Inspiring HRT journeys from Instagram and Tumblr. Estrogen and Testosterone have varying degrees of impact on each trans person, but there’s no denying the influence they have on living our truth. Check out each personal account for more information on their respective transitions.
Watching a movie with my roommate, took a quick snap, just played it back and realized...that laugh at the end...is me. I thought it was on the tv but it's clearly coming from behind the camera. I'm always so self-conscious about my voice and its general tone/deepness, but hearing that made me feel a little more at ease. I think I'm finally out of the awkward teen voice stage.
As is customary for lengthy posts TL;DR:
Somehow injected into my bloodstream, thought I was going to die, it fucking sucked, still sucks, no idea how it happened and no answers so far from a doctor.
I had a really strange experience after my injection last week and, yes I did contact my doctor, but no I haven't heard back from them.
Here's what happened: shot in one of the same alternating places I always do. Right leg, upper quadrant, no bubbles in the syringe, switched needles before injecting, aspirated with no blood coming back in, shot, pulled out and went about my business recapping and cleaning up... then suddenly I felt whoosy and just weird.
My chest and throat started to tighten and I began choking. I jumped up from the chair and had enough time to tell my wife that I couldn't breathe before I couldn't verbally communicate. I leaned against a wall trying to force myself to take in a deep breath but my chest was incredibly tight. My heart was racing so hard I could feel it pounding, my vision was tunneled.
My wife started freaking out because (not that I was concerned about it at all at the time) a good trickle of blood was coming from my injection site. She wanted to call an ambulance but I could remember reading that something like this could happen if you accidentally shot into your bloodstream and even though I still have no idea how that could have happened... I guess it did. So I kept shaking my head no and instead slumped on the ground by the refrigerator forcing myself to breathe and eventually drink water.
In total the entire episode probably only lasted a few minutes with about 45 minutes after of feeling off just from the lack of oxygen.
So like any good citizen of the future I took a warm shower to calm down then did some research online, found some videos and articles about how I had just experienced the exact reaction that would occur if the testosterone had gone directly into my bloodstream, somehow it gets into your lungs and that's what causes the choking. A few days later I was still coughing and feeling a bit tight, because it's still working its way out.
Another bizarre set of side effects: I felt really ragey the day after on and off. Just very, 'hulk smash' for any reason at all. The last couple days I am certain my body has upped the estrogen because I feel bloated and emotionally weird. So... it's an ongoing parade of strange from that one injection that I still can't figure out how I fucked up.
Called my doctor’s office and one nurse told me it must be because I missed my annual in July so I better make an appointment and get a full physical and bloodwork (which take weeks) if I wanted answers. Got a hold of a different nurse later who actually seemed concerned, took down some info and said she would have the doctor call me back. Hasn't happened yet.
Truthfully, those moments when I was choking were terrifying and have made me really apprehensive about my next injection, which is in less than a week. Has anyone else had this happen? Wtf did I do wrong so I can prevent it next time?
Just a little over two months post op and I went out on Halloween in nothing but underwear and a vest. It's better than I could have imagined. It's as close to freedom as I'll ever get, and it's amazing.
Talking about this is partly inspired by @brandonrandy and I’ve been working on it for a while. Long before when I was still wanderinwords. He’s one of very few I’ve seen be open about it. It is not an easy thing to mention let alone talk about in any detail, for me, leastways.
It’s under a cut because it’s extremely personal and dysphoric and I have a few rl friends who follow me and it definitely qualifies for tmi.
I completely agree that I would love to see more descriptions of how trans people experience dysphoria. Not just a simple, "it doesn't match" or some "I'm a bird that can't fly" fluff poetry. I want the real stuff. The moments that really hurt, raw and captured. I think we have a great pool of trans people who make videos, write blogs, or express their feelings about being trans in some medium. Perhaps, we could collectively create this anthology of stories/experiences/real talk and stream it together before the end of the year. I'm talking a full-length documentary to submit to LGBT film festivals. To really get the words out there. I'm on board if you are @queerestbird. I'm ready for submissions and a co-director.
I think there’s some part of me that still feels the way I did when I was a kid. Like, one day the powers that be are going to realize the mistake that happened with my body and just correct it. I’ll wake up and it will be fixed. The injustice amended. I like to believe there’s no way I’m going to die like this...that at some point I’ll have the opportunity to feel what it’s like to live the way I was supposed to, but so far that childhood dream has remained a dream, and I’m yet to discover the magic that will make my body whole before I leave this world.
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