The recommended first time reading order is the order they were written, which is listed at chezchuckles’ FFnet author page or on the writingwell Bookshelf.
That order preserves the reveals and keeps thematic ideas together.
For binge re-reads, a chronological order might be fun.
WARNING: The list below has spoilers.
Light 1: No Light, No Light
(The Butcher)
Season 4 AU
Light 2: The Only Light
(Start of relationship -> Rick figures out Kate is pregnant)
Early 2012
Sleep 2: Sleep Alone
(Kate finds out she is pregnant)
Early 2012
Dash: Genesis
(Alexis finds out)
Early 2012
Dash of Dash 6 - Tumblr three words prompt 6 - #47: Baseball, birthday, baby
(Kate tells Jim about pregnancy)
Summer 2012
Dash of Dash 8 - Tumblr three words prompt 8 - #71: She said yes
(Kate reads book dedication)
September 17, 2012
Dash of Dash 2 - Tumblr three words prompt 2 - #18: Raven, Bat, Bulldozer
(Halloween decorations)
October 2012
Dashiell Alexander Castle born: October 31, 2012
Home 4: You Can Always Go Home
(Proposals)
November-December 2012
Home 1: Home, Sweet Home. Chapter 1
(Pre-Xmas)
November 2012
Light 3: Everlasting Light
(Xmas)
December 2012
Dash of Dash 13 - Tumblr three words prompt 25 - #255: Easy to Love
(Finally getting Dash to sleep)
August 2013
Home 2: Take Me Home
(Kate and Rick’s Wedding)
March 2014
Epic 1/Baseball 1: Dash Away
(Kate stays home, Dash’s first game)
Spring 2014
The Long Weekend
(Hamptons flood and remodel)
Memorial Day weekend 2014
Life 1: Proof of Life
(Kate disappears)
2014 (Some 2012)
Life 3: Life in Technicolor
(Find out Kate is pregnant)
Summer 2014
Dash: Exodus
Coming Soon?
Sleep 3: No Sleep Tonight
(Marriage Counseling)
2014
Dash of Dash 1 - Tumblr three words prompt 1 - #5: No Girls Allowed
(Kate counts for two girls)
Fall 2014
Life 4: In My Life
(Xmas)
December 2014
Ellery Kate Castle born: December 25, 2014
Home 1: Home, Sweet, Home. Chapter 2
Post-Xmas December 2014, Xmas 2015, Xmas 2017 or 2018
Dash of Dash 10 - Tumblr three words prompt 10 - #82: Hollander’s Dash AU
(Kate and Rick play Truth-or-Dare)
Winter 2015
Unique in All the World
(After 7x16 ‘The Wrong Stuff’ - Rick can take care of Dash too)
March 2015
Light 4: Half Light
(Baby Ellery at the precinct)
July 2015
Baseball 2: Take Me Out to the Ball Game
(Ellery’s first game)
Summer 2015
Home 3: Homeward
(Dash’s 3rd B-day)
October 2015
Sleep 1: Sleep, Little Pigeon
(Dash checks on Baby Ellery)
August 2016
Dash of Dash 11 - Tumblr three words prompt 11 - #85: Overprotective Momma Bear
(Kate picks up Dash at preschool)
October 2016
Ellery 2: The Giving Store
(Kate, Allie, and Ellery have a girls day out)
Spring 2017
Epic 2: Dash It All
(South Padre, Dash’s 5th B-day, Allie and Rafe get engaged)
October 2017
Dash of Dash 15 - Tumblr three words prompt 14 - #125: Close your eyes
(Ellery sees the lights just for her)
December 2017
Life 2: Wonderful Life
(Dash has Chicken Pox)
Between Dash It All and Mad Dash
Epic 3: Mad Dash
(Jim and Kelly’s wedding, Roy’s reveal)
Early 2018
Epic 4: Dash of Summer
(Allie and Rafe’s wedding, Rick’s Dad appears, fall of Bracken)
Summer 2018
Ellery 1/Baseball 4: Birds of a Feather
with MyNameIsJeffNImLost
(Shifting allegiances, The story of Mr. Pigeon and Ms. Dove)
Summer 2018
Sleep 4: You Can Sleep Now
(Kate’s 39th B-day)
November 17, 2018
Tumblr three words prompt 19 - #185: Ella Meredith Kate
(Daughter power play)
2019
Allie and Rafe’s first daughter Sophie is born
Late 2019 or 2020.
Castle Christmas Special. Chapter 23
Christmas 2019
Tumblr three words prompt 22 - #233: Mother of three
(Mother of two and grandmother of one)
2020
Dash of Dash 5 - Tumblr three words prompt 5 - #46: Watching apply makeup
(Ellery watches Kate)
Spring 2020
Paris 1: In Case of Emergencies
(Start of Castle’s European Tour)
Spring-Summer 2020
Dash of Dash 9 - Tumblr three words prompt 9 - #75: Dash Eiffel Tower
(Dash can’t do it.)
July 2020
Tumblr three words prompt 18 - #175: Dash Leaves Home (for the first time)
(Dash and Ellery pack for camp)
Summer 2022
Dash of Dash 16 - Tumblr three words prompt 15 - #153: Won’t Let Go
(Ellery becomes movie critic for an age inappropriate movie.)
2023
Allie and Rafe’s second daughter Dani is born
2023
Jessie/Miller fubar - 2025 (Referred to in Tumblr three words prompt #93)
Tumblr three words prompt 20 - #205: Teaching to shave
(Kate teaches Ellery to shave.)
2026
Tumblr three words prompt 27 - #264: Please don’t die
(Laura channels John Wilkes Booth)
2027
Tumblr three words prompt 17 - #183: Ellery versus Bully
(Ellery distracts to cover Dash’s OCD tendencies)
2027-2028 school year
Dash of Dash 4 - Tumblr three words prompt 4 - #32: Ha, I Win
(Rick and Ellery play chess)
Around 2029
Around 2030-2031 - Ellery and Dash sneak out in the Ferrari
Kate sends them to the test track, Dash crashes.
Referenced in Tumblr three words prompt 26 - #257: Ferrari driving Ellery
Tumblr three words prompt 24 - #238: Ellery, Allie, Crying
(Ellery celebrates first movie job with Aunt Mere)
2033 (10 months in LA)
Allie and Rafe’s third daughter Mia is born
2033 or 2034
Dash of Dash 12 - Dash/Shannon dinner date at the Castles
Tumblr three words prompt 12 - #91: Shannon/Dash/Castle
(Date Pt. 1, Dash gets a cheap dinner for Shannon - post Dash’s MCATs)
Tumblr three words prompt 13 - #93: Dash dinner continued
(Date Pt. 2, Castle doesn’t realize he decides to adopt Shannon)
Tumblr three words prompt 21 - #221: You are enough
(Date Pt. 3, Shannon faces a test when Dash realizes the dinner is a date.)
Around 2034
Dash of Dash 7 - Tumblr three words prompt 7 - #59: Looking for bookshop
(Ellery and Nick’s first date)
Around 2036
Future 1: Everything that Glitters
(Ellery comes home, Ellery and Nick get engaged)
March 2037
Future 2/Baseball 3: Everything that Glitters 2
(Baseball, Dash and Shannon get engaged, Dash’s Match Day)
March 2037
Future 3: All Who Wander
(Coffee-less Kate and No-longer Wandering Ellery talk about the Butcher)
April 2037
Dash of Dash 3 - Tumblr three words prompt 3 - #26: Ellery, Kate, motorcycle
(Ellery finds the gift that was waiting for her)
April 2037
Dash of Dash 17 - Tumblr three words prompt 16 - #158: Inside Out Shirt
(Dash is locked out and Ellery giggles, while Caskett gets busy)
May-ish 2037
Dash of Dash 14 - Tumblr three words prompt 23 - #237 Ferrari driving Ellery
(Ellery gets a new job)
Summer 2037
Tumblr three words prompt 28 - #278 Anyway u can do a Dash with Shannon & Beckett bonding?
(Kate butts into wedding planning.)
