“Nothing’s gonna get in the way A thousand miles couldn’t kill the desire.” - In the Way by Christian Kuria
August for me is the spiritual beginning of the year. Summer is ending, and school is in session. This month feels like a reset even though it has been 3 years since I’ve attended a school. January and August have very similar feelings when it comes to the self, and preparing myself for success. As I prepared to write this month's blog post I actually wondered if I had been writing these for a year now. Close-ish, This will be month eight out of the twelve complete! Yay me!
Since summer is ending, here is the songs that I had on repeat for the hot and rainy month of July:
“THAT GUY” - by Tyler, The Creator
“Get Up (feat. Chamillionaire)” - by Ciara and Chamillionaire
“Romeo” - by Sublime
“Its You and Me” - by Alejandro Aranda
If you’ve paid any mind to my last few blog posts, then you can probably tell that I go through phases. I’ll lock in for a while, things will feel great, and then I’ll get back to old habits. For example, the last two weeks I’ve been pretty focused on creating a schedule for myself. I know to some extent I am neurodivergent but haven't bothered figuring out what exactly that means for me. I do know that setting up a schedule, setting up tasks that need to get done during the day helps me focus. 6:00 wake up, 6:30 write morning pages, 7:00 eat breakfast, so on and so forth. The last week has been pretty successful with my schedule. It's not imperfect. I don't always work out at the allotted time, or I don't read for the full thirty minutes that's been jotted down. Or sometimes, like right now I’m writing this instead of my morning pages (I procrastinated my blog post again). Today I chose to sleep in until 7 because I’ve been so tired. Because of that half of my morning schedule got condensed.
Something is definitely missing from this schedule that keeps me going for longer than a month. There's a couple things that I have considered. I am a completionist and a slight perfectionist. If I mess up once I tend to give up the whole thing. If I sleep in once, I say oh it's okay I can sleep in again. I can also acknowledge that I am not getting enough sleep, which is what really holds me back from continuously waking up at 6:00 (even though I’ve been successful aside from today). I hardly get enough sleep even with the schedule I’ve laid out. I like to have free time that goes into the evening and because of that I am very tired. That tiredness slowly creeps up and causes me to sleep into my wake up time. Over and over again.
With this fresh routine I wonder what songs I’ll be replaying as I struggle to balance life? Maybe these:
“Where Does the Time GO (feat. Joji) - by Rich Brian and Joji
“tongue” - by Dylan Reynolds
“KEEP IT SOUTHERN” - by BROCKHAMPTON
“FATHER FIGURE” - by Jon Bellion
Here’s the link to August, and those potential songs to get stuck in your head.
“And I have a red kite I’ll put you right in it I’ll show you the sky” - Sister by Sufjan Stevens
This month, my sister turns 21. She still doesn't feel like a full blown adult to me even so. She’ll always be my little sister. Despite feeling like she's still a kid, she's been making moves to show us otherwise. For, really the first time in our lives she won’t be living with me. For a year I lived with my grandma, just me, and then my sister moved in too. Then we lived with my aunt and uncle for a couple years. Now as she turns 21 she is finishing up her move into an apartment with her friends.
It’s sad that I won’t hear her come home anymore. Even though her late night shenanigans kept me up, and her early morning alarm woke me up, I’ll be missing the times I can just walk down the hall to go sit in her room and steal some of her hot chips. Even now when I hear the front door open I wonder if it is her coming home after work.
She’s a younger sister all right. She pisses me off, and stresses me out. But, I love her and I am proud to see her grow up and make life her own. Thankfully she's only moved 30 minutes away, when I know it could be a lot further.
“So it seems I've lost my time… Looking for a place to go Finding my way Home” - Finding My Way Home by Far Caspian
The joy of having these little time capsule playlists is the surprises I find when I haven't gone back to them in a really long time. I get to re-discover music that apparently I once knew and loved. My first monthly playlist was made back in early 2017 so that means it will almost be 10 years of making playlists (though I skipped some years in between). Since I’ve been trying to focus on the old, and bring back goodies from these former years, I have spent a lot of time in the old playlists in preparation for the new ones.
I discovered that I knew a couple songs by the Huntrix singers before they were Huntrix. Rei Ami, Audrey Nuna, and EJAE show up in my old playlists. I also discovered that I knew the song “Evergreen” by Richy Mitch & The Coal Miners when it came out back in 2017. RMCM are actually a local band to me, and I listened to them because a friend of mine in high school knew the band personally. Listening to my 2017 playlists I was able to find the history I had forgotten about.
It’s been fun to learn things about my own music taste that somehow escaped me, and had just gotten lost in time. My taste has changed so much that I don’t even like a lot of the songs in my early playlists anymore. There are also songs I have a fresh new love for too. There are songs I do not ever even remember listening to on these playlists! It is great fun, and honestly I suggest to anyone reading to make them. Even if it isn't every month of the year, making a playlist that allows you to be transported in time is so satisfying. A satisfaction that for me is 9 years in the making.
