Britni Jean

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[britnijean]

Quick fun update because I’ve been using tumblr to document my life since 2010. I dated a guy for a year. I wrote a few posts about him and my experiences with him and how much I adored him. I wrote a few posts prior to us dating and being best friends for a few years. Strange how things change. 

I haven’t talked to him since May? And I guess he’s moving to Mobile. I have quite a bit of anger surrounding it all. Reflecting back, it’s just like, “Oh fuck, thank god I’m outta that.” He was not very nice to me. He didn’t care like maybe a boyfriend should. Not to say too much, but I’m having many revelations and reflections and a lot of, “I need to be more careful in the future.” At this point, I would be okay with reconnecting and being friends again, but I need a big ol’ genuine apology. And I don’t think we will be best friends like we were before.

But hey! Can I just say that I’ve been hella stable, content, happy, etc, for months?? I’ve learned to love being alone?? You know, I think I can attribute a lot of this to my beautiful cat (I got a cat.) Actually, that would make a lot of sense.

But yes, I am happy. My life is so good. I’ve got a great job and home. I am surrounded by brilliant people.

Also, I am kind of dating and that’s been triggering SO many flight or fight experiences, but how else am I going to numb myself to the anxieties?

Fun fact, I met a 30yo who has his shit together and is super weird, kind, funny, genuine. I’m not super feeling him, but I’m super excited that I’ve made a connection and new friend and powered through the anxiety and maybe we can smooch a bit. And maybe that means that I can meet other people and not be terrified of them.

Or I can be alone forever and that is SO okay! 

I don’t know how to end this post. But happy update. Hope everyone is well. Get a cat--they will help you live your best life.

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Milk Magazine

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[britnijean]

What’s the matter with you?

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[britnijean]

Hi. I'm pretty sure I was drugged NYE. My friends were with me the entire time, so I was safe. I'm bruised everywhere. Everything hurts. I didn't have that much to drink. My friends called 911. Paramedics dragged me up and were yelling at me, "Do you want to go home or to the hospital?" Apparently I said home, because what else is a mostly incoherent out of her mind scared girl going to say? I regret that. I don't remember it. They also asked my boyfriend how much I drank. They told him to stop lying. They were convinced that I snuck alcohol behind my friends' backs (I didn't.) They told my boyfriend, "You look sober enough, figure it out, there are 50 other drunk girls out tonight that need to be taken care of." My friends tried to ask the police for help, for warning signs, what they should do, "Do I look like a fucking paramedic?" He said. (Police ARE trained on this shit.) I was mostly incoherent Monday, in a lot of pain, struggled to breath, couldn't keep even water down. Head was throbbing. Bile is not fun to puke up. I finally went to the ER around 4pm, thank god. They didn't seem to believe that I was drugged because limited tests came back negative.

I'm dizzy, I'm slow, I don't have energy, my sight is blurry, everything hurts. I'm forcing myself to work. I'm nauseous. It hurts to look at screens.

I've told a few people at work, and I've gotten a fair amount of, "you probably had more than you realized," "you need to increase your tolerance!" "Sometimes bartenders just burn drinks," "the bartender definitely didn't drug you, they don't do that," "sometimes bartenders have brown Everclear that could have gotten you," "maybe you're just allergic to one alcohol."

I started convincing myself that it was my fault. But I've drank heavily in the past. I've drank Everclear all night and been fine. No matter what, I always remember everything. One night I even accidentally drugged myself with Xanax (I was dumb and didn't realize that that was hella dangerous.) I remembered the whole thing. NYE I forgot everything. And the day after I thought I was going to die.

I don't know. This is my first bout with victim blaming and it's even minor and it's the worst. I was probably drugged. That's probably why I still feel terrible now. And it wasn't my fault.

And I'm probably never going to drink again because you can't trust people. Not even emergency personnel. Because they'll refuse to take you in to the hospital when you obviously need to go because they have "50 other drunk girls to deal with."

[britnijean]

Mental breaks are dumb because they are always over stupid stuff and the stupid stuff makes me want to die. I keep having to tell myself, “Don’t hit your head on the doorway, don’t hit your head on the wall, I know the edge of the tub looks good, but don’t do it. Don’t smash your head on the mirror. That would be a mess.”

I’ve always had this fixation on my head. I want to smash it. I want to stick needles through it. I want to hurt it to kill where these stupid dumb thoughts are coming from. 

If I call my boyfriend up in this mess, it will push him away from me. He will be offended, as though I am blaming him. I have ruined his night. And I’m not sure if all of these assumptions are true--I think that’s the illness and the way I grew up with an angry and mentally and verbally abusive dad. 

But I don’t know. I’m sure some of it would prove true. It can be a pain in the ass to deal with crazy people.

Instead I take my medicine, hope it puts me to sleep before I do anything terrible, and wake up for another day with no resolutions.

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(#Repost from #emilysuenetz @instagram)