Summer 2037
hey bv, you are so missed. if there's any chance you'd ever write again, please write something based on your favorite song.
A/N: set post season 4, after the events of Headhunters (4x21). Favorite song (of the moment): 'The Alcott' by The National (feat. Taylor Swift).
-
“I get myself twisted in threads to meet you at the alcott
I'd go to the corner in the back where you'd always be
And there you are, sitting as usual with your golden notebook
Writing something about someone
Who used to be me”
-
Her heart leaps to her throat at the sight of him, gunshot wound throbbing in time with her pulse. She’s circled back to their swings more times than she can count in the last year, but never did she expect to find them occupied. Not by him.
“Castle?”
His gaze jerks up to meet hers, his eyes clouded like the skies overhead. The notebook open on his knee snaps shut and his spine straightens.
“Beckett.” Her name scrapes past his lips, over heart abraded heart, and then he’s shooting to his feet. “Kate,” he amends, a tad warmer but still guarded.
She swallows and takes a step towards him. “What’re you doing here?” she asks, her lips threatening to quirk at the mere sight of him, the simple fact that she’s interacting with him after over a year of… nothing.
She lied, he left, and that was it. He stopped coming to the precinct, ignored the single call she made to him weeks after, and she took it as her sign to stop. To, for once, just leave it alone.
He stopped wanting her. Somewhere between the blondes, the replacement cops, and the blatant chill of his silence, she got the hint. But her heart never really did.
He arches his brow and she recovers quickly.
“I mean, I thought you had a new book coming out today,” she explains, noting the flannel draped across his chest, the faded jeans clinging to his waist. Not at all dressed for a day of photos and glamor.
“Ah, yeah,” he sighs, rubbing at the back of his neck, a sheepish expression claiming his face. “I may have played hooky. Phone’s on silent, so I’m not sure how much trouble I’m in.”
Kate gnaws on her bottom lip. “Mind if I sit?”
She watches his throat ripple, his eyes flicker to the empty swing beside him.
“Of course not,” he replies, gingerly returning to his own swing, notebook pressed close to his sternum.
He waits until she’s seated, swaying gently beside him. “How’d you know about the new book?”
She scoffs, digs the heels of her sneakers into the dying grass at their feet. Winter still has the park colored lifeless, naked branches and dead leaves scattered all around them.
“Just because we aren’t… I didn’t just start hating your books, Castle,” she chuckles ruefully.
The corner of his mouth twitches, just barely. “Well, I’d recommend skipping this one anyway. Not worth your time.”
“What? New muse giving you trouble?” she teases, but he blows out a breath.
“No new muses, Beckett,” he mutters, some of that familiar ice lining his words. “You should know that.”
“I should?” she echoes, tilting her head in askance. “Because we’ve really been keeping up with one another well enough for that?”
His gaze turns stony at that, any hints of blue gone and fading to grey. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, Kate.”
“Me?” she snaps, incredulous, feeling that familiar pulse of a fire building in her chest. “You’re the one who disappeared. You’re the one who went radio silent on me before you even left.”
“Just taking a page out of your book,” he murmurs, the words cruel but his voice lacking the venom necessary to land the blow.
Castle stands from the swings, his attention on the street ahead, and her legs follow, her hand reaching for him without thinking.
“I deserve that,” she states, fingers snagging the soft edge of his shirt. He stills, squaring his jaw against her. “But I also feel like I deserve an explanation.”
“For what?" he demands, but still fails to look back at her. "For trying to move on, for preserving my dignity?”
Her fingers tighten, refusing to let go. “This is what I’m talking about. Ever since the bombing case, you were so angry with me and then you left, you - you didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I couldn’t,” he growls, wiping a hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I was in love with you, Kate. Is that what you want to hear? That I loved you so damn much, that I was stupid enough to think you might love me back, until I heard you knew all along - what I said when you were shot.” Her heart plummets to her stomach, sinking into the acid of her gut, shriveling to nothing. Castle finally meets her eyes, the anger she so fiercely remembers gone. Nothing but resignation left. “You lied to me. I don’t know if it was to spare my feelings, or because you were embarrassed - it doesn’t matter. Especially now.”
He gently unhooks the slackened fingers from his side.
“So there’s your explanation,” he mumbles. “And here’s your goodbye, Kate.”
“No,” she rasps, clearing her throat. “Castle, no.”
But he’s already walking away from her.
“Do you want to know the first time I felt it?” she stutters out, clutching the v-neck of her shirt, clutching the thin material shielding her scar.
Castle’s back is to her, but he stops, waits, and sighs. Giving in to her.
“Felt what, Beckett?”
“That I might - that I was at risk of falling in love with you?”
His shoulders shift at that, not quite relaxed but lowering from their hunched defense.
“The day Dick Coonan tried to shoot you,” she recalls aloud, willing her voice to hold steady. “There was so much at stake that day, but the idea of you getting hurt, especially over me? It scared me in a way I’d never felt before. And then, when you came to the precinct that night, when we sat at my desk and had dinner together, I just - I felt it,” she confesses, her fingers instinctively twining around the chain at her neck. “I just wanted you with me.”
Castle hesitates, but allows the sway of his body towards her, the subtle shift of his step to see her.
“Since then?” he murmurs, the question barely loud enough for her to hear.
“Since then,” she confirms, the tight coil of nerves in her chest loosening ever so slightly. “It was the beginning of me recognizing it for what it could be, but every morning you showed up, with a coffee for me, with a smile, I just - god, it scared the shit out of me how I started to feel about you even then, Castle.”
A strangled, breathless sound, something akin to a laugh, skitters past his lips.
“I know the feeling,” he breathes, chancing a tentative step towards her. “Kate, I-”
“Richard Castle, I am going to strangle you!” The hiss of a woman’s voice breaks the careful words between them. Kate glances to her left to see his agent - Paula, she thinks - storming towards him in a bright fuchsia dress and platform purple heels that sink into the ground. “Do you know how many people have been waiting on you? Do you know how long? Hours, Rick. Hours!”
“Oh no,” Castle expels under his breath, eyes darting between Kate and his agent. “Kate-”
“Remember that brunch place on Greenwich you took me to once? That day we had a murder in the village?”
He blinks, blue eyes sparkling with memory. “Elephants and Castle?”
“Yes. Meet me tomorrow?” she asks, letting the hope bleed onto her lips, into her eyes. “We can get coffee, maybe talk?”
“Yes, yes,” he agrees, stumbling over the single word.
“Richard. Castle. I swear to god-”
“Paula, I am coming,” he growls, an impatience to him she almost forgot about, shooting the other woman a fierce look.
“One. Minute,” she growls back, pivoting sharply on her heel and storming towards the sidewalk.
“You okay with noon?” he asks hurriedly.
“Yeah, noon’s perfect,” she murmurs, feeling her lips curling beneath the pin of her teeth.
His face mirrors hers, the two of them smiling like little kids with crushes on the playground. And for a lovely moment, it's as if the past, the pain, never existed.
“Hey,” she breathes, reaching for his hand, squeezing his fingers. “Thank you. For giving me a chance.”
Those blue eyes trip down to their hands, staring in something close to wonder as his large palm engulfs her slim fingers.
He squeezes back, strokes his thumb along the heel of her palm as they part.
“Until tomorrow, Beckett.”
-
I sit there silently waiting for you to look up
I see you smile when you see it's me
I had to do something to break into your golden thinking
How many times will I do this and you'll still believe?
-
His heart is rabbiting in his chest, his knee bouncing beneath the cover of the table, shaking his chair. A few of the other patrons shoot him a look of annoyance, but he can’t help it. He hasn’t stopped thinking about her, writing about her in that stupid notebook dedicated to her, since their run in at the swings yesterday.
He breezed through the remainder of his book release event, signing autographs and taking photos on autopilot. His thoughts spattered with images of her - both new and old. She implied she loved him, loved him back, and now the last five years are tinted in a new shade of optimism.
What if it isn't too late for them after all?
