saved

[breathingbykatebush]

it’s September the first nd I wanna die nd i self harmed nd last psychiatrist meeting tmr ever nd I’m ready so I can just go and die but will I die will I actually go kill myself for good or reason myself out or fail nd go into a shitty semi vegetative state

[breathingbykatebush]

it’s october the second nd my psych is seeing me again and i am ready to kms why am i not dead

[breathingbykatebush]

it’s november the fourth and i was meant to get in touch w my psych a month ago and i have not gained any clarity or will to live, nor have i tried to do anything productive at all. i want to die and feel like a f a ilure for not killing myself.

[breathingbykatebush]

it’s january the sixth ! i am alive and seeing my psych in april, i am actively trying to live , i still want to kms but it’s less intense

[breathingbykatebush]

it’s september 11, saw my psych for the last time 2 days ago and i am actively living and i still don’t see the point in life and sometimes want to kms but i am trying , i am trying

[breathingbykatebush]

it’s january the sixth ! i am alive and on the waiting list for psych intervention my mum said i could go private but idk i feel conflicted and overwhelmed by the prospect of living and slightly scared and lazy , i don’t know if i wanna kms or not o

[breathingbykatebush]

April 11 2020 . i am alive , no psych interventions . i want to live if only to help n reduce suffering . have not had passive suicidal thoughts in, gosh maybe over a year? pms may still bring out some, but in general i’m living ! might start doing some active interventions for better headspace but i’m being gentle with myself i think .

[breathingbykatebush]

october 11 2020

i’m alive and aching with anxiety and dread and i don’t really have many passive suicidal thoughts but violent suicidal thoughts are starting to seep in

[breathingbykatebush]

july 2025

in couples counselling. saw psychologist last over two yrs ago. not on any meds. suicidal ideation creeping in over past 3 months, flashes of violence n a passive creeping. not as intense as it has been before. and now i have an ulterior motive for living pre suicide.

[breathingbykatebush]

i wanna *** i wanna *** i wanna ***

[fragile-dyke]

thinking about the other day when she first pushed inside me and i was having a little bit of pain and needed her to hold still for a second and then go slowly. and she did, she was gentle just like i needed, giving me time to adjust while i closed my eyes and breathed into her neck. but as i started to feel more comfortable and i pulled back to look at her, i realized that her self control was hanging by a thread. she was looking at me like an attack dog looks at an intruder, fighting against its every impulse while waiting for its master to give the kill command. knowing that i hold her leash, while at the same time knowing that that leash is thin and could snap at any moment, made me feel like i’d died and gone to heaven. simultaneously so powerful that i could get a god to treat me with care just by asking nicely and so powerless to stop her if her self control breaks and she decides to rip me apart. i realize that the dog metaphor and the god metaphor are blurring together here but you get the point

[breathingbykatebush]

Oh my god I love him I feel so much love for him this feeling is transitory and it’s in the midst of social pressure to be married to someone safe and it’s understandable I feel a lot of love for him and I don’t want to ruin the friendship we have and I have decided I am not going to message him so here I am posting this on this tumblr I love u I love u I love u I want to have kids with i I want to build a life with u I think we’d be really great life partners I think we’d have a chill life u make existence tolerable I feel safe with u

[angelic-nsfw]

Loving degradation

“You’re such a pretty mess for me”

“It’s adorable how much of a slut for me you are”

“I love it when you get this dumb”

“Aw you’re wet already? How cute”

“You’re so pretty when you’re desperate”

[breathingbykatebush]

Why did I wake up feeling aaaangry u ask

Out of control w love life situation. Angry at myself for hurting her. For not knowing how to handle it. Upset at her for not understanding me. For saying cruel words. A bit resentful at family for not teaching me how to deal with emotions. That’s how I feel. It’s not fair probs but Yh. That’s how I feel.

Out of control w family ! WRT to parents, gender

Helpless w sis

Angry at my dad still. For what? For displaying anger at us for so many years. For cheating on my mum and letting us down by sleeping w k.

Angry at him / the family for how they dealt with it and refuses to talk about it.

What is anger? A feeling. What does it feel like? Hot. Sizzling. Bursting. Like Vincent when he bursts thruuu playing the violin and destroys everything. It’s in my eyes it’s in my hands it’s in rhe back of my head. It’s in my chest. It’s a feeling. Fight or flight and I mean fight.

