You know, one of the funny things about being who I am is the possibilities meeting others has.Ā I get excited when new people come into my life because Iām interested to see who Iāll become in front of them.Ā Sometimes itās good, sometimes itās bad, sometimes itās TERRIFYING but...Ā itās exciting.
To say Iām a mirror is a simplification.Ā Iām like one of those magic mirrors that tries to be what you most desire but ends up creating a terrifying abomination.Ā Itās not that Iāve got bad social skills or Iām bad at reading people, itās just that I apply them in precisely the wrong way all the time.
Iām not proud of this, thereās no virtue in being what somebody else desires at the expense of yourself.Ā Iām also far from unique, itās an extremely common affliction for people coming from shitty families or other bad environments where they NEEDED to erase themselves to survive.Ā The ego is a powerful thing, even if you were never in physical danger it doesnāt mean you werenāt fighting for your life, your reason to exist, every single day.
And there IS a person inside me.Ā Iāve seen glimpses of them.Ā Getting excited about stupid things, going on spontaneous adventures, making cool stuff for themselves and themselves only.Ā I want to let them out of their goddamn box, but the moment anybody else so much as GLANCES in my direction they scurry back to hide under that blanket of imitation.
I mean itās a valid question, what even is authenticity anyway?Ā Certainly being authentic shouldnāt be conflated with being an asshole.Ā I think itās good to take other peopleās needs into account, even if they conflict with your own.Ā You donāt need to be yourĀ āfull selfā for every second, especially if that conflicts with someone youāre close to.
But thatās the thing, itās a choice.Ā Youāre choosing to not be loud or not get angry in order to respect somebodyās needs or traumas.Ā No matter how much time you spend with them you will never question whether you are able to be those things, because you know that you are a loud and exciting person at heart.
Now remove that bedrock.Ā Imagine somebody telling you that they would prefer if you didnāt use the letterĀ āMā in conversation, and never questioning it for a second.Ā You spend a few hours with the person, and you start to wonder how you even used it before.Ā Itās a bad letter, you think, they have a few good points.
The person didnāt do anything wrong.Ā They didnāt brainwash you, they merely made you aware of a preference.Ā It was the appropriate thing to do, they probably didnāt expect you to follow it.
But then they leave.Ā And you find yourself still not using that letter, still looking over your shoulder every time somebody else does.Ā Itās absurd.Ā Itās a joke.
That person could be dead and youāll still live your life not stepping on their cracks.Ā They have completely left the equation.Ā Ā
This is not consideration.Ā This is obsession.Ā Ā
The mere idea that somebody could be offended by this action, no matter how innocuous is going to haunt you for years.Ā It joins the family of ghosts riding on your shoulders, always whispering in your ear.Ā Ā
Youāll never be good enough.Ā Ā
Youāll never satisfy them all.
But the good thing is, they have a tendency to leave.Ā It can take years.Ā Decades even, but through time and hard work you can stop looking over your shoulder.Ā When they leave, however, the question remains... what is left?
If I can be anything, who am I?
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