Breaking Deeper

[breakingdeeper]

Does anybody like the sad girl with digestive problems? Where are the poets who obsess over the rbf girls? The ones who are pretty… depressed and forget to wash their hair? The ones who cry for no reason or cant get off the couch?

[breakingdeeper]

I’m in love with you.

I wish you knew that.

[breakingdeeper]

I keep pushing down thoughts

Like balloons in a swimming pool.

You could keep one below water pretty easy,

Sitting on it and chatting with your friends

Like it’s not there.

But it is.

You could hold two below the surface.

It would be tricky, but sort of silly,

Taking a little more attention.

As the number rises, you find

That you can think of nothing else

But repressing,

And all your mental energy

All your attention

All you have

Is spent on keeping all those thoughts

Below the surface.

Someone paint me a picture.

I’m floating on my back,

And I’m letting all my balloons rise around me,

And they are floating away.

And I welcome back clarity and peace,

A breeze, which blows my thoughts away.

[breakingdeeper]

Yoga With Adriene - Center Day 1

There were tears

And I’m grateful.

Each salty drop

Is a release.

I’m letting go

And tuning in.

[breakingdeeper]

How do we live

With the intensity of longing?

Faith that the fervor

Will soon subside.

Surrender to the romance

Of deep desire.

That we can write a poem

To express the passion

Brings catharsis

In the midst of cathexis.

c. jean

[breakingdeeper]

My first time stringing popcorn and cranberries, and it’s easier than I thought, and it makes me wonder why I equate new with difficult. I want to #trynewthings more often in my life, and stop living in fear of failure. You might wonder, how can someone fail at stringing popcorn and cranberries together? I have quite the imagination. https://www.instagram.com/p/Cmed6ueOoQAkVTKkGo8aqYeb1hJaPss9RlXqNU0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[breakingdeeper]

[breakingdeeper]

Hard work. But so worth it. #howtomeetyourself #meetyourselfmornings https://www.instagram.com/p/CmZes0duJB2Jpm3fRAUCp566Mgxh6AhJIUC8Z00/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[quotemadness]

“Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways.”

— Glennon Doyle Melton

[remanence-of-love]

[metamorphesque]

— Natalie Diaz, Manhattan Is a Lenape Word

[breakingdeeper]

[89words]

“I wait and ache. I think I have been healing.”

— Sylvia Plath

[breakingdeeper]

Okay.

Alright.

I’m done.

I’m ready for this whole depression thing to just pack it’s bags and move on.

It’s about time, right?

It’s been a few years.

I’ve done all the things.

I’ve been to therapy.

I’ve made big life changes.

I’ve tried doing what feels right and doing what I think is best even when it doesn’t feel right.

I took the meds.

I stopped taking the meds.

I exercised.

I slept.

I ate better food.

I read the books and listened to the podcasts.

I ate chocolate and macaroni and cheese.

I sat on the couch watching Netflix.

I tried to push through the slump and I let the slump climb in bed with me.

I thought about it till my brain felt like it was bleeding

I’ve talked about it till I felt sick hearing my own voice.

I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Because if I’m sick of hearing myself complain, I’m sure everyone else is.

So what now?

[breakingdeeper]

I’m just really dreading the next… 50 to 60 years.

[breakingdeeper]

Tonight I’m lonely and empty.

And I cannot tell a soul.

Because I’m “young and free and have my whole life ahead”

Because I’m on the edge of change and new adventures.

But I feel like Ada Blackjack, living alone in the Arctic, bored to death with taking selfie’s and fighting off polar bears all alone.

And ultimately getting nothing for the trouble. Doing the hard work alone. And then getting back and doing the hard work alone.

No one wants to hear that I’m not doing well when everything is going the way I wanted. Because after a while they just get tired of hearing me complain. I’m not fighting polar bears anymore. Just trying to pay the bills and survive.

I’m so tired of being alone all the time.

[breakingdeeper]

ups

The and

downs

are

all

I

know.

Finding b a l a n c e seems

improbable

Finding j o y

impossible