Are there songs you used to listen to you don't like anymore? Or songs you’ve rediscovered years after listening to them? Do you make monthly playlists or just one giant one?
“Hard to pretend that anything could last No buildings will burn, no, nothing will collapse Just watch us step through the echoes of the past” - Echoes of the Past by Current Joys
As I am writing this I am in a different state than I normally reside. June is coming to its sweet end. Summer is no longer the extended break that it used to be for me. Instead the plans load up with work remaining constant. It's busy just like the holiday winter season but adds sweat to the mix with these record highs. My family is currently on its bi-annual trip to our extended family’s cabin. A momentary rest from our 9-5s. So despite June’s exit, July has arrived and with it, the time I look forward to the most.
This place is filled with endless memories. A two day trip with I-spy games, firefly chasing, and long car ride naps takes us to the cabin of my dreams. Where I would live ideally if I didn’t have to work, or wasn't living in a whole other state. We have large family dinners, long reading sessions, and sunset pontoon rides. Looking out the screen doors, a man standing on a small fishing boat is seen through the trees. The water is smooth today.
It is a location full of nostalgia for my younger years. For sleeping on small cots and fold out couches in order for everyone to find their place. For my uncle Steve’s ghost stories that left my sister and I screaming when a bat hit our window in the evening. For listening to Metric and Flyleaf on the small pink Ipod that I no longer have.
It’s incredible how memories formed in places you don't live can form your personality in ways more obvious than in the places you're in most of your life. This trip always re-unites our family, both extended and close. I feel close to my family here even though I only see them every two years (if that). I have memories that have stuck with me and influence my daily life back home too.
Whenever I sleep in unfamiliar places I must sleep with headphones on. If for some reason I cant do that, I have to wear some garment that covers my ears. I have to protect them. All because when I was a lot younger, a bug flew onto my ear while I was trying to sleep in the cabin. Reinforcing the fear that bugs want to get into my ear for a home. Its buzzes haunt me evermore.
What places form your core memories? Or fears?
“Every time I wanna go and get gone You stop me with one touch” - Bad by ATEEZ
At the end of June, ATEEZ, one of my favorite K-pop groups had a comeback, a new album and a new sound. This lyric reigns to be true when it comes to being a K-pop fan. You want to save money? No. You want to listen to other music. No. As soon as any group I like comes back, I am in the swing of K-pop addiction all over again.
The question is? Will the new album end up on my repeat list for the coming month of July?
In June, post XLOV’s comeback, my repeats looked like this:
“LIKE YOU DO” by NJOMZA
“Bruises Off The Peach” by Ryan Beatty
“Sandy” by Whirr
“Masterpiece” by XLOV
When it comes to adding K-pop to my monthly playlists I try to limit it to around 5 songs. Similarly I try to limit the amount of songs per artist to 2 songs. My goal is to find new music and new artists so hopefully I’ve managed to make it very diverse, though it can always have more diversity.
However- I listen to such a vast range of K-pop alone that it becomes very difficult to limit it when I just plain want to listen to it! The attempt to diversify my listening seems futile sometimes when all I want to listen to is the same songs over and over again in each playlist. K-pop is also a never ending cycle with new music every month it seems. A curse to both the listener and probably the artist.
Here is what I think July has in store for me when it comes to repeats:
“Not For Sale” by ENHYPEN
“THAT GUY” by Tyler, The Creator
“Blue Gatorade” by Conner Youngblood
“Get Up (feat. Chamillionaire)” by Ciara and Chamillionaire
I tried to fill the July playlist with summer bangers, including plenty of K-pop but also with songs that sound like you're sitting lakeside, feeling the breeze in your hair as you write. (At least I hope that is what the playlist sounds like).
“I have a secret place inside my mind Where I keep hidden inspiration you wont find” - Romeo by Sublime
For some reason (I actually think I know the reason) I find it a lot easier to write while I’m here on our vacation. More so than just a normal day off. More so than any other vacation. The added free time is certainly part of it, the freedom to just focus on what I’m working on and not have to worry about anything else, because the way I spend my time is entirely up to me.
The main piece that I am working on is something quite nautical. There is something about looking out a window on a road trip to the never ending prairies, and then looking out the window of the cabin to the waves that are close enough to look like an ocean that are inspiring for such a piece.
I have been working on this nautical novel for a very very long time. The largest chunks of my writing for that project have been done here at this cabin I am in. It is always a pleasure to be able to get into a flow, with the water next to me. Even so- this is a habit that I need to get out of. I cannot allow myself to only write productively every two years and in a specific place!
At least I have managed to stay on track with these blog posts. Here is more summer listening. Find a cool place to read and enjoy, and let me know what your summer plans are!
