Sabrina. @brina-rae - Tumblr Blog

octobrsvryownn-deactivated20240

A million little things...delayed.

I’ve been watching A million little things weekly since week two-I knew better than to start with the pilot but tonight after a glass or so of wine I decided I was ready. Fuck, was I so so so wrong. Years later I still find triggers I didn’t even know I had.

I’m a lucky one, I have those people to reach out to when the world feels heavy or when I don’t think anyone would remember the color of my eyes. These people are there to tell me that “your eyes are fucking blue and they’re stupid pretty”.

Here’s the cold, hard and scary truth. I was almost John at multiple points in my life, I have stood over Interstate 5 in Seattle thinking how easy it would be to fall below and let it all go, to have all my depression/anxiety/adderall meds lined up on the counter of my place in Lincoln knowing the lethal combination to let it all go. I NEVER want to be John. I never want to do that nor do I want to leave people wondering why, why? why when she has literally everything a 20 something could want?

The answer: me, myself and I

I know, you know, we all know. Austin was my best friend, my biggest fan, the first phone call I had when I had my first beer, the laugh after a shit, shit, shit of a fucking day. Moments pass me by that I wish more than anything that he was still here to see everything, to experience it with me, I know that if he was still here, he would be making every. single. move with me.

There’s also moments that I think how easy it would be to join him, to give in, to leave all these demons behind.

I can’t even talk that much because the thing is, I had a picture perfect life until that moment when I was 19. I was so not fucked up, I was happy, I didn’t know a thing about mental health, I honestly didn’t really care about it either.

Which leads me to my next thing. People say they don’t talk about the heavy things.

I’m not sure how I got to where I am and how I got the friends that do talk about the heavy things. I sincerly hope when you ask your friends what color your eyes are, they know. I hope they know that how you answer to the question “you alright?” will give them everything they need to know.

Last night I grabbed drinks with a friend I haven’t seen since we both lived in Lincoln, he looked at me and said “are you still good?” he was sincere, I smiled and knew the answer he wanted and gave it to him. He didn’t take it.

I have a family that know somethings wrong by how I answer the phone. a brother who has more things to worry about in his life than how his little sister is doing but still sends me random I love you texts, I’m proud of you texts and just check in texts. Parents who have a group chat and know I need the help but let me get it on my own. Also, parents who forced me into help when I was 19 before they got help themselves.

A roommate that knows how I feel or what I think with the way I open the fucking door. A best friend miles and miles away that reminds me I am not John because I have all of these people to lean on, and I have myself.

I’m scary aware of my life, my feelings, my mental health and what I need to do. Sometimes I wish I could suppress these thoughts or these feelings but I wouldn’t be who I am if I could do that. I would be just a surface level human. I would be a “what’s your favorite color” first date. I would be a “oh, she was nice” person. I wouldn’t be the 2am phone call because you know I’ll answer, I wouldn’t be the crazy friend that isn’t easy to forget, I wouldn’t be the bitch of a human that makes you confront your thoughts/feelings.

I know I have myself. I don’t want to be the John. I don’t want to be the thought of what you should do.

I want to be the Sabrina, I want to be there when you think of that stupid thought and I for sure want to be there when you execute the stupid thought.

For the ones out there suffering and wondering where the light is. Well, as corny as it sounds- it’s in you. It’s always fucking been in you. It’s in your best friends. It’s in the moments you think are too scary to share. It’s in those moments that the people who love you, love you even more.

I get it, so much more than you think. It’s dark, it’s scary, it would be so much easier to exit stage left. But it wouldn’t be. That’s the easy way to end your problems and leave everyone else with a bucket of problems.

It’s SO scary owning up to your mental illness-the first time I said I was depressed out loud was in the doctors office, I made my mom leave the room(regret that to this day, she knew I needed it alone though). The first time I was told I had social anxiety, I laughed in my doctors face and asked how that was actually humanly possible with myself. The first time I was told I had PTSD, well-that actually made a lot of sense.

You feel like you’re a burden for reaching out, I GET IT. the people who also get it add you to their favorites so their phone rings at anytime. I will always be anyone’s 2am phone call, just remember that. but sometimes I need someone to be my 2am phone call and again, I’m lucky.

This is a whole lot of rambles.

Watch a million little things, it will make you cry like an infant. It’s bringing light to mental health in such a beautiful way.

I hope these words made you feel or realize something.

To everyone who has been my 2am phone call, you know who you are. what you don’t know is how many times you actually saved my life.

Parents, if you’re reading, I’m sorry to take you down the lane of my thought of attempts to leave. I’m here, forever.

xoxo-S

PS. my cats were sitting on my lap the whole entire time I wrote this-tell me animals don’t get emotions and I will prove you so wrong.

schwierigephase

“Love yourself. Be clear on how you want to be treated. Know your worth. Always.”

— (via liebeficktunsalle)

iglovequotes

http://iglovequotes.net/

soul-vintage-deactivated2019031

twenty six years of life-twenty six lessons i wish i knew sooner.

Hello there-it’s been a while since I’ve put my thoughts down into words so bare with me while I get my groove back, actually forget it, let’s do it.

