Broken Nostalgia

Girl: diseased and corrupt. rotten and unethical. Thoughts of the current situation. I reference people by their characteristics. You might wonder how I sleep at night. I do.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

Some Thing You Lose, and Some Things You Just Give Away.

The reason I am able to live this way is simple. The complete and utter absence of fear.

I think I could do it. Purely because I'm not scared. I'm not worried. I would enjoy the challenge. You have have hated it, but you wouldn't have changed a thing. Nietzsche's The Heaviest Burden - I would do it all again. The same way. Every pain and every joy and every thought and every sigh. Even that spider and that moonlight between the trees, and even that moment, and even that demon itself. It is true, and I could do it. I know I could. But it won't happen.

If I ignore it for long enough it will eventually go away.

Remember what I said - it is okay to get angry at other people. Don't put all the blame on yourself. Living like that will make you rotten. I am fine with taking blame, because I know it's not my fault. Belief is a strong thing, if you believe something, no matter what anyone else says your belief should not be swayed. It is okay to get mad at other people. Other people are in the wrong sometimes too. You need to realise this. 

[brokennostalgia-blog]

I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you sing. I think I thought I saw you try.

Trust me, jealously, is not what you should be watching out for. There are much more serious things at stake here, and jealously should be the least of your worries. If you trust him, then trust him. 

Ginger Sideburns' birthday soon. I have a plan. And hopefully the day after it off, which should be good. I just now need to hope the note gets seen, so I'm not put on for my fourth Sunday in a row. I wouldn't mind but I'm at work chuffin' 45 minutes early - which is going to annoy me an awful lot when it gets too cold/wet to sit outside, because people who have the keys to get in always come about half an hour after me. And I don't have the money to afford McDonalds or something.

An hour or so to go. I trust you had a good time.

I have always preferred chaos and destruction to creation. There is beauty in demise. I always found terrible things - like pollution, and industrial settings, and cramped surroundings, and disease, far more beautiful than anything natural. We are the destroyers. And we are beautiful because of it.

'Well, it'll either work out, or it won't.'  I still think that that is a fantastic way of looking at the world. 

[brokennostalgia-blog]

There will always be something else.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

So come on, spin me around, now I don't wanna go home. Because when you hold me like you know my heart skips a beat. I know I should, but I can't leave it alone. And when you hold me like this it's when my heart skips a beat.

Olly Murs

[brokennostalgia-blog]

Well I Guess I've Time to contemplate, i see the things that you must hate. I'll try to change if you just come on home.

' I chose Rita because she is, in her own way, as damaged as me. '

- Dexter.

...Snap.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

Happiness.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

I Don't See What Anyone Sees in Anyone Else, But You.

Turn 20 (become an adult rather than teenager): Check. Get a job: Check. Move out: Check.

I seemed to have turned into an adult awful fast. But this is good. This is the way life should be.  It feels right, y'know?

[brokennostalgia-blog]

Say That You're Into Me. Let Me Know How It Would Be.

Three weeks at Ginger Sideburns' house, and well, the feeling is mutual.

Absolutely brilliant! This even warrants a smiley face! :D

This is seriously making me so happy. And I have found a friend in you I believe. I realised I don't have any real friends. I don't think I ever have. But it's okay, because I know I want you, and I know I love you. And you love me too. So I hope anyway. 

[brokennostalgia-blog]

It's Like A Dream You Try To Remember But It's Gone, Then You Try To Scream But It Only Comes Out As A Yawn.

So going to Ginger Sideburns's (I know, right? What's with the extra 's') for around two entire weeks tomorrow/today. It should be awful fun!

I told him about not knowing what to say to him about Kitty. It went fine. I haven't opened up like that in a while. It went fine.

Unrequited, you fucked me over for a while, but you also made me human again. So thank you.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

This Could Be A Sweet Dream, Or A Beautiful Nightmare.

So I drew a picture for Ginger Sideburns about him being at his ex's and her not having any food or anything in. I mean, she's just being silly now. She expects him to travel all the way down to hers (which is 4 hours in a car, so imagine on a train) and then to get everything he needs while he's down there with his own money. Okay, I'll give her that it's her house and she's letting him stop. But she seems to want to stop this as well because she doesn't like 'being kicked out of her house once a month for a weekend'. 

Yeah, once a month.

For a weekend.

Seriously? How immature can you get. She also expects him to clean up after her. Today he cleaned the bathroom before he gave his daughter a bath, because it hadn't been cleaned since the last time he was down. Seriously? She even had a go at him for not washing her pots she's had stacked up waiting to be washed for a week when he was washing the ones he'd used. Seriously? Jeez.

Let's be honest, she was the one who was cheating on him. She was the one talking about meeting up and fucking someone else. She was the one who is in the wrong here. And she is now suffering because of it, because she can't afford the upkeep for a two bedroomed house as a single parent. And she's having a go at him for it. Seriously? No single parent can do that. Being a single parent is hard. You're not really supposed to do it unless you're megarich. It is her own damn fault. I have no sympathy for her, whatsoever. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it. And she can't go around blaming Ginger Sideburns for her not having any money. 