Castle glances hopefully to the entry when he hears the whoosh of the door opening. The weather is uncertain today - grey clouds imposing on the sky yet again, bloated and threatening rain to accompany the winds tunneling through the city. Kate shoves the glass door open with her shoulder, her hair windblown and long, whipping against her too sharp cheeks, the collarbones protruding through her sweater.
He waits, watching her gaze eagerly take in the room, searching for him, setting alight once she finds him. It makes his breath catch.
She strides through the quaint restaurant, sliding in across from him in the wooden booth
“Hey, Castle,” she smiles, tentative, nervous. Not something he’s used to seeing on her, especially not for him. “How are you? And how have you been? I feel terrible for not managing to ask you yesterday.”
He almost teases her for the attempt at small talk, but her expression is so open to him, so beseeching.
“I think yesterday took us both off guard. Who needs manners in the face of a reunion?”
She chuckles. “Well, the question stands nonetheless.”
He hesitates, but proceeds to tell her bits and pieces of the last year - Alexis’s graduation, her move to California to attend Stanford, his mother’s persistent presence in his life and the new love interest that has her out of the loft more often than not. He leaves out much talk of his career, ashamed of the swan dive into despair his writing skills have taken. He goes to ask about her, about the Twelfth, but as if sensing it, she steers him away from conversation about her own life.
“How’d the rest of the book event go?”
He winces. “Well, let’s just say I’m on my third strike with Black Pawn.”
“Third, huh?” She arches a single brow at him. “Been getting into trouble without me, Rick?”
The flare of teasing in her eyes, in the curve of her mouth, is so dazzling in its familiarity. It’s like a punch to the gut, realizing how many pieces of her he’s been missing.
“Well, not legally. Just some missed deadlines and events here and there,” he muses, nodding to the waiter who catches his attention over Beckett’s shoulder. “I ordered us lattes.”
The steaming mugs are placed in front of them, menus left on the edge of the table. She glances down, pleased.
“And if you’re hungry-”
“I think I’m okay,” she murmurs, chewing on her bottom lip in that maddening habit she apparently hasn’t dropped. “I just have a lot I need to say.”
He bridges his fingers beneath his chin to stop them from shaking. “Gonna tell me about another time in our partnership that I won you over?”
He’s teasing, but she purses her lips, as if bracing herself. Oh, she is-
“When my apartment blew up. A little before, actually,” she confesses on a chuckle that wobbles its way out of her throat. “But that day… while I appreciated the heroics, it was more so the way you were there for me afterwards.”
He watches intently as she lowers her eyes to the billowing steam of her coffee, lashes kissing her cheeks and hiding her eyes.
“You had this way of knowing what I needed, how much to push, when to take a step back.” Her mouth softens into a mournful curve. “It bothered me back then. I hated how in sync we were.”
“Hated how much you liked me.”
“Yes,” she sighs, but there’s a smirk tugging at her lips. “I did.”
The rawness of her honesty takes him off guard. As far as he knows, Beckett has only actually lied to him about one major event, but regardless, she has always been guarded. Never one to share or let people in. He’s certain he was an exception in learning as much as he did about her. But to have her sit before him, answering his subtle teases and nudges of inquiries with directness… it's nearly enough to startle him.
But it isn’t merely openness on her face, vulnerability in her eyes, it’s determination, too.
“Is that why… Demming, Josh?”
Her palms cradle her mug then, her head nodding softly. “Yeah. It was… easier. How’d you put it - one foot out the door relationships?”
“I’m guilty of them too,” he says, needing to ease the frown claiming her lips, the obvious discomfort his question evoked. “I mean, my entire relationship with Gina… just that summer alone, all I could think about was you. It was all only ever because I couldn’t have you.”
“Oh, Castle,” she sighs, his name such a sorrowful sound on her lips. “What’s done is done, but we both wasted so much time.”
He echoes her exhale and reaches across the table, presses his knuckles against hers. Her skin is hot, radiating warmth stolen from the mug, and he lets it seep into his own skin.
“That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? To stop that?”
“I thought I was here to win you over,” she murmurs, tongue in cheek, and he can’t help the smile it elicits. The genuine smile that cracks his cheeks for the first time in nearly twelve months.
“You definitely set that in motion yesterday,” he chuckles, fitting his knuckles in closer against hers, letting the bones slot into place against hers. “The woman I loved for the last five years telling me there’s a chance? I couldn’t walk away from that.”
“It’s not a chance, Castle,” she says adamantly, her demeanor shifting, eyes glittering with resolve. “It’s a sure thing. You found out I heard you at Montgomery’s funeral.” And wow, she’s really just diving right into it, huh? “That’s what I’m assuming you mean when you accuse me of lying?”
His lips purse. “Yeah.”
Her hand abandons the coffee cup, disrupting his touch only to reclaim it, clutching his fingers with a gentle ferocity that she’s always owned.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, thumb stroking back and forth over his knuckles now. “I never wanted to hurt you, Rick. I hope you can believe that much.”
“I - my first thought wasn’t that you were doing it out of malice,” he manages, his mouth dry. “I just assumed you didn’t feel the same way.”
“Maybe ask next time?” she huffs before shooting him an apologetic cast of her gaze. “I didn’t feel like I was ready to love you the way I wanted to.”
He catches her thumb with his own, twining them. “In what way, Kate?”
He needs her to say it, to be as clear as possible. The last thing they can afford is another misunderstanding.
Beckett shifts, her shoulders threatening to jump to her ears. Self-conscious, uncertain, scared. They were both so afraid of each other.
“In a way that would last,” she breathes out, meeting his eyes with need in hers - the need for him to understand, to reassure, to reciprocate. “I didn’t want one foot out the door with you, Castle. I wanted to be all in. And I couldn’t do that with a hole in my chest and the PTSD flare ups, with Montgomery dead and my mom’s case feeling closer than ever, yet so far away at the same time.”
“You needed time,” he surmises softly, watching her nod grateful and slow.
“I know we talked on the swings, but maybe we - I should have been more clear. But it all felt so raw, I didn’t want to touch it,” she confesses, squeezing his hand. “If I could go back… if I knew a year ago that this is why you were leaving me? God, Castle,” she rasps, lifting her eyes to the ceiling. “This past year without you has sucked.”
A laugh startles out of him, drawing a tiny smile from her own mouth to the surface.
“Consider the sentiment shared,” he chuckles, tugging at her hand, but she winces - nearly gasps - at the movement. “Beckett?”
“Just sore,” she assures him, the smile on her lips waning. “Busy week at work.”
But her eyes have left him, falling back to the safety net of coffee growing cold. There’s something she’s not telling him, something she’s avoiding saying.
“Beckett,” he murmurs, narrowing his gaze on her. “Kate, tell me.”
“Just… the guy who shot me.” She gently disentangles her hand from his. “We caught a lead last week and me and Espo went after him.”
He sucks in a harsh breath.
“I ended up chasing him onto a rooftop. He - he threw me over the edge of the building, got away. Ryan found us, pulled me up before I could fall,” she explains, fingers knotting in front of her. He sees it now, the mottled bruising on her wrist, the stray cut along her throat, the purpling green hiding behind the layers of hair whispering along her forehead.
“You… you’re never going to stop,” he realizes aloud, scrubbing a hand at his jaw, the stubble growing there. “That’s why they keep coming after you, Kate. Montgomery tried to ensure your survival with that package and you just-”
“Excuse me?”
He blinks, realizing his error too late. They never had the chance to talk about this.
“Castle,” she says calmly, but he can hear the quaking of her voice. “What package?”
“Kate-”
“No,” she snaps, quiet but firm, a hint of interrogation in her voice. “You want open and honest, Castle? Well, so do I. Now what’re you talking about?”
It’s the worst possible thing he could do, letting this information slip, but it’s already too late. She won’t let it go.
So he tells her. Tells her everything about Montgomery’s friend, Smith, and how the other man struck a deal with the people behind her mother’s murder, her own shooting. How there was only one condition to her maintained safety, her survival, how she was supposed to back off.
For a long moment, there is silence, stillness, the sounds of the restaurant muted around them.