Behaviour :

Feeling in fight mode can be fun and energising but also leads to being more out of control.

What behaviours do u find urself acting out when it happens ? Lack of patience. Quips. Wanting to destroy everything around me.

When u feel it what are u thinking?

Fuck everyone.

I am unloved. - I don’t get attention/taken seriously.

Nobody cares about me.

Everyone is selfish.

I am a bad person.

It’s fun to hurt / destroy things. You’ll feel better if u release it.

I’m better to die and not cause hurt.

Id I was dead I couldn’t hurt anyone.

Scared of the anger and what it’ll do to relationships.

How many of those things do u believe.

I think u get a rush but u feel worse after.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you’ve caused harm in that instance and you’re thinking about it a lot. Everyone is not selfish like how can that be true. All of these are very catastrophishing. U care about ppl. Yeah? Not as much rn but yeah.

[breathingbykatebush]

Here I am nighttime alone alone wanting desperately to create something giving no space to create staring at this ducking device wanting to feel secure and safe wanting drive and purpose wanting to feel looked after . Creature fear

[breathingbykatebush]

Going to acknowledge feelings. N go to sleep.

[breathingbykatebush]

Feeling: bit angry bit upset bit rejected . Bit apathetic like it’s fine u know things happen. No need to go overboard. But I guess feelings r feelings. N it’s how we react to them. Sigh.

[breathingbykatebush]

Feeling : anxiety , bit out of control , bit chaotic. Bit sleepy bit hopeful.

[anarchblr]

Do you know any resources that are good to study the USSR from an anarchist perspective?

Camillo Berneri Dictatorship of the Proletariat and State Socialism 5th November, 1936 Article which appeared in 'Guerra di Class' No 4, 5th

Camillo Berneri State, Class and bureaucracy in the USSR 17th October 1936 Article which appeared in 'Guerra di Class' No.2 of 17th October

Anarchist Analysis of The Russian Revolution September 30, 2018

Alexander Berkman The Bolshevik Myth (Diary 1920–22) 1925 The Bolshevik Myth, New York, Boni and Liveright, 1925.

Alexander Berkman The Kronstadt Rebellion 1922

Emma Goldman Living My Life 1931 New York, Alfred A Knopf Inc., 1931.

Emma Goldman My Disillusionment in Russia 1923 Some chapters are from Dana Ward’s copy of Emma Goldman’s My Disillusionment in Russia, New Y

Emma Goldman My Further Disillusionment in Russia 1924 Garden City, NY: Doubleday, Page and company, 1924

Emma Goldman There Is No Communism in Russia 1935 Scanned from Red Emma Speaks: An Emma Goldman Reader, third edition, compiled and edited b

CrimethInc. The Russian Counterrevolution 11th May 2018

[anarchblr]

Alexander Berkman What Is Communist Anarchism? 1929 This book has other editions which have been published under different titles such as No

Ida Mett The Kronstadt Commune 1938 Original title: “La Commune de Cronstadt” Published: Paris 1938. First published in English by Solidarit

Alexander Berkman The Russian Tragedy (A Review and An Outlook) 1922

Nestor Makhno The Struggle Against the State and Other Essays edited by Alexandre Sirda, translated by Paul Sharkey, published by AK Press i

Nestor Makhno The Russian Revolution in Ukraine (March 1917 — April 1918) 1926 Published by Black Cat Press, Edmonton 2007. English translat

Voline The Unknown Revolution, 1917–1921. Book Three. Struggle for the Real Social Revolution 1947

[weirdlandtv]

How to Build a Better Graveyard: Mike Mignola.

[art-res]

A great post for spooky season!

[breathingbykatebush]

I miss wyn n feeling secure and like somebody loved me ahhhhhhhh

[breathingbykatebush]

So many sounds making me anx as fuck. Like a curtain rustles or someone moves n I’m Tense HR raised. Tired. Ppl say u need space for emotions. Space for emotions. But when? Idk. Have been avoiding feeling suic until now bc I knew I wasn’t gna act on it. Now I think maybe it’s time? But also I don’t want to hurt anyone. I think maybe it’ll be time after this placement ?tired.

[breathingbykatebush]

nearly eight years since I tried. Eight fuckin years. in the flesh was over eight years ago. Idk how id handle it if I watched it pre attempt.

[breathingbykatebush]

Honestly jus happy to be s***cidal in peace

[breathingbykatebush]

i would like to smash my skull into teenytiny bits