Jason (whispering in a BBC narrator voice, crouched behind the couch):
Jason:“And here we have two male bats in their natural habitat: Dicus Graysonis and Damianus Gremlinus, currently engaging in a dominance ritual to determine who is more self-centered.”
Tim (flatly):“Yes, ladies and gentlemen, deep within the natural cave of chaos, we observe the rare and dangerous Batius Domesticus, performing its favorite mating ritual: sibling fighting.”
Alfred (calmly, as he passes by and disappears):“Caution: approach carefully. Both subjects bite.”
Jason zooms in on Dick, who is now grumbling.
Dick:Damian! You broke mission protocol!
Damian:Protocol is for those without instinct.
Dick:Protocol is for those who don’t want to die!
Damian:I was trained by the League of Assassins. I’ve died twice. I am immune.
Jason (narrating):“The alpha begins his ceremonial dance of despair known in the field as the ‘Could’ve Died Tango.’”
Tim:“Look closely at his face, see how his nostrils flare? That’s a defensive display. In Damian’s language, it translates to: ‘Fight me, Bitch.’”
Jason is wheezing with laughter:
“Watch as the alpha’s tone rises, patience fading. We’re five seconds away from the phrase, ‘I expected better from you.’”
Dick (voice raised):You crashed the Batcycle into a police van! I expected better from you!
Damian:Collateral damage.
Dick:You broke three ribs!
Damian:Character development.
Jason:“Brave words. Wrong words. This one will die young.”
Tim (rubbing his hands together like a fly):“I’m siding with Dick.”
I was thinking about Damian at the League and the possibility that Damian was probably extremely accident prone as a little kid and was constantly getting seriously injured or killed. And yes, while it is a terrible situation, I just imagine that after the ninth time of dipping Damian into the Pit they assigned Jason to be in charge of him but the kid is a magnet for death and injury so he was constantly falling down stairs or chewing cords or hurting himself off of weapons. Funny thing, Damian was so little he doesn’t remember until one night over comms:
Jason: Did I ever tell you guys of the time that Damian got impaled?
Babs:
Duke:
Cass:
Steph: No?
Duke: The hell?
Tim: Do go on?
Damian: Stop spreading misinformation, Todd.
Jason: It isn’t, you literally tripped and fell onto one of the javelins in the training hall. Went right through you, like a cocktail sausage.
Duke: What the actual fuck?
Damian: I would remember-
Jason: You were like three. But yeah, right through you. Ra’s was so pissed off because he had to chuck you into the Pit with the javelin and it was his favourite one. It dissolved in the Pit.
Damian:
Damian: is that why he calls me Kebab al-Fitna (كباب الفتنة)?????
Cass: *laughter*
Damian, later on video chat with Ra’s: YOU SAID YOU CALLED ME THAT BECAUSE I WOULD SKEWER MY ENEMIES, GRANDFATHER.
Damian was always getting injured or killed around the League sort of like a “Oh my god they killed Kenny” situation and it’s not a biggy because they can just swish him around in the Lazurus Pit for a bit like a chicken nugget and he’s fine. They started to have to baby proof the LOA, sabres and katanas had to be sheathed and placed in lock boxes, any aesthetic points or spikes are softened with tennis balls, corners are smoothed off and every staircase is fitted with a child gate. Ra’s really gets into childproofing the League, there’s a little fence around the Lazurus Pit and anything Damian can bang his little head off is fitted with padding or a pool noodle. Bruce and Dick are never to find out but Alfred does hear and just has a flashback to baby Bruce who was famous for chewing on everything he could reach from electric plugs to the cat’s tail and was so accident prone that he had to wear a crash helmet until he was four.
On the topic of Tim trying to clone Kon but ending up with a baby that has both their DNA so it is technically their biological child, I picture Tim telling Bruce and Clark together not only because he’s exhausted from dealing with screaming baby and the truth has to come out but he thinks Bruce will take the news better with Clark there. He isn’t wrong.
Clark: This is so irresponsible, Tim. Not only did you not know what you were creating when you mixed your DNA with Kon’s but considering the history, with how Kon came to be? Do you think he would want this? Besides, you’re just a kid. You’re not ready to be a father, let alone to a baby that is a quarter Kryptonian.
