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can anyone explain to me how Nacho's father had been in the dark about him being a drug dealer, even though Nacho's house is nicer than anything anyone I know would be able to afford? Does Nacho just never tell his dad where he lives, and his dad just doesn't ever ask him, or want to go over to his house ever? Because a dad as loving as Manuel would be very concerned if his son refused to give him his address.

notcapableofbeingtheguy

JESSE’S TRANSFORMATION AS RESPONSE TO TRAUMA— SEEKING JUSTICE

“If you just do stuff and nothing happens... what's it all mean? What's the point?" --4x07, Problem Dog

(Main Post)

Jesse is transformed over the course of the show by the trauma of witnessing and participating in violent death, usually of relative innocents. First Combo (not strictly an innocent, but fairly harmless). Then Jane. Gale. Drew Sharp. Andrea. Not to mention all the unnamed character deaths— or the violent beatings and torture he receives himself—or the poisoning of Brock.

Seeing all this senseless violence, this death that is largely unnecessary— or if it was necessary (like with Gale, who Jesse in some sense had to kill to save himself and Walt), was unearned by the victim— shatters Jesse’s sense of a world order. We all carry some sense that things happen for a reason, that good actions are rewarded, and bad actions are punished. Jesse loses this sense that the world is just, and has to learn to cope with an unjust, disordered world.

He copes by imposing reasons behind all this senseless violence, to put sense and order back into the world. And eventually, he seeks to restore justice to an unjust world, by working to punish those he blames for the violence around him— Hank (for Jesse’s brutal beating), Gus’s men (for Combo’s death), Gus himself (for, he believes, Brock’s poisoning), Todd (for Drew Sharp’s death, and for Andrea’s), and eventually Walt (for, uh, EVERYTHING). This is his vengeful side, that often gets him into trouble. He is vengeful without thinking, and with an impulsive violence that can sometimes make things worse (e.g. going after Combo’s killers, eventually causing him to have to kill Gale). I label this the negative manifestation of Jesse’s pursuit of justice, because it begets more violence rather than truly fixing the problem, even if we as an audience may sometimes agree that certain characters (like, say, Todd or Walt) deserve Jesse’s wrath.

The more positive, or at least more nuanced (and definitely, to me, more interesting), manifestation of Jesse’s pursuit of justice, is when he turns that eye for justice upon himself. In looking for reasons behind his traumatic experiences, Jesse often blames himself. As much as he might blame someone else for the deaths around him, he still ultimately always takes some responsibility upon himself— he put Combo on that corner, he broke Jane’s sobriety, he (obviously) shot Gale. He went into this business of collateral damage, leading to Drew Sharp’s death, and, really, all the harm that has come to him and those around him. He loved Andrea. Jesse feels a terrible, unbearable remorse, which only builds throughout the show.

I label this the more positive manifestation, because I think it is one of Jesse’s most redeeming and endearing qualities. While Walt keeps doing more and more evil actions, carefree, Jesse is truly haunted by his bad behavior— he really cares. But, in terms of impact, this isn’t actually strictly a good thing— it doesn’t always lead to improved behavior for Jesse (as we might think true remorse would). Often, it leads him to not care about his own wellbeing, because he sees himself as a bad person— leading him to relentless partying and drug use. And in the wake of Jane’s death, Jesse arguably becomes a worse person— dealing meth to his rehab group, seemingly uncaringly. I think this is because of just what Jesse says to Walt in No Mas: he accepts that he is the bad guy. If he is to blame for Jane’s death, he must be an irredeemably bad person. So he embraces this, and spirals further down. But, eventually, his sense of justice breaks through this, and he rejects this twisted rehab philosophy of acceptance— if there are no consequences for Jesse’s bad actions, no justice, then really, there’s still no order to the world, still no sense. This is what he means when he says to his rehab group: if you just do stuff and nothing happens, what does it all mean, what’s the point?

So what is Jesse meant to do with this remorse? How can he make things right?

That’s the big question of the series for Jesse. He tries quitting the business. He tries giving away all his money. He tries, throughout the series, protecting children and other innocents, as a way to make up for what he has done. You could argue he even tries penance, taking his time in the neo nazi prison as punishment for his past sins. And he definitely tries vengeance— like if he can just take down Walt, it might make everything alright. In the end, though, I’m not sure any of this satisfies Jesse’s sense of remorse. With all that he’s done, all that has gone wrong, would could possibly set the world right again?

Maybe, nothing.

