Broken Warrior Angel

Started this Aug 2013...when I was a 24 yr old girl, on my journey on recovery from depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. Update Jan 2015 - I'm now recovered and have been holding a steady job since May 2014. I treat this as my online diary for myself - a place to vent my feelings. Nobody knows about this except a good friend of mine who I met through here, my previous therapist, and a very special guy in my heart who I used to know. I know he doesn't check it though - but I did share it with him a few years back when we used to talk a lot.

[brokenwarriorangel]

11th July 2016

A fleeting moment. Lasts for seconds, minutes...and gone before you know it. What started as a normal conversation, but the chemistry changed to something magical in an instant. He gazed straight in my eyes, with this smile for the whole conversation. Then at some point that conversation has to end...and you carry on..wondering whether to pursue this person further or not. But it's too late and then he's gone. Will I ever see him again, I don't know...but I know if I do I'm going to make sure he knows I'm interested. If nothing happens again, at least I know that brief moment gave me hope that love is out there for me, and I'll be just fine. People always say you know when you've met the one...and now I know what they're talking about. I have though already, but since that chapter is over, I had accepted that and started moving on. I did like another guy but he clearly wasn't interested (major fail). I didn't think anyone would make me feel close to what R made me feel - and then this happened and wow - love is so magical, this guy I just met 3 days ago is just incredible. Indescribable and simply amazing. I really hope I see him again! 😍

[brokenwarriorangel]

2nd July 2016

I'm away from home visiting family. Except last night my own family (mom, dad, brother, sister) ended up talking just ourselves because my sister had some fiasco with her boyfriend. Then in trying to help her encouraging therapy to help with her jealousy issues - I then somehow said how I've had no medication for a year by trying to say hoe much therapy helped me learn how to deal with shit with anxiety and depression. Then they all turned on me and freaked "ohh you didn't do this, you should do this, what about this, did you think of this", blah blah blah. I've been doing just fine. Had a stressful period with work 3 months ago but got through it and transferred stores because I wasn't putting up with the bullshit in my old store. Been doing so good the last two months, and even managed to lose a bit of weight because I've been eating healthier and exercising more. So I stormed off saying "look - I just came to help, so you guys get back to your conversation". Ugh!! I am just fine. I know how to take care of myself now thank you very much. 😡

[brokenwarriorangel]

4th June 2016

Such a horrible week for me.... I have to deal with people drama in work and this dramatic bitch who is such a headache. I lose my keys running in the park - an effort in getting healthier for myself. I can't go to the gym the next day because I have to spend my morning now getting new keys and authorization from the apartment management...then it's straight to work. Then at work again me and another supervisor end up basically acting as a counsellor to this bitch at work. Later that night at work this guy I went to school with who I liked and he never liked me came into the coffee shop where I work with another girl - and was the most awkward thing ever. Then the next day I don't have time to exercise because I have plans to meet one friend before work and more friends after work. So great to see them....but I just didn't get a chance to de-stress. This morning I could have gone and exercised but since I only got home at half 2 I thought I'd be pushing myself too hard to get up early, and now I have to go to my parents because family friends are coming over. I do want to see them though. But all I really want is to go for a really long run and to the gym to blow off steam. And now I'm opening tomorrow as well.

[brokenwarriorangel]

Coincidence?

Last week, this guy I dated last year - well I thought he came into the shop where I work. (I saw on CCTV in the office when I glanced up from the computer screen at one point.) It brought back the memories and feelings of how used I felt after we stopped seeing each other and how he really hurt me. I felt vulnerable again. The next day I get a message from R, just a one line message just wanting to say hi. R never hurt me, maybe I was disappointed when I didn't see him on visits back, but he never hurt me. R always made me feel safe, and brought me comfort. He also made me feel the sexiest I'd ever felt in my life. So I don't know if it was a coincidence or not that R messaged me the day after that near "run-in" with the guy I dated last year, but I've wondered too if he sensed something. As weird as this sounds I have heard of people being somewhat connected even if there's a distance.