“So you can play your favorite song It will tell me everything I need to know about you” - Frequency by Elton Aura, Andrew Bedows, Burns Twins, Jean Deaux.
May is gone and summer is in full bloom! School ending no longer pertains to me so for me it just means hot weather and that I have to find something suitable in my closet for my business casual job. I have, however, officially turned 25, which really means nothing in the grand scheme of things! Life is the same as it was just before I turned a quarter of a century. The biggest changes are the ones that occur over longer than just a year. So despite feeling unchanged in this moment I am proud of where I am at this age.
Some things as I age remain constant- my favorite song is not one of those things. Once, not too long ago, I made a playlist to share my all time favorite songs with someone so they could get to know me. We limited it to 10 songs which was asking a lot of me. Despite it feeling impossible, I was able to get to this list:
“ILY x11” by dandelion hands
“Landing On Mars” by rei brown
“Kids” by Current Joys
“Uhgood” by RM
“Warm You” by Matty and Mandaworld
“The end.” by November Ultra
“Ur Name on a Grain of Rice” by Runnner
“Ladyfingers” by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass
“Curls” by Bibio
Curated over a year ago, this list is still mostly accurate, but there is a lot of music out there. Releases come every week, and new artists spring up. My actual favorite song playlist is over 600 songs long. Try narrowing that down to 10 songs!!
What does this say about me?
The list above are songs that evoke nostalgia, emotion, tears, and create a swell in my heart. Songs that I had gatekept in my heart. Sharing them felt like opening a secret box and now that it's open, here I am sharing them on a public blog. If you listen to any of the songs I talk about on my blog, these are the ones I recommend. This list might be the real tell of whether we agree on music. And if you don't like them? I don’t want to know! I’ll plug my ears and say “lalalala.”
Back to our regularly scheduled programming. The music of May started fresh and hot, and I know in my last post I had hyped it up quite a bit. Listening to the same songs over and over still leads to even the best ones getting stale.
The songs from May that I still have on repeat are:
- “Fool’s Paradise" by Isaac Dunbar
- “LOVE + POP” by Current Joys and YOUR ANGEL
- “Killin’ It Girl (feat. GloRilla) by j-hope and GlorRilla
- “Welcome Change” by Phum Viphurit
Some of my on repeat songs end up in my “Liked Songs” on Spotify. This is where I happen to dump my all time favorite songs. As you scroll through my “Liked Songs” it's almost like a time machine. From my first day on Spotify June 25th 2015 to today. That's over ten years worth of favorites! I wonder what June will bring- and if any lucky songs will end up there.
“Photo album, but the color faded from it If I could go back and tell you how it ends,” - How Much Is Weed? By Dominic Fike.
As I get older, of course so do the people around me. So often the world seems frozen in place because of this. The changes become muted because of the frequency in which you see people or yourself in the mirror. Until you look back at the past, then you can see yourself and others in the freeze frames of times that are long gone.
My grandparents on both sides of my family have begun a purge of things. One of those things I have taken custody of is an album of photos taken during my childhood. The first picture in it is taken three days after my birth. My mother holds me, and she is 19. I of course can not imagine what she is like at 19 because I did not know her. But I know how vastly she has changed into the woman she is now.
Amidst these baby pictures, a picture of me on Halloween in 2011 dressed as a zombie. My sister and I had taken our old school uniforms and dirtied them, using costume makeup to make our faces pale and bloodied.
Half of the album is the first year of my life and this Halloween photo. The final third is when the years begin to scatter, and since it is my grandmother’s photo album, they become mostly snapshots of birthdays and Christmases. The album's pages begin to bulge with stacked pictures and despite being full, another envelope filled with more photos is stuffed in the back.
The most recent photo in the album is in 2019 before I graduated high school. In it I wear a jersey to a soccer team I am not sure exists anymore. I’m holding the itinerary to the England trip my grandmother gifted me for graduation. My dreams and things I worked for then, are so different than they are now. If I asked an 18 year old me what I would be doing today, she would have said “Your books are on the shelves of all the major book stores in the country and maybe you live in London.”
Surprise surprise, you work at a growing credit union and still live at home! While it didn't go as I expected, I have a great job and love the house I live in with my family! I am blessed that I am able to save a lot of money for the things I want. The traveling and concerts I go to would not be possible without the stability that my current life offers.
“Held on too long I think we jinxed it With words on our tongue” - “Talk” by Ralph Castelli.
My aunt told me not that long ago that she had heard that by telling others what you are going to do actually stops you from doing the things. “I’ll go to college in England” “I’ll work on my book” “I’ll learn Korean.” “I’ll move to Korea for a year” “I’ll apply to that job” Jinx. Jinx. Jinx. Jinx.
