I tried. I did.

"You're a monster!"

(M O N S T E R)

The word echoes in Sam’s head, and the hunter can’t control the rush of emotions. Guilt. Anger. Pain.

“Dean…” He starts quietly, but doesn’t know how he’s going to finish the sentence.

It was hard to guess what would be worse - to hear what Sam was going through but stay away, not actually see any of it, or to be there by his side, helping him in whatever way he could, but watching every single second of it. In the end, however, it didn’t matter, because he wasn’t the one going through the detox, his own comfort was all but irrelevant. It was what made this easier on Sam that mattered.

“You’re not gonna hurt me, Sam. I’ll tie you down when it starts getting violent, we’ll both be safe. I’m not letting you go through this alone again.” The truth was, however, that Dean didn’t know if Sam would hurt him or not - the demon blood made him very powerful, and just like it’d thrown Sam around the room, Sam could throw him, among many other even more unpleasant scenarios. He didn’t care, however. He just wanted to help Sam, no matter how angry he was at him.

He wanted to say no. To refuse his brother's offer to come with him. To stay with him. He didn't want to hurt Dean even more than he already had. But, if he was being honest, Sam had always been the selfish one. Would one more selfish action really make a difference? Yes, it would, but Sam couldn't bring himself to say no to Dean. Not when he was sure that saying no wouldn't make his brother stay away, anyway.

He sighed and nodded, desperately not wanting to go through it alone. He just wished that Dean wouldn't have to be he one to go through it with him. "Thank you." He said quietly, adding a silent sorry as he sighed again and looked away from his brother. Dean didn't deserve this. Dean didn't deserve to carry a burden that Sam was making for him. I'm sorry.

"You're a monster!"

(M O N S T E R)

The word echoes in Sam’s head, and the hunter can’t control the rush of emotions. Guilt. Anger. Pain.

“Dean…” He starts quietly, but doesn’t know how he’s going to finish the sentence.

Dean made his way to the Impala, trying not to notice how Sam just whispered his reply but failing miserably. That was his brother, he knew him too well, and his entire mind seemed to be programmed to go into red alert as soon as he even suspected that something might be wrong. At that moment, something was most certainly wrong, and he knew exactly what it was.

“Sam…” He started, his tone a little more hesitant than he would have liked. “You’re gonna be okay. I’ll stay with you this time, alright?” Just because he was mad at his brother it didn’t mean that he was going to just abandon him to his detox. The last time there’d been the Apocalypse to worry about. This time, he supposed there’d only be him and Sam in the middle of the only surviving structure of Bobby’s house.

Sam followed behind his brother, wishing his body didn’t feel like it was shutting down. Wishing he hadn’t let Dean down again. Wishing he wasn’t making more trouble and causing more problems. He was the problem. The blood was calling out to him, the constant need for it reminding him just how messed u he was. Just how much of a m o n s t e r he was.

He shook his head, knowing that Dean was trying to help - but also that is was working. “You shouldn’t put yourself through that.” Sam said quietly, I might end up hurting you.“ And I can’t do that. Not again. He wouldn’t hurt Dean again. He would never forgive himself if this detox hurt his brother too. Dean didn’t deserve that like Sam did.

lxghtbearer-archive-deactivated

Closed with brokenxsammy

lxghtbearer-archive-deactivated

Lucifer was quick to hold the door open before Sam got a chance to slam it shut. ( it felt heavier than he remembered doors to be. everything felt so different and he hated it. )

“Sam–” The former angel said. It sounded pathetic, his voice so rough from the soreness of his throat. ( lucifer hadn’t eaten or drunk anything in days. he was unaware that he needed to, now ) “Sam,” he tried again, but it didn’t sound any better. There was no time to bother, though. Everything hurt, his head, his throat, his stomach. If being human was like this, it was not worth living for.

“Sam, I– need your help.”

#[It really is]#[desperate Luci is good except Sam is kinda in denial #[and sorry this took so long]#[with a crappy gif]#[ugh]#gracelesssoldier

Sam couldn't remember how to breathe or speak or even move. He could only stare wide eyed at the fallen angel at his door.

(He's is Hell, he's in the cage, he can't be here.)

"You're not here." He spluttered, shaking his head quickly and stepping back further. Either Sam was hallucinating again, or Lucifer was actually stood there asking him for help.

Sam wasn't sure which would be worse.`

"You're a monster!"

(M O N S T E R)

The word echoes in Sam’s head, and the hunter can’t control the rush of emotions. Guilt. Anger. Pain.

