HE CAN TELL JOHN IS fighting the urge to roll his eyes at the light jest . ishmael is appreciative the attempted humour does not elicit negative feelings from his boyfriend . the chemist would rather not relieve anymore unpleasantness regarding the fire mishap . making light of the situation is the only way he can make it past for now , & he will continue to do so .
LIPS TUG INTO A SMIRK . ❛ have to take the fun out of everything do you ? ❜ hardly an offence , another attempt a humour . an excuse to call out john for his dirty work ishmael will take . there is clear ulterior motive in this late afternoon kitchen unveiling . ❛ i think i can make some time for you ❜ ishmael can’t resist pressing forward to brush his lips gently against his partners . ❛ though it best be good if you want a proper kiss ❜ he pulls away . ❛ i have a deadline on the current lab work , i left early for this john . it best be worth it ❜ & there is a smile .
OH, THERE WAS MUCH MORE THAN A KISS at stake; as he would soon find out. a deep breath, steadying himself as john's gaze fixed on his. a teasing smirk falling way towards something new, something more vulnerable. biting his lip before steeling himself to look ishmael in the eye. “ i have spent what is likely a ridiculous amount of time for anyone else trying to figure out what to say to you. talking openly about my emotions, as we both know, is not something i am very good at. however, for you i was determined to get out of my own way & tell you everything you deserve knowing. things that are worth nearly nine variants & a visit with my therapist to help me express properly to you right here & now.
“ I HAVE SPENT SUCH A LONG TIME feeling angry & alone; even when i had no reason to be. i understand based on the chemical makeup of my mind, along with my upbringing, that there is no magic cure all for this. i know that despite everything i do, i will still have days where that feeling is inescapable. just as i know the same will occur to you. however with you, ishmael, the dark days finally feel like they will pass & i can truly see the good ones.
“ THIS IS MY ROUNDABOUT WAY of saying that you have become a foundation for me. one i haven't had in nearly ten years. you came into my life & reminded me of what it was like to have a family --- only to realise that it was more than that. you aren't ' like ' my family, but apart of it. it took me awhile to see it at first but i truly believe now you were always a part of it --- i just hadn't been introduced to you yet. you make me feel loved & safe; for once, i finally have something permanent & i plan to hold onto it.
“ YOU HAVE BEEN SO MUCH FOR ME, i know i am not the easiest man to love at times & i often feel undeserving of it. however, if you'll allow me ishmael, i would very much like to spend the rest of my life being all of that & more for you. i want nothing more than to spend every moment, from now till forever trying very hard to be someone worthy of the gifts you have given me. i know there will still be bad days for us both; but if you let me --- i'd like to help make the good ones so much so that they make the bad ones even just a little less of a struggle.
“ I LOVE YOU, ISHMAEL. i think for awhile, i have been trying to hold back because i was terrified of the day that when you were gone. then, i almost lost you & i was terrified. everything i had been pretending not to feel or fear came bursting out of me until i was forced to realise: time is finite, i don't know how long our forever is, bit if i waste anymore time holding back any bit of what i feel for you, then i am an idiot. so, i promise that if you'll have me i will give you everything i have to give --- not because i want to remain that way forever, but because i understand that forever isn't guaranteed. ”
IT WAS THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, hands still clasped in his, john carefully knelt down on his knee in front of him. despite the nervousness in his stomach, his eyes met ishmael’s once more & he couldn’t help the grin brought to his face. “ ishmael alexander grayson, i've gone on for words & i have hardly scratched the surface of what i feel for you --- so i'm done with words. ” he released one of his hands in order to dive into his jacket pocket. heart thundering as he withdrew the ring box & and pried it open. the platinum band catching the bright light overhead. “ besides, actions have always spoken louder. i love you, & i want to spend the rest of my life with you. will you let me ? will you marry me ? ”
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