Jackson_Sage

Random poems and sometimes vents

[brokenglassandspilledink]

Intro:

Hi I’m Jackson, he/him

I’m a trans guy, 21

I mostly post poems and the occasional vent. (all vents have the appropriate trigger warnings)

[brokenglassandspilledink]

tell me i’m enough

please, just once,

i don't want to fall short

i just want you to tell me that i’m enough

[brokenglassandspilledink]

I know

How hard it is to be in a relationship with me

With anyone who's depressed

And I think that's what makes it so shitty

My awareness

Because I know

That i’m probably hurting you

Messing you up in some way

But I do it anyway

Because of my twisted way of love

Because I want you

[brokenglassandspilledink]

I think i just want some one to understand,

to not say ‘your parents are trying to make up for the past’

‘they understand that they hurt you’

‘they want to be better’

‘forgive them’

[brokenglassandspilledink]

I feel like people always talk about how much it sucks to be broken up with

And I’m sure it’s terrible

But at least you have someone else to blame

The worst thing about breaking up with someone is that you can only blame yourself

You have no right to feel upset

And if you do, the only person you can be upset at is yourself

[brokenglassandspilledink]

who do I talk to now that you’re gone?

[brokenglassandspilledink]

You know what's messed up?

I knew how this was going to end

I knew I was going to have to break up with you eventually

And I dated you anyway

Because I wanted to love you and I wanted to be loved

[brokenglassandspilledink]

I check my phone

reading the text

“But you were so upset before. I want to help.”

It’s from my dad,

I had called him the day before,

crying

He had hung up, 

apologetically, 

but he still left.

And I love that he wants to help,

but how do I tell him I don’t need him?

That I am grown

that the time when I relied on him is gone

I had needed him and he wasn’t there

So I have evolved

And now it's too late.

[brokenglassandspilledink]

All i’ve ever wanted was to escape

And i have

I’ll still call and visit

But that place won't be my home again

I hated it, every second,

So why is a piece of me mourning it?

Why do I want it back?

[brokenglassandspilledink]

 I am a collection of memories

Of running and scraping my knee

Of reading under the blankets

Of staying up late watching movies

Of hiding in my room to get away from the yelling

Of smiling and nodding to avoid conflict

Of lying and pretending everything is ok

Of panicking before tests and crying over the results

[brokenglassandspilledink]

I wish I had somewhere I could go home to

[brokenglassandspilledink]

that feeling when everything is ok and suddenly I have an overwhelming urge to be unbelievably self-destructive

[brokenglassandspilledink]

I can’t keep doing this

Going back and forth between hating and loving my parents

It’s too much

So please

Just give me one final thing

One thing that pushes me over the edge

Makes me finally stop talking to you

Makes me stop wishing you’ll change

Stop believing you can

Because I do

Wish you would change

And sometimes you do

For a minute or two

And I smile, hoping that this time will be different

That you'll be the parent I need

And not disappoint me again

But you do

Every time

So please

Stop

I can’t keep doing this

[brokenglassandspilledink]

my memories are blurry

on the edge of my vision but never passing through

and I wonder

if there’s anything worth remembering

[brokenglassandspilledink]

I will never be like you

With my dying breath, 

I will curse what you have done to me

Forced me to become mature as a child

Forced me to parent you

Forced me to be more than a child should ever be

So I will never be like you

And I need you to understand

That turning into you is my biggest fear

It always has been

And always will be

[brokenglassandspilledink]

hold me, smile, and tell me that it’s going to be ok

[brokenglassandspilledink]

wait for the call

it’s 11:00 pm

now it’s 12

am this time

waiting

she said she’d call

but i’m tired

unsilence the phone

just in case

turn volume all the way up

sleep

awake an hour later

to a ringing coming from my phone

pick it up

it’s not her

it’s not

she forgot 

but she said she’d call