“Dean…” He starts quietly, but doesn’t know how he’s going to finish the sentence.

Dean shook his head. “No, I don’t.” As much as he wished he could think of another way for Sam to detox, he didn’t have any ideas. He hated the thought of locking his brother up and tying him down once again, but the whole process seemed like it was too violent for him to consider leaving his brother loose even if he could somehow make himself trust that Sam wouldn’t go after another fix. It didn’t seem like there was any other way.

After taking a long look at Sam, trying to reassure himself that his brother could do it, that he’d be okay, Dean gestured for Sam to follow him. “Com’on, we’ve gotta get you somewhere safe before you start being flung all over the place. I think Bobby’s panic room must’ve survived the fire. Not exactly comfy, but it’s as safe as safe gets.”

#[Sorry this took so long]#classicrockcassettes

Sam felt guilty, knowing that so much trouble for his brother and was just going to make even more as he detoxed. There was no way he would be okay after this, he just wished he wouldn't be dragging Dean down with him. His brother would always stay with him and be by his side and though Sam was grateful, he couldn't help but wish that Dean would be more selfish sometimes.

He nodded, following his brother and biting down hard on his lip as Dean mentioned Bobby's panic room. Memories flooded back. His younger self, his mom, Dean. And this time it would only be worse. He swallowed, "Yeah." He whispered, throat dry.

achillestiel

2:34 am - I watch the rise and fall of your chest I realise I love you Every flaw that makes you human I love it all 3:10 am - I count the imperfections of your skin And worship every one They tell the stories of where we’ve been How far we’ve come 3:57 am - With every sleep soaked breath you take I fall further still This tiny room is our own heaven Made for only us two

These early hours speak the truth // They are filled with my devotion for you (c.f)

#{otp;two halves made whole}

wnq-writers

I was willing to drown in your darkness with you.

Adam Zucconi (via wnq-writers)

#[fuck]#{;brothers}#[lots of ships too but can't be bothered tagging rn]

Mun is ill

My body hates me and I'm tired but can't sleep and I want to do replies but I don't have the energy and I'm on my phone so if anyone wants to send me cute headcanons or songs to listen to or just anything do it ((Aka I'm whiny and ill and want attention and distractions.))

#{;ooc}

levitalize

Visit Original Link

So crawl on my belly ‘til the sun goes down I’ll never wear your broken crown I can take the road and I can fuck it all away But in this twilight our choices seal our fate

#{;music}

misty-reeyus

im tired of all these askmemes being for otps tbh

so leave a brotp/platonic ship in my ask and i’ll tell you:

who steals french fries off the other’s plate

who jokingly moves in for the kiss when someone asks if they’re a couple

who has to bust or bail the other out of jail

who gives the other advice/comfort about dating issues

who shamelessly cheats at games by reaching over to cover the other’s eyes

who immediately calls dibs on the top bunk

who starts and who wins the pillow fights

who says “your pants would look better on their floor” to the other’s potential crush

#[pleeaasseee]#{;memes}

padaleckisam

sam and dean per episode → pilot

“Dad’s on a hunting trip, and he hasn’t been home in a few days.”

#{;brothers}#{;dean}

hotarunohono-archived-deactivat

The worst thing is that they aren’t even nightmares they’re memories.

#[my baby]#{;musings}

"You're a monster!"

(M O N S T E R)

The word echoes in Sam’s head, and the hunter can’t control the rush of emotions. Guilt. Anger. Pain.

“Dean…” He starts quietly, but doesn’t know how he’s going to finish the sentence.

“Okay, good.” He gave Sam a small nod, glad to see that they were on the same page. It hurt to see his brother like that - not meeting his eyes, looking down at the floor, his voice so quiet - but Dean supposed that it was better than dragging him kicking and screaming to detox. Besides, he’d said nothing more than the truth, at least his version of it, and hopefully it would make his brother less inclined to relapse again.

He hesitated before continuing, memories of the last time Sam had gone through detox flashing in his mind. If his brother was really willingly going to detox, he almost felt bad for how he was acting - Sam was bound to be terrified. Dean himself was scared. “So… How do you want to do this? Same as last time?”

Sam looked up at Dean, eyes slightly wide. He didn’t want to detox. He didn’t want the pain and desperation and hallucinations. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in Dean’s eyes again. He didn’t want Dean not trusting him, but he knew that was little late.Most of all, he didn’t want to let Dean down.

A g a i n.

He sighed and looked back down at the floor, “Do you have any other ideas?” He asked his brother quietly, trying to hide the slight bitterness from his voice.