Ginger Sideburns currently has no job, he's on t'dole. Which means his maintenance he has to pay for his daughter is legally worked out as £5. She asking him to give her £80. He can't afford this. It's impossible for him to afford this amount on dole, because this is the amount he should be giving while he is working. There is a big difference in the amount of money you get. She's then started saying that the only person who get hurt from him not being able to pay that much is his daughter. No, it's not. She doesn't need dance lessons. She doesn't need Gymnastics lessons. She's two. She won't even remember any of this.

The worst part is as well, she's the reason he has no job. Because what she did messed him up so badly he can't work because of his depression. So really, she only has her own damn self to blame.

Please Kitty, do yourself a favour. Grow up, and fuck off. Stop being a whiney bitch who can't get her own way.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

I'm Missing Your Voice At Night Time.

I want to be your best friend.

It's been a while since I've had someone to call a best friend. I could see that happening with you. As long as you're up for it. Unrequited said that she was his best friend, as well as his partner. I couldn't understand that. But I want to, with you.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

Carve Your Heart Out Yourself.

You see, it's not so bad when it works both ways. When both parties want the same things. The thing is when I'm with him I don't want to be anywhere else. With anyone else. The bridge has been crossed. We've talked about moving in. Obviously thinking purely for the future. But it's been said. Maybe nothing will happen with his ex after all? I have won. Nothing will happen. Ever. All I need to do now is to get her to admit defeat.

Do it Ginger Sideburns. Apply for the job you want. 

...That happens to be near where I live. This could work. Amazingly well.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

I Just Had To Leave. 'Cause What I'd Have Done To You.

This weekend will be fun. Ginger Sideburns has a funeral to go to, and then he's staying at his ex's to see his daughter. So I won't get to talk to him very much, and the worse news is his ex's parents have just split, so she might get all upset and need a shoulder to cry on etc. Which means that he might end up realising he's still in love with her. Even though she's with someone else and as she left him she must be happier where she is, right?

I just don't seem to believe that she won't try to get back with him. Maybe just because she can't have him any more. The thing is he can't see her for the bad she did to him, which means he will never be able to stand up to her. She still has him wrapped around her little finger. And the hardest part is that only he can break that. The thing is, with us only being together for not exactly very long is I don't know where I should take my stand. I don't know whether I should say 'You have to do this, it's the best thing to do, you need to work through this and I want to help' or if that's too much, and I should just say 'It's your choice, work things out when you feel like you can but don't force anything.' I mean, in my eyes he needs to pick her apart. He needs to understand what she did to him. The thing is he is closed off to most things, like I am kinda, which means what she did hasn't really set in properly, it's there but the feeling's dulled. If he sees her for what she really is (because at the moment she's still admired, she's still what he wanted and she still cannot do anything wrong), he'll be able to stand up to her. He'll be able to think things through logically rather than just agreeing with everything she says.

But I don't know how much of this I could say to him. Obviously I don't want to say something for him to think I'm a bitch, and therefore he doesn't want to be with me any more, but at the same time I don't want him to think I don't care about him enough to want him to get better.

Don't get back with her. Don't let her lead you on. Don't let her push you over. Stand your ground. You're worth it.

Oh, and stay with me, please. Don't change your mind.

It still gives me that nice funny feeling in my insides when I see you want to talk and spend time with me. I just worry. And I haven't worried in a very long time. That shows you how much I care. That I'm worried you're just having me on.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

'Cause If You're Not Really Here, Then I Don't Wanna Be Either. I Wanna Be Next To You.

The sudden surge of happiness I get when you talk to me is surely not normal. Is it right for my insides to want to escape from my body whenever you say you want to talk to me? My heart jumps a little when you say hello. When you call. When you text. When you message me. Is it right for me to still be completely dumbfounded as to why on earth you would ever want to still be with me?

I don't get it.

But I don't want you to go.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

This Is The Moment, That You Know, That You Told Her That You Loved Her But You Don't.

So after all that with Ginger Sideburns, the news is it's still going good.

We're planning a road trip next year to America! It will be amazing. And we've got to stay friends even if we're not together because that's how cool it will be. But with any luck we will still be together.

He's an amazing artist. To the point where I can't stress how good he is. I have no chance of ever being that good, so I reckon I just have to stick to my cute little things, rather than anything impressive. I mean, I still like what I can draw/make, but I could never compete against him.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

If I Could Write You A Song To Make You Fall In Love, I Would Already Have You Right Under My Arm.

Ginger Sideburns has just been at mine for five days. Something that came up quickly was a definite 'I'm not in love with you. If you say it to me I won't say it back.' It wasn't those words exactly, but enough was said for it to mean that. That's nice to know.

...I get that you will only say 'I love you' to someone you really love. I like that about you, I wish I could do the same. I understand that you won't say it until you're ready. That's fine. Really, it is.

Ugh, the only thing I'm worried about now is how forward I'm being. He knows I want to be with him, that's pretty clear. But sometimes I wonder if I'm saying too much. After finishing my last relationship due to clingyness I really don't want to turn into that myself.

Something I had with The Unrequited Love was 'tenderness'. We would say if the other was being a bit too forward by saying something along the lines of 'Oh, that was a bit tender, heh.' It worked, and it meant we knew how much the other cared. and it was mutual. Going away from the main subject of the post here - Unrequited, you seemed genuinely happy being with me. I hope you're now as happy as you're pretending.

[brokennostalgia-blog]

Just tell me that you feel it too. My sweet that's all I ask of you.

Ginger Sideburns