Weāre still a little over 10 months away from our wedding, so weāre in the early stages of planning. So far we have our ceremony venue, photographer, videographer, and caterer all lined up and ready to go. Weāre now waiting for a possible reception venue to contact us with a quote. Waiting for vendors to call back has so far been the most frustrating part of the planning process! We had one venue tell us they would contact us by the end of the weekā¦3 weeks ago! And another that weāve been waiting about 2 weeks for an answer from, and weāve followed up with them twice. This is madness! Iām not sure if itās because itās wedding season now or what, but one would think that venues would treat prospective customers a little better!
We got our Save the Date cards a couple days ago, and Iām super excited about how they turned out! We had our engagement photos done about a month ago, and I used one of the photos to create Save the Date cards in Photoshop. One great thing about being design-savy is that we can save money on having invitations made for us. We just have to pay for printing. I love looking at sites like Minted.com for inspiration, and I absolutely love all of their designs. Their Save the Date cards will run you $1.98 per card if you buy 100. We used Overnightprints.com and uploaded our own design, and we only paid $.40 per card! Minted is a great option if you would like to spend a little more money on your invitations (they have matching Save the Dates, invitations, envelopes, RSVP cards, and more...so cute!), but if you or your fiance are good with graphic design, you might want to consider making your own and having them printed for a cheaper price. Also, you may have a family member or friend who would like to design them for you! Just make sure you take them out to lunch to thank them ;)Ā
We also bought some envelopes to match our wedding color--mint green! I found a great website called Paper-papers.com where I got 250 A5 envelopes for less than $35! (Iāll be able to use them for both the Save the Date cards and the invitations!) They make envelopes of all sizes, so Iām considering buying the smaller envelopes from the same site to send with the invitations for guests to send back their rsvp cards. Iāll be posting photos all of these items once the wedding is over and I have several cute matching papers to put together! We may even have our photographer take a shot of our Save the Date, invitation, RSVP, and wedding program together with some of our wedding decorations.
Although planning a wedding is stressful, I have fun finding great deals on things we want to buy, and of course I enjoy creating graphics for our WEDDING. How exciting is that?!?! Iāll be posting more as more exciting things happen!
What couples fight about behind closed doorsāand how to address it.
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Studies have shown that sex and money are two of the leading causes for divorce, but statistics donāt always tell the whole story. We reached out to a handful of top relationship therapists to find out what the #1 problem they come across in couples. And believe it or not, neither sex nor money came up once.
Of course, relationships are complex and complicated, and no two marriages are the same. But each expert immediately rattled off a super commonāand often extremely reparableāissue they see arise again and again and again.
Whether youāre a year into matrimonial bliss or celebrating a decade of wedlock, youāll benefit big-time from this romance wisdom. In fact, you donāt even have to be hitched to learn a thing or two about love.
Youāre Bad at Communicating
āThe number one problemāthough I prefer the word challengeāin marriage is indeed effective communication,ā said psychotherapist Laura Young. āThis includes how to argue with your spouse and not threaten to leave the relationship during a fight, as well as how to recognizeāperhaps rememberāthat the annoying behaviors you feel are now intolerable have probably always been there. Perhaps you even felt they were adorable at one point.ā
Although communicating better is the kind of thing you can learn, knowing how to do it in a more effective way is even easier if itās done from the start of the relationship. āIn the past few months, Iāve seen a significant increase in folks seeking pre-marital therapy, which is so encouraging,ā said Young. āAt the beginning, both partners are more willing to discuss their differences and openly explore how they can increase their awareness as well as acceptance that they balance each other out. Married couples who have gotten hardwired in their dance of hurtfulness can, sadly, become so myopic that they would rather be right than happy.ā
You're Not Having Enough Fun Together
When youāve been with someone for so long, the definition of date night inevitably loses its meaning. After all, the two of you Seamless and Netflix and pound away on your laptops side-by-side almost every night. Surely that counts? Spoiler: Sorry, it doesnāt.