[brokenwarriorangel]

Overthinking the other night 😐

There's a whole sea of people, millions, billions of people. So what makes us decide on one person in particular? What makes our heart jump and get butterflies in our stomach for just one person? We have endless possibilities of love. And yet we always get consumed by one person - and take it so personally if they don't feel the same way back. It doesn't need to be that way though. People are all around us. We can't determine which ones will give us that special feeling inside, and we also won't know until we try. Until we risk taking a chance and risk breaking our heart to pieces for taking a leap of faith, we won't know who might be the best person. It might be your guess, but it could be someone you never would have thought about romantically. You don't need to jump, but it's ok to explore different roads of where these people and who these people might be. Some people have been hurt before, they've been let down - invested time. More importantly - they invested feelings. Feelings which turned out so raw that it stained the heart with an imprint of this person's soul they cared so deeply about. People are afraid of investing in feelings again in-case someone might go and crush them to pieces all over again. Or maybe - it isn't the person that will crush it all, but the circumstances. Maybe two people are meant for each other, but circumstances tore them apart - and for whatever reason maybe it just wasn't meant to be. As perfect as it might have seemed for it to have hopefully worked out, maybe it just wasn't enough. So what if two people are meant to be together, and circumstances tore them apart. What if you're afraid to fall in love again in-case circumstances make two people fall apart again. So then what do you do? Are you supposed to fight against the circumstances to make it work....or surf the wave to shore breezing through the easier option even if you're walking on broken sea shells the rest of your life? And how much are you supposed to give without giving all of you?

[brokenwarriorangel]

22nd May 2016

Stretched out. Work is hectic with summer here...new puppy at my parents I want to help train but don't always have time to go see them. Exhausted traveling between my parents and where I live. Wanting to exercise but the weather being shit lately, wanting to see friends but plans falling through due to life in general. It's just all so shit! And trying to be healthy but ending up stress-eating. I'm exhausted from trying to do too much on my off time and it is affecting my work performance making me sloppy. I want to enjoy my off time and do as much as I can but I'm also so dedicated to work I really need to just rest on my days off and do nothing. I don't know what to do, but I need to slow down. I love my parents but maybe I need to limit how much I see them and my new dog because I can't afford to let my work performance slip - I love my job and is literally what keeps me going. So frustrating I wish I had more time to socialize more to get out and meet new people and maybe meet a guy, but my job is really important to me and I really need rest on my days off. My job is what made me feel accomplished again after going through the darkest days of my life. Ironically, my darkest days weren't as dark, because R kept me company all the time talking to me online. He helped me get through all that shit whether he realizes or not.

[brokenwarriorangel]

29th April 2016

So new store, I left behind one mess, and walked into another. Left behind management messiness, and now I'm dealing with people drama. I'm more equipped to deal with people so would rather deal with this kind of mess but still annoying. I'm still a new supervisor so still learning some things. Apparently though - according to a different supervisor - "I'm not supposed to tell people what to do, that they should know what to do and if they don't then they're not capable of the job". Ok....so I'm supposed to supervise people doing nothing?! I'm gonna tell people to do something if they're just standing around - it's called WORKING!! Maybe your friends that you hired need to get up off their asses and get the ball rolling. Then I wouldn't need to tell people anything! Ugh so annoyed! Anyway - I told my manager and later on in the supervisor whatsapp group I posted a picture of an event we were doing and he said "great work as always" and so glad he did that - so ha, in your face bitch!! Lol

[brokenwarriorangel]

28th April 2016

I’m trying not to need anyone, because I don’t want to be desperate. But in reality I would love nothing more then a man by my side. But not just anyone - I get a feeling when I see some guys in person, and that’s how I know there’s sparks…or at least hope there is.. 😐

I keep thinking about yesterday having drinks with my two friends. One of them isn't eating much because she's single and really wants a guy. She literally isn't eating much at all. What she doesn't realize is that by not eating - she's not loving herself and taking care of herself properly, and it would be hard for someone to love her when she's not taking care of herself properly. One of the best things you can do for yourself is do what your body needs.

I want a guy, and I may be insecure at times - but I'm still doing me because I know that's the only way anyone is going to find me attractive. A guy won't be attracted if you're not enjoying yourself and doing what you need to.

