who want to say trite things like “maybe you’re just dehydrated. Maybe you should get a massage, that always helps me when I’m sore.” You’re such a genius, if I only thought of that (sarcastic eyeroll). 

And then, I remember, “Erin this is the reason you need to share your story. Many doctors don’t know this stuff because they haven’t lived this. The person that told you to drink more water, has never experienced what it’s like to have diarrhea for weeks on end for the majority their entire life with everyone expecting them to function normally day to day. They haven’t experience what you’ve experienced.”

For me there are more good days than bad now. Yesterday was rough and honestly this whole week has been rough. Last week was amazing. When I have those normal weeks it’s as though there were never a struggle. I even FORGET that there are problems until the next time it happens and I go through this shaming process all over again. 

These issues are real. And they can be treated. And those of us who experience them, we can get better! Keep fighting. Keep trusting yourself. Be determined. And never give up.

[brainhelp]

Bloody Noses

And there it is again. 

Oh the bloody nose, right in the middle of teaching a music lesson. Or while I’m watching TV. Or while I’m on a walk. Or just at random. 

I never quite see them coming but I’m learning the signs and not to be alarmed. 

I’ve since learned that my nosebleeds are largely related to sensory overstimulation and changes in my blood pressure. For people who have had head trauma, this can simply happen more frequently than for regular folks. I didn’t realize this problem as a symptom, which is why I wanted to write about it. I don’t think others usually put the two together (or even doctors, because nosebleeds are pretty benign). 

When the nosebleeds first started, about 9 years ago, I was in a yoga class I attend regularly. I wasn’t doing anything that I didn’t normally do, and I look down and there was blood on my mat. 

And then, I’d get them once or twice a month from that point on. On a run, while talking on my phone, or making dinner. For a while, a few of my friends were joking with me about my secret cocaine addiction (until I assured them I was okay). I thought for a while I was just drinking too much caffeine (this is after all a drug). But I made diet alterations and it didn’ t do anything, so from that point on, it was just accepted: Erin gets nosebleeds.  

Years later, I’m seeing a neurologist and we put it together that when this happens, it’s likely a sign something is off for me in terms of my brain function. One doctor put it like this, “you’re likely exceeding your metabolism.” This was said not just in reference to the nosebleeds, but the migraines, the tiredness, the clumsiness and the additional muscular pain. The total picture causing the problem, the nosebleed, a mere outward sign of a lot of stress happening on the body.  

The message: a nosebleed for me isn’t something that I should push through. It’s a sign that I need to cool it because something is off. And, that I generally need some kind of treatment to rebalance my body and my brain (I do neuro-kinesthetic therapy, addressing neuro muscular issues). 

The things to watch out for: screens, sounds and sweat. It’s not to say that you shouldn’t do the things you want to do or that you should avoid those things. But they can be triggers. I do all the things I want to do, but take the nosebleeds as a sign I’ve done too much and back off. And then I go get help. 

I’m down to a nosebleed maybe every two or three months. I had one yesterday, which made me think to post. I turned off the TV, turned off my computer and went to bed. I have a treatment today. 

[brainhelp]

Brain Problems, Inflammation & Self-Esteem

My experience with brain issues and injury has been synonymous with issues of inflammation. 

Inflammation sucks. It impacts every area of a person’s life, particularly, by way of self-esteem. Both chemically in that your body’s eco-system is never quite right, making you feel “off” and then as a matter of physical issues that stem from that. 

We can also physically see inflammation. It looks like weight gain, which, it is... namely in the form of fluid. 

The thing about inflammation, is that the minute we see it appear, we freak out. “I’m getting FAT.” At least this is usually my reaction. The thing about inflammation is that it can actually be a sign that you’re healing, so don’t be too quick to judge it. 

This doesn’t bode well for the self esteem when we’re mentally attached to the idea of appearing to others in a certain way. It doesn’t feel good to know that you work out everyday, you eat all the right foods and you look 15 pounds heavier than you should. 

It is important that we understand inflammation first before judging it. A younger me would go on crazy diets (I was dabbling in eating disorder territory for most of my teens and early 20s) or mask the same problem by just exhausting my body to the point it couldn’t have any extra puff. 

I understand now how doing this to myself made it impossible for my body to HEALTH from the real problem it was experience... an f’ing brain injury, ya know? I didn’t even give it a change because I was too busy worrying about no longer being hot and attractive to men. For the record, we’re talking about maybe 10 pounds here.... yet, to a person experiencing this “weight gain” problem who is living a healthy life, it is absolutely panic territory. 

A word on anti-inflammatory diets. 