The stability and blessings that I have, often hold me back from doing things that I have always dreamed. Of course a lot of these dreams are quite unrealistic. Quitting my job and writing full time would be incredible. But then my income is gone. I have savings but how long would they last? I definitely wouldn’t be able to go on any of the trips I have planned in the upcoming couple of years. So of course I won’t just suddenly quit the job I have.
I do think that it would work out if I did. Maybe after a couple more years of working, and saving. Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of buzz saying that in order to really do something, you have to stop letting things hold you back. Confidence comes after, you will always be telling yourself “maybe one day I’ll let myself follow that dream.When the timing is right, when I have enough money”, or whatever the excuse is.
I think if I keep giving myself these excuses, I’ll never end up following my dreams.
If you had nothing tying you down, what would you do?
Summer is the time for this sort of daydreaming. For windows down and wind in your hair. Thinking about where you’d go with no strings. Here is June, some jams to try while feeling the sun on your skin. Some of the songs I think that I’ll end up listening to on repeat this month are:
“Your mother’s, sister’s, lover’s heart is where there’s healing” - Girl Feels Good by FKA Twigs.
April showers are here! After forecasts of hot hot weather that's far too early- we have rain!! On the bridge of days leading to May we've had a little wave of chilly weather and rainy downpours! I love it, and could only wish for it to continue. In the last month our fire risk has gone up and billows of smoke in the distance carry on the wind. I love the gloomy days that encourage indoor activities and cuddling up to a fireplace. April was for me booked and busy, a glance into May and the summer ahead. In the last few years my summers have been filled with concert after concert, so far, I’ve seen Twice and the future is concertless. My repeating concert years are ending in trade for other travel.
My music taste still has its repeats. For April, I was always spinning:
- “Our Happy Place” - Tilly Birds
- “Breña” - A Perfect Circle
- “Ladies” - Fiona Apple
- “Don’t Think of Me” - Dido
Because I’ve seen so many artists in concert I am often considering who else I should be seeing, or who I would have liked to see if I could have. There are people who I could have seen that I didn’t put in the effort or money to see. Like I’ll be missing out on Jon Bellion’s upcoming shows, and FKA Twigs is also coming to my area soon and I won't be going. This year I have also started saving a lot more money than I have in the past. I am of course investing into the concerts of my future.
I skip a lot of my favorite artists' shows, mostly due to not wanting to spend the money or just prioritizing other shows that I would rather go to. K-pop will almost always take precedence. The community and the energy of those shows are just ten times better than almost all other concerts. There are shows I thought would feel similar, like Ashnikko. Her show was incredible but the crowd… not so much. A lot of kind people, but also a lot of people whom I cannot see myself wanting to engage with. Maybe people just get more rude when they’re drunk or high. I also sometimes assume what a crowd will be like and that influences whether or not I’ll want to go to a show. Sometimes I think you just get unlucky with the crowd that goes.
Once I saw Joji in concert, and unsurprisingly there was a significant increase in the amount of men that were at that show. This was in comparison to the heavily woman populated shows I frequent. It was different, the crowd was not as open to the soft ethereal quality of Rei Brown’s music as he opened. (One of my all time favorite artists) I heard booing and shit talking from the crowd as I sang along to all of his songs. This was a Saturday night show, and a friend told me that the Sunday show was the opposite, enjoying the vocalist’s aerial quality. I guess in that case I just got unlucky with the crowd.
The same way that I skip some of these shows I also skip the songs in my playlist. Honestly I don't usually regret adding a song to my playlists, but this time I did. The number one skip of April was “Remember To Dance (Little Things)” by Bruno Major and Adrian Berenguer. This song would last only a couple of seconds before I would shut it down. The lyrics themselves are pleasant and cute, but the intentional childlike piano just ended up annoying me. A lesson for future me.
“Childhood dreams Endless freefall is evidence of growth” - Growing Pain by TOMORROW X TOGETHER.
May, aside from the month of October, is probably my favorite time of year. Why? Not only is it my birth month but it is also my mother’s birth month as well. There is a lot to celebrate, including the mark of summer and school ending. Even though I am no longer in studies, May always carries the feeling of a chapter coming to an end and something new beginning. When I graduated high school, the day we turned our caps, also marked my eighteenth birthday. The same week I graduated University I turned twenty two. For the eighteen years of my life that I was in school May marked the end of a school year but also the start of a new year of life. This year I am turning twenty five which marks over a quarter of my life complete. That is terrifying, knowing that it goes so quickly, and each year will only be faster and faster than the rest. Free falling through life.
It’s scary also knowing how different I envisioned my future when I graduated high school. How different I envisioned my life when I graduated college. At graduation of high school I envisioned my five year plan as writing non stop and having already published a book. In college I planned to study Korean hard and move for a year to Seoul to teach. I did publish small stand alone pieces in a college literary journal, and I did go to South Korea for a month to celebrate graduation after college. Now, I am working at a local bank, which I never envisioned for myself. I am blessed to have a job that has the benefits it does but it doesn’t exactly fit in with the dreams I had for my future.