1. Your parents are your biggest fans-they will support you in whatever you choose to do no matter how far away it takes you from them. call them to talk about their day, not just to complain about yours. Joy and Ken are actual living saints, that I am positive of.

2. Your cats see ghosts, you’ll get used to them sprinting around at 4am, sometimes you won’t even wake up!

3. YOU DO NOT NEED TO HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER-it’s so beyond okay to be confused and terrified of making changes. some of them will be wrong and you’ll just have to chalk it up to a lesson learned.

4. You’ll fall in love, and it’ll all happen so fast and it will end just as fast. you’ll linger on his thoughts and messages for a few years. he did love you but not in the way that you needed to be loved. you’ll cry a whole lot over him and that’s okay, he was the first person to make you feel truly yourself in a relationship. Thank him, even if you deleted his number (it’s written on a sticky note in your glove box). He tried to do everything he could to not hurt you but you feel a WHOLE lot and no matter how much more he could of done, you still would cry. You met your perfect person at the most incorrect time of your life. Just remember, he set the standards high for your future partners, he does deserve a thanks for that one.

5. Your bed will be in your closet when live in seattle, I know what you’re thinking-it’s actually pretty cozy and offers a bomb view. You can thank me later.

6. Your high school friends know why you are the way you are, cherish that. Be present in the big moments of their lives even if you have no idea how to be there. I promise you making trips home for showers, weddings, babies and random times will mean the world to you and them. The kisses you get from their kiddos and the feeling you get when you hear them call you Auntie Sabrina will melt your damn heart. God i miss them.

7. You will gain weight and you’ll blame your crazy schedule. Woman, get your ass out of bed and switch to red wine, turns our you’re allergic to most white wines anyway.

8. You still lean on Taylor Swift to give you confidence and to also be there when you cry yourself to sleep. Shout out to you Tay.

9. Do not take job offers based on the salary, if it makes you miserable it is not worth it.

10. Men will try to put hands on you, two will succeed. Speak up please when it happens. The first one will do it while he’s telling you he loves you, he. does. not. love. you. leave. the second will just come out of left field, run away, I don’t care if you aren’t wearing shoes.

11. It’s okay to take social breaks and focus on yourself. Just remember to tell your friends what you’re up too so they don’t worry, they love you.

12. Your mental health is not something you need to hide or be afraid of. It’s become a part of you and it’s for sure not going anywhere soon. The right people will still accept you and more than that, love you.

13. Leave fuck boys alone, I DO NOT CARE HOW HOT THEY ARE. THEY ARE MEAN AND MOST OF THEM ARE NOT SMART.

14. Dating in your mid twenties sucks. period. that is all.

15. Stop buying wine glasses, the cats break them and you end up drinking out of coffee cups more than not.

16. The tribe of girlfriends you made in lincoln will literally never leave you. I have no idea how you got so blessed to find three different women who could not be any more different that get every single part of you. They know when you need pizza and wine, when you need a therapy session in the middle of the day and when you need a pep talk for whatever.

17. Parker, Brody and Cooper will make your heart explode with how smart, charming and funny they are. You won’t even know that you could love someone so much until you loved them.

18. Be proud of yourself, not many people have the work place experience you have. Be thankful for every single chance you are given to prove yourself. Remember the people who gave you said chances.

19. You will forget names of your dates, a lot because you don’t save phone numbers until you’ve decided you like someone.

20. You will go on a lot of dates that will be miserable, the older you get the more you don’t care. sometimes it’s okay to walk out of said dates.

21. I know that when you turn 22 you cannot get out of your own head. I know you’re thinking how easy it would be to end it all, I know that you’re thinking of the pills in the bathroom. I know that you know better. This phase of your life sucks, but you get the help you need. your friends save your life many times without even knowing they did it. I’m proud of you for not acting on your thoughts from your demons.

22. The friends you made in college are amazing and did not have to accept you, but they did. They loved you every time you fell in a mud puddle on game day, when you got your fake ID taken away, when you would play hide and seek on O Street and when you had that really cool walk of shame through a family easter egg hunt. just remember to tell them how much you love them.

23. Austin will follow you wherever you go, at first this bothers you. as time goes on you realize it’s what you really wanted. You don’t feel sad all of the time anymore, you think of him fondly and know how proud he would be of you. You’ll see a lot of bat logos when you first move to seattle and you’ll smile to yourself. He loves you, more than you ever knew.

24. The unexpected friends you make in seattle are the best kind of people. They will help you find your voice, you will do stupid things together and then you will do important things together. They’ll brag about you and you’ll brag about them. cherish the moments and the time with them, it doesn’t last forever.

25.Target will come out with $5 wine and you will think it’s a great idea. it is not, put the damn bottle back on the shelf.

26. You will be comfortable with yourself again. You will realize that you really are as brave as people tell you you are. You will love what you look like, dress like, how your soul feels-its a beautiful feeling.

You’ll come out stronger, you always do my love.

xoxo-rae

sicknare

melisica

Kelly Schemp

kushandwizdom

6 months into the year, 6 months left to go. Make sure you end this year further ahead with all of your goals accomplished. Let's see where we all are next year. Good luck.

- Meggan Roxanne