Jesse’s ending, in El Camino, is about freeing himself from seeking justice. Letting go of vengeance, letting go of self-abusing remorse, and instead accepting the world as it is. But unlike in the wake of Jane’s death, he accepts his actions as bad, rather than himself, making this acceptance less about defeatism and more about responsibility. He says to his parents: “whatever happened with me, it’s on me... nobody else.” He takes responsibility— refusing to blame anyone else and breaking his cycle of vengeance (with a little last explosion, as a treat). But he doesn’t let that responsibility destroy him. He accepts himself as he is and his past as it has happened, and allows himself the gift of surviving and starting over.

And I truly believe that in giving himself that permission, freeing himself from the terrible responsibility of setting the world right— Jesse might not only heal from his trauma, but also become a better person. Don’t you?

notcapableofbeingtheguy

HANK’S TRANSFORMATION AS REACTION TO TRAUMA— DECENTER THE SELF

“I think the universe is trying to tell me something and I’m finally ready to listen.”— 3x07, One Minute

(Main Post)

To understand how Hank’s trauma transforms him over the course of the show, let’s start by thinking about what Hank is like at the beginning of the show.

At the beginning of the show, Hank is the picture of toxic masculine arrogance. In the Pilot, Walt envies Hank for his power and confidence. Hank is cool, successful, manly, and everything Walt feels he is not. But we as the audience see how Hank’s ego is hurtful to those around him: he is callous, racist, misogynistic, and focuses more on the power involved in his job (the ~thrill of the bust~) than his potential to do good. What we don’t yet see, initially, though— and what it takes a great deal of trauma to reveal to Hank— is how his masculine arrogance, his obsession with himself, is also hurtful to himself.

Over the course of the first 2 and a half seasons, Hank experiences several traumatic incidents of witnessing and inflicting violent injury and death. First, Hank kills Tuco in a shoot out. Then he witnesses the tortoise explosion in El Paso. And he reacts to this trauma by engaging in increasingly reckless violent behavior— starting with bar fights, and ending with his brutal beating of Jesse.

Why does Hank react in this way? I believe it’s because, up until his beating of Jesse, Hank’s ego prevents him from properly coping with his PTSD. Hank is shaken by the violent incidents he is involved with in the field— exhibiting clear symptoms of PTSD. He has panic attacks and insomnia and startles at loud noises. Hank interprets all this as his mind and body failing him, failing to live up to his idea of a proper man and a proper cop. To accept that he has PTSD, that he has reacted to these situations emotionally, rather than brushing these violent instances off like a Real ManTM, would be to totally shatter his image of himself. So, he doesn’t accept this. When Walt suggests Hank talk to a therapist upon returning from El Paso, Hank immediately rejects the idea, saying “[if you] start going down that road, [you can] kiss your career goodbye” (2x 08, Better Call Saul). He has so built himself up in his own mind, that he believes if he admits any weakness, he will lose everything— his job, the respect of his wife and friends, himself. He won’t confront his trauma, and he won’t confront his reaction to it, and he certainly won’t confront how his natural reaction to the trauma makes him feel (frustrated, humiliated).

So he turns the anger and frustration he has with himself and his failing mind and body outwards. He is violent and reckless. In episode 3x03, I.F.T, Hank has a panic attack in a bar bathroom, from thinking about the possibility of being sent back to El Paso. And then he proceeds to pick a fight with two other patrons, under the guise of DEA business, but clearly actually because he needs to outlet his rage and panic. And Hank’s reaction is even worse when he believes Marie has been hurt (after Saul places the false call in Sunset). He is first thrown into a panic, and then into an uncontrollable rage— leading him to brutally beat Jesse. But this turns out to be the turning point for Hank, the moment when he truly, authentically changes in response to his trauma.

Let’s focus in on the brief moment in between Hank’s beating of Jesse, and his grueling near death experience with The Twins. The crucible moment when Hank’s transformation as I have described it— his decentering of the self— begins. This moment is actually one episode, and it’s one of my favorites: 3x07, One Minute. In beating Jesse as he did— blatantly outside of the boundaries of his job, Hank realizes he has gone too far. This violence touches his personal life— he fears for Marie’s life, and reacts by beating a civilian as a civilian— and so it is harder to make excuses for it as just another part of being in the DEA. Hank knows what he did was wrong. And this is (forgive the metaphor) the Jenga piece that makes the whole pile topple. He finally admits to himself (and to Marie) that “ever since that Salamanca thing” he’s been “unraveling.” He admits that his shooting of Tuco and the El Paso incident are the reasons for his violent and wrong behavior— that they have damaged him. He finally admits that he has been traumatized, and he has reacted to it poorly.

