Warnings: angst with a happy end, content alludes to depression/suicide
A/N: I will admit...this story was a bit difficult to write, but I do hope it offers some kind of comfort to those who feel the same way as the reader.
It's one of those days again, Bucky thought to himself when the lunch bell rang. An eruption of conversations filled the air as students quickly headed to the cafeteria. Despite the lively commotion going on around him, Bucky felt the dark aura looming over the lonely figure at the corner of the room, still remaining seated on the chair with their face buried in their arms.
A frown graced on the brunet's features, his chest aching at the sight. He knew you long enough to know what was going on. He had seen this before from the past, and though he tried to offer a lending hand, you always declined him and even distanced yourself from him. He knew your personality. He knew what you were trying to do, but that didn't stop him from looking over you...even if was at arm's length.
Nonetheless, Bucky wanted to do something more than just be a bystander to your sorrows.
Glancing at you, Bucky took a deep breath and walked over to your desk, humming a soft tune under his breath. Though you weren't moving in your desk, the brunet noticed you tensing up slightly as he got closer.
Settling down on an empty desk next to yours, Bucky's humming stop when he leaned forward, his eyes trained on you as the next words left his lips. "So...what's going on? Your face was buried in your arms this whole time."
Silence.
"You know, I can't help you when you don't say anything, right?"
Silence.
Bucky sighed while staring at your unmoving form. You were pushing him away again with your unspoken words, but this time, he wasn't budging.
"So, you're gonna make this hard on me, huh?" noted Bucky, his voice quiet and gentle. "It's okay...you don't have to tell me," he paused, his eyes briefly glimpsing on the floor before looking up again. "I've known you long enough to know what's going on." You shifted in your seat at his words, but your head was still covered with your folded arms on the desk. "But I want to let you know that everything will be okay."
A broken sighed came from you as you finally looked up at your friend, eyes brimming with tears and lips ready to argue his statement. Bucky sensed that would bother you to hear, but he knew that deep down in his heart that it was true. "I know that's the last thing you want to hear and that you want to escape into a world of oblivion and just leave this life forever," Bucky took a deep breath, keeping his emotions at bay before continuing. "But I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to go. I want you to stay. I care about you too much to let you go."
Tears began falling from your eyes as you gazed forward, not wanting to meet your friend’s gaze.
“You’re strong, you know that? You may think that you’re weak but you’re the strongest person I know,” Bucky went on, his blue eyes tracing the outlines of your face. “And I know that you’re strong enough to face this alone...but you don’t have to. I’m here for you. You don’t have to deal with this pain by yourself. I know it may seem hard to keep moving forward and that you have no reason to continue on, but...I can tell you that you'll never be lonely," Bucky assured, reaching out for your hand and squeezing it lightly.
Although he knew that he wasn’t able to erase the pain you felt or free you from your problems, at least Bucky was able to reassure that you wouldn’t be alone anymore, that he would remain by your side forever.
"You don't have to be alone anymore to face this,” the brunet reaffirmed. “I'll always be here for you no matter what, but even if you don't want me anymore, I still won’t go away," he said teasingly. "I've been with you since we were five years old after all. Do you really think I wanna leave you now?"
You shook your head and let out a small smile, your eyes glanced over to him. Bucky returned the gesture with warmth as he proceeded. "Everything will be okay, (Y/N). I know everything will be okay because I'm your friend. I would never lie to you and I will never leave your side. I will be with you, okay? I will always be there for you like how you've been always there for me."
More tears fell as you wiped them away with your free hand as Bucky slipped his hand away from you and opened his arms, inviting you for a hug. Without saying a word, you accepted his embrace and buried your face at the crook of his neck. Bucky rubbed your back while sinking into your touch, your warmth igniting memories of his childhood past with you.