Tim:
Clark: Bruce, back me up here.
Bruce, with the baby in his arms: What is his name?
Tim:
Clark:
Tim: I haven’t really gotten that far, B.
Bruce, with the most content, happy smile as he cooes down at the baby: We will have to come up with one. And I’ll have Alfred add some formula to the list. We’re going to need to get everything ready because this little guy is coming home with me.
Clark: Bruce-
Bruce: Clark, lower your voice, you will wake our grandson.
Bruce Wayne is not to be harmed in Gotham. It's not pretty privilege, the guy tries to be better than the other upper echelons, to help Gotham and to be honest, he seems a little too pure for this world. The rogues try to work around him because he always gets in the way.
Scarecrow: *enters a gala*
Bruce: Dr Crane, I didn't know you were coming to this 😊.
Scarecrow: Bruce, is that Selina Kyle over there? Is she your date?
Bruce:
Scarecrow: Bruce, we spoke about this. You need to work on yourself before committing to any sort of relationship. If I don't get thrown into Arkham, I'm free next Tuesday at 11. I'll have Bernice call you.
Bruce: Thanks, doc ☺️
Poison Ivy: I'm going to engulf this city in the green, Mother Earth will have her fill today.
Bruce: *waving at Ivy from the window of his office at Wayne Enterprises, grinning and pointing to his recyclable hemp tote*
Poison Ivy: Wayne Enterprises will be spared because of its conservation work.
Penguin: *sat in the club with Bruce Waynes' head on his lap after passing out at the Iceberg Lounge*
Bruce: Hi, Mr Freeze?
Mr Freeze: Uh, yeah
Bruce: I know you got something going on here and I love that for you but could I, like, bring the kids down? My youngest has never been skating before.
Mr Freeze:
Mr Freeze: My Nora loves to skate. You know what, if Batman doesn't show up, knock yourself out.
Joker: *striding down the street about to cause shennigans*
Bruce: *just walking past him while everybody is running and screaming*
Joker, who knows full fucking well that he's Batman but he respects Bruce's effort for the bit: *tips imaginary hat*
Bruce, wandering into a hostage situation in the court house: I'm here to pay bail for one of my kids, does anyone know which desk I should go to?
Two Face: Desk Seven, Bruce. It's always Desk 7. We go through this very goddamn time.
Bruce: Are you mad at me, Harvey 🥺? Did I interrupt something?
Two Face, holding gun to a judge's head: No, Bruce. Not at all. Just been a rough day. Why don't you just run along? Give the kids my love, yes? Let him through, boys.
"Batman birthed all his Robin's" but Dick gaslit himself (and othere) into believing it was true to some extent.
—
Dick, eight years old, staring a reporter in the eye: What?
Reporter: Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne and Batman have been seen together.
Dick: Well DUH!
Dick: Batman gave birth to me :)
Bruce, choking on his drink in the background:
—
Later, Jason sitting in Dick's apartment, playing a video game: Any reason reporters think Batman and Bruce are dating?
Dick, not paying any attention: Didn't he give birth to you?
Jason: ???? What the F*CK!?
—
Much later, Jason being told Catherine wasn't his bio Mom before seeing his birth certificate: Oh my god. Batman gave birth to me.
—
Bruce: I'm fine, Nightwing.
Dick: Sure you aren't pregnant again?
Bruce:
Bruce: What?
Dick: You really gotta start using protection.
—
Dick, half asleep during movie night: Can't believe you slept with Willis Todd.
Jason, a full adult: Both my Dad's are hoes.
Bruce: . . .
—
Timbin: Hi, Mr. Nightwing Robin Dick Grayson Sir!!! I'm Tim Drake—
Dick: I KNEW BRUCE SLEPT WITH JACK DRAKE!!!
Timbin: . . . Clearly you're still deeply affected by the death of Jason Todd.
—
Tim, after spending a week with Dick: . . . Dad?
Jack: Yes, son?
Tim: Did Bruce Wayne give birth to me?
Jack:
Jack: Are you doing drugs with Ives??
—
Stephanie:
Dick: I—
Stephanie: Make the joke and I'll make sure you lack your namesake.
Dick: Understood.
—
Tim, walking into the cave: Alfred said Bruce won't be patrolling tonight. I think he was complaining about stomach cramps.
