I Am Myself, If Not A Bit Irrational At Times @browniebumblemumble - Tumblr Blog

How how HOW did I find a guy who doesn't give off an overtly sex driven vibe???? This is the most comforting.

I get to smooch his face again tomorrow ( °○3○°) face smooching fun times and cuddling, wondeful cuddling. Nothing more than cuddling ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

HOW HAVE I MET THE MOST UNDERSTANDING GUY EVER?! HOW HAS HE FALLEN FOR ME??!??!?!? HOW IS HE MY BOYFRIEND?!?! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND ♡♡♡♡

(♡'s are punctuation now)

Also we are both demi which is actually encredibly relaxing. I don't get that awkward awful hormonal BS off him, that most other guys give off. I just love spending time with him. While I feel some nervous blocks and junk some times, I am feeling like I can just relax with him and that there isn't a rush... granted the only rush was me leaving... but I didn't really understand I could stay longer than I did... He is honestly the sweetest man I am just I can't stop thinking about him, though less distracting now. But still I want to be in his arms again.

tall boi

me: >_> you really shouldn't have gotten that last chance. (we had no chemistry)

Taller Boi (TM)

me: 👀😍😍😍👌👌👌 (more chemistry than I ever could have dreamed)

Taller Boi: 👀😍😍😍👌👌👌 back at you 💕

Taller Boi & Me:

It's a week tomorrow since I was last with my boyfriend and I still miss him so much

I don't like that I have been apart from him this past almost week. I just want to be with him TT__TT my sweet heart.

I love <my> soft hearted adventurous geek boy

If I can't tell him my feelings by saying "as you wish" I will have missed an opportunity of that sort.

I want to kisssss ma boiiifriend

#this is also so suureaal

He likes me. Like I had a feeling... but like it is wonderful to hear that.

And like ahh, I stayed over last night, and I could not fall asleep until like 4am for no reason. At least he was quite enough. I mean it makes me wonder about the last time we met face to face and that night I could not sleep until 4am. My suspicion is that he was thinking very hard about me. In part because there was no reason why I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep when I was very relaxed. Also glad he was quiet enough... despite the faintness.

I have confessed to him and his feels are mutual.

Also when we met for coffee super cute when he said that he was nervous everytime we met up. Like big mood. I hope he feels more comfortable around me now. FRIG, I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM.

I can't get over last night XD that xual tension. and right before bed (he took the hide-a-bed and let me use his room) XD LOL, and just like okay he doesn't know that I know... for now... All I can say is not fair... but at least we have similar drives I guess... I just felt like it would be a bit weird for me in his bed to like... yeah. I have been warned about men and their drives and stuff since I was young, so not surprising to me. Which is also why I am actually really happy he didn't just ask to sleep with me. I suppose I am starting to worry that I am making a lot of the first steps but at the same time he is carrying a lot of emotional weight at this point... holy shit... and I can't help but feel like a ... think of my past failed attempts and trying to see if something with other people....

He is different. He likes me. He doesn't treat me like a social paryha, He doesn't like the idea of me (so far as I can tell), he likes me, as I am.

also fun fact he is like 6'7", cute af, and I want to cuddle with him. I also told him I would be back... tooth brush.... I hope I wasn't too much with that statement. I am utterly smitten... and I hope... Okay so maybe he will be more forward with me tomorrow?

............ It is hard to say...... I want to kiss his face still. But telling him he has been on my mind all week was pretty damn hard... but it was really nice when he said the same about me. I was going to get him some tea today, but since I spent most of the day with him I will have to wait to figure something out tomorrow. 👀 I want to spend the night with him again... but that tension last night though *snort laugh*.... I like him quirks quarks and all. AAHHHHH ♡

I want to tell him that I want to smooch his face.

I want to tell him that i want to be with him.

I want to tell him I admire him, dearly.

I want him to know just how much i like him.

I want to fall in love with him.

I want to be there for him like he has been for me.

I want to hold him close.

I want an s/o relationship with him.

I want so many things... but what if he doesn't want them?

Hurgn, first of all angry at 53× drive. I would rather wait despite wanting. I also highly doubt anything like that between us would go on between us so fast... even though we talked a small amount about it, and how we are both a bit uncomfortable talking about vanilla, but are more comfortable talking about the weird stuff (🎵we like the weird stuff🎵).

TBH I just want to know if he wants to be excusive, friends, or if he needs time to think about it. In all honesty he has leaped miles over the bar, so I am just like haha, I am not let you go if I can help it ♡

He hasn't- well, I feel like I have wanted to talk with him more than we have been yesterday and today. I know I will be seeing him tomorrow, I hope he will want to be exclusive with me. If he asks that's even better, because I don’t even know how to bring that kind of thing up without feeling like I am about to melt into a puddle in front of him. Like even just messaging him stuff like "may I cook for you?" makes me feel like I am going to melt if I hit send.