Bucky was clumsy as a kid and you'd always hug him like this when he got hurt. Once you saw him crying, you never released him from your embrace until his tears stopped falling. It was as if you were hugging his pain away, just your gentleness alone alleviated the aches he felt. You were always there for him. And now...
"I'll always be there for you," Bucky continued saying the mantra over and over again in your ear. "I'll never leave your side." Your sobs came to an end as you relaxed against his touch, the reassuring warmth of his body flooding through your own. It felt nice. You felt loved.
After a few moments of comforting silence, you moved away from the embrace and gazed at your friend. "Thank you, Bucky," you said softly. "Thank you for not giving up on me."
Bucky smiled and held your hands in his, his touch reminding you that you weren't alone anymore, that your world became a little less lonely with him by your side.
So sorry for being behind on the updates! Life has been pretty hectic as of late...even more so than usual, unfortunately. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding. I’ll write and post fics again soon :)
Summary: You have a thing for Bucky Barnes. Too bad he can’t read your mind to know about it.
Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Reader
Word Count: 673
1 | 2 | 3
A/N: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Wanda walked back to the living quarters, spotting Bucky in the middle of the walkway with his face buried in his hands. As she drew closer, she heard him mumbling obscenities under his breath. “Is there something wrong, Bucky?” she asked as Bucky met her gaze and frowned.
“Something terrible happened and I don’t know if I could fix it, Wanda,” Bucky agonized, shaking his head as uneasiness began to settle in her.
“Oh gosh, what happened?” Wanda questioned worriedly, countless possibilities racing through her mind as she waited for Bucky to answer.
Pointing at the door of your living suite, Bucky sighed deeply. “I was going to say how I feel about her…and then I messed up.”
Wanda gave him a disbelieving look and crossed her arms, unimpressed. “Seriously? That’s all?” she stated, rolling her eyes. “I thought something seriously bad happened.”
Bucky looked at her in shock. “That is something seriously bad, Wanda,” he hissed quietly. “I messed up my chances with her and I don’t even know if I could redeem myself from it.”
Sighing, Wanda led Bucky to her suite. “Come on, we can talk about it at my place.”
***
You’re great. You’re really great.
Bucky’s words kept replaying in your mind as you rested on your bed, trying to bring yourself to sleep. His words shouldn’t have disappointed you this much. It was a good thing that he thought of you that way. It was a good thing that he didn’t think of you in a negative light. You just wished he said something else.
Turning your body, you buried your face in the pillows and groaned. You hated the fact that Bucky had this power over you. Your feelings towards him were prevailing. Even Wanda could sense your emotions without reading your damn mind. Shoot, you wouldn’t be surprised if everyone else at the tower could tell. If only you could say how you felt, this would be so much easier.
Well…it would be easier if you knew he liked you back.
***
“…and couldn’t say how I felt so I told her that she was great instead,” Bucky finished, shaking his head as Wanda tried to hold back her laughter. He shot a glare at her. “It’s not funny!”
“I’m not laughing,” she denied, pursing her lips together as her cheeks turned red. “I’m just…what did you say exactly?” she questioned, biting her lip.
Bucky groaned as Wanda covered her mouth, stifling her laughs. “I said ‘You’re great. You’re really great,’ and then I patted her shoulder,” he flinched at the memory.
“Are you serious?!” Wanda laughed out loud as Bucky blushed in embarrassment, slumping in his seat even more. “What the hell, Bucky?”
“I know! I know!” Bucky rubbed his eyes and sighed. “I messed up my chances. I can’t redeem myself from this.”
Recovering from her laughs, Wanda gave Bucky a sympathetic smile. “Yes you can,” she said in between breaths. “Sure…you messed up, but I have faith in you,” she continued in assurance. “Just say how you feel.”
“And what if she doesn’t like me back?” Bucky asked. “What do I do then?”
Wanda shrugged in response. “The two of you will remain friends then,” she answered simply. “(Y/N)’s not the type to make things awkward…sometimes,” she quickly added. “But if it’s between you and her, I’m sure she’ll want to remain friends even if she doesn’t feel the same way.”
