My thoughts on having depression
One of my biggest annoyances is when people always say they are depressed every time they are sad. I guess in a way it makes light of something I've been struggling with for years.
I never really talk about my depression to people. I mostly admit that I have it and leave it at that. But recently, I have started to realize how much having depression effects my life. And I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone reads this, but it is therapeutic for me to get it out.
Having depression has to be one of the most annoying things a person can deal with. And people don't always seem to realize that there is a difference between being sad and being depressed. It's like this awful weight on you all the time, and you are desperate to just feel normal. Even if just for a moment. You physically can't get out of bed because you're constantly so tired. I remember in high school my mother had to literally pull me out of bed and walk me to the bathroom in the morning. And you can't eat. The thought of eating makes you want to throw up. Then your body can't take it anymore and you feel dizzy, and nauseated all the time.
Then there's the look people give you. When you fall apart because you just can't hold anything in anymore. You see it in their eyes. They look at you like you are about to completely break; like something is wrong with you. The worst part is wanting so badly to explain to people that you are not insane. However, justifying your sanity while freaking out doesn't hold much credibility. I honestly just want someone to be there and not say anything. Because nothing you can say is necessarily going to fix what is going on in my head.
I'm not crazy. I had a therapist tell me something I have always refer back to. She said "you are not depressed, depression is something you have, not who you are." This has always been important to me.
Another thing people don't seem to grasp is just because someone has depression, doesn't mean they are depressed all the time. I personally go years between my bouts of depression. I tell people I have it and they give me the crazy person look. Like at any moment they could say something and I'll go and jump off of a cliff! That truly annoys me. Not all people who have depression are suicidal, but thank you for making me feel even worse.
There's a song I love and one of the lines is "there's beauty in the breakdown." I think there is nothing more raw than falling apart, and trusting God that it will all somehow be ok. The moments I am depressed bring me so much closer to God. I had a slight panic attack at work today, and all I could do was repeatedly ask God to help me. Then later on I had this overwhelming sense of calm come over me. Religion is something I've struggled with for a while. But I can't shake the feeling that he gave me what I asked for, if only for a short while.
I used to hate God for giving me depression. Of all the things I could have gotten, depression is last on my list. I remember being on and off of medication. When I was on it I got so jealous that other people could feel normal without a pill and I couldn't. But depression has taught me so much. I feel emotions both good and bad on such an intense level. And I have grown and matured so much as a human being. You never really know what you can handle until you are put through it. I'm so much stronger than I ever knew I was. After all, I moved to California by myself and left everything and everyone I knew behind. Somehow I'm still here.
I guess what set all of this rambling off was the need to somehow justify depression to both myself and other people. Or maybe it was because tonight someone gave me the "you're crazy" look and I just couldn't take it anymore.
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