And after admitting this, Hank does something incredible. Something unprecedented in terms of who we have seen him to be previously in the show. He admits fault, he takes responsibility, and he quits the DEA. We see Hank truly and honestly humbled— he admits to both his weaknesses and his wrongdoings, with an unparalleled level of grace and self-awareness. He starts to become a better, more honest, more responsible, less arrogant person. He even weeps openly in front of Marie. This episode is Hank’s high point of the series, in terms of integrity and strength of character.

But then, oh then, there is fresh trauma for Hank.

Hank’s violent injury at the hands of The Twins, and his grueling recovery, hammer home even harder the fears and insecurities Hank had when his trauma was just emotional. Hank’s injury brings him to his lowest point— he is bed-bound, unemployed, and needs his wife’s help to take a shit. Everything Hank was feeling before— about the failure of his mind and body to live up to his masculine ideals— comes back with a vengeance.

And this does continue to humble Hank in the positive sense I described above. I believe that the incredible detective work that Hank is able to do in seasons 4 and 5 is enabled by this increased humility. I think it’s very apt when Hank says, in One Minute, “the universe is trying to tell me something and I’m finally ready to listen.” Hank’s strokes of investigative genius — first those that lead him to Gus Fring, and then the pivotal revelation that Walt is Heisenberg— could well be described as him simply listening to the universe, in a way he wasn’t ready to before. Gus had primed the DEA to never suspect him with his cop-loving act, but Hank was able to get outside of that bias and make that mental leap when all the other officers refused to believe it. He listened to what the evidence told him. And, though you could argue that Hank finding Gale’s book in Walt’s bathroom was purely random, I think Hank’s willingness to even consider Walt as a potential Heisenberg (let alone to extrapolate that possibility from a set of initials and a visually identified handwriting match on a random book) shows significant growth. There are countless moments before that in the series of incredible dramatic irony, where the idea of Walt as a drug dealer would occur to Hank, and he would immediately dismiss them as ludicrous. Because, of course, if Walt were a criminal, Hank would have to be an idiot to have been fooled by him for so long. There was a barrier of ego that was keeping Hank from considering that possibility. And only when it was removed, was Hank ready to listen to what the universe revealed to him.

But, the effects of Hank’s injury on him are not all positive.

Hank is brought SO low, and is SO humbled by his injury, that it moves to the point of humiliation. And he reacts to this by turning his attention away from himself and towards his fanatic obsessions. He decenters himself, by centering his whole life on something else. First there are, of course, his minerals. Then, he becomes obsessed with taking down Gus Fring. Then, finally, he becomes obsessed with taking down Walt.

This fanaticism is bad for Hank. His fanatic obsession with minerals almost destroys his marriage. His legally dubious pursuit of Gus Fring threatens his fragile career (and, unbenknownst to him, puts him on Gus’s hit list). And his fanatic pursuit of Walt eventually leads to his death. This fanaticism goes so wrong for Hank because, I would argue, fanatic external obsession ignores the self, where true humility accepts the self in all its flaws. Think back to Hank’s humble behavior following his beating of Jesse. Hank actually thought a lot about himself— he analyzed the patterns of behavior he’d had since his encounter with Tuco, admitted to his weaknesses, and took responsibility for his actions. He deflated his ego by taking a look at himself honestly, rather than by refusing to look at himself at all. But, after his injury, this is just what Hank does— refuses to examine himself, instead spending all his energy on something else. And that turns out to be Hank’s fatal flaw.

If Hank had examined himself instead of buying so many minerals, he would have seen he was ashamed of his physical disability and was taking that anger out on his wife. And he could have rectified that much sooner. If Hank had examined himself instead of relentlessly investigating Gus Fring, he would have seen that he was going back to the same type of crooked police work that he previously realized he was doing and quit the force because of. And he could have conducted his investigation more safely and ethically. If Hank had examined himself instead of fanatically pursuing Walt, he would have seen that he was furious with himself for failing to see Walt was Heisenberg sooner, and felt a need to redeem himself. And then maybe he would have been humble enough to ask for help from other DEA agents instead of going it on his own. And maybe, he would have survived.

Ironically, Hank’s attempts to think less about himself and his problems, actually ended up letting those problems rule his life.