“I guess,” Bucky replied, not fully persuaded. “I just really like her, Wanda. I don’t know what I would do if she doesn’t like me back,” he admitted sadly.
Wanda frowned. She wanted to tell Bucky the truth, but it wasn’t her place to tell him how you felt. That was your call. That was your decision. This was the same with Bucky as well. She couldn’t just tell you how he felt because those were his feelings, not hers. If she didn’t do anything though, the two of you would be dancing around this forever.
Few months ago I started asking for donations because my sister’s husband left with another woman and has move to another country. We didn’t know where excacly. He doesn’t pay for anything, he doesn’t send any money. He is a piece of shit. He was homophobic towards me, he cheated on her when she was pregnant. He was controlling and jealous of everything. But my sister stayed with him because of the child.
Also she had to leave the place they live for the last 9 years because it was bought by his parents and they told her to move out. They never liked her and us because my family is poor.
She is back now in our parents home where I sill live too. There’s only two small rooms in the house, kitchen and one bathroom. All of this for 5 people now. They sleep on the floor in my bedrooom.
Also a two months ago my sister had a car accident and her car was completely trash. And she needs one because we live 5km from school and there’s no bus on my street or the next one.
For the last couple of months we raised 843$. It goes for bills, school payments and supplies and meds.
My sister is really depressed now and we need to help her with everything. She started taking antidepressands. They are not cheap and she still doesn’t work. So I ask you to help us a little more, maybe a month or two. You can find the rest information here.
Also we all are strugling so much. We only have my father’s pension. that’s 1300zl for five people for the entire month. My health is not letting me work right now. I have asthma attacks almost every day. and I may have SM like my mom. Right now i don’t have money to buy meds. I have 4zł in my bank account. I don’t know what to do. All my meds:
Please if you can spare even a dollar, it would be amazing. I need at least $300 to the end of next week. Paypal: [email protected]
UPDATE ON THURSDAY DECEMBER 6: I LITERALLY DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY MY MEDS TOMORROW AND BECAUSE OF THE COLD MY ASTHMA IS SO MUCH WORSE RIGHT NOW. I CAN BARELY WALK OUTSIDE. SO I REALLY NEED THEM. SO PLEASE PLEASE IF YOU CAN SPARE SOMETHING, PAYPAL: [email protected]
Summary: Modern AU. After suffering years of struggles and defeat to pursue your dreams, you develop negative feelings about what your future holds for you. However, an unexpected visitor arriving in your life starts to make you think otherwise.
Word Count: 881
A/N: So, this is one of the stories I began writing a while back on my personal blog, and out of all the stories I’ve written, this particular one holds close to my heart. The reader is a reflection of myself and this fic is an open diary of my struggles and insecurities written in story form. Though I made some changes from the original piece, the story itself is still the same. The music that will appear in this series is from the Yuri On Ice soundtrack, and the story format is inspired by the show. Enjoy :)
You didn’t like parties.
Everyone knew this and yet, they invited you to attend them anyway.
Or they’d make you attend if the people holding the parties were your parents. In this case, you’d have no choice but to plaster the biggest smile on your face as you’d suffer through hours of socializing.
Though, if you were lucky enough, no one would bother you as you’d stand on the sidelines and anticipate the conclusion of the party.
…just like what you were doing right now.
You nursed a flute of champagne in your hand as you idly observed the festivity, taking occasional sips to numb the anxiety away.
Dressed in your very uncomfortable cocktail attire you only wear once in a blue moon, you stood stiffly in the darkest part of the room, hoping no one approaches you.
This party shouldn’t be too bad since it was the annual holiday party your family held where they’d invite relatives and close friends to mingle. It was a yearly gathering your parents held ever since you were a child. No one here was a complete stranger to you. Someway, somehow, you have spoken to every one of them.