āCouples spend too much time on the ābusinessā of being a married couple and not enough time staying connected, having fun together,ā said therapist Lauren Urban-Colacicco. āIn order for a relationship to continue to be successful, itās necessary to foster the romantic and emotional connection between partners. Dates are extremely important, as trite as it sounds.ā
You're Too Busy
āCouples time-starve their relationships,ā said psychotherapist and marriage counselor Jean Fitzpatrick. āAfter the initial intense experience of being in love, they don't recognize that their marriage needs nurturing. They let it run on autopilot and eventually start bickering a lot, or get bored with each other, or intimacy disappears, or someone has an affair.ā
Itās crucial to make time for your marriage just like you make time for, say, exercise. Think of it as an investment for your healthābecause honestly, it is. āThereās nothing intrinsically bad about work or children or socializing or devices, but couples need to put their relationship on their calendar. They need daily rituals of connection and regular, meaningful and fun couple times.ā
Youāre InsensitiveāOr Too Sensitive
Feelings get hurt. It happens! But if itās not handled well, the resentment and anger manifests, and suddenly, you realize youāve been silent-treatmenting each other for three days.
āWhat comes up a lot is someone misunderstanding the other personās motive,ā said marriage and sex therapist Dr. Jane Greer. āOne person will say something or do something that in no way is intended to be antagonistic or hostile, and yet, whateverās said or done is interpreted as thoughtless or hurtful. When the other person reacts in anger, the person who said or did it is immediately confounded and bewildered, and launches into an explanationāwhich only digs them into a deeper hole.ā
Whether or not you feel like you did anything wrong, Greer says it's important to express empathy for your partner's bruised feelings. āIf your partner is upset by something, your default reply has to be, 'Iām sorry that's how you feel,'ā says Greer. āIf they feel like they didn't do anything wrong, 99 out of 100 people feel no reason to apologize.ā And as for the wounded, it's important to pause for a breather before taking everything personally. Says Greer: "I teach people to say, 'Look Iām really upset by what you said or did. Whether you meant it to be this way or not, here's how I experienced it.'"
You're Codependent
Turns out thereās a lot of truth to the whole loving-yourself-before-you-love-someone-else idea. Rushing into a relationship before you have a good handle on who you areāor who you want to beānever ends well.
āSome people are in relationships to help fill a void, or fix what theyāre lacking or what they feel insecure about,ā said Dr. Daniel Selling, psychologist and director of Williamsburg Therapy Group. āA lot of it comes down to accepting who our partners are, rather than trying to bend them to who we want them to be. A lot of people enter into relationships because there's attraction, there's chemistry, thereās a lot that they likeābut there's also a lot of fantasy that they will become who they want them to be. Couples that really thrive accept the good and the bad of each other.ā
If you feel like these therapists are looking straight inside your relationship (creepy, right?), start the conversation with your partner. Identifying and agreeing on the issues is the first step to building that bulletproof marriage.
I was shockingly surprised by how very good this is...
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My āAha Momentā happened because of a package of hamburger meat. I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized heād gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat ā which means itās 70% lean and 30% fat.
I asked, āWhatās this?ā
āHamburger meat,ā he replied, slightly confused.
āYou didnāt get the right kind,ā I said.
āI didnāt?ā He replied with his brow furrowed. ā Was there some other brand you wanted or something?ā
āNo. Youāre missing the point, ā I said. āYou got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20.ā
He laughed. āOh. Thatās all? I thought Iād really messed up or something.ā
Thatās how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even read the labels? Why canāt I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was probably most offended by, why wasnāt he more observant? How could he not have noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything I do?
As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, āI never noticed,ā āI really donāt think itās that big of a deal,ā and āIāll get it right next time,ā I saw his face gradually take on an expression that Iād seen on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised. Thatās when it hit me. āWhy am I doing this? Iām not his mom.ā
I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was right. It really wasnāt anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didnāt know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, āYeah. I guess weāll make do with this. Iām going to start dinner.ā
He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.
And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what Iād just done. And what Iād been doing to him for years, probably. The āhamburger meat moment,ā as Iāve come to call it, certainly wasnāt the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.
Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that Iāve taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like Iām accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. Why do I think itās reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean heās wrong? When did āmy wayā become āthe only way?ā When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didnāt like as if he were making some kind of mistake?