When I was younger, I imagined a romantic future. I said twenty five was the perfect age to get married, and I would have a kid before thirty. Now, I’m not interested in dating, and I do not want children. I thought for a blip of time that I would grow up to be like my dad and be a chef. It sounded fun. I do not cook. In elementary school I started writing a book. In middle school, one of my best friends told me her dream was to go to New York and be a journalist, and I decided that I should take my writing more seriously like her. I have pretty much never stopped clinging to that dream, even when I thought about teaching in Korea, writing was always something that I would be doing alongside it. I wonder now, if writing is something I need to let go. There are no dreams that call to me anymore. The childhood innocence is gone and everything seems unattainable. “You can do anything you set your mind to” seems so much more like fiction when you grow up into the real world.
“We get to live this right now I don't want to be that foolish” - Collapse by Y La Bamba.
My pessimism hits me hard. It’s something that I know I need to reverse. My dreams aren’t lost. Maybe they need to be revived, changed, altered, or maybe I just need to refresh my way of thinking. So many people say to live in the moment, to be present. This advice gets lost on younger ears. This advice doesn’t seem to hit until it's too late. It's hard to practice this in real time, especially when you aren’t actively living the way you deem as ideal. There are days this is easier. Like now as I write this. I have the privilege to sit at my favorite cafe. It’s colder in here than me and my mother would like. They’ve left the air on since it has been hot, but outside it is rainy and cold. At first our coffee and tea was warming our hands but we’ve been sitting here so long now that it is just room temp. My toes are starting to numb, but I’ve been able to write essentially this whole post in one sitting. A plum car drives by the wide open windows, a mom in a pastel yellow sweater and her small son walk in the grass across the street. Next to my mom is a fern who must have been thriving when it was sunny, but several dried up leaves dust the top of the chest it's sitting on. See that's not so hard. I take a deep breath and move on. I’ll try to not move through May too fast. I’ll make sure that I slow down as I move into twenty five years of age.
I won't blow out the candles until near the end of the month, so here are the songs I think will be on repeat for the remaining time I’ll be twenty four.
- “Fools Paradise” - Isaac Dunbar
- “So What” - TOMORROW X TOGETHER
- “Wake Up And Smell The Coffee” - The Cranberries
- Rose Golden- Kid Cudi and WILLOW
Here is the link to May!
Do you have any songs you have to hear during your birthday? I tend to make my May playlists up of songs that are my favorite, or just really fun songs in general. Hopefully you’ll find some bangers in this one.
"I'm petty at best, someone to pity at worst. Putty in beautiful hands, potty mouth— ready to curse. Cursed to be curious if all of this is a scam, and I had to google 'narcissist' to check if that's what I am."
“Close your eyes pretty girl ‘Cause it’s easier when you brace yourself Set your thoughts on a world so far off” - Set Apart This Dream by Flyleaf.
April Fools! My prank was not posting my blog yesterday! So funny haha, and not procrastination at all.
Now that I have written 4 blog posts and made 4 playlists it's time to refresh myself and my little audience on my intention behind doing this. The theme I chose for my playlists this year was “throwbacks”. If anyone other than V and I are listening to the playlists (hi) then they probably wouldn't understand the throwback aspect of my playlists. My playlists include songs from all eras so what exactly are the throwbacks? Since my playlists are catered for me, my throwbacks do include songs like “Set Apart This Dream” and Dido’s “Don’t Think of Me”. These are nostalgia inducing for someone who listened to them with their mom in the early 2000’s. My throwbacks might also include “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri because I miss listening to it like I did in 2022. Essentially I just want to go back to the old days!
For a long period of time I was always discovering new music and finding new artists and genres I’d never explored. Then I started having less time to do that consistently and started listening to the same things over and over again (Mostly BTS and other K-pop during 2023-2025). I want to get back to creativity and a key part of that is discovery. It takes effort to listen to new music and really hear it. You have to be open minded when listening to new artists and new genres you wouldn’t normally listen to. I think it is important to put in that effort for music- for art.
March I felt that groove creeping back in which is why I need this reminder. The March playlist did not satisfy the itch in my brain. I found myself wanting to listen to my other playlists instead. I still had my favorites of course.
“Darlin’” by Jean Dawson
“Turn The Page- Live” by Bob Seger
“Distractions” by Wild Painting
“WASH” by Jon Bellion
These were my repeated songs of the month. They turned out vastly different from what I had expected them to be. I also hadn’t expected most of the playlist to be a skip for me. I like all 50 songs, and none of them in particular stood out as I couldn't listen to them anymore, but the whole playlist felt like a blur of “this is just okay”.