Well…maybe except one person, but he wasn’t at the party yet so he didn’t count.
Because of this, this party shouldn’t be so bad.
Shouldn’t. That’s the keyword though. This shouldn’t be so bad, but it was.
See, these particular family gatherings always involved you talking about yourself. Being at the unfortunate age of 25, that always involved discussing your plans for the future. Relatives were nosey much to your dismay and you had no choice but to answer their inquiries. You graduated from college with your Bachelor’s degree in music performance earlier in the year. This was an accomplishment you were very proud of, but aside from your parents, no one else thought of it that way.
Your relatives viewed your accomplishment as a dead end degree with no future. Of course, you didn’t want them to think that. You wanted to prove all of them wrong, that you could accomplish your dream of being an acclaimed pianist and composer.
However, the self-doubt always lingered in, convincing you that they were right. Maybe you did waste your life away by pursuing something so impossible.
You sighed and took another swig of your champagne, emptying out the flute before grabbing another from the table behind you. To you, the only benefit from attending these parties was the drinks, but even then, they didn’t help you ebb away the constant self-doubt you were going through right now.
“Bucky, you’re here!” Your head snapped toward the source of the sound, your breathing hitching when you spotted the newest guest arriving at the party.
Cladded in his signature designer blue suit with his perfectly styled hair and his perfectly perfect 1,000-watt smile, James Buchanan Barnes arrives at your parents’ party with elegance and grace. His arrival was a red carpet entry and everyone was completely mesmerized by him.
This didn’t surprise you. Bucky was a successful writer who had countless bestsellers and won numerous accolades for his works. It was unbelievable to see someone you’ve known for so long become like this. You remembered going to the same school as him from preschool to high school and now seeing him like this as an acclaimed writer, it took you a while to get used to it. You were still trying to get used to it, and many years have passed since Bucky made his first official break in the literary scene.
He accomplished so much throughout his life, and you were proud of him.
You just wished that you did the same with your life.
You grabbed another flute of champagne, not realizing you downed the one you had before so quickly as you furthered yourself away from the crowd, from Bucky. You caught him stealing a glance from you, blue eyes locking on yours as he greeted the people around him. He always managed to find you in these parties, but you never spoke a word to him. Not ever.
Not when you were kids.
Not when you went to the same schools.
Not when you were in the same room together.
Bucky had always been too far out of reach for you, and no matter how much you tried to reach him, to reach his level, you could never catch up. Even if you were in the same room as him, he was always too far out of reach.
When you met his gaze again, you noticed that his eyes never left your sight as he drew closer to you, only stopping when someone talked to him. As he took a moment to chat with a cousin of yours, you walked away to avoid embarrassing yourself.
You didn’t want to approach him now, not when you hadn’t done anything with your life yet. You decided it was better to let him see you as another peon, just a blip in his ever-expanding whirlwind of a life.
You took another drink of your champagne and sucked in a deep breath.
You didn’t know how and you didn’t know when, but you knew one day…you’d be worthy enough to be in Bucky’s presence.
Summary: You have a thing for Bucky Barnes. Too bad he can’t read your mind to know about it.
Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Reader
Word Count: 808
1 | 2
A/N: Yeah...another update!
His mind still reeling from his conversation with Wanda, Bucky walked to his living suite feeling defeated. He desperately wanted to tell you how he felt, but he couldn’t find a way to tell you. He was hoping that Wanda could help him out to see if you felt the same way to avoid embarrassment, but she refused. Yeah, it was wrong to read your mind without your permission, but there wasn’t really another way to know if you liked him or not.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Bucky’s head perked up and saw you and Pietro hugging each other in the hallway. A grumble left his lips when Pietro kissed you on the cheek while you blushed, grinning happily.
“I’m gonna go to the coffee shop now and talk to her!” Pietro exclaimed, giving you one last hug before zipping out of the living quarters.