Dick: All the pregnancies really did a number on him.
Jason: Probably Tim's fault, on his medical records it said he was born nearly ten pounds.
Dick: What happened, Tim?! You're so tiny now.
Jason: To bad he didn't consider abortion.
Tim: I wish he aborted you!
Jason: He probably tried to abort you! Your a#& just dodged the hanger.
Tim: Maybe you should've taken note and dodged that crowbar.
Dick: Guys, stop making abortion and death jokes! But to be technical I was the easiest pregnancy—
Damian: WHAT IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT?!
Tim, grinning at Jason:
Jason, clearing his throat: I think it's time you found this out Damian...
Dick, dramatically placing a hand on Damian's shoulder: Bruce gave birth to us all.
Damian:
Damian: What?
Jason: Think about it. Who would be insane enough to not abort Tim?
Damian: . . . Father.
Tim: Do you really think Talia Al Ghul would spend nine months undergoing the hardships of pregnancy?
Damian: I . . . No . . . Wait . . .
Dick: Jason didn't die searching for his birth Mother, Dami.
Jason, trying not to laugh: The Joker was jealous that he wasn't the Father, Damian. He killed me because I wasn't his.
Damian: You're all liars!
Jason: It's true! Batman and The Joker were in a very committed relationship!
Dick: My Dad is actually the Joker.
Damian: . . . what .
Dick: Who do you think gave me my love of the circus, Dames?
Tim: It was before the acid incident, obviously.
Jason: Batman cheated on him, that's how I was born.
Damian: . . . Batman gave birth to me?
Tim: Batman gave birth to all of us, Damian.
Duke, in the background: I am not a part of this!
—
Damian, the next time he meets with Talia: Mother?
Talia: Yes, my heart?
Damian: Is it true that Grayson was the Joker and Batman's child and that Todd was born out of wedlock from Batman which is what led to him being murdered and their divorce and that Timothy was birthed by Batman from an affair and that you got Batman pregnant and he also birthed me?
Talia, taking his face in her hands:
Talia: I wasn't supposed to tell you until you were older.
—
Bruce: Dick, Jason?
Dick: Yeah, B?
Jason: What?
Bruce: Can you please stop telling your siblings elaborate stories regarding me birthing them?
Jason: No.
Dick: What? No harm no foul!
Bruce, inhaling sharply: Damian beat the Joker within an inch of his life today, screaming "Why couldn't you love Todd as your own?" And then, as he was being taken to Arkham, shouted, "Do you know what the divorce did to Grayson!?"
Jason:
Dick:
Bruce: Tim still thinks I slept with his Father.
Jason: Didn't you?
Bruce: Jason.
Jason: Bruce.
Dick: Okay, so, maybe it's a little bit out of hand...
Bruce: Damian think you're a child of divorce between me and the Joker! Harley Quinn keeps asking why the Joker didn't even get weekends with you!
Jason: Maybe you should've thought about that before getting the divorce.
Bruce: Jason. Peter. Todd. Wayne.
Dick: Look, B, it's not that bad! It's funny. Dami will grow up and realize it was a stupid prank.
Jason: The story bits yeah.
Bruce: . . . Jay, what do you mean the story bits?
Jason: He'll still know you birthed us all.
Bruce:
Dick:
Dick: Jason. You know that Sheila is the one who actually gave birth to you, right?
Jason:
Jason: Dick. You told me that you picked out my middle name.
Dick:
Bruce:
Jason:
Dick: Now you're f*cking with us.
Jason: I could be. I could not be. But either way, betrayal happened in this room tonight.
Bruce: Dick.
Dick: Okay, fine, I'll stop telling people you birthed us and let the Joker raw dog you...
—
Meanwhile, many years earlier, the one time a reporter interacted with Alfred:
Alfred: I birthed the boy myself! I do believe I am fit to be his caretaker!
ily Gerenian Nestor. Virile old man. Truly an incomprehensible amount of children. Tomfoolery enabler (Antilochus in Iliad book 24). He’s 300 years old. He fucks. Actively tries to adopt the children of his homies (Telemachy). He kicks Diomedes awake. He complains about being old but he literally leaps at one point. He doesn’t need viagra, viagra needs him.
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