Making April has also felt like a blur. However, now that I’ve listened to it a little, I think this playlist will be better by far. Summer is here!!! ( I was right the weather has skipped spring all together and it is in the 80’s). I hate it! Summer is good for one thing, and that is a guaranteed break. Except now… that is no longer guaranteed unless you work at a school which I do not. I hate sweating and I hate sitting in my car and burning my skin. I want to be wrapped in a heated blanket and sip on hot coco and that is just not feasible in the scorching heat. If it could be autumn all year round, I would accept that.
The change in climate also means that the sounds of my playlists are changing too. April should be the sounds of rain and blooming and the seasons changing, but now I feel like I need to rewind that into March and now I need to have more upbeat music starting earlier in the year. I prefer sad dark November/October sounds and those are getting harder and harder to squeeze into these warmer months. Anyways, welcome to April.
“Baby, nothing lasts forever, and death is so much greater” Sojourn by Joji.
Life just goes and goes and goes and goes. Yesterday was January first and, yet I’m almost 25 and my May birthday is right around the corner. I hope that with the final parts of my brain developing I can be rid of my crippling anxiety, the inability to focus, and the nonexistent motivation. To be honest that is probably just undiagnosed mental illness. Still, as time goes on I can only hope to become a better me and I guess as I near May, I am feeling a little more hopeful than earlier this year.
Nothing lasts forever is the title of a short story I wrote once. It could represent fleeting moments, and how our lives move in a flash. Memories become all that is left as calendar pages flip. It could also be a sign of hope. The bad days will be gone as soon as they appear. The feelings of depression and hopelessness will fade. They may come back but they will not be permanent even if just a moment they're gone.
“Be easier on yourself, just give it time No feelings final, babe, things will be fine” Be Easier On Yourself by Aminé.
My old therapist told me to stop listening to my favorite songs. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I love sad music. I don’t remember what I had said to her for her to ask me to stop listening, but she did tell me that: “If something is triggering you- no matter how good it is you probably shouldn't engage with it”
At the time I was in a bad enough space that this was helpful. She is right even if at the time I was stubborn and continued to listen to “mirrored heart” by FKA twigs despite how much it hurt me and reminded me of someone who had broken my heart. “Did you want me all? No, not for life Did you truly see me? No, not this time…” That song was on repeat!!!! I remember vividly, driving home after my shift, up my dark alley way, the pavement tinged yellow by the streetlight. “Were you ever sure? No, no, no, not with me” I sobbed while driving up the hill, glad I was safely on a side road instead of driving around glaring headlights. I finally agreed with my therapist and didn't listen to that song again for a long time. Thankfully, and perhaps due to my therapist's advice, I can listen to that song. Even if it reminds me of that person, I'm not so sad or mad about it anymore.
I think my predicted April repeat songs are safe to listen to. Maybe they’ll elicit a strong emotional reaction out of me one day, but right now they just resonate as absolute bangers.
“Be Careful With Me” by Omar Apollo
“Breña” by A Perfect Circle
“Try Me” by Djo
“Breathe” by Khalid, ft Arlo Parks
“A negative force tests my vital points Now I’m off target, heartless Treading through troubled waters Life goals appearing out of order Dreams become slaughtered” Path to Rhythm by Bahamadia.
My blog posts seem circular. I’m hopeful and productive, then I’m depressed and stuck. I talk about the same feelings every month. I’m not sure what to do about that. I feel the same every month. Aside from the occasional bits of new and exciting. Hopefully in the coming months life will begin to flourish. Otherwise I might need to make a drastic change!! Changes on this blog will likely include some album and concert reviews! Otherwise I will for sure cut my hair, maybe dye it. I’ve been looking at new jobs, and I know I need a good vacation, or at least a day off to do nothing.
Listen to some fun music this April and check out my playlist here!
“Don’t you ever change your mind Give me time to weigh this out” - Give Me Time by New Hope Club.
I guess I thought that winter was inevitable. Half the country is in blizzard like conditions, but here, where I live, the last week has felt like early summer. Our temps have been in the 70’s and when you get in the car you burn up. When I talk to people here about the weather, everyone, including me, says that the snow is still coming. We might get snow in May like we have in the past. But, honestly, I think we all just want to give ourselves a little hope that the drought we are inevitably headed towards will be quenched by heavy snow. I do think that we will get more winter, but less so than we imagine. Less so than ever before. (Prove me wrong mother nature).
All that, just to tell you that my songs are heating up a little bit. A little more pep in the step of the beats. February’s romance lingers, and spring is here whether I want it or not. March is taking over!! What does that mean… I don't know? Saint Patrick's Day is this month, and one of my best friends was born many years ago on this fateful month!
