My Diary

Mathilde, 19, French, single I just talk about me here. What I love, What I fear, What I feel, What I'm going through.

[britishbabymonkey]

Time flies...

So many things happened this I last wrote. I lost 30 kilos . Since haven't seen G since I started my diet. He has a girlfriend by the way. But the most important ; I spent the 4 most amazing months of my life in Scotland. I met wonderful amazing awesome people. And I met E... who made me feel a way I never felt before. He was so kind and nice and funny and smart and god he was just the greatest man I could dream of at that moment of my life. He gave me so much confidence, he made me feel pretty and happy. And he is now gone. Even though we live in the same country... he doesn't want things to go further. So I'm not back to where I was : single and lonely. Ok maybe not where I was actually cause now I can fit normal clothes and wear a cute dress. I am not ashamed of my body anymore so that's great. But the problem is that before, I was just "I'm single cause I'm fat" . Now I have ti face it ..there's something wrong with me. Anyways. I'm getting over G and missing E desperately...

[britishbabymonkey]

Can I go the distance ?

Ok so for now, i lost 3,4kg. 

I’m quite happy. But I can help doubting. It’s not going fast enough. And I fear I am gonna give up one more time. G. is not talking to me as often as before. And I really miss it... 

I try to stay positive, and to imagine his reaction when we will see each other again and i will be like so pretty.. I sound like a 12 years old girl but seriously it’s my only motivation. 

I lie to my family and friends, I tell them that I’m losing weight for my health, and for my tattoos, and for clothes... But really it’s just the same reason as before.. I want people to think “She’s pretty” , not “Even though she’s fat, she’s cute”. 

I just hope I’m gonna stay strong, and i’m gonna lose like 10 / 15 kg before I see G. again, and I hope he will be like so amazed and he will be like “God, you got hot” , like I live for that right now. It’s so so stupid but it’s what keeps me going. 

[britishbabymonkey]

Down

So one more time I'm trying to lose weight. One more time I try to convince myself that it's gonna work. But this time I truly think it might really be.. i don't know. The fact that G. talks to me everyday might be a huge motivation. But it's gonna stop someday and when it will I don't know where I will find my motivation. Hope I will be stronger this time. Hope I will make it.

[britishbabymonkey]

Replay

I can't get you out of my head. I can't get our conversation out of my head. It's worse than before. Since we talked I never stopped thinking about what you told me, about what I told you. Replay Replay Replay Replay Replay ... ▶

[britishbabymonkey]

Unexpected.

" i would lie if i said i never thought about it " ; " it's not a right time for us " ; " you are interested and interesting, come on stop it with the sparkles in your eyes " ; " you deserve better " ; " I am sorry " ; " we can't because i am too close to your family " . That's what i remember. That's what my crush told me when i told him how i felt. I remember him trying to convince me he is not as amazing as i think. But the more he tried the more i was falling in love with him. The more i knew about him, the more i realised what a wonderful person he is. But i understand the reasons why we can't be together. I understand it and i am going to pretend that i'm feeling good and i'm moving on. Sorry, but I love you and i won't let go right now.

[britishbabymonkey]

Is it love ?

So much happened in just a few days. I was really disappointed about the fact that we are not going to have our special night this year. There is nothing physical between us, nothing real, just a little something I can't define. Like magic. Maybe I am the only one feeling it.. I don't know. But anyway we won't have our night. And then one of my best friend for 7 years text me at 1 am to tell me she is with you. Panic attack number one. I call her. I hear your voice. Panic attack number two. We talk for a little bit. My heart is beating so so so fast. My mouth is getting dry. And it gets really hot. So I try to stay cool. But of course I laugh at everything you say. You are amazing as usual. You want to know how my dad feels I find it really sweet. Then you ask me what I'm doing next year. You remembered that I was going abroad for half a year. Then I tell you that I won't be there for our night and I swear I heard in your voice that you were as disappointed as me when you said "seriously?" And I swear my heart stopped beating for half a second when I heard how disappointed you were. But then you act cool as if it was for fun and once again you make jokes about us having sex, us being together and stuff like that. I pretend it's funny but it hurts a little bit because for you it's a joke and for me it's a dream. And then you text me until 4 am because I can't sleep. A few days later my friend tells me you throw a party at your place friday and I am invited. So panic attack number three. I really panic because I've never been at your place. And I think it might be the occasion for us to have our special night finally. But I realise that it won't be because you will be with your friends. And I will be like an alien. But anyway I really want to see you. So I spend 24h with my friend to discuss about it and get ready for it. And today you text me. You tell me we need to talk . Panic attack number four. And then you make me realise how well you know me. I just feel like my heart is gonna blow up. I can't wait till tomorrow but at the same time I am sooooo afraid. We will see, what destiny has planned for us...

