I Am Not Afraid of the Big Bad World.
I went outside just now after this WHAT A NIGHT weekend and opened my pack to a missing wish cigarette. I hope their wish comes true and I know they probably need that good luck and I'll tell myself they needed it more than I. But I'm so scared for them, and for you too.
I am not afraid of the big bad world.
I spent all night alternatively being selfish and selfless, petty ("your emotions are still valid, Sarah" "but really, are they necessary?") attempts at inducing jealousy coupled with too many grasps at caring for the guests in my home. I don't know what it means objectively to have a good time but I heard that a good time was had. I accept the satisfactory result and will work to improve in future.
I am not afraid of the big bad world!
I lost my job over some admirable attempts at standing up for whatever ideals I think I have, and now I can't pay my rent but I'll still pay other people's bills before my own both because I don't really say no to people brave enough to ask for help but more improbably/importantly because without community, the individual cannot exist. I'm not certain of my own existence, tbh. Do I exist when I'm alone? Am I ever not alone?
Am I not afraid of the big bad world?
Sustainable living is emotionally too, more than farming or home sharing. Interdependence, that word they don't teach, replacing it with oh so important (if it's so important, why do they suck at imparting it to us?) subjects like "thickening your skin" and "shame shame guilt shame" because "life isn't fair" I spend so much time (futile endeavors) looking after people or attempting to anyway I don't know how effective it is because codependency fucks with you when you have a bleeding heart ("Sarah, that will get you where?" "Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I know.")
I am Not Afraid of the BIG BAD world.
Fairness like love is a word with so many ideas behind it. Language evolves so quick we don't have time to agree on one definition before it's Irrelevant anyway and the world moved on. Moved THE FUCK ON. "Life goes on" is a good response but it's apologist and too pacifist for my liking. Fairness is measured in every action, but someone else's logic doesn't add up to the sum of the dearth of love in the cosmos. Justice is only effective when everyone agrees they deserved it. (That's not up to everyone. It's not even up to the arbitrator of perceived wrongful actions. It's up to us to protect ourselves though, so we wave our virtual pitchforks and close our ranks.)
Everyone's afraid of the big bad world.
Someone walked away from my house this morning with a pack of cigarettes and my ukelele and I don't think they're coming back. I don't know what they're going to do and I'm hurting because I want to save people but manifest destiny right? Wherever the road/GPS/muscle memory takes us, that's where we say we wanted to end up.
But not of the big bad world.
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