It’s time to say goodbye to the short lived month of February and the songs that will end up the least listened to. It passed by so quickly that I feel like I barely have enough feelings to write about it. A blur of sounds, my repeats for February were not really that repeated… woops. Here’s as accurate as I feel I can get for my repeat list:
“Parabola” by TOOL
“PEACE & VIOLENCE” by Faouzia
“Romeo” by PinkPantheress
“Please Don't Fall In Love With Me” by Khalid
Don't know what the heck I’m talking about? Here’s a link to my first blog post.
I do have very notable skips for February. “Black Coffee” by Julie London just fell short of the love I have for some of her other recordings. The song itself is lovely sounding but the lyrics hold it back for me. “Now man is born to go a-lovin’ A woman's born… to stay at home and tend her oven” Unfortunately regardless of her intention (which the tone is hard to tell in this song) it did not read as feminist so I kept skipping it!
“Therapy” by LONG/LAST is a great song made by a smaller alternative band. A week after I added the song to my playlist they added a video to the background of the Spotify player. I have a pretty strong stance against AI and I did end up skipping the song a few times because of the unattractive AI video that was used as the background.
Even though February was just a passing moment I am welcoming the March playlist with open arms. Music, at least for me, isn't really impacted by the vibes of March, aside from the change in weather. I don’t have a feeling about what it's supposed to sound like… other than I think it’d be nice to hike, or roll out a picnic blanket.
“And I’ve been waiting for the sunset Waiting on a sorry” - UNETHICAL by Faouzia.
My mom introduced me to Faouzia, and I am absolutely obsessed with her voice. “PEACE & VIOLENCE” ended up on the repeats for February, and I think it's only natural her hit song “UNETHICAL” follows after. Honestly I just want to keep hitting the re-wind button just to listen to it over and over again! She's not the only repeat for the upcoming month of March, but definitely my favorite so far.
Predicted repeats for the month of March:
“WASH” by Jon Bellion
“Mice” by Billie Marten
“UNETHICAL” by Faouzia
“Liquid” by Ashnikko
“It’s hard for me to go home Be so lonely” - To Be So Lonely by Harry Styles
I am not a dedicated Harry Styles fan by any means. I have not listened to his newest album and honestly am not sure that I will. However, I was at some point listening to his music consistently. When Fine Line the album came out I was listening to that and Harry Styles everyday. A girl I was friends with in college bought tickets to his show with me. Two for her and her friend, and two for me and my sister. It was going to be the time of our fangirl lives!!!
Covid hit.
Ugh I know, I didn't want to bring that mess up. It did unfortunately get the show rescheduled. I don't even remember how much time passed from when I bought the tickets to when I actually went to the show.
Harry Styles and I… not sure if we align on all of our views- and for me that's pretty important. Especially when I am engaging with the artist in more ways than through their music. During the pandemic I stopped listening to him as much as I had been, and I changed significantly as a person. I hadn’t talked to that college friend in months. My music taste had changed drastically and I was getting more politically active. We thought about selling the tickets. But hell, my sister and I knew all the songs so we decided fuck it lets go!
This was not my first concert, but it definitely ignited something in me. My sister and I lined up early, 12pm when the sun was at its highest. We sat on the sidewalk next to others who had been waiting a lot longer. It ended up being worth it as somehow, we managed to get a spot one person behind the barricade. We dressed up in matching outfits, I shaved my head and dyed my hair pink. My sister and I danced with the girls around us and sang our hearts out. Harry styles even sprayed us with his water bottle. It was exhilarating, and even now I can picture the stage and the people who waited in line hours before we did. I remember walking to and from our little camp outside and exactly how one of the girls behind us at the concert looked like. I remember thinking the lady guitarist was hot, and getting to see a coworker in the stands. The memories are selective, and I have a lot of the music on video but honestly the whole experience was fun not just the show itself.
For the last 4 and a half years I’ve been to 23 other concerts and this year I have 3 already scheduled. I've traveled to Tennessee, Chicago, California, and Texas and seen 17 different artists in this time. I’ve run into people at the airport that we met at previous concerts and made friends with people from other states. I've gone with different groups of my friends but we’ve made a consistent little crew for our K-pop shows. It’s a concert, but it's also a fashion show, a meet and greet, and a time for traveling. Concerts are what I save my money for, and I cant wait for my next show!
The March playlist can be found here. Give it a listen and tell me which artists you would see in concert. This month I am seeing Ashnikko!!
“Been searching for someone of my own kind” - Tomb by Angelo De Augustine.
The year is in full swing now. As I had expected, this new year has felt a lot different than the ones of my past. Instead of giving myself new year goals that require daily work (which is just exhausting), I instead have let myself ease into my routine. It’s working so far, and I can only hope to continue to see myself checking the boxes. January is cold and bitter, and unfortunately it will only stay that way where I live for months ahead. Months are usually associated with the holidays which reside in them, and of course February is the month of love. In this month’s playlist I’ve attempted to maintain the chilly vibes that reflect the below freezing temps, while also warming up a little with some love songs. If we are honest- most music if not all is a representation of love. Whether it be for a partner, family, life, the love for the art of music itself, or even the love of hating things. Art is a production of something that someone cared enough about to make something beautiful out of it.