[britishbabymonkey]

Back

I haven't wrote here in a while. I was in germany all june. It was amazong by the way. I met amazing people. I drunk a lot and had a lot of fun. And got a new tattoo. I'm thinking about making a post about my tattoos... Now I'm back in France. Getting ready to go on vacation on the French Riviera. I found an internship for my third semester. So it's great. And I leave for Scotland in February. Everything is getting in order. Except for my love life. Which is as empty as itw ever been. Anyway I'm back on tumblr. Cause i feel like I need to express myself more than ever.

[britishbabymonkey]

Well I am kind of lonely so... I might as well try everything

[britishbabymonkey]

I’ve been thinking

I have been thinking lately. I have been thinking about what i would tell you exactly if i wanted you to know how i feel, how would I tell you ? It would be something like that I think . 

“ You make me feel a way I’ve never felt before. Usually I can pretend that feel strong all the time, i can pretend that i  feel great you know i can pretend that i feel smart , I pretend I feel like I am interesting and everything. But with you I can’t pretend ... you make me feel small. You make me feel like I know nothing. But in a good way. You make me feel like you can show me all the wonderful things hidden in the world. You make me feel like you got the key to all the knowledge I don’t own. Maybe you’re just the first person I actually admire. I mean after each of our talk I feel like I’ve learn so many thing but also i feel like I still have so much to learn. And I want to lean it from you. With everybody else in this planet I can manage to hide how insecure I feel, but with you I just can’t, you make me show how weak and insecure I really am. And I love it. And I want to feel like this all the time. I want to stop pretending. And I can stop pretending only with you. That’s why I need you with me right now. That’s why I like you this much. 

I hope someday you’ll show me the world...”

[britishbabymonkey]

It still hurts.

Somebody just told me I was single because I am fat. And I felt that huge slap in my face again. I haven't felt that in a while. I don't even know this person it was an anonymous on a forum but anyway it still hurts. Being told that it's all my fault if I am sad and lonely. Being told that just because of how I look I will never be happy. Being told that I have to change, that I have to be fit to be happy. It's not the world I want to live in. I want to live in a place where everybody has equal chances of happiness. No matter how they look, where they come from, who they love or what they believe in. "You may say I'm a dreamer" to quote Johm Lenon "but I'm not the only one" I hope. I want people to be more open minded, less judgemental. Also it made me wonder : why being fat is a flaw ? I really don't get it. I don't get people.

[britishbabymonkey]

Good night ★

So I posted a tweet earlier this evening : "My curves are where they are meant to be. And there is nothing shameful about that" And my crush just added this tweet to his fav. So I'm just so happy right now. Falling asleep with a huge smile on my face ♥

[britishbabymonkey]

Back to school

My driving exam went pretty well I think. It was better than the last time at least. (Hard to be worst). I really hope I got it. Now I'm on my way back to Angers. Time to study. During this holidays I haven't studied much cause I really wanted to rest and have so time for myself. But from now on I'm gonna study really hard every day. I missed the first day cause I had my driving exam (that's why I'm only coming back now). I have a lot of work to do if I want to pass this semester but I'm gonna do my best so that I can go to Germany ! Anyway those two weeks gave me a little taste of what summer holidays are gonna be and I really can't wait !

[britishbabymonkey]

Fears

So tomorrow I have my driving licence exam. I’m so scared because I failed once (in October) and if I fail again it’s gomna cost so much money to my parents and also I really really need my driving licence. I am also really scared cause I have my final exams in college very soon (may 18th). I’m really scared I’m gonna fail that too. In june I’m going to germany. I’m really glad but I’m also scared cause I will be away from my loved ones for a month. I didn’t found a job for this summer. I really wanted to work and make some money but nobody want to hire me..

