Ink Blots & Empty Thoughts

I'm Chelsea Sioux. I've got nothing, but thousands of words in my head most of which don't even make sence to me. I suppose that leaves me with blogging like a crazy rambler.

[britishbrilliance]

Everytime this happens I think it'll be the last time and I think to myself one day when I'm happy and married to someone who truly loves me and treats me with respect I'll remember these days and feel at peace. But now that I'm back where I always land I feel as if that day will never come. I really try to be a good person and I know I fall short a lot of times but I really hoped at some point someone would love me the way I love them. I'm so lost maybe in a way more than ever and I didn't think that was possible.

[britishbrilliance]

Sometimes I have panic attacks thinking of the things I let happen to me. But I'm trying really hard to learn from them and change my way of thinking for the next time round.

[stuckinreversemode]

And what are your faults? I mean, little weaknesses. ABOUT TIME (2013, dir. Richard Curtis)

[britishbrilliance]

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and they spark something in you and you just can't stop smiling, you most feel high because your heart is light and nothing else seems to matter in that moment...That's the feeling I want to hold onto always. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm on top of the world all the time and more so that they feel that good too.

[britishbrilliance]

I am a god damn mess I swear. I'm entering panic mode and maybe I should be. Maybe I should run before anything else continues cause I cant bear to get my heart broken again especially if it's my own damn fault for being an idiot. I just want to be happy with someone who's happy with me. Why is that so fucking hard.

[britishbrilliance]

I find myself excited over something as silly as you making my bed and wanting to pay for my things and make sure I'm safe. It feels so weird and new and then I realized it's not crazy its decent. It's what I should expect. It's what real MEN do and I guess that's what you've been trying to tell me. This is still new and I feel like I'm balancing on a trapeze, any wrong move from either of us and I'll fall down down to the ground. It's a little nerve wracking to not know what this will turn into when you make me smile so much. Guess that's life, a waiting game and hopefully the little moments add up in the end.

[britishbrilliance]

My emotions come in waves these days and I almost never know which it's going to be...Sometimes its calm and comforting like the soft sound when the ocean water slowly crawls up onto the shore and then creeps back out. Other times it's like the hard crash of water hitting the side of a boat at full force, splashing the water angrily over the edges. It would just be nice to have something steady and unwavering.

[britishbrilliance]

Is it sad that sometimes I even miss the football group texts?...and sitting on the porch for the superbowl...

[in-this-colony]

I always knew Sid loved Nancy.

[britishbrilliance]

This ain't love its straight TOXIC energy. Learn the difference.

[britishbrilliance]

I won't lie..I spent the day romanticizing seeing you again without all the animosity and trauma of the past. Just two old friends smiling and enjoying each other...yea that'd be nice.

[britishbrilliance]

Get your shit together for yourself cause its never going to happen if it's for someone else and you never know if they'll still be there when and if you do.

[britishbrilliance]

And let's just talk about the fact that it is HILARIOUS that yall would think that just cause I live with a guy that I'd be fucking him in any way shape or form. I've never been a hoe why would I start now? Im NOT and never have been like other girls. Is it really so crazy to think that two people could live together and just have a platonic friendship? It's like you really don't know me at all. I am so incredibly lucky to live with a guy who has been such a great friend to me and takes care of me and best of all will always be platonic. Just a beautiful friendship which I fucking deserve.

[britishbrilliance]

I rehashed everything tonight for what felt like the 100th time but this time felt different because I don't feel so out of the loop anymore. I feel lighter knowing I can depend on one person to be there and make sure you're okay and to show you what a good friend is. After all this time and the things you did that made me feel not enough, I still have so much love for you. I miss you. I am alone and I am lonely but I like who I'm becoming and I need to see that through.

[britishbrilliance]

I thought I was fixed but I've been so broken lately it turns out it's all still there

[britishbrilliance]

Stuck between "I'm okay" and if I think about it too much i might break open again. Nothing more fragile than walking on eggshells.

[britishbrilliance]

It's not as bad as last year but the depression has certainly found it's way back to me. I think I'm just lonely. The holidays are all about spending time with people and even though I have so many people in my life, today I have none. I have been on my own again and I hate it.

All my traditions have been broken and I just wish I could have my happy christmases back.

[britishbrilliance]

I worry that I'll always love the broken unfixable things...or more so that I'll never be enough or have all the pieces to fix them and they'll forget about me like I'm the flavor of the week and I'll always remember all the heartbreak.