Also I am fairly certain there is a nefarious entity at my soon to be ex-work place, that is trying to pushing my buttons. I feel like I know my guy well enough that he wouldn't force anything upon anyone or intentionally harm them. Like he consistently makes me feel like I can be better than I am or think I am. Also, I really like the idea of him calling me his girlfriend and me calling him my boyfriend. I want to make out with him, stare longingly into his eyes.

OH I caught him looking at me the first night we meet up in person while we were on the train. He noticed that I noticed through the reflection. I just cannot get over how sweet and cute and wonderful he is. *longing sigh*

Remembering tuesday night is his pathfinder night... which i only remembered from when he show me a glace of his schedule.

I guess I want his attention??? I need to calm the fuck down, just because he has been on my mind like all of the time now, doesn't mean I get to take all of his time. He has his own life and I am in the middle of a big change.

Now I feel weird about finally getting that hair cut I have been saying that I need since before October. I mean him getting one just made me go "I should get it cut before I leave, and struggle to find a barber in the next place because lazy.

All I want to do is... well brush my teeth, but like also sleep... and talk about/with him.

I know I will regret staying in Calgary and forgoing my dreams. As tantalizing.... well my hope is that he will be okay with 3 hours driving distance between us... idk if he even drives at all, but buses are fantastic...

I also love how defying gravity is playing right now.

So I feel like I would be okay with a long distance relationship.

Also I wondering if I have a nervous cough like I did almost 20 years ago, when I was but a wee div Oner.

Or if I am still getting over the cold, because some of these coughs come out so weakly.... I should probably talk with a doctor.

I am just going to have to put less emotional weight onto him and just get on with my life. He will either be a part of it as a friend or s/o, or he will walk away from me all together. I don't want to burden him with my needy bullshit. I am my own person and he is his own person. (I just hope we are our own people together)

Brownie is a drama queen. Also, I still want to make out with him. idk if it will happen, tbh I am not....................

okay so he likes me too?! *falls backwards*

I mean i just honestly told him that I am liking him more and more everytime we talk and he said same so now we are both giggly messes?????????? ALSO he sent the first ♡

♡♡♡ BROWNIE DOWN ♡♡♡ BROWNIE DOWN ♡♡♡

I want him to want me.

I don't want to feel like I am hearing his thoughts about me at a long distance. To be honest, if I am hurting because he is hurting, that's just going to hurt me more.

If I wasn't leaving... AHHH we haven't even talked about relationship stuff, what am I saying. Why did I get so emotionally invested? This wouldn't be so bad if I just kept my wits about me and listened to my head. Why is this guy... he is such a mr Darcy or like Bingley, but like not because he is totally his own person and I am disgustingly smitten. Beautifully smitten.

I mean I am probably more like the Darcy here, not knowing how to handle the situation, but being so utterly attracted.

I REALLY HOPE I didn't just break him, "she all I can think about right now" was pretty much the last thing that came to my uncontrolled mind, before I started writing this. I just feel like he is all I want and more, and I would be totally fine with a long distance thing, where I visit when I can, until maybe you know... but he might not want that.... and ouch my heart hurts... and I need to respect that. He is so important to me, and I don’t know how to tell him... other than... well if my sadness hasn’t gotten that across... I don't want to scare him off with my feelings, but I don’t want to run away because of my feelings for him.

AHHH IM SO STUPID... distracting him from work... and now I have to get ready for work... I have been curled up in bed all morning, no breakfast or washroom breaks yet... yeah crying.... cry out the washroom break... gross but okay. thanks brain.

I know I can be me on my own, done that my whole life, not a new experience. and I wouldn't want to... there are so many boring guys that just don't get it. Sure maybe I am fascinating to them, but they do nothing for me but discomfort. This guy is filled with zeal and excitement, and so many interests that keep him going. And then there is a me a bucket... a storm of emotions that are slowly reawakening, and now I feel like I am eating out my own heart again... on the brightside I am wanting to dive he first into a snow bank again... what's the deal with that.

Upset and being unable to talk about it with each other, was that him or just me? Rub of the temple, pulling at the face. AHHHH i shouldn't have said it this morning. I don't know.

Who am I kidding this probably in my head.

violentwavesofemotion-deactivat

Dacia Maraini, tr. by Tim Vode, from “Dreams of Clytemnestra,” wr. c. 1994

#oddly big mood right now

Brownie drama: Better start hurting now to brace myself for later if the worst comes to pass.

The greater the emotional investment... the more I don't know how to handle myself.

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I Am Myself, If Not A Bit Irrational At Times