Nothing is going as planed right so I’m scared.

[britishbabymonkey]

You have no idea.

Ok that I'm going through one of those moment when I'm really motivated to get healthier. I'm being careful about what I eat, I'm drinking more water ... and once again my family notice what I am doing they can't help pointing out what's wrong about what I am doing. "You shouldn't do this" . "You should do this like that". It makes me so sad, so upset. I am doing the best I can. I am trying my best. It's really really hard for me. They just have no idea how it is. They don't understand how I feel. It's really hard for me to control what I am eating, and how I am eating. Usually it's really stronger than me. I can't explain actually. But the thing is that they don't, they can't understand. So they really shouldn't say anything. It is just making everything worst. It makes everything harder. And that is precisely why I never talk about my weight and my eating issues. Because nobody understand. But everybody think they know exactly what I should do.

[britishbabymonkey]

My 5 favorite things in the World.

- Watching TV series,

It’s a huge part of my life. That’s actually the main thing I do when I’m not studying. It’s something that makes me forget about everything. I just escape. Some escape through books, some others escape through sport. Well I escape through, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Dexter, The Waling Dead, How I Met you mother, 2 broke girls, Modern Family, Skins, Misfits, Orphan Black, Once upon a time, Suits, Pretty Little liars, Sleepy Hollow, Peaky blinders, Ripper street, The big bang theory, Scandal, New gril, Homeland ... 

- Music.

 I really love music. I've played drum for 5 years. I listen to music all the time. It’s something I really love, it’s my favorite art form I think. Of course I listen to many different things but my favorite bands are Arctic Monkeys and the Beatles. I really have a thing for sixties music. 

- Food. 

I have a weird relation relationship with food. I guess you could call that an Eating disorder. I eat way too much and I eat Anything. I can’t help it, I can’t change it, I have no power over that. I feel like I don’t really choose if I want to eat or not. I just do it. But every time I enjoy it. It’s weird I told you. 

- Wine . 

Very ‘cliché’ for a French girl. But I just Looooove Wine, red, white, pink I love them all. 

- Horror movies. & Disney movies

It’s pretty unusual but i couldn't decide what I loved more so I put both. It might sounds kind of creepy but I love blood, psychopaths, ghosts, spirits, hunted houses, chainsaws, serial killers and all those stuff. It’s my jam. Although it scares me, I really like watching it. And I love all those things just as much as I love princesses and fairy tales. 

[britishbabymonkey]

My Plans for the future

Since September I am in college. I study Tourism and i LOVE it. I really found what I wanted to do with my life. I moved from my parents for a year. I live by myself in a tiny little studio. I love my life I really do . In June I’m gonna go to Germany . There I will work in the Tourist Office of Paderborn. I will see my lovely little baby Jule. I miss her sooooo much !! Next semester (from September 2015 to December 2015) I’ll come back at my parents and I will do a Trainee ship in Le Mans. But I still don’t know where. I have no answers.. So i’m waiting.. I hate not knowing what i’m gonna do. I like when everything is planed, when I know exactly what I am gonna do. Then, from January to May 2016 I will go to Scotland (♥) In Aberdeen to study Tourism. After that (from September to December 2016) I will have to do another Trainee ship but I don’t know where I want to do it, In France ? Paris ? Le Mans ? Else where ? In England ? London ? In Europe ? Germany .? I really don’t know. As I said, I LOOOOVE my life. But I’m kind of scared. I’m scared of growing up... Everything is moving so fast. I feel like i moved out a few weeks ago, but it was 8 months ago... I’m turning 19 in a month. I feel like i was celebrating my 16th birthday one year ago... It’s just too fast for me.

[britishbabymonkey]

babe I randomly came across one of your posts and let me tell ya! you can do anything you want! be fucking happy and confident in your own skin! that's the true key to success! eat healthy and go out. things will come by itself then u'll see! don't stress too much. I'm a virgin too *high5* ;) I've been overweight too, now I've got to my ideal weight but still struggling lol but we have to be happy! dont let others bad words infuence you confidence is what's attractive :) let's do this!

Thank you a lot :) It’s really great to know I’m not totally lonely here !