Do you ever feel like you just need to talk...
I made this account when I was 18. This profile picture is from that time, all of my posts, every re-blog... but... I’m not that person anymore. My friends live far away or are completely new. I’m no longer in high school. I could get in the car and drive away if I wanted... I could just leave, and sometimes it feels like no one would notice right away if I did.
When I was 17, I started a blog on blogger and religiously posted to it. It was for me, I had like no readers of course, and it’s who I was but I don’t fit that person anymore. They talked of dreams they had and accomplishments they were determined to do like life was going to follow whatever game plan I had thought sounded cool.
When I entered high school, I didn’t want to make friends because I didn’t want to leave them behind when I went to college. I didn’t want to cry over them, but I did anyways. They were worth crying over.
When I was a teenager, I didn’t want to go through a bunch of relationships, I didn’t even want to date anyone because I figured it wouldn’t work out. I wanted to do my own thing and become the ideal person I had been planning out for years that the perfect person would see and fall in love with one day, and that one person would be enough... I dated anyways because in there were moments where those people lit up my life and I felt alright with them. But, I was right, they didn’t work out.
And when I was in high school, I thought I was going to go to art school and go to Japan and become this really cool, well-traveled artist that knows languages and can impress people I never knew how to impress before... well, I’m in art school, and I’m one final exam away from a minor in Japanese but suddenly that’s not my dream anymore.
There are so many emotions and thoughts and everything just constantly flowing through my head at every hour of the day. Sometimes I feel exhausted doing nothing simply because I don’t feel like enough to deal with myself. I’ve walked hand-in-hand with sadness, with rejection, with loss, and I’ve looked in peoples’ eyes and smiled saying that everything was okay when all I wanted to do was lay in bed and never come out from under the covers again. I’ve also looked everywhere except someone’s eyes because it felt like if they looked at me hard enough that they would know everything. How nervous and scared and completely out of control, how entirely I feel with every single piece of my body and soul, how anxious I become thinking about the thoughts running through their heads. If they say it or if they don’t, if it’s real or if it’s just me, there are times when reality to me is only the heart pumping throb in my ears and the idea that no matter what they say or if they smile, that they wish they didn’t have to deal with me. There are times when I’m scared of people realizing how easy it is for me to break.
I’m here, writing all of this so that it isn’t in my head anymore. Because for once, in a really long time, I feel strong and capable of processing the build up of feelings I’ve been hoarding while under mental seize the past year. Or was it two years? The last time I felt this mentally okay, for more than a week at a time, was the weekend of October 17th, 2016 when I got to say happy birthday to the person who has watched me talk about the things I love and cry over what makes me sad with the same look in his eyes. He loved me at my absolute worst and I didn’t have the confidence, and I thought I didn’t have the right, to give him my all. Somehow, I thought that I simultaneously wasn’t enough and yet too much. I wasn’t good enough to love, but too much baggage for someone to willingly deal with.
And now, with the fog cleared away for a couple months now, I’m too late. I can’t go an hour of the day without thinking how much I appreciate this person. But it’s not the same for them because I already messed it up. I don’t know how to express this feeling... To not need someone, because you don’t want to feel dependent on them, but to feel like you need them in your life. To want someone, but to want them to be happy more than you want them to yourself. To love someone and be willing to say nothing at all. To say nothing, to do nothing, but know that you’d do absolutely anything if they’d ask. To look at them and think of every cheesy movie line of every cliché scene that would make their eyes roll at you if you said any of it aloud, but to feel those words in your bones and to know they’re real because you’re not the only one to have felt them. To remember the feeling of the first time you made eye contact and the click in your mind that said Keep this person in your life. They are going to be important to you. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t know what or who I believe in, or if I believe in anyone at all, or if there’s no one sitting up in the sky with some grand plan and a pat on the back to say that it will all work out, but I find myself praying anyways. Praying that it will be okay and will work out.
I wasn’t okay before. I went through a really rough cocoon phase between when I signed up for tumblr and this post, and I don’t know if I’m a butterfly even now... And, I know it’s romantic to compare someone to the stars or the moon or the sun... but to me, they’re like Christmas lights. A room can be lit with lamps and ceiling lights, but Christmas lights are beautiful and happy and make everything better, but aren’t necessary to be able to see. That person just makes my life better and lights it in a way that no one else has ever done before...
I’m okay now, I’m just feeling everything genuinely, and wanted to talk about it.
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
romaincrisis
amandla
gamechangershow