I’ve done a number of them over the years in my “I’m getting fat” panic modes. And the inflammation does go down. But the thing I want to note about a person experiencing a brain injury is that you have to be more careful in dieting than the average person or you can end up creating food sensitivities for yourself left and right. At some point, your body will inflame to just about anything you put in it, as it sees the substances coming in and doesn’t know what do with them. 

The point I’m making, is that you want to RETRAIN your body to understand what it should do with the “normal” foods that would be a part of your regular diet. This isn’t to say it wouldn’t be helpful to cut back on the dairy, eliminate alcohol for a time, watch your sugar intake or be gluten free (I do all of these things and have found them vital to managing my condition). But in terms of more extreme auto-immune type protocols, be careful here that your intentions are healthfully motivated and focused. That this is not about you losing the panic weight, and that you and your doctor, have decided you need a reboot...and then will be reintroducing and retraining these foods back into your systems alongside likely supplementation and some type of physical therapy. 

Sound complicated. Well, it is. And yet, it’s simple. Leave your poor body alone to it’s inflammation. Sleep a lot. Work out daily but don’t over do it. Make good food choices. And work on your self-esteem....even with some extra weight. 

The hardest thing for me has been the way I see people who know me as an “athlete” look at me and thing I’ve let myself go when I haven’t. I do the work. And it kills me to think that people could be looking at me thinking I need to lose a few pounds when it’s literally not my fault. But this too, is a matter of pride. A matter of surrender, and a matter of letting my body truly heal (and maybe surrounding myself with people who’d love me for me and even be the types who’d be open to knowing what I’m going through before they judge). 

Be well. Work through your inflammation, don’t just get rid of it. It’s different for us. 

[brainhelp]

Motion, Light & Color Matters

Motion, color, light and brain issues are a just a huge deal in relationships with the brain. There is no other way to say it and not enough people are talking about it and people with concussions and/or brain hemisphere imbalance all over the place are experiencing it. 

I’m talking computer screens, phones, watching TV shows, attending concerts with stage lighting, reading books on kindle, driving at night, playing video games. 

Though in the past three years I’ve done a lot of EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), cold lasering (low level light therapy concussion protocol on Zirconia lasers) and nuerokinesthetic therapy, I can still find myself wildly sensitive to the wrong light at the wrong time with the wrong motion. 

A few tips I’ve picked up to help in the process. 

1. KNOW YOUR LIGHT. It really can help to know exactly what you’re dealing with in terms of which types of light you are most sensitive to and which types can counter balance your sensitivity. DON’T BE LAZY in your knowledge of this topic. Search out everything you can find on the topic and go from there knowing that you’re not alone and that your sensory issue is real. 

Meaning, even at Home Depot the other day there was a “blue light“ display next to a sign about Autism. Some people with brain problems are crazy sensitive to blue light (me being one of those people, on the left half of my pupil... complicated!). It could be sensitive in a good way OR in a bad way. Looking at blue light for any period of time or having it flash in my face in motion or on a TV show with a blue palate can make me actually throw up. Depending on the area of your injury, you could do really well with blue and be messed up red light!

We just can’t be cavalier about the light issue and, I for one, am not going to let a place like Home Depot (though well intentioned) be my only source on this. 

I’ve found a lot this out by working closely with neuro-chiropractors with additional applied kinesiology backgrounds (Neuro-chiropractors are double board certified as neurologists and chiropractors. It’s a crazy crazy smart field. Look up the Carrick institute https://carrickinstitute.com/). 

But the practical application is on you. For instance, I needed to drive with yellow tinted glasses at night for like a year. I don’t have to do that anymore. I also used to have to watch TV or do extended computer work through a glass with a half vertically colored lens. Sometimes, the light color can be an issue in the pupil itself and you need stimulation of only one half of the eye and then de-stimulation (yep, it looks funny). But taking care here for a shorter period of time, can prevent or get rid of related migraines, reduce anxiety, get muscles functioning normal, and not to mention that the right kind of therapy here actually will HEAL the problem. 

Be aware though, that it will change over time as you heal. You’ll need to go back more than once. They put different shades of glasses on you, and flip them around, and muscle test you and you come out knowing quite a bit more than you did before you came in. 

This won’t be forever, but it will get worse if it isn’t dealt with. Way, way, worse to the point you think your symptoms are pointing to something, like cancer, or something like that.   

2. WEAR SUNGLASSES INSIDE. You may feel awkward at first about appearing to be too cool for school but it helps exponentially when you have light sensitivity to wear your sunglasses really in any environment with unpredictable or hard lighting with that flickering quality. 

You may not even recognize it as a light sensitivity and it feel it as something like, “you get tired easily these days when going out too much.” When in fact, you might not be tired at all, your brain may be overstimulated by the lights at the places you were!