#[now I have to tidy ughhh]#[replies and stuff when I've finished]#{;ooc}

I really shouldn't be allowed to art journal......

"You're a monster!"

(M O N S T E R)

The word echoes in Sam’s head, and the hunter can’t control the rush of emotions. Guilt. Anger. Pain.

“Dean…” He starts quietly, but doesn’t know how he’s going to finish the sentence.

Sam wasn’t saying no to detoxing, and Dean chose to take that as a good sign, a sign that his brother wasn’t lying to him. “If you want me to trust you, you can’t back out, not unless it gets too dangerous. You’re gonna detox, no excuses.” Although his tone was assertive, he couldn’t help but wonder whether this was the best way to handle it. He’d seen what quitting cold-turkey had done to Sam - the demon blood had even somehow managed to fling him around the room - and he doubted that things would get any better further down the process. What if it was too much for Sam? He supposed it was a risk they’d have to take, however. The option wasn’t any better.

"No excuses." Sam said quietly, "Got it." He looked at the floor, forcing himself to stay calm. He knew he had reason to be afraid. Experiencing the detox once had been one time too many, and the thought of going through it again almost brought Sam to tears. He refused to cry though, this was his own stupid fault. He didn't deserve any pity - not from Dean, not from anyone. Maybe he did deserve to be called a monster, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Especially since it had come from Dean.

#[I love this]#{otp;crash and burn}

sextdean-blog

samjess: wedding

Perfection in his life. Sam never expected to feel that. But this one moment cannot be described by any word other than ‘perfection’. The girl of his dreams, standing with him. Saying ‘yes’ to him. So here they are, facing each other at the altar. Both say, “I do.” Indeed, this is perfection.

"You're a monster!"

(M O N S T E R)

The word echoes in Sam’s head, and the hunter can’t control the rush of emotions. Guilt. Anger. Pain.

“Dean…” He starts quietly, but doesn’t know how he’s going to finish the sentence.

“I don’t know what to think, Sam!” What was he supposed to make of this? After all that they’d been through that time, after Sam had been through part of the detox process - he knew how painful and perhaps even dangerous it could be - Dean simply couldn’t believe that Sam had gone back to demon blood.

His brother did have a point, however. The previous time Sam had believed that he was doing the right thing to the very end. He’d lied, yes, but in his mind, it’d all been for the greater good, to kill Lilith. Through it all, his greater goal had been to kill Lilith. Dean hesitated a little before answering, unsure of what to tell Sam. He didn’t trust him - he couldn’t, not after what had happened when he chose to trust his brother the previous time - but maybe he could at least try. He did want to help Sam, after all, and it would be much easier if he could trust him at least to some level. “You know you’re gonna have to detox, right?” He asked, trying to test the waters, see how far Sam was willing to go. “And there’s no divine intervention to give you a shortcut now, Sam. You’re gonna have to go through the whole thing.”

#[Yeah that works]#classicrockcassettes

Sam looked away and closed his eyes after a moment. “I know.” He said quietly, not able to look at his brother. Dean didn’t know, Dean couldn’t know how bad the detox really was. It had been little over a day since Sam had drunk any blood, and he could already feeling the familiar need for the substance beginning to build.

It was like both fire and ice in his veins. Fighting and burning. And that was only the beginning. He knew that it would get worse, and quickly. The desperation would get worse, as would the pain. Sam would be lying if he said he wasn’t afraid. He was terrified. He knew that he only had himself to blame, and if going through the detox was the only way to prove to Dean that he meant what he had said, Sam was more than prepared to do it.

"You're a monster!"

(M O N S T E R)

The word echoes in Sam’s head, and the hunter can’t control the rush of emotions. Guilt. Anger. Pain.

“Dean…” He starts quietly, but doesn’t know how he’s going to finish the sentence.

His brother’s tone was heartbreaking, but Dean had to continue. He couldn’t let Sam keep heading in that direction, and he knew better than to trust Sam at that moment. He’d tried that the last time, and it hadn’t ended well.

“Do you remember what it was like last time, Sam? ‘Cause I sure as hell do. And I remember you going after Ruby behind my back, I remember that angels threatening to kill you wasn’t enough to get you to stop. So tell me, Sam, why should I trust that you’re trying now?” Anger joined the other emotions in his voice, stronger the others, as he remembered everything that had happened between the two of them when Sam had gotten addicted to human blood. Out of all the lies and secrets between them, that was perhaps what had hurt him the most.