She won’t look at him.
“Are you a part of this?” she questions, her voice ragged and scraping along his sternum.
“I just - I wanted to keep you safe.”
He feels the wall resurrect.
“You… cut a deal for my life, like I’m some kind of child,” she whispers, her jaw squaring sharp enough to slice. “Have the audacity to lecture me, to call me a liar, to walk out of my life for it, and all along…” The irises of her gaze have gone dark. “You were a liar too.”
-
I'll ruin it all over
(Read my sentence out loud)
And over like I always do
('Cause I love this curse on our house)
-
“Kate!”
She can barely breathe past the lump in her throat.
“Kate, stop!”
She keeps walking - practically jogging - down the sidewalk. She isn’t sure where she’s going, only that she needs to be away, away from him, from this damning new knowledge, from the hypocrisy of it all. It hurts too much.
She clocks the street. If she just crosses over to 7th Avenue, she can lose him at the next subway platform.
But he isn’t keeping a bad pace.
“This isn’t fair,” he calls after her, a lot closer than she hoped. It doesn’t matter now, though, because that has her spinning on her heel, slamming her fists into his chest when he smacks into her.
“Fair?” she snarls, but he’s catching her wrists before she can shove him away. “That entire year, I needed a lead, and you kept it from me.”
“Kate, you need to listen to me,” he argues, walking backwards and jerking her along with him, off the public sidewalk and into a park. Perfect, she can abandon her heart in yet another playground.
“Listen to you?” she growls, ripping her hands from his grasp. “How am I even supposed to trust anything you’re saying to me right now?”
“How-” His chest heaves with a deep breath. “Because of everything we’ve been through together! You think you were the only one who was terrified of loving someone so much? You are the most… remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I have ever met and I have loved you damn near since the moment I saw you.”
His words batter her chest like a hammer to her ribs, splintering down her sternum, eviscerating the remnants of her heart.
“When I was drowning in the death of Derrick Storm, with no inspiration, you came walking into my life like something I never knew I needed. Everything that followed, the four years of nearly dying on a regular basis, and - save for my child - there was nothing I wanted more than you.”
Kate scrapes a hand through her hair, paces towards a small garden in the park's center, a tiny pond of koi fish. Her bruises are throbbing with awareness, her fractured wrist aching, her brittle bones yearning for rest. The night before last, before she ended up finding her way back to a place she thought of as theirs and finding him by some chance that felt like a miracle, she should have died. It was enough to inspire her to reevaluate her life, to consider what she might want more than unattainable justice for her mother, for herself. To finally face just how much she wanted him.
“I can’t pinpoint the moment I knew I was falling for you, Kate. But I knew when I was done for.”
“Castle, stop,” she rasps, swiping fingers to the paper thin skin beneath her eye, catching any moisture before it can fall.
“The night Ryan and I were kidnapped by Tyson, when you burst through the door, sat with me out by the pool, I just remember thinking… this is all I need.” Kate glares up at the sky, willing away the stupid sting in her eyes, focusing on the darkening of the clouds instead. “And a few weeks later, when I kissed you… god, there was no going back. All I could think about was how I was going to do it again.”
“Stop,” she hisses, turning on her heel. But he’s watching her with such a striking ache in his eyes, mercurial and shimmering.
“The freezer, Montgomery’s funeral, the bank - all of it was some sick reminder from the universe of how much time I was wasting not being with you.” Castle advances on her slowly. She stands her ground, arms banded tightly at her chest. “Every time we nearly died, all I could think about was you.”
He stands a breath away from her now, towering over her by a few inches without her heels.
“Tell me you didn’t feel the same.”
Her teeth clench as she forces a swallow down her dry throat.
“I’m not going to lie again,” she admits on a rasp, holding the defiance in his eyes with her own. “But you left, Castle. And maybe it was for the best after all.”
His palms cup her shoulders before she can brush past him, anticipating her move before she can make it.
“Did you fall out of love with me this past year? Because I’m damn sure still in love with you, Kate.”
-
I tell you the truth
(Could it be easy this once?)
It's the last thing you wanted
(Everything that's mine is a landmine)
It's the first thing I do
(Did my love aid and abet you?)
I tell you that I think I'm falling
Back in love with you
-
“That - that doesn’t matter,” she whispers, the fight dripping out of her. Her fingers curl around his arm, ready to dismantle his hold on her at last, but his hands are already leaving her shoulders. Moving to cup her face. “Rick-”
He’s kissing her before she can think to back away, palms cradling her cheeks and mouth slanting over hers. Her body practically sinks into him, into his kiss, into the unique taste of home and reprieve only he has ever given her. The moan escapes unbidden and low, just like it did the first time, and her fingers fist in the sleeves of his shirt, pulling him closer.
Her back connects with the nearest tree, spine arching, chest connecting with his. Castle hums and splays his palms at her shoulder blades, soothes her bottom lip between his. She rises on her toes, arms lacing around his neck as she kisses him back, deep and slow. Everything she’s wanted since he walked away from her.
“It matters,” he breathes against her lips, bumping his nose against hers. “I love you, Kate. Tell me that still means something.”
For a horrifying moment, she fears she’s started to cry, but the water on her cheek has Castle looking to the sky.
“It’s starting to rain,” he sighs, his fingers scaling her sides, curling at her hip bones.
“Then take me home,” she husks, unable to help the quirk of her lips when his gaze flashes back to her like lightning. She lifts her hand to his cheek, trails tentative fingers down his skin, tracing the angle of his jaw. She wants to learn every inch of him. “Because I want you to know just how much it means to me."
His hips bump against hers as he allows his hands to converge at the base of her vertebrae, arms coiling tightly around her and sealing her in close.
She grins as she tilts her chin to kiss him once more, savoring the familiar heat of his mouth on hers, the perfect fit of his lips. The stray droplets are turning into a drizzle, but she doesn’t hurry the work of her mouth against his.
“So take me home,” she picks up, glancing up to meet the gorgeous blue of those eyes she's missed. “Fall back in love with me completely.”
✦ CASKETT APPRECIATION WEEK 2023 ✦
⤷ Day Four: Favorite Location - The loft
She did a reading for me at a society party about eight years ago. She told me that a beautiful woman would one day move into my loft and stay with me forever.
‘New York was bracing for a hurricane and Kate Beckett was terribly ill prepared. But she was even less prepared to see Richard Castle again after a summer of silence.’
Set late in the summer, post season 2.
Rated T
AMAZING cover art by the endlessly talented alwayswiththecoffee.
Her knuckles are white around the steering wheel, the binoculars tossed aside in her lap. The tension in the Crown Vic is palpable, the concern for their friends and the discomfort of sitting in the small space together causing a bead of sweat to form on the back of her neck.
They're parked outside the building they traced Maddox to, where Ryan and Esposito are being held, possibly tortured. A guard stands posted outside the entrance, posture relaxed but eyes alert and ready.
"That guy'll spot a S.W.A.T team from a block away. He'll warn Maddox." Beckett sighs, chewing on her bottom lip. "They'll both be dead in seconds."
Castle is quiet beside her and she doesn't have the courage to look at him in that moment, to see his steely blue gaze not just angry with her, but further disappointed too.
"I'm open to dumb ideas here."
A shaky breath exhales from the passenger side. "Good, because I've got one. But you'll have to trust me."
Beckett turns towards him, holds his gaze. For a second, it feels normal again - not like he's replaced her with a shoddy excuse for a detective or a blonde stewardess. In the moment, they feel like partners again.
"I do."
His lips part, as if he's about to say more, but instead, his fingers close around the door handle and he's pushing it open.
"Castle," she growls, reaching for her own door.
"Just play drunk and follow my lead," he hisses, slamming the car door and circling around to her side of the vehicle in a lazy stroll.
The guard notices the second they exit the car, body shifting in their direction.
"Loosen up, lean on me," he murmurs, catching her hand and spinning her into his arms.
He makes a show of laughing loudly and she does as he instructed, staggering with a giggle into his side, snagging her fingers in his coat to keep her balance. Castle's hand is roaming her side, slipping from her shoulder to her waist, dragging her in close, and she tries to ignore the sharp flutter in her stomach.