Again, it won’t be forever if you get treatment. I spent two years needing to do this. I don’t have to anymore. 

3. SCREENTIME LIMIT. Okay, so honestly no more than 2 hours a DAY... is ideal on this. But we live in a world where that is next to impossible depending on your job. Get help figuring out which type of computer glasses (usually a yellow tint is helpful but again it depends on what’s going on). 

That means if you have a computer based job... all the extras need to go for a time. Off social media. Movies or TV only on the weekends. Stay away from motion related video games, avoid extreme motion in movies and avoid app that have you swiping left and right (one direction or the other, depending on where you are sensitive, can in about 10 seconds derail you for the day).

4. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS. The hardest part of this is social. Like, how do you be a normal person and explain this to your family, best friends or to your partner? It’s not easy. There is a little bit of them not believing you as you wade through it, but please be confident in knowing that you just communicate and keep trying they will always come around. 

They will see a dramatic improvement in you and they will be the first to support you and tell you when you’ve been watching TV for too long or when they see one eye is strangely dilated. They will be the first to choose a different activity or not make you go to an environment that makes you have a migraine. There are plenty of things you can do for fun as you heal that won’t make your light, color or motion sick. 

Lastly, I think the most important thing I needed as I was doing with this part of a brain issue, was simply to know that I wasn’t crazy and that these treatments weren’t a bunch of bull...and that I was still acceptable and lovable even though I had these weird issues going on. The “real” vs. “not real” thing, ya know? 

It’s real. I live to tell the tales. And I went to my first arena concert the other night with flashing blue lights right in my face and had no issue whatsoever. AMAZING. 

[brainhelp]

Anxiety & Limbic System Recovery

I had a really interesting experience of anxiety this past week as I reached a new level with my neurokinetic therapist (retraining neuromuscular relationships across the body = neurokinetic therapy, NKT for short). 

We’ve actually been moving pretty fast these past six moths, as my body has really responded remarkably well to NKT. But I’ve noticed that each time I’ve made a big breakthrough muscularly (where a specific muscular pattern no longer needs to be retrained), I usually have a few pretty rough days in the process. I’m told this is my motor control system rewiring itself and that this is pretty normal. 

I’ve learned however, that there is a total advantage to this discomfort if a person is willing to really stop and allow the pain (versus trying to medicate it, avoid it or block it out). That advantage is, you learn to identify what pain feels like what problem in almost feels like a pain reassignment process. Therefore, you can deal with it really fully, including emotional relationships within the pain. 

I had a big one of these this past week. We’ve been dealing with my neck lately (and surrounding muscles that hold it up) and particularly in areas impacting limbic system functions. 

I’m not going to go into depth about the limbic system (it’s a quick google away and there are far more qualified people than I who can tell you about it). But I will say, that it’s very much a part of the brain where emotions and emotional responses are regulated. Anxiety, panic, fear, frozen responses, confusion, flight. 

Different people over the years that I’ve worked with, doctors and therapists alike have all told me that I’m dealing with anxiety. To me, I feel like I’ve managed to be pretty calm (at least outwardly) in my life. So although I’ve seen it and “understood” what they were saying, I always more equated anxiety with the diaphragmatic pain surrounding my stomach area not as an emotion or feeling. I always related more to my digestion (which it also was). Like “I’m anxious” to me equaled “I hurt” somewhere. 

But this week, as we released and activated areas dealing directly with the limbic system I had a new understanding of anxiety. I was just utterly wiped out tired for a week. I think what happened is that we released some deep stuff in there and it just knocked me out. I was sleeping for like 12 hours a night and needing naps during the day, but still feeling muscularly way better than the previous week. 

Toward the end of the week, as I started to feel more energy and wanted to do more than just work and sleep... like I wanted to go out with my friends, go to dinner and concert, ect. All the sudden I felt it, the anxiety was there in a way I hadn’t experienced it before but I think may have always been there. It felt emotional, not physical. 

I realized then, oh. The anxiety was so strong, it just totally knocks me out entirely. It was likely so bad that I couldn’t even feel it because I’d be asleep already? I’ve always had that a bit with sleep, I’ve needed extra for years (which is common for head trauma). But usually we think of people with anxiety having sleep problems, as in, they are too worked up to sleep. 

These people haven’t necessarily had head trauma. 

For me, I feel like I’ve emerged this week having a new way to recognize anxiety within myself at least. Now, I want to clarify. People with brain issues need more sleep. The sleep helps us to heal. I’m not saying or suggesting that I shouldn’t have slept as much as I did or that a change should be made here. 