Hank’s story is, in the end, a tragedy. We see the kind of positive growth Hank is capable of. His reaction to his trauma— the way he uses it to become a better person, husband, and detective— is often inspiring. By season 5, because of this growth, Hank arguably becomes the hero of the show. But, painfully, he isn’t able to grow quite enough. His ego remains involved in his detective work— though this time in the opposite direction (he frantically tries to ignore himself, rather than inflating himself, but this ends up involving him too much in his work nonetheless). And this, among the various sins of other characters, leads to Hank’s death. Which is so painful to see, because we know what Hank was capable of in terms of self-reflection, growth, and integrity. We know what he fell short of.

the #parallel between the episode after jane’s death, where walt is anxiously (I’m assuming????) awaiting jesse’s phone call in the morning, he’s holding Holly and looking out the window to the pool, vs. gliding over all where walt again wakes up early anticipating a phone call about something he’s orchestrated upon unsuspecting people, but this time he’s smug and feels powerful, and he’s not holding Holly because skyler sent her and flynn to live with the schraders

notcapableofbeingtheguy

brba-tattoos

Walts father died when he was young and he had the opportunity to see mike as a fatherly figure and work with him instead of against him but he didn’t and it lead to everyone’s downfall

In all the rewatches I’ve done, I’ve never realized the giant plothole that is the pollos manager. Not only is she conscientious enough to have heavily complied with the DEA’s investigation during early s5, she had every reason to describe walt to the police as a possible suspect. Walt asked her in more than one episode to get Gus for him, he even told her his own name, and its very possible she remembered it because soon after announcing who he was, he barged into Gus’ office. (I’m actually surprised she didn’t call the police on him after that, she probably called gus and told him what happened and gus told her not to worry about it)

I’m glad Cynthia didn’t get dragged into Walt’s business, but it seems like the logical fix for this loose end would have been Walt hearing Hank mention that he was meeting with a few Pollos workers who think they noticed some suspicious characters. He’d visit all of them and pay them off to keep their mouths shut, and they would all agree to the deal except for Cynthia, and Walt would be forced to kill her. That scene definitely would have fit in with the tone of the show, but the last two seasons don’t really have room for another “it’s either them or me” from walt. Another tie-up would be a throwaway line about how Hank was trying to track down the old manager, but he thinks she skipped town out of fear for her safety, and they stopped looking for her because they investigated her enough to know that she was working in a completely above-the-books fashion.

#Breaking Bad

raptorific

My favorite part of Breaking Bad is that they have multiple scenes where Walt is given reliable promises that his cancer treatments will be paid for in full and that even if he does die his family will always be provided for financially and he says “no I don’t want those things unless I personally cooked the drugs that paid for them” and somehow still the audience decided to pretend he was doing the meth thing to pay for his cancer treatment or make sure his family didn’t go hungry when he was gone

raptorific

“breaking bad is a commentary on the healthcare system and how it drives people to desperate measures just to survive without bankrupting their family” nah breaking bad has absolutely nothing to say about the state of the American healthcare system and it goes out of its way to tell you, the audience, that this is how Walt reacts in a best-case healthcare scenario, where his treatment is 100% free and he’s been promised his family will be taken care of in his absence by someone with the financial security to make such a promise. Breaking Bad is a commentary on the Man Sad About His Unimpressive Penis system and how it drives men to turn away help they desperately need, at the expense of their own health and the safety of their loved ones, in favor of a one-in-a-million shot being okay without that help, because it makes them feel like a Big Boy with an Adequate Penis

hgedits

Better Call Saul Season 4 + The Onion

Walt’s selfishness is obviously the centerpeice of the show, and every time I watch it I can’t believe how early on the writers demonstrated how twisted Walt’s perspective is because of his pride- He tells his family that Gretchen and Elliot are paying for his treatment but instead he cooks meth to pay for it. For most people, being too proud to accept charity and being too proud to tell people they’re accepting charity go hand in hand. But Walt really only cares about himself, it doesn’t bother him that his family thinks he’s letting “Daddy Warbucks” pay for his treatment, as long as he has the peace of mind knowing that he’s the one earning the money.

#breaking bad

noah fence but where the fuq is my buff son nacho varga?????

I love better call Saul, but there are so many scenes that take way longer than they need to. Like Mike inspecting his car. That scene dragged on so gotdamn long, but I feel like it could have been cut down to a minute or so. Other than that, great ep last night!

#bcs