We started off with the intention of becoming good friends. Everything about this man was comforting. Being in his presence was refreshing to me. And I must admit, there's something about a fine man with no ego that just moves me. He was calm, laid back, hardworking, and smoother than cream cheese on a bagel. So when he leaned in to kiss me the first time we met I didn't resist. When he stuck his hands in my pajama pants I didn't resist. But at the time, I figured the worst thing a woman could be was "easy", so when he proposed the idea of sex, I dismissed it. He respected that, and continued kissing me the whole night. After that, I was confident that the passion was there, and alive and well. I stopped turning down his proposals of sex, and started being open to the idea. We transferred bodily fluids, we hot boxed the car with nothing but fog from us breathing so hard in the car from the sex, we wiped sweat off each other, I dug my nails in his back so hard that he bled, and we'd kiss.. And the best part about kissing him was that we were the only ones who knew. We were the only ones who knew about how we'd fuck in the car. We were the only ones who knew how I would sneak him in my room and fuck, suck, and kiss him until he had enough. And though I was young, I knew the difference between a kiss of romance and a kiss of lust. We had gotten too caught up in the lust, that we forgot about our early intentions of just wanting to get to know one another. We lost sight of the friendship, when he caught sight of my body.. and though I was uncomfortable witht this, as time went on it became the norm and I stopped being bothered by how we'd only talk at night, and on two ocassions: "when we wanted it, or when we needed it." But as time progressed, I realized that wasn't what I wanted out of life anymore. I wanted to love, and be loved, and I knew I wasn't going to find it tied to a casual fuck buddy. It was then that I turned to celibacy. I figured celibacy would be the better option for my life, and I had already typed up a generic "I can't have sex with you" text that I was going to send to all of my other sex parts to let them know that I was making changes in my life. But he would be one of the hardest, because I geniunely cared for this man. And though I knew the "friendship" came with no feelings attached, I still felt for him in the back of my mind. I was unaware of these feelings until I had to tell him about my celibacy. He asked to hang out, and I told him that we could, but we couldn't have sex. Of course sex being the primary reason why he could come over in the first place, he asked me what happened to me and why was I making this decision. I told him, and he seemed uninterested. That hurt my feelings because even though I was depriving him of the only thing that made him talk to me, I still wanted to be friends. I still expected a friendship, even if it was just platonic. Unfortunately, he had no wish to be platonic friends and he brushed me off without really brushing me off. I sometimes ponder on why it's so hard for me to cut off people who have no interest in me, but for what I can do for them. A part of me knows cutting off casual sex partners would open my eyes and see the true colors of the people I had been dealing with, but the other part of me wishes I could send him a text telling him that I changed my mind and that he could come over. But I promised myself that I would stick to my word, and well... sometimes sticking to your word is tough. I just wish me and him met on different terms.
tangentwithtanner
jacobvanloon
andulkaphoto
2087
pixelskylines
origamiaround