And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, āWow! Iām sure glad she was there to set me straight?ā I highly doubt it. He probably feels like Iām harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it Iām pretty sure it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing things around the house, or avoid me altogether.
Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night before. When I asked why he didnāt tell me, he said, āI just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didnāt want you to have a conniption fit over it.ā #2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why heād thrown them away. He said, āThey accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didnāt want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I donāt know how to wash clothes after 35 years.ā
So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea ā or just plain easier ā to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What kind of environment have I created where he feels heās not allowed to make mistakes?
And letās look at these āoffensesā: A broken glass. A pair of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it up. As for the socks, even though heād clearly stated it was an accident, I gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when heās sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, heāll sit there and take it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, āI guess it just doesnāt matter that much to me.ā
I know now that what he means is, āthis thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I donāt see why youāre making it such a big deal.ā But from my end I came to interpret it over time that he didnāt care about my happiness or trying to do things the way I think they should be done. I came to view it like āthis guy just doesnāt get it.ā I am clearly the brains of this operation.
I started thinking about what Iād observed with my friendsā relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their husbands, and I realized that I wasnāt alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife Always Knows Best. Thereās even a phrase to reinforce it: āHappy wife, happy life.ā That doesnāt leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?
Itās an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies, TV, advertisements ā theyāre all filled with images of hapless husbands and clever wives. He canāt cook. He canāt take care of the kids. If you send him out to get three things, heāll come back with two ā and theyāll both be wrong. We see it again and again.
What this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that says āwe donāt respect you. We donāt think youāre smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, youāll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation.ā Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your eyes). If heās confident with himself and who he is, heāll come to resent you. If heās at all unsure about himself, heāll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to you, him or the marriage.
Did my husband do the same to me? Just as Iām sure there are untold numbers of women who donāt ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, Iām sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I donāt think of it as a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didnāt display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, āWe can just order a pizza.ā The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain? āAccidents happen,ā was his only response.
I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and heād made those mistakes.
So is he just a better person than me? Why doesnāt he bite my head off when I donāt do things the way he likes? Iād be a fool to think it doesnāt happen. And yet I donāt remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesnāt seem heās as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?
Maybe I should take whatās he always said at face value. The fact that these little things āreally donāt matter that much to himā is not a sign that heās lazy, or that heās incapable of learning, or that he just doesnāt give a damn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind ā and justifiably so. Theyāre not the kinds of things to start fights over. Theyāre not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesnāt make him dumb or inept. Heās just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And itās why he doesnāt freak out when heās on the other side of the fence.
The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. Heās not my servant. Heās not my employee. Heās not my child. I didnāt think he was stupid when I married him ā otherwise I wouldnāt have. He doesnāt need to be reprimanded by me because I donāt like the way he does some things.
When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him. Heās intelligent. Heās a good person. Heās devoted. Heās awesome with the kids. And he does always help around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, heās always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know Iām not alone in this.
If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean ādo things differently than usā), then eventually theyāre going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, theyāll actually come to believe those labels are true.
In my case itās my husband of 12+ years Iām talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family.
He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computerās operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it wonāt stop running. I canāt (or donāt) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. Heās a good man who does a lot for me, and doesnāt deserve to be harassed over little things that really donāt matter in the grand scheme of things.
Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. Iām not always 100% consistent, but I know Iāve gotten a lot better. And Iāve seen that one little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. It think weāre both starting to see each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with each other in our day-to-day existence. Iāve even come to accept that sometimes his way of doing things may be better!
It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And youāre not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesnāt make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing he does thatās not to your liking. Ladies, remember, itās just hamburger meat.
Hello self, and anyone who may be reading this!
Iāve been wanting to do this since we got engaged, and almost 2 months later I have finally sat down and created a wedding planning blog. This is such a special time in my life, and I would really like to have it documented. I will be posting planning updates and ideas, as well as articles, advice, and other wedding/marriage-related things. I will try as hard as I can to keep this updated, but I can already tell that this is going to be difficult. Ok. I believe in myself. I can do this.
See you next time!