The guard leaves his post reluctantly, approaching them with a critical eye.
"He's not buying it, Castle," she hums into his shoulder, heart beginning to pound as the guard comes closer. She keeps her smile in place while she shifts in his grasp, continuing the airy laughter even as her fingers graze her gun.
But then Castle is snatching her hand with his own, dislodging it from the piece. His fingers are smoothly moving to the small of her back, pulling her in close, while the other catches her by the cheek.
The laughter comes to an abrupt halt.
The blue of his eyes glows in the darkness of the parking lot, holding her attention as they flicker to her mouth. Her fingers are shaking as they grasp for the sides of his coat, her head nodding at its own accord when he drifts in, touches his lips to hers for the first time.
The electricity stuns her, crackling across her lips. He's tentative, his mouth soft but unmoving against hers, barely a kiss, but his hands roam her back, make a show of having her body pressed to his.
"This okay?" he mumbles, nudging his nose against her cheek, and she feels a tremble of need ripple through her.
She answers with the part of her lips, the sweep of her tongue to the seam of his mouth. Castle startles back for a moment in surprise, but his eyes slide toward the guard, and he's leaning into her, accepting the fuse of her mouth to his once more.
Her heels are high, but she still finds herself rising up, arching into him as she sucks his upper lip into her mouth, laves her tongue over the tender flesh. Castle groans, scraping at her lip with his teeth, digging his fingers into the coat at her back. Her fingers scrape through his hair, nails scorching his scalp, and he grunts into her mouth, sucks her tongue into his.
She's watching the guard, she swears she's devoting some of her attention to the guard, but she can't help the way her knees dip, the way he supports her with the thigh between her legs, the moan he drags from deep in her throat.
The low chuckle of the guard from behind Castle has her eyes fluttering open to see the other man turning away, shaking his head at them.
She sighs, hating herself for wishing he had taken a little longer to fall for the ruse, and then she's snagging the gun from her waistband. She uses her hold on Castle's shoulder and her own momentum to swing forward, knock the guard out cold.
"Holy shit," he's gasping from behind her.
She spins on her heel, finds Castle gaping at her with kiss swollen lips and wide eyes, hair disheveled and chest heaving.
"That was... a lot." Her face flushes, ears burning with heat, and he stares up at her in disbelief. "You - Kate, you didn't have to kiss me like that."
"I didn't?"
"I mean, yes, but the way you - and how you-"
"Later," she stops him, jerking her head towards the building. "The boys."
"Yeah, yes, of course," he nods, blinking furiously and trotting up alongside her as they approach Maddox's hideout.
-
Castle is hidden behind a wooden beam, crouched atop a crate of ammo as Maddox drifts into his line of sight. Rick's had his eye on Kate the entire time, ensuring that she wasn't shot amidst her exchange of fire with the sniper. She's reloading her weapon, hidden behind a beam on the opposite side of the garage, when Maddox situates himself directly below Castle, Kate in his sights. Again.
He doesn't think twice this time.
Castle leaps onto Maddox, tackling him to the ground, knocking the gun from his surprised grasp, and taking a fist to the sniper's face. Over and over and over again. Until he stops seeing Kate bleeding out underneath him.
"Castle!"
He jerks his attention to the call of his name, the sound of her voice.
His knuckles are throbbing, Maddox's face is a mess of blood, and Kate is holding out her hand to him.
"Rick," she says softer.
He releases a shaking breath and takes her outstretched hand, lets her pull him off of the sniper. The guy who tortured Ryan and Esposito, who put a bullet in her chest, upended her entire life.
The S.W.A.T team is swarming in now, shouting commands and racing to the boys, checking pulses of the men Kate took out. She draws him away, off to the sidelines as the team ascends towards Maddox's unconscious form.
"You okay?" she asks, her voice gentle. He tears his eyes away from the activity all around them and looks to her.
He flexes his fingers unthinkingly, winces. "Never better."
"Good," she whispers, nudging him towards a back entrance. He can hear the squawk of squad cars arriving outside, the siren of an ambulance. He reaches for the exit's door with his good hand to lead them out into the night, but Kate is stilling him, catching his shoulder and turning him towards her.
He doesn't have the chance to question her. Too quickly, she's stepping into him, shaking hands on his cheeks and fervent lips bruising against his own. Laying siege to his mouth and taking everything he has, and he lets her.
Castle moans quietly, burying a hand into the thick curls of her hair, clinging to her nape as her chest presses flush against his.
"I'm so sorry, Castle," she breathes, stroking his cheeks, his jaw, with her fingers. "I'm sorry for whatever I did, however I hurt you."
"Kate," he sighs, but her head is shaking, nose bumping against his, every touch of her skin like a spark lit against his own. He can't think straight, can't come up with anything to say to refuse her, can't bring himself to want to.
He's missed her so damn much.
"I just want you." The words whisper over his lips and she seals them there, dusting a kiss to his cheek, the corner of his mouth, hovering over the home of his lips.
"I love you," he mumbles, waiting for her eyes to widen in shock or shame, but she only gazes up at him, her eyes hazel and wide. "If that's not what you want, I can't-"
"It is," she swears, fierce like the kiss she places on his lips. His back is pressed against the door and he uses the leverage to spin them, her hands knotting in his hair as he seals her spine to the metal door.
Her leg curls at his thigh, possessive, and he scrapes his teeth along her jaw, her throat, sliding down the lithe line of her body until he meets the barrier of her turtleneck.
She yanks him back to her, nails scratching at his coat as she sighs into his open mouth, angles her head to deepen the kiss he fits to her lips. He can feel the wild throb of her heart, the way it accelerates when his hands steal beneath her shirt, soak in the heat radiating from her flesh.
"Uh, Detective Beckett?"
Castle tears his mouth from hers, checks over his shoulder to see a guy in a S.W.A.T uniform and a clipboard looking awkwardly between them and the floor.
"We need your statements."
"Sorry, yeah, be right there," Castle gets out, breathing totally uneven.
The guy nods and hurries off as quick as he can.
Kate groans and buries her face in his throat. Castle huffs a laugh and knocks his forehead into her temple.
"Careful, Beckett," he murmurs into her hair, dusting his lips to the hinge of her jaw. "Everyone's going to know."
Her lips part over his jugular, tongue laving over his pulse, and he gasps.
"I don't care," she says, drawing back to look at him, eyes hazy and lips red. "I just need you to know."
"Know what exactly?" he tests, pushes, but she doesn't hesitate.
"I'm in this," she says evenly, but there's a tinge of sorrow in her eyes, a mournful expression on her lips as she stares up at him. "I know there's - I know you don't want to work together anymore, but please, can I just - can I have you?"
Shit. They so need to talk. A lot. But her lashes hide her eyes as they fall to his mouth and his resolve crumbles.
"Everything?" he breathes, cradling her jaw in his bad hand, ignoring the pulsating ache reverberating through the bones.
She's nodding, leaning in to brush a whisper of a kiss over his lips like a promise. "Just want you. Just want to love you."
He kisses her once, twice, and traces his thumb over her swollen bottom lip. It's all he needs, more than enough for now.
"Come home with me tonight."
Kate grins shyly, reaches up to cradle his throbbing knuckles in the bed of her palm. "Yeah, Castle. As soon as we're done here. Let's go check on the boys and I'll wrap your hand."
She bumps his hips with her own, nudges free of his grasp, but keeps his hand cradled between both of hers.
"And thank you," she adds as she pushes open the door, spills them out into a sea of red and blue lights. "For having my back in there."
He hooks his fingers through hers, their hands a tangled mess.
"Always."
The pain in his hand is so worth it. It's all so worth it for her.
I’m not sure if you still take prompts but tbh, I don’t even care, can you write anything you want? Doesn’t have to be long! Just craving some good caskett 😭
A/N: I was either reading a book or watching a tv show, I can't recall, but the simple words of "I'll leave early" got stuck in my brain and shot this idea into my head. Set during 4x19, ‘47 Seconds’, initially before any confessions unknowingly occur on the other side of an interrogation room window.