You chuckled and turned, your eyes meeting Bucky’s gaze. His breathing hitched when you smiled and waved at him.
You have to tell her sooner or later, Buck. You can’t let her slip away.
Without thought, his feet started moving as he made his way towards you, your eyes widening.
This was it. This was the time to tell you how he felt.
Swallowing all of his pride for the first time, Bucky took a deep breath and spoke to you. “(Y/N), I have to tell you something.”
You looked up him, your eyes full of curiosity as you answered him. “What is it?”
Bucky coughed nervously as his heart thudded loudly in his chest. You can do it. You can tell her. “Uh…it’s…um…uh…” Come on, you idiot! His vocabulary escaped him while his mind went blank. “Um…uh…I…uh…”
Raising a brow, you gazed at him worriedly. “Are you okay?”
Nodding, Bucky plastered a smile on his face. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Dammit! Just tell her already! “I just want to say that…that…uh…I…I…uh…I li—”
“Oh shit, am I interrupting something?!” Pietro suddenly exclaimed as he sped back to the living quarters.
You shook your head. “N-no, you’re fine,” you assured while Bucky tried to hold back his annoyance, rubbing his eyes. “Did you go to the coffee shop already?”
“No, I forgot that I left my phone in your suite. Can I go in?”
“Yeah, sure. Go ahead. It must be in the living room,” you mentioned as Pietro sped inside. You gazed at Bucky again, giving him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, what were you going to say?”
Taking another deep breath, Bucky parted his lips and spoke. “I…I…was going to say th—”
“Thanks, (Y/N)!” Pietro kissed you on the cheek one last time before finally speeding out of the area.
You chuckled and shook your head as Bucky inwardly groaned. “I’m really sorry about that. I’m sure he’s gone now,” you assured, smiling. “What were you going to tell me?”
Bucky tried to muster up the courage he had left in him as he spoke up once more. “I just want to say…I just want to say that…” Just say it, Barnes! This is your chance! “You’re great.” Are you serious, Barnes!? Are you serious!? While he wanted to fling himself to the sun for fucking up, Bucky coated a grin on his face as he patted your arm. “You’re really great.”
You smile faltered from your lips slightly as you answered him. “Thank you,” you said, trying to maintain the wavering smile you had on. “That’s…really nice of you.” The both of you stood in silence, awkwardness filling the void in between. Bucky knew he messed up his chance and he didn’t know if he could redeem himself from this disaster. If only he could say how he felt…
“I’m going to head back in and take a nap for a little bit,” you mentioned, piercing through the awkward silence. “I’ll see you later?” you said hopefully.
Bucky nodded and grinned. “Yeah…I’ll see you later.”
Returning the smile, you closed the door behind you, leaving Bucky to suffer alone in the hallway.
Sighing in defeat, Bucky bumped his head on the wall as he cursed to himself quietly, squeezing his eyes shut. “Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stu—”
“Are you okay, Bucky?” His eyes flying open, Bucky looked over and saw you staring at him oddly, a rush of heat coming to his face. “I heard knocking on the wall.”
Bucky forced out a chuckle, not believing that this day got potentially worse than expected. “Yeah, I’m fine. I…I was trying to remember something and I thought bumping my head on the wall would work,” he explained pathetically as you gave him a funny look.
“O-kay…” you replied, letting out a small laugh. “I hope you remember what you were trying to remember.” You closed the door again and Bucky buried his face in his hands.
Yeah…this day really sucked.
Part 4
--
No tag list request, please! Thank you for understanding!
Jade I'm so happy you are back. Telling you how much I love your fics is always satisfying and I enjoy the way your mind works. The stories you are narrating are incredible and full of twists. Happy thanksgiving and I hope you have a great day.
Ksenia!!! Thank you so much. Ugh, I don’t know how to express my gratitude in words so I’ll let this gif spell it out for me.
discoholicmusic
jacobvanloon
dededos
