Space Bound

UA-71715343-1.

[nar-11-deactivated20221118]

I like deep talks and clear intentions.

[brttnynicole]

You would think my body could not produce any more tears. You would think my head would be on the same page as my heart. The skin around my eyes and nose have been rubbed raw. I want someone to come pinch me because it wasn't suppose to happen this fast. I literally only spent less than two hours with you before you left me. You took your last breath in my arms. I felt your body shiver and convulse from the pain your body was put through. My heart felt like someone twisted a knife in it when I realized you wouldnt look at me anymore. It pained me even more thinking of your brother, yall have been stuck like glue since you were born, now he is left sniffing at the ground and the blanket where you left us. You had no say on when you would leave, cancer took that right away from you. You lived a wonderful life. We gave you everything you could have ever wanted. It hurt finding a place in the yard to bury you. It hurt picking you up to bring you out there when your body was already starting to become stiff. I cried even harder knowing I would never hold you again. You would never kiss me, follow me around the whole house, go on long walks at nights, no more. It hurts to even go downstairs knowing that you wont run to the bottom of the stairs to greet me, like you havent seen me a thousand times that day. You loved so hard, you loved me even at my worst. You protected me in so many different times of my life. I cant begin to thank you for all that you did. I hope you knew how much I loved you, and how I will continue to love you, even if you are not physically here. My heart breaks for your brother the most. He knows you're gone, and he looks so lost and sad. Yall never knew a life without the other. I knew it would happen one day, but I know we are extremely blessed to have you for 13 wonderful years. I love my sweet baby dog oreo. You were an amazing best friend. Please find grandma and grandaddy up there and keep them company. I'll never get over it, things wont ever be the same, and it will hurt to find a different routine now that you're gone. Just know that we loved you with our whole self. I never knew I could hurt this hard from losing a pet, but you were my first. Thank you for all the wonderful memories I have with you 💕

[brttnynicole]

Omg just how fucking hard is it for someone to do one thing for me? I break my back for people, family, whoever, and it's like they can't even barely do anything for me. I'm over it. Like I tell my mom way in advance that I'm gonna need her to pick up some medicine so I can go ahead and take it asap. She said okay that's fine she will do it. I'm at work, so I can't get it. I call her on break to tell her it's ready. Shes not dressed, not ready at all, and I really need that medicine. Like wtf. She also didn't get dads meds last week so hes been without one of his meds for that long. Like idk what's wrong with her but I'm so fucking tired of dealing with her and her bullshit at this point.

[kristenbouchard]

babes is there anyone who isnt hanging on by the thinnest thread known to man rn or are we all just going thru it this week

[brttnynicole]

I know I'm in no way perfect, but mom doesnt realize all of the stress she puts on me when shes out of work sick. Shes been putting all of this stress on me for a while now and she gets mad that I'm telling her no or if I tell her it's not my problem. She starts on her mess of guilt tripping saying shes the worst mom ever and no one is saying that but just do what you gotta do to take care of your damn house. I swear I'm ready to get my shit together (which I put on the back burner to take care of her and dad) and get out of this constant cycle. I cant grow here anymore. And it sucks.

[brttnynicole]

I hate feeling okay for a while then bam, a deep depressive episode comes out of nowhere. No one knows how to act around me at workbc I'm not usually like this. I'm literally trying to chase away suicidal thoughts and ideation like all day. And tonight it really hit me. I just really hope I fall asleep quickly so I wont be awake with these thoughts anymore today.

[brttnynicole]

I shouldn't have to ask my mom to clean up around the house... to go through bills...I feel like im getting ignored at work with my bosses, no matter what the complaint is, and I'm tired of feeling that way at home. Im tired of living like this, in all this mess. It's giving me so much anxiety it's so hard to be at home downstairs. I literally only feel somewhat okay when I'm upstairs. I know it's something I can't control and it will get better when I move out.

[brttnynicole]

I now know why I dont stay home with nothing planned. I've literally stayed in bed and ate bc I'm bored 😩

[brttnynicole]

I feel like I never post here anymore, but I just want to brag on myself somewhere. At the start of last year, first full time job I've been able to handle, I also had 5 major store credit card debts that i could barely make minimum payments on with a part time job in the last five years. I felt like I was never gonna get rid of them. In the last year, I have saved, i have now paid off all of them except the last big one. I have 3 doctor bills left from not having insurance, but they're manageable to pay off in the next 2 paychecks. I'm honestly so damn proud of myself for keeping my eyes on the prize. I wanna be debt free before I make the move to move out of my parents house (student loans dont count in my brain atm). I've thought about getting a newer car, but I'm still debating on that. I would like a newer phone, but still debating on that. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!

Now I wanna focus on my mental health and physical health again. That's the next step. Ya girl gotta get back in shape 😩😩😩

[brttnynicole]

I feel like this is my only safe place to rant anymore.... Twitter used to be it but now too many people I know on there follow me 😩😩😩 on that note, I wish I brought my ativan with me to work bc I'm literally on the edge of a breakdown

[brttnynicole]

One of my best friends mom, who I saw as a second mama, just passed from cancer. I'm currently at the visitation and trying so hard to hold it together for her...like my heart feels like its breaking in a million little pieces. Walking down the family line felt like I was hugging my own. I'm so glad I was able to come today and be with her 😭😭😭

[brttnynicole]

I swear I always feel sick when it's the worst possible time 😩

[brttnynicole]

I just have to get this off my chest bc if I dont put it up here then I'll say it somewhere else, but I cannot thank my aunt enough for putting her kids in a hotel for the time they'll be here for the funeral. I was so beyond anxious and worried about where everyone would stay and sleep and it was gonna be such a huge mess. I feel my chest loosen up just a little with everything going on 😩😩

[brttnynicole]

I love how I go home early from work bc I'm still dealing with an allergic reaction and feel like shit, mom questions me. Then I take meds to help me and it knocks me out. I wake up, go downstairs, tell her I'm feeling alot better, she then somehow throws it in my face that I've been asleep all day (only 5 hours) and that shes been doing so much work downstairs....like I didnt tell you to keep all of those papers....I've been telling you to look through it a little at a time. I looked at her like she was crazy. I cant stand this stuff man....it really does make me ready to move out.

[brttnynicole]

I honestly cannot believe I just told my mom what ive been feeling about the house... like I finally broke down and told her the way the house is right now is making me want to leave. Like I swore I would never tell her that bc I know how much that would hurt her, but it was the only thing that would come out. Im just tired of living in a house that doesn't feel like a home.

[borderlinepdfeels]

[brttnynicole]

You just cant help people who either don't wanna be helped or you have more passion to help them more than they want to help themselves. I'm so tired of this cycle.