So, I stuff February full of love songs, more so than any other month. The sappy, the cute, the serenades, this playlist is full of it, (a little heartbreak too). I am a romantic deep down, at least in my head. It’s mostly my life that I try to romanticize.
Before I move on to the February playlist, I want to give January a proper goodbye. My predictions on repeat songs were fairly accurate. Here’s an updated list.
“Eusexua” by FKA Twigs
“Lonely is the Muse” by Halsey
“Gifted Every Strength” by Loathe
“if you wanna” by WONHO
If you weren't here for the last playlist then here is the link to January.
With fifty songs to listen to for four weeks, some of the repetition does some songs in. Songs end up being a sort of filler, or a skip. This doesn’t mean a song is bad, or that I dislike it. I curate my playlists specifically to my taste and to the sound of the time. Inevitably there are songs I hear too many times or just have to be in a certain mood for. I want to be able to share those songs alongside my repeats.
One of my skips was “Take off” by 2PM. I first heard this song when I began watching the anime Blue Exorcist. I don’t know the exact time I started but likely some time in 2018. It was likely a turning point for me music wise, and if we think the butterfly effect is real it’s probably what led to me listening to K-pop in the first place. I have a lot of love for that song since it is the first song by a K-pop group I ever listened to, despite being a Japanese song.
“We Should Get Married” by Sports was another song that ended up on my skip list. This song is a song I think would play great at a wedding. It is one of my top songs out there, but every time it came on I found myself not wanting to get sick of it. So it became a filler. The songs I skip are hard to predict. Sometimes my favorite songs end up being the ones I get sick of the fastest.
“I wanted to do so many things but I kept being chased by time.” - Another Day by Stray Kids.
Don’t mind me if I get a little pessimistic here. I think I’m just feeling what everyone else is feeling. At 6:30 my alarm goes off. I get up, get ready for work, and then start my small commute. I am at work at 8:30 and on the days we get out the latest I am leaving at 6:30. I do get an hour lunch and two fifteens but during that time I really like to decompress from the stress of my job. So 12 hours of my day is dedicated to being or preparing to be at work. I get home and in order to get a decent amount of sleep I am in bed at 10 PM. Roughly three hours I get to myself..
Time is slipping through my fingers and honestly it feels pretty fucking hopeless half the time. I need the job that consumes my life. There’s a lot that I want to accomplish with very little time. I could “lock in” but honestly I’m tired. So there's my little rant. Maybe though, by writing it down, and getting it out I’ll actually do the things I want.
I want to go hiking more. I want to take a pottery class. I want to finish Baldur’s Gate Three. I want to organize my game station. I want to cook healthy meals. I want to play soccer again. I want to see more movies in the theater. I want to get a massage.
Of course I can do all of these things. They just require a lot of work. And I do enough of that. Whoops, I guess I’m a glass half full person. (At least today I am).
“Who do you love? Who do you love? In a sky full of red. You’re my light.” - OBLIVIOUS, by Jon Bellion.
Is anyone reading this a therapist?
There’s a lot of variables. I have a lot of different reasons, external and internal factors as to why I feel the ways I do. Why we feel the ways we do. I consider myself an introvert. I plan things and cringe at the thought of a spot on my calendar being marked. However, very occasionally I get excited for them. Looking at this cynically, I think as I am writing this I pieced together the reason for my excitement.
They always included time away from work.
No, no. Back to the serious lovey dovey talk I was going to have.
I love the people in my life. I enjoy quality time with my loved ones. The traditions of my family are a huge highlight of my year. Up and coming is Valentine's Day! Every year we have a fondue night all together to celebrate the day of love. I think it’s important to surround yourself with loved ones, or even treat yourself to a solo date when Valentine’s comes around. Of course the focus is on the couples, and the romance. It can, however, be whatever celebration of love that you want it to be. Such as boiling a pot of broth and layering sticks of various meats inside of it, and of course inevitably losing your cube of chicken when your grandfather's fondue stick bumps the 7 others in the pot.
So go and celebrate love! The way that you want to!
The whole February playlist can be found here.
A playlist full of love songs, I wonder how many will make you yearn? A few might get stuck in my head, replayed to sing along to my hearts content. Here is my predicted on repeat list:
“Please Don't Fall In Love With Me” by Khalid
“Herem” by Perfume Genius
“Strangers In The Night” by Frank Sinatra
“Heaven is a Home…” by Kali Uchis
If not fondue, what Valentine’s awaits you?
Let's Get Lyrical @brknbridges-brknhearts - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