-
The knock on the door startles him, has him jerking out of his chair and bumping his hip on the edge of the desk.
Castle curses under his breath, winces, but carries on into the living room, to the front door.
It’s late, after midnight, and he hasn’t been able to calm his mind. All he can think about is the victims of the bombing, their loss of life, of opportunity, and how it has selfishly caused him to reflect on those areas of his own life. On Kate.
He’s going to tell her tomorrow. He has to. What if - god forbid - the world were to end for him the way it did for all of those people today, and it would do so without Kate Beckett knowing he loved her? What if the time they had was so much shorter than they could imagine? What if-
Castle feels the color drain from his face, all of the bravado leaving him, as he swings the door open.
“Beckett,” he greets softly, self-consciously smoothing down the tortured strands of hair that have flown this way and that from the restless push of his fingers.
She’s in his hallway with her hair falling in those gentle waves around her shoulders, her face devoid of makeup and an NYPD sweatshirt engulfing her slim frame. Kate offers him a weak twitch of her mouth.
“Hey, Castle.” Her voice is soft but gruff, as if it hasn’t been used in hours. “Did I wake you?”
“No, no,” he assures her, stepping back and gesturing for her to come in. Her eyes flicker around the darkened space, as if ensuring his daughter isn’t at the counter, or his mother on the couch. “I was up, trying to write, but after today… I just couldn’t get out of my head.”
The door clicks quietly behind them and he steps up to her side, catches the haunted glimpse of her eyes gravitating back to him. The warm glow of his office beckons them forward, offering privacy and familiarity. She's never said as much, but he thinks she favors his office, the comforting walls of books and the sofa she often curls up on when she stays late to theorize over cases or plot points for his novels.
“Yeah.” She nods, twisting her fingers together in front of her as she follows him inside. He eases the office door closed. Just in case. The last thing he needs is Alexis's scrutinizing gaze peering in. His daughter means well, he knows, but on the topic of Kate, he hopes to maintain some distance. “I know the feeling.”
“Couldn’t sleep?” he tries, sensing there is more to her visit than she is letting on.
“No,” she admits. “I just - it’s this case. I kept seeing their faces, the crime scene, the senselessness of it. I keep thinking of the victims’ loved ones, what it’s going to do to them.”
Castle tilts his head, understanding but still curious. Her eyes fall to her feet, the worn toes of her sneakers peeking out from her jeans.
“It’s selfish, but it - it made me think of what my shooting did to the people I care about, that I love.” She purses her lips and exhales a breath that quivers. “I don’t think I ever apologized to you. Well, beyond the first time I saw you again after your book signing in the fall,” she murmurs, tentatively lifting her gaze to meet his. “For what I put you through.”
“Kate,” he huffs, but she catches the hand he tries to use to wave her off. He stares down at the slim curl of her fingers around his, the kiss of her thumb to the heart of his palm. “You didn’t put me through anything, you were shot. Besides, I’m one of the lucky ones. You’re here.”
“You know what I mean.” Her eyes harden, a fierce hazel, emboldened. “The summer, and… this. The missed opportunities and lost time. The waiting.”
His brow hitches, surprise rippling through his senses. Sure, they’ve talked around his unspoken vow to wait for her, their conversations always edging on everything shy of committing to one another without saying any actual truths. He’s not used to blatant honesty between them.
His hand relaxes within the grasp of hers, their loosely knotted fingers dangling in the space between them.
“I just - I know it’s not necessarily what you signed up for-”
“Beckett, it’s exactly what I signed up for,” he chuckles, tugging gently on their hands and drawing her a step closer. She has to lift her eyes to him without her heels, her vulnerability alive and shimmering in her gaze just a few inches below. “From the first day we met, I signed up for you.”
“We were different then,” she huffs, shaking her head, but he squeezes her hand.
“Yeah, but maybe we’ve been changing for the better.” He shrugs, watching a sliver of hope slice through her pupils. “Maybe the last four years were necessary, to prove we were capable of growing together. Seems worth waiting for to me.”
Kate’s lips quirk, white teeth appearing to contain the smile.
“You always know how to say something reassuring,” she sighs, but her eyes are dancing with light for him.
“Plus, you’re only the hottest detective in existence, so I’d be stupid to give up so easily-”
She smacks him with her free hand, her laughter quiet and mingling with his. He catches the other hand at his chest, coats her knuckles with his palm, and feels hers come to a cool rest over his heart. Kate’s laugh gentles into a sigh, her body swaying towards his, and then she’s releasing the hand that was holding his. Her arm snakes around his waist instead, her embrace tentative.
Rick's arms automatically wind around her, the movement as natural as breathing. He feels the sink of her body into his, the exhale of tension against his collarbone as she tucks her forehead against his neck.
“I love you, Kate,” he whispers, feeling the terror and exhilaration commingling within his chest as the words escape. He expects her to tense, to draw away, but she remains against him. Still, unspeaking, and possibly not breathing, but in his arms with her fingers curled into the t-shirt at his back. “I don’t need you to be ready to say it back, but I don’t want you to forget, to doubt. I’m here.”
Her arm tightens around him, her fingers curling at his chest, as if she could hold fast to the heart beneath her hand. They remain like that for a long moment and he takes the time to appreciate the shape of her in his arms, the scent of her shampoo in his nose, and her nuzzled cheek against his clavicle.
"I don't want you to doubt either," she murmurs, the heat of her breath rushing over the flesh of his throat.
Kate gingerly lifts her head, dark lashes rising and eyes finding his. Her hand splays at the small of back, her fingertips brushing his spine. He swallows hard, begging his heart to steady before she feels the gallop of it between their bodies.
"You're not alone in this, Rick." A tender smile graces her lips, encouraging yet shy. Her eyes fall to his mouth, linger for a moment too long before fluttering back to his gaze. "And I don't think the wait is for much longer."
"N-no?" He clears his throat, watches her smile grow, and he can't help it. He touches a hand to her jaw, unfurling fingers along her cheek, and watches in amazement as she leans into the cup of his palm.
"No," she confirms, covering the back of his hand with one of hers, holding it there as she turns her head and brushes a kiss to his palm that sends a jolt of electricity up his arm.
"Kate," he sighs, giving into the compromise of pressing his forehead to hers.
"Sorry," she mumbles, abandoning his hand to dust her fingers to his chin. He feels the tips of her fingers trail along his jaw, his eyes fluttering closed as her thumb skims his cheek. "I think I should go."
"It's late," he argues, eyes flickering open to find hers watching closely, bottom lip pinned beneath her teeth again. "Just stay. The guest room-"
"Castle, Alexis and your mom-"
"Something tells me Alexis won't even notice since she leaves for classes at the crack of dawn and my mother won't be up until the clock is flashing double digits."
She's considering it, he can tell.
"Stay," he murmurs, forcing himself to draw back and stealing the hand from his face.
"Castle," she huffs when he begins to drag her towards his bedroom.
"Here," he tells her, letting her go to dig through his dresser, retrieving a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. "These should be comfortable, but you're welcome to raid my closet and drawers for other options if-"
She swipes the clothes from him and glowers as she brushes past, heading for his bathroom.
He nervously rearranges his pillows while he waits for her, trying not to pay attention to the sound of running water or the click of the doorknob.
She still looks uncertain when she drops her clothes in the chair beside his bed, her sweater landing on top of his robe, making him stupidly delighted.
"Come on," he says, climbing onto his side of the bed and cutting the lamp lights. He feels the darkness will seal the deal, allow her the courage to crawl under the covers to innocently lie beside him.
He doesn't know when they decided on his room instead of the guest room, but she makes no move to leave now.
He looks anywhere but at her while he slides his legs beneath the comforter, the sheets, and settles onto his back. But his body, his senses, are attuned to her, and he can hear the quiet rustling of her doing the same. When he risks a glance, he can make out the dark mass of her body curled beneath the blankets a few inches away.
"I'll leave early," she breathes into the shadows between them, as if making a promise to them both.