[brokenwarriorangel]

27th April 2016

So I went to a pub tonight with two friends, same pub where one of the bar men is a regular customer in the coffee shop where I used to work. I hadn't seen him in ages, and was so good to see him! He was busy though so couldn't really talk, and then I got in a weird mood. All from thinking about how different I am now than the last time he saw me....ever since my last week in my old location of work I was getting very burned out and so tiring. I'm in a bit of a shock that I got as low as I did, and that if wasn't very long ago. I was doing so good and I don't like feeling delicate and fragile again.

[brokenwarriorangel]

Words can't describe how happy I am for R....I couldn't help but look up his Facebook just now and I noticed he made public he's in a relationship with this new girl. It's so weird how 3 years ago I wanted him so bad, then August 2013 I moved and was devastated because I always wanted to end up being his girl. I planned to move back to America but then realized I needed to be back in Ireland instead. I still couldn't let go of him though, and gradually started to realize I had to let him go since I wasn't moving back. I kept in touch though...and somewhere in the back of my head thought I might still end up back in america. Now though, I told him goodbye, wished him well....and after a few months not talking - it's finally sunken in and I can accept letting go of him. It wasn't in his best interest or mine to keep talking when we live in different places. Now seeing him with this new girl, I'm seriously so SO happy for him!! I don't know why but I get a feeling this girl could be the one for him...and I'm actually ok with it. I really do hope it all works out for him. I know one thing for sure, she better treat him well because he deserves nothing but the best. This man taught me how to love myself again just by being him. He may have been mistaken as a player but I know without him telling me he was just afraid to let anybody too close after things not working out with his ex-wife. While guys are normally the bad guys I have a feeling she's the one that fucked him over not the other way around - and he protected himself and his feelings by playing around. Because I know deep down he has the biggest heart in the world, but he just didn't want to get hurt. This new girl - I know is someone who's going to treat him well - and I am literally smiling at how happy I am for him that he's ok and found someone. The last girl he was with was ok but I don't know - just had a weird feeling about her. But this new girl, I can tell she might just be the one. Now for me....I know I'll find the right guy when the time is right. Didn't work out with the Garda (epic fail - no Garda gets my number in the future no matter what!), didn't work out with D in tesco - whatever, and well - I guess I'm just free to flirt with whoever crosses paths with me, and it'll work out with one guy eventually! Lol I don't really need anybody right now, it would be nice to have someone but I'm focused on me and my job right now.

[brokenwarriorangel]

23rd April 2016 (night)

Just found out my brother is paying for me and my sister to go on a family summer holiday...now I really have to get to the gym! 😁🙈

[brokenwarriorangel]

23rd April 2016

I don't want to be a bitch but supervising is tough work making sure everyone is working effectively!! I asked someone to clean something yesterday, and she suggested it be done later on for a valid reason - though I said I wanted it done as soon as possible because of QASA coming. She then said "ok well in a few minutes because I just did dishes". I then replied "well I don't care who does it but I want it done as soon as possible". There's two people standing around talking while one of them is doing a one person job. Sorry - you're here to work not rest. Ugh! Lol

[brokenwarriorangel]

19th April 2016

Struggling to figure out if I should even try with guys anymore. I think I’m gonna have to let go and wait for the guy to make the first move. Life is so weird.

I met you over a year ago as a customer in the coffee shop where I work. I liked you. I didn't see you all the time - here and there, every couple months. I didn't just kind of like you - I really liked you.

I got better at my job, I got promoted to supervisor, I moved location. I took the opportunity to give it a shot with you and give you my number so I wouldn't have to face the embarrassment of seeing you if you didn't want me. Except the last time I did see you - you were with a bunch of your colleagues, and I didn't think that would have been appropriate to give it to you then. So I asked my friend to give you my number next time you came in - which she did.

Now - having my number, you could have done two things. You could have called or texted if you were interested, or you could have done NOTHING if you weren't interested. You didn't have to do anything with my number if you didn't want to. Instead - you had the audacity to send your colleague in to embarrass me.

You are a man in uniform, I understand you have to take things seriously if people reach out to you. You asked my friend if I was ok when she gave you my number - and she told you I was fine that I just wanted to keep in touch. I would have thought you'd believe and understand the context of that - considering the fact I've flirted with you anytime I've seen you - and knowing YOU have also winked to me and complimented my lipstick which I took as a flirtatious gesture. So I - as anyone would in my situation I'm sure - I ASSUMED you knew what it was all about me giving you my number.