I’m more identifying and understanding that I have absolutely been experiencing anxiety so strong, that I couldn’t even feel it, for as I’ve been able to remember. And, with muscular dysfunction and pain...it was like a reinforcement pattern looping over and over again. That knowledge can help me deal and heal for good. 

For instance, in the past, I may have always gone to that concert downtown anyway, but it would have ended in a migraine or my rushing home on the early side to crash into bed asleep. Whereas, yesterday, I had a very different experience. I had the same anxiety going in, but not coming out. 

It’s like it just went away. I was at the concert and could feel the familiar pains in my stomach, back and diaphragm starting. I just focused on my muscular function, keeping proper supportive posture, taking deep breaths and worked to make sure I wasn’t muscularly compensating anywhere. And little by little, the feelings just left. Gone. 

I didn't leave early. I didn’t get a migraine after loud noise and flashing lights. I didn’t have huge digestive problem. I didn’t crash into bed. This was a totally different experience for me. And this is what neuromuscular retraining is all about. 

Now, there’s going to be some work to do as I experience this same sensation, likely across all my environments. But NOW, I have an actual experience of the outcome being different and that is everything. Because I can recognize what is occurring and know that I will be okay on the other side. 

Now, that’s some great hope. 

[brainhelp]

The Necessity of Expression

I’ve spent too many years doing this on my own, keeping all my symptoms to myself or trying to tell people who have no way to understand. I’m finally making some real progress on healing from head trauma and/or brain hemisphere imbalance and thought it was time to start sharing my experiencing with others. 

I should have started this blog a long time ago. There are a lot of other people out there suffering symptoms of brain injury who don’t even know something’s actually wrong with them. Or they may know something’s up but just think they are making too much of it, that’s it’s just emotional, or their symptoms are just part of getting older. They don’t want to appear to be complaining or like they can’t handle things as well as their peers. 

At least, that was me. 

People who know me, pretty well I’d say, don’t even know that I have had head trauma. Partly, because I didn’t realize that’s what it was for so long and never said anything. But also, because I hid my pain for so long. I thought I simply had emotional problems. I worked and worked and worked to manage myself and my “issues” without burdening anyone (not that I didn’t accidentally burden them). 

Techniques and therapy strategies, diet and exercise, alternative and traditional stress management therapies...I had no idea that all this could be, or in my case, was tied to the multiple sports related concussions I’d experienced in youth and young adulthood. 

On top of a likely pre-disposition for brain hemisphere imbalance (I will get into this later in the blog), let’s just say that my symptoms have been really bad for most of my life and I simply had no idea. 

I mean, I’ve always been clumsy or accident prone. Likely to leave the burner on with a paper towel roll nearby or leave the front door wide open when leaving for work (for the record, I did both of those things and completely freaked out a roommate). I was always the person who would leave parties early, borderline in a panic and just crash wildly into bed (which was labeled wrongly as social anxiety). I was the person who would fall asleep in the middle of the day for hours (and whose friends thought this was depression related). 

Of course these weren’t the only symptoms. There were food allergies, respiratory allergies, chronic migraines, consistent weight fluctuation and difficulty in interpersonal relationships. 

I just thought I was crazy, that it was all my fault and did everything in my power to either completely to hide what was happening from others, or if I couldn’t hide, then minimize what I was experiencing. 

I chose jobs where I was the boss and could control my schedule or wasn’t checked up on (in case it was a “bad” day and I needed to manage myself, I’d have the time to). I largely chose to cast a wide net of more superficial friendships that I could easily duck out of for large periods of time and not be noticed. And, in the place of choosing men who could be actual real romantic relationship material, I sort of hid in a pattern of unrequited love (attracted to those who weren’t looking too closely at me so they wouldn’t see). 

Because anyone close to me see that’s things are up. 

In my closest relationships and in my family relationships, I both overshared and under shared, but not in a way that was solving anything. They grew exhausted of hearing about my many issues, various treatments and seemingly no change. I don’t blame them. It seemed like there was a new rare problem every single years for a solid decade. Not knowing what to say or do, the conversation just grows tired and the elephant in the room is just like.. Erin you’re kinda just stuck. 

This is head trauma. And this is what it can do. And this blog is all about normalizing what has felt so abnormal for people who have been dealing with brain issues. The great news, is there are actually far more treatments available than people realize. The brain is amazingly plastic. It changes and heals. 

And I am... I’m healing in spades these days. Things have really changed. I still have issues, but it’s coming around. I have good days and bad days but I’m ready to stop hiding and be honest. 

The best part is... I no longer feel shame about my life or lack of progress in certain areas. There’s nothing to be ashamed about.