"Kate."
A moment of silence passes and then the mattress is shifting, her body warm and lithe and nestling beside him. He eases his arm around her, feels the welcome weight of her head on his shoulder, the contented sigh of her breath against his neck.
"I'll leave early," she repeats, adamant but soft.
"Go to sleep, Kate," he whispers, resting his cheek against her hair and feeling the restlessness of her quieting.
Her arms curl between them, her cold hands against his ribs, her knees against his thighs. He drifts to sleep savoring the points of contact.
-
When he wakes, Kate is gone. Later, he finds that the shirt he lent her the night before is as well.
-
The next night, when he receives a late knock on his door, he's aware of who will be on the other side and he opens it with anger roiling through his insides.
"You stormed out before I had the chance to explain," she begins immediately, coming into his loft as if she were a storm herself. "I know why you're upset with me, but-"
"Kate, I really think you've said enough today," he cuts her off, keeping his voice low.
It's late, hours since he knows her shift ended. He knows she planned this purposely to avoid his family, to corner him while he was alone.
"What I said to Bobby-"
"Yeah, I already heard it once. I'll pass on a second time," he mutters, locking his front door and leaving her in the entryway.
"Rick." But she follows, of course, chasing him with soft steps to the sanctuary of his office. "It was an interrogation tactic. You're just assuming I was being honest with a suspect," she hisses, easing the office door shut behind her.
Castle crosses his arms and leans back against his desk.
"Fine," he concedes, bitterly. He already knows the answer to his next question, he feels it in his gut, his bones. The horrible truth he's always known. "Do you remember every second of that day? Of being shot?"
Her throat ripples with a swallow, but she exhales steadily, steels herself before she says a word.
"Yes," she confesses, holding his gaze. "I've always remembered."
"Every. Second," he clarifies. Not a question.
Her lips part, the bottom one threatening to quiver ever so slightly. She squares her jaw to stop it.
"Every second," she confirms, her fingers in fists at her sides. "I remember you tackling me, trying to stop the blood, to - to save me."
He casts his eyes away from her, not wanting to remember it, not wanting to recall the feeling of hot blood on his hands, the wide surprise of her eyes, the panicked sound of her gasping for breath beneath him.
"I remember you telling me you love me," she whispers, the words soft but measured. "That was the last thing."
"All this time," he manages, blinking away the horror of those images. "You lied."
"I know," she whispers, exhaling a shaking breath into the silence between them. "I didn't - I didn't know how to face it then. How to be - how to be what I wanted to be for myself, for you. I just... god, Castle. I panicked and if I hadn't been in therapy for the last few months, I'd probably still be lying to you."
He spares a look at her then, the crescents of purple beneath her eyes, the glimmer of moisture making them sparkle in the darkness of the room.
"When I woke up in that hospital room, I didn't feel like a person anymore. The only purpose I've ever felt I had was solving my mother's murder and after the shooting, I didn't think I could survive making room for anything else," she attempts to explain, but he can hear the hitch threatening her throat, the choked sound of her trying not to cry. "I didn't feel worth much else."
Argument bubbles unbidden on his tongue at that, but she speaks first.
"I - I wanted you," she declares, meeting his eyes with a desperation he's never seen in hers. Not for him. "But I didn't feel like I could give what you deserve. I needed to be better first, to heal, to make the room. To acknowledge how important you are to me."
The unshed tears spill over, creating rivulets down her cheeks.
"I love you," she says, but her voice has changed, strengthening with resolve. "I love you, but I wasn't going to screw it up, so I was trying to put in the work. To be more."
Castle doesn't stop her when she takes a step toward him, another.
"I'm sorry." She doesn't touch him, but stands before him, palms up and bare, as if begging. "I should have gone about it all differently, but I - god, I never wanted to hurt you, Rick."
Without thinking, he touches the tear stains on her cheeks, brushing them away with his thumb.
"You don't have to forgive me tonight," she adds softly, staring up at him with tired eyes. "You can stay angry for a while. Just don't - don't give up on me yet."
Shit, she was breaking his heart, siphoning all his resolve.
His fingers slide into her hair, cradling the back of her skull.
"I would never." Her eyes flutter in what looks like relief. "I get it, I do. I just..."
"Hate it," she mumbles, the corner of her mouth twitching ever so slightly.
He shrugs. "I wish we could have done it a little differently, yeah. But I'm not going to hold it against you, Kate, I just need time to process it all."
She nods, her lips pursing resolutely. "Of course."
Her head turns toward the door, but he snags her fingers. She looks to him in askance.
"Will you stay?"
She hesitates. "What about time and space?"
"I didn't say anything about space."
She is not nearly as anxious to crawl into bed with him this time, her body settling beside him without preamble and her arms twining around his torso.
"We're okay, Kate," he promises her, burying the words in her hair as her nose touches his throat and one of her ankles hooks around his.
He rubs her back, tracing the line of her spine through another one of his t-shirts. Eventually, the taut arrangement of bones begins to relax beneath his ministrations and her breathing evens out, her body slack in his arms.
He tries to sleep, but despite all she said, all that has happened over the course of the last few hours, he can't tear his thoughts away from the fact that she loves him. And she said it out loud.
-
Most of the following nights are spent with her appearing on his doorstep or his on hers, the hour often late, but her smile is always worth it. The first time she opened her door to him, after a night of being dressed up for a stint with Colin Hunt - he hated that guy - she was beaming.
"I thought you'd be at home brooding," she'd chuckled, locking the door behind him, pleasing him with her intent to keep him there. "I was about to come to you."
"No, I couldn't wait that long," he admitted, hanging his coat on one of the empty hooks. "I was kinda hoping you'd still be in that dress."
Kate had huffed a laugh, already dressed down in one of the t-shirts she had stolen from him. He had yet to call her out on it because he didn't want to give her a reason to stop.
"Don't worry, Castle," she teased, lifting her hand to his cheek. "I'll save it for another time."
His brow arced at that. "That statement is heavy with implication."
"It was intended to be," she grinned, sauntering to her bedroom.
He had to bring up the case to keep himself occupied after that, but the way she looked at him every time he insulted Mr. Scotland Yard almost made it worse.
Oh yeah, Kate Beckett definitely wanted him. But until she made the next move, he would wait. He wasn't taking any risk of moving too fast when it came to her. Not when he knew this time would be for keeps.
-
The evening they solve the zombie case, she vows to appear at his loft, teasing him that he'll never get that makeup off without her help. He has a laser tag game planned with Alexis that turns into the icing on the cake of his day, with his daughter announcing she will be attending Columbia for college.
Most of his makeup has been scrubbed off, the costume gone, when Kate knocks on the front door.
Alexis glances up from washing the dishes, her brow furrowed. "Were we expecting anyone this late?"
"Just Kate." He tries for nonchalance, but Alexis eyes him with both intrigue and wariness as he starts for the door.
When Castle opens it, she's on the other side as promised. She's changed from her leather jacket and jeans to a soft sweater and yoga pants, looking warm and inviting at his doorstep.
"Oh look, you did a pretty good job," she chuckles, reaching for his nearly cleansed cheek, stroking the bone there.
"I don't know if you'll have better luck," he admits. "Prosthetics and stage makeup leave quite the mark."
"Well," she grins, tapping the bag on her arm. "I brought an extra strength cleanser, so we'll give it a shot."
The water from the kitchen sink is still running, catching her attention. Alexis's presence is likely visible from the doorway, the clinking of dishes going into the dishwasher pointedly loud. He feels nervous but hopeful as he watches Kate determine what to do next.
She lowers her hand from his cheek and bites her bottom lip. "Am I too early?"
"No, not at all." He extends his hand for hers and she slips her fingers into the cove of his, allowing him to guide her inside.
-
"I think she hates me a little less," Kate murmurs, her eyes following the work of the cotton pad she swipes along his skin.
She and Alexis spoke briefly before his daughter went up to bed. Kate had lingered before following him to his en suite bathroom, watching the stairs his daughter had disappeared up with worry lining her face.