But no - you had the audacity to humiliate me, sending in your colleague, a man in uniform - to which I had absolutely NO idea how to respond to. You pretended there was a problem I had which needed to be followed up on. Your colleague seemed just as confused as I was - "hi there, I have this here" - holding up the piece of paper with my name and number on it. I had no idea how to respond and I was confused and humiliated - in front of the entire coffee shop.

So sir, you may be a man in uniform - but underneath that, you are an asshole which I am shocked to discover. You didn't have to respond if you weren't interested. Instead - you decided to humiliate me. And if you thought you had to flirt with me for free coffee you're wrong. I didn't give you free coffee because I liked you - I gave you free coffee because of the area with all the junkies around and how much you have to deal with...which is why I never charged any of your colleagues either. You may be on top in your job - wearing a uniform and getting to tell people what to do. In reality though, you're way below me and someone I don't even want to know.

So thanks but no thanks - and thank you for doing me a favour in never getting to know you any further.

[brokenwarriorangel]

10th April 2016 (night)

So I start in my new store tomorrow and sooooooo excited!! I really needed this! Im going to miss this one guy by the location where I was, but I'll have to go by and say hi and let him know I've moved stores. He seems like such a nice guy!! Nothing's happened, he chats sometimes, and then sometimes not...maybe because I won't be working by him anymore it leaves room for something to happen between us, more professional that way you know. Who knows what will happen, but I know I'll find the right guy and it'll all work out....I'm just glad the work situation is resolved now 😊

[brokenwarriorangel]

10th April 2016

So I think my e-mail to the district manager helped move along my request to transfer stores...yesterday my current store manager came in and said from Monday I'll be going to a different store! So so happy!!!! I still feel kind of raw - but it does take a lot of the stress away. I'm still going to go to my doctor this week though about getting back on medication because it did scare me how I almost went over the edge. I hate that I deal with anxiety and depression but I am not going to let it ruin my job. I'm lucky that I can transfer so soon, otherwise I was literally about to quit - simply because my mental health is more important. And that would have been a shame because I love the company I work for just not the location of where I've been. Opening two stores at once, even though one is tiny - is just unacceptable working conditions. And so now I have just one store to deal with - sooooo much better! Because I found out yesterday morning it did help me get through the day. I was able to eat a bit more - and I kept it down, didn't purge. I was able to go for a walk in the afternoon as well which was nice. So I'm going to be ok - but I do seriously need to re-consider medication again.

[brokenwarriorangel]

8th April 2016

It's my only day off and I haven't enjoyed it because I've been stressing about work. I was crying for a good two hours...I binged and purged - for the first time in like a year. I felt so raw and numb inside, I was tempted to cut myself but didn't. I just felt horrible. I e-mailed the district manager about all the issues lately...but it didn't stop me feeling like shit. I'm going to go to my doctor next week and ask if I can go back on medication, because I really feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't like this at all, I forgot how scary this felt. And to think I had been doing so well and then mis-management at work set me off course....I'm just scared I might fall back to old habits. I don't feel steady, and I'm doing everything possible to not go completely over the edge. I'm voicing my opinion....putting me first....old bulimic habits are ok as long as it stops me from cutting myself. Listening to music. I just hope I'll be ok until next week and hope I can get to the doctor at some point....I need to. I'm literally scared my impulses might control me at emotional lows and that's not a good place to be.

[brokenwarriorangel]

R's new girl looks like a nice girl, and I'm really happy for him. It's still hard letting go, but i also feel like it's ok - like i can do it now. I guess maybe I feel like this girl could be the one for him, and well maybe I kept in touch to make sure he was ok - and I feel like he's the best he's ever been. I feel like he's finally left behind the things that were bad for him, and is living a healthier life now. I kept in touch for so long because I wanted to make sure he would be ok, because he does mean a lot to me. Though - I also knew I was never gonna move back, but now that I see what an amazing girl he has, it's ok to let go now. I have a good feeling about her and I know she's going to take good care of him. And now it's ok, and time for me to move on and find someone else for me. 😊