"She never hated you," he grunts, wincing when she has to scrub at a spot on his forehead with a little too much vigor. She's been wiping makeup from his skin for the last twenty minutes, standing in front of him while he perched on the edge of his bathtub in his pajamas. "She was upset with me."
"And she's a protective daughter. Trust me, I get it," she assures him gently. Her thumb skims the curve of his eyebrow and he opens his eyes to find her studying him. "I think I should go home tonight, Rick."
He eases his hands onto her hips, watching her brow arch in response.
"I don't want to rush things with Alexis," she elaborates, tossing the cotton pad into the trash and reaching for a clean hand towel.
She dries his face with tender brushes.
"She is unaware you've stayed here at all," he reasons. "I doubt tonight would be any different. Besides, it's late."
"Castle, it's ten," she chuckles, but she hasn't shoved his hands from the resting place of her hipbones. "There's no reason for me to stay."
"No?" He rises slowly from the edge of the tub, holding her gaze the entire time. "What if I need you?"
Her nostrils flare ever so subtly, a tell he's picked up on. She's struggling to ignore him.
"Cuddling is part of our healing journey, Beckett."
She rolls her eyes and shoves on his chest, but doesn't fight the tug of his hand on her arm, the offering of his clothes, his bed.
-
Castle's eyes flutter open. It's barely light out and it's early, he can tell that much upon waking. But something has woken him, the featherlight dance of a touch to his cheek.
As his vision focuses, he sees Kate lying beside him, her fingers migrating from his face to comb through his hair.
He hums and shifts closer to her, burrowing into the warmth of her body.
Her arms wrap around his neck while his band around her spine. Their legs are tangled and her lips are moving against his ear.
"I gotta go," she whispers, turning her head to graze a kiss to his temple.
He sighs and loosens his grip on her, allows her to untangle their limbs.
"See you in a few hours?" she murmurs, one of her hands still reluctant to leave him, draped along his jaw.
"Of course," he yawns, gazing up at her from his pillow.
She bites her bottom lip for a second before leaning forward, lingering there before tilting her head, dusting her mouth to his. Instantly, his senses come alive under the electricity of her lips.
Castle's arms stall in their retreat from her body, reclaiming their hold on her again.
A smile blooms on her mouth before she's kissing him with more confidence, fitting the curve of her lips to his. He hums in response, kisses her back, and feels her body canting into his.
"Mm, Beckett, you make it hard to let you go," he grumbles, feeling more than hearing the rumble of her laughter.
She stains another kiss to his mouth, mumbling a last farewell against the corner of his mouth before regretfully pulling her body from the bed.
-
The storm batters against his windows, lightning illuminating his office as he deletes the murder board on his screen, Kate's face disappearing with the tap of his fingers.
They fought last night in her apartment, his love for her used like a bargaining chip for her life, and it wasn't enough.
He's done. He loves her with a fierce strength and softness, in ways he's never loved anyone else, but he can't watch her throw her life away.
It'll just hurt more.
No, he would rather try and gain as much distance as he can before he gets the call that Kate has become the latest to fall victim to the Dragon's wrath.
The knocking on his door begins with vigor.
He pauses, unsure. His first thought is that it must be Kate and the last thing he wants is another argument. But, it could also be Alexis. He turned his phone off after the third consistent ring with Kate's number flashing across the screen. What if his daughter needed him?
Shit.
He curses himself for his ignorance, vowing to turn the phone back on as soon as he checks the door.
Rick composes his expression, ensuring he doesn't look as hassled as he feels, not wanting to alarm his daughter on her special night if it is her.
He unlocks the door, tugs it open, and feels all of that hard work immediately fall, frown returning instantly at the sight of Kate Beckett.
She's soaked to the skin, dripping rain all over the carpeted hall of the building and the entryway to his loft.
"Beckett," he sighs, his fingers already clenching around the door's edge. "What do you want?"
"You," she whispers, breaching the slim space the door allows and reaching for him.
His body betrays him, moving too slowly to block the ascent of her hands to his face, the rise of her body into his, the adamant press of her mouth.
"You had that," he grunts into her kiss before prying her hands from his cheeks. But he doesn't let her go, he can't. So he holds her captured wrists to his chest, studies the desperate features lining her face, the trembling form of her body. "What happened?"
"He got away," she rasps, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "And I didn't care."
Traitorous hope seeps through the cracks of his heart.
"I almost died and all I could think about was you," she breathes, her head shaking as her gaze roams his face, taking him in as if seeing for the first time. Seeing him clearly. "I'm so sorry, Castle. You were right and I'm - I'm sorry."
Her wrists rotate in his loosened grasp, fingers climbing to bridge at the back of his neck. Her toes arch, lifting her body to meet his, allowing her lips to ghost over his.
"I love you." The words sound sacred falling from her mouth onto his. "I'm sorry I didn't treat you like it."
He suffers only a split moment of indecision - he loves her back, he always will, even though she scares the shit out of him.
Castle layers his mouth over hers, swallows the moan she exhales at the bruise of his kiss, the surge of his body using hers to shut the door. Kate cradles his head in her hands as he kisses her, the tenderness of all the nights before, of the last kiss she graced him with, gone in favor of the brutal fall of his mouth upon hers, the needful crush of his bones into hers.
She doesn't seem to mind, every scrape of his teeth, press of his palm, and grip of his fingers being returned with fervor.
His hands tangle in her hair, wet and dripping down his bare forearms, tilting her face upwards. She gasps when his tongue slides past her parted lips, swiping along hers and exploring the cove of her mouth like he's always wanted to. They've kissed like this before, frenzied and frantic in a darkened parking lot under the ruse of saving Ryan and Esposito, but there was still an ounce of restraint alive then. She had a boyfriend and he was desperate to show her how good they could be together, but they were allowed so little time, so much uncertainty.
Not tonight.
Her head drops back against the door as he skates lips and teeth along her jaw, down her neck. Her arms are clinging to him, her hips clashing with his, as if she can't keep him close enough.
He slows, though, when he reaches the bared flesh of her chest, the scarred skin between her breasts. His thumb skims the spot with reverence, his lips dust there next, feeling her shudder beneath him.
She whimpers as he travels his mouth up her skin, teeth nipping at her collarbone, tongue slicking along the rain coated flesh of her exposed shoulder, her throat.
"Rick," she breathes, the fingers of one hand fisting in his hair, the other slipping between them to yank at the buttons of his shirt.
Castle slides his hands down her sides, her hips, and curls them around her thighs. She's ready when he lifts her, using her toes to hop into his arms.
He chuckles as her arms wrap around his neck and she flips her hair to one side, angling her head to kiss him again.
"Eager, Beckett?" he smirks into her mouth, digging his fingers into her ass as she takes his bottom lip between her teeth.
"Yes," she admits without hesitation, letting him go for a split second to shrug the sopping leather jacket from her shoulders.
It hits the floor with a wet slap, but he can't be bothered to care. She smiles into the next kiss she lays upon his mouth, her happiness tasting like champagne bubbles on his tongue.
"You really love cuddling with me, huh?"
She laughs, tightening her thighs around his waist as they start for his bedroom.
"I plan to do more than cuddle with you tonight, Castle." Her thumb traces the bone of his cheek. "Think you can handle it?"
Her eyes are sparkling, gold flashing excitement rippling through her irises.
Castle kicks the door of his office shut with his foot and carries her into the bedroom.
"The real question is, can you? If you're planning to be up with the sun-"
"No," she cuts him off, kissing him quickly before he can lower them to the bed. He bends to lay her across the mattress, the bracket of her thighs drawing down him into the cradle of her hips. "I don't plan to leave early."
"Oh?" he muses, brushing back the damp strands of hair from her cheeks.
Her fingers thread through his hair, trickle down his neck, and trail along his spine, sending a shiver through him. Her eyes wander across his face, as if studying every feature, lips settling into a soft smile.
"I want to stay," she whispers, like it's a secret.
"Then please," he murmurs, resting his forehead to hers for a moment, breathing into